Sadness Is the New G.I. Joe Movie Clip

There’s about 10 seconds of hope in the this G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra trailer — specifically, the first ten, where, even though the Baroness has no accent whatsoever and Storm Shadow is apparently the world’s least stealthy ninja, at least they have a nice quip and SS kills some security guards with some throwing stars.

And then it’s all downhill from there.

Mostly, it’s the horrible accelerator suit, which looks half like Robocop, half like Batman’s armor from Batman Begins, and entirely like mediocre CG. You guys will never convince me these things arebn’t a travesty. Yes, Cobra had the MOBATS SNAKES, those big suits of robo-armor  but those were for nameless grunts that the Joe could shoot without qualms. The Joes (and main Cobra forces) never subsumed their visual identities to wear SyFy TV movie superhero costumes and jump around in slow-motion like the world’s least timely Matrix rip-off. They were human, and that’s why we liked them so damn much. And that’s a large part of the reason why I hate these fuckers.