You guys schooled me this contest. I mean, I knew there was some bad fantasy novels out there — I thought I’d read a good deal of them — but I had no idea. It makes me want to start a TR Book Club, so we can go through some of these atrocities together. I’d like to make a few points before we get to the good stuff:
? I never read past Lord of Chaos. Never intend to.
? I give Eragon a break. I mean, when I was 12, I wrote a shitty Star Wars rip-off too, and I’m pretty sure it starred me. I mean, it’s not the kid’s fault his got published.
? If you want to read the world’s worst erotica, look for Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty trilogy (written as Anne Rampling). Clearly, Rice really, really wanted to be spanked.
? I had forgotten how much I loathed everything Terry Brooks ever wrote. I would still like to run over him with my car for his awful but bizarrely popular Shannara series.
Okay. Now here’s a few of the highlights
? Casey, for finding the As I Lay Dying of shitty fantasy novels
? Gareth, for the chicken that is not a chicken
? theihateemilyhat, for the worst tampon commercial of all time
? LAY, for the quadruple-amputee vegetarian backpack man
? Asat, for the Amazing Evil Penis Race
? Chapka, for Millary Minton
? Starman Matt Morrison, for reminding me that Robert Jordan also wrote the most heinous Conan stories of all time
? Marsten, for “The vagina is never ‘bottomless’.”
? shoe, for… just read the entry
? Boyle, for “Seriously, this novel made me want to kill hobos. I wanted to go out
and wrap my fingers around their frail, emaciated necks and squeeze
until the bulging red veins of their screaming eyes burst asunder. ‘Yes! Yes!’ I would scream. ‘I have solved the homelessness problem
Terry Brooks! Join with me in my dance of celebration! JOIN MY
? operation, for “There would be no fucking. And even if there was, the stupid vampire would probably ejaculate Skittles?.”
There were probably a dozen entries that could have easily won, and deserved to. But then tyrman rocked my world by introducing me to Sara Douglass’ Pilgrim, the fifth book in her Wayfarer Redemption series. Sit down and get ready to experience the magic!
…Zenith has been possessed by the ghost of her
dead grandmother Niah. Turns out she’s been promised by her mother to her
grandmother… so that she can be back together with her MATERNAL
grandfather Wolfstar. …
I simplified it as much as I could, but it’s basically incest squared.
… [Zenith] finally confronts Wolfstar, who thinks she’s
Niah. Turns out she’s been pregnant this whole time; I can’t remember
if this was hinted at or stated outright. And now for the part that
makes it all “worth” reading:
Zenith shunts Niah’s soul into the baby, and in front of Wolfstar
slams herself in the stomach repeatedly with a candlestick until she
self-aborts right then and there. She smashes the Niah/Baby’s skull
with her foot, bends over, picks it up, and SLAPS WOLFSTAR IN THE FACE
WITH THE ABORTED FETUS BODY OF HIS DECEASED LOVER.
HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. I can’t even wrap my head around that. It seems impossible that someone could write that down, and get it published. and yet it happened! The delightful cherry on the sundae of insanity is tyrman’s quick wrap-up of the sixth book in the series:
Crusader, Zenith falls in love with her aborted baby-slapped rapist.
THEN they’re unceremoniously ripped apart.
…nice. Now, I thinkwe’ve all learned a lot about how horrible fantasy can be, but really, the biggest fantasy I can see is Douglass’ belief that anyone would want to read that. Well done to you all.