The 10 Most Magnificent Fictional Foods and Drinks in Nerd-dom


By Caleb Goellner

It’s a hungry, hungry world out there. How else does one explain the proliferation of pretend provisions throughout pop culture? People love food so much that humankind’s insatiable appetite has conquered reality itself, letting loose scores of imaginary delicacies and beverages. Just like real food, some are great for their taste and others for their nutritional benefits. However, all of them, for one reason or another, are awesome (which disqualifies Soylent Green, cannibalism is rarely awesome). Read on to ruin your appetite with a look at ten of the coolest fictional foods and beverages in nerd-dom (we’re only counting the non-alcoholic ones, so don’t freak out about the lack of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster).

10) Ent Draught from Lord of the Rings

Not content to dine on sunlight, water and soil alone, the Ents sip on some serious moonshine. Their special Ent Draught is an all-natural, sweet water with the power to invigorate users and make them grow. It’s pretty ideal for tree dudes, but its effects are even finer for non-tree dudes. Two of the Fellowship’s finest, Merry and Pippin, grow several inches taller off a swig of the stuff, making them two of the tallest hobbits of all time. Given today’s market for designer bottled water, Ent Draught’s properties trump vitamins and guarana any day.

9) Spoo from Babylon Five

Years before J. Michael Straczynski had Spider-Man sell his wife to the devil, he was busy feeding Skeletor and some triangle-haired aliens processed glowworm junk called Spoo. While the origins of this food were born as a joke (Spoo is “Oops” backward, etc.) in an episode of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, the Babylon 5 universe regards the food as the most delicious thing in space. It just goes to prove that, like the hot dog, while the process of processed foods might disgust people, they can love the sum of its parts.

8) Energon from Transformers

As robot food goes, Energon is pretty wonderful. Throughout Transformers lore, it ranges dramatically in size. Sometimes the cubes are house sized, sometimes lunchbox sized, other times they’re the giant robot equivalent of Skittles. All the variation leads one to believe that the fuel is like a tremendous block of Velveeta cheese that can be sliced to size and eaten on the go. Humans probably wouldn’t want to ingest Energon any more than they’d want to drink motor oil, but at least we can be glad that our warring robot friends subsist on something that looks like glowing candy.

7) Romulan Ale / Blue Milk from Star Trek / Star Wars (Tie)

One gets Captain Kirk insta-drunk, the other doesn’t seem to do anything interesting beyond keeping moisture farmers nourished. Honestly, Star Wars‘ signature drink can’t touch Romulan Ale in terms of debauchery function, but its similarities in color and recognition make it an equal in nerd form. And so, rather than rank one better than the other, how about Trekkies and Warsies agree to disagree?

6) The Gross Crap the Lost Boys Ate in Hook

In Hook, a grownup Peter Pan returns to Never Land to save his kids from an evil pirate. He’s forgotten his time in NL, so he has to hang out with his old friends, the lost boys (not the vampire-killing kind) to regain his memories, learn how to fly, fight, etc. Naturally this process involves completely imagining food and the lost boys are crazy enough to envision eating nasty neon cream pies. As disgusting as the multi-colored Play Doh looks, it pretty much embodies all that is imaginary food. Just grab a lump and it’s whatever you want it to be. Pizza? Ice cream? Hooch? Imagine and it is yours. Such a wonder-food gets completely wasted by Rufio and company in a whimsical food fight, which is why nobody felt bad when Pan’s second in command dies a terrible death. Waste not, want not chumps!


5) Anything Willy Wonka Made, Ever in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

By now everyone is familiar with the prolific candy works of Willy Wonka. His various candies satisfy paying customers and punish wicked children alike. Some may be tastier than others, but from a storytelling standpoint, Wonka’s candies work best as a team. A team of teeth-rotting, stomach-hurting, type two diabetes-generating wonders.

4) Powdered Toast from The Ren & Stimpy Show

Fortified with vitamin F, the breakfast that, “tastes just like sawdust,” is a treat worthy of a hero. Take its spokesperson, flatulent super hero Powdered Toast Man. He’s not just fueled by the stuff, he IS the stuff. He even shaves it from his own body so that Ren, Stimpy and others can enjoy a tasty breakfast. In other adventures, PTM saves the Pope, the President of the United States and the entire world. While the consequences of these adventures are usually disastrous, it’s still good to know that somewhere a food is fighting the never-ending battle against crime.

3) Mushrooms from Super Mario Bros.

It’s never been made 100 percent clear whether Mario and his kin actually eat the fungus found throughout the Mushroom Kingdom, or simply draw power by touch, but for the sake of the list, let’s assume they gulp ’em down. Far from the psychedelic effects of psilocybin ‘shrooms, Mario’s eats imbue users with mighty powers. The mushrooms are color-coded for ease of use. There’s no way of knowing whether or not they taste any good, but the nutritional benefits, which include size-changing and life-prolonging vitality, seem to make up for it.

2) Slurm from Futurama

The most addictive anal secretion in the universe, Slurm’s deliciousness makes it the post popular drink in all of Futurama. What makes Slurm so amazing isn’t it’s flavor, it’s Grunka-Lunka bottlers, or even it’s wonderful mascot Slurms McKenzie – it’s the inherent honesty of the, “it’s highly addictive,” slogan. If only cigarettes, Baked Cheetos and Double Stuffed Oreos could be so honest…

1) Devil Fruit from One Piece

Eiichiro Oda’s epic manga (and anime), One Piece features a world chock full of super powered pirates who gain their abilities by eating the extremely rare “devil” fruit. Their monstrous powers are as varied as the combined cast of the X-Men, but eater’s of the cursed fruit are thereafter helpless when submerged in water. It’s a huge inconvenience for pirates who spend their lives traveling the seas, but most compensate by learning to employ their abilities to stay dry. It’s a risky tradeoff, but as Luffy, the star of the series proves time and time again with the use of his own stretching powers (think a young Goku meets Plastic Man), the pros of eating the devil fruit definitely outweigh the cons.