Before we get to this week’s contest winners, I have a very important video for you to watch.
…and now you know indeed (thanks to John for the link). There are a ton of honorable mentions this week (as per usual when I ask you guys to be brilliant and cruel), so here’s a taste with a delightful combo — the rest are after the jump.
Mike L said:
Destro is kicked in the crotch, and it is also encased in
@Mike L — And in a fitting homage to the original toyline,
that crotch easily breaks off. Right there, on the screen.
See you in a sec.
And the other Honorable Mentions:
Mike L said:
The very end when Baby Serpentor squirms out of the corpse of Cobra Commander.
The worst moment of G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra will be when in a obvious advertising plug, Snake eyes stops and pulls out a chapstick.
The worst moment will obviously be when cobra commander takes off his mask and reveals that his face is made from literal crunchberries.
Someone in an accelerator suit takes a stair railing in the nuts and takes a fall just like Hans Moleman catching a football in the nuts. Or a black pimp yells “Hey man, nice suit!”
Right as we get to the giant fight scene between Snake Eyes and Stormshadow, which takes place in a deserted nightclub, in the midst of an amazing display of swordfighting and martial arts . . . Marlon Waynes runs into the room to help Snake Eyes, trips and falls (crappy CGI helmeted face first) into an old Juke Box player. The song “Kung Fu Fighting” starts to play. Snake Eyes and Stormshadow pause for a moment, look at the jukebox, look back at each other . . . Then the break dance fighting begins (just like from the movie Zoolander).
As the final battle rages, only Snake-eyes is left to stand against the forces of Cobra. As the enemies advance a close-up shows that Snake-eyes uses his new found lips to crack a smile. He knows something they don’t know! A) He’s not left handed, and B) He rips off his visor and destroys two HISS tanks with lasers from his eyes! He tears away his hood to reveal the reason he can’t talk is because his mouth is sewn shut!! He then pops a blade from each arm and goes ape shit beserk all over Cobra, single-handedly saving the day. Yep, Snake-eyes is actually a Canadian operative on loan from their Weapon-X program. Codename: “Deathpuddle”
The worst part(s) of the film will be Marlon Wayans’ character screaming like a little girl when frightened, Marlon Wayans’ character’s excruciating attempts at humour, Marlon Wayans’ character’s hitting on Scarlett roughly once every five minutes, and finally, Scarlett actually submitting to become the clown’s girlfriend by the end of the film. I am not kidding.
Random cliche generation machine …
A newly-deformed Cobra Commander, facing away from the camera, demands a mirror.
Plastic surgeon: But, sir. I don’t think …
Cobra Commander: GIVE ME THE MIRROR!!!
Plastic surgeon extends a shaky hand. Cobra Commander snatches the mirror from him. A low moan escapes the terrified doctor.
Cobra Commander: MY FAAAAAAACE!!!!! *shatters mirror*
Plastic surgeon: Sir, we did all we … AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!!
*Cobra Commander snaps surgeon’s neck, turns to camera as shadows part to reveal his mangled form.*
Cobra Commander: You’ll pay for this … G.I JOE!!!
… Random cliche generation machine powers down.
Sean H said:
The worst moment of the film will be when all the Joes are bound up in the Cobra lair and all seems lost… UNTIL SGT. SLAUGHTER AND WILLIAM “THE REFRIDGERATOR” PERRY BUST THROUGH THE WALL!!!! The Baroness tries to shoot them, but the Fridge is too fast and knocks the gun from her hands with a football on a chain… or whip… who the fucks knows…. And the Cobra Commander is finished off with, what else, the Cobra Clutch compliments of Sgt Slaughter. The the Sarge wards off Destro by calling him “maggot” a bunch of times and spit-talking all over him.
But don’t worry, you’ll only have to watch this shitty ending if you send in 50 Joe points from the back of your Joe collectibles.
It’ll be worth sitting through this mess to see Shipwreck’s “Knowing is half the battle” message at the end of the credits where he says “Just because I have a fucking parrot on my shoulder doesn’t mean I’m down with pirating movies, you cock-sucking thieves!” The parrot repeats “RAAAWK, Cock-sucking thieves.”
The bizarre accident where Cobra Commander tries to microwave a can of spaghetti-o’s and becomes Jason X
half the battle said:
end of movie: duke and snake eyes at a pub, sullen and slumped over a beer, because they don’t know the father of scarlett’s baby joe.
Ten minutes into the movie my hydrocone smoothie wears off and I realize where I am. The late showing of The Ugly Truth. My wife rips off her face to reveal Zartan. The three little girls in the row in front are the Dreadnoks. Sitting next to them is Sgt. Slaughter. It’s actually the Sarge. He is just catching the movie. I rush into the theater playing G.I. Joe to catch the final two minutes where the Joes are saved from the vicious Viper “he comes to vipe your vindows” by honorary member William “The Refridgerator” Perry. That role is played by Tyler Perry. I throw up in my mouth a little. Side note- The Ugly Truth is a feel-good, witty date movie.
Cobra Comander has a gun to Duke’s head and is about to pull the trigger. William “The Refigerator” Perry will burst onto the scene and start doing the Superbowl Shuffle. While Cobra Commander is distracted, Sgt. Slaughter will come up behind him and put him in the Cobra Clutch. These will not be actors. These will be the real Refigerator Perry and the real Sgt. Slaughter. The rest of the cast will look confused, as will audiences when the movie ends abruptly and their names are not found in the credits.
Because Hasbro made tons of money from Michael Bay’s awful Transformers: RotF, they wanted to give him a guest director scene. What is the scene? What else, but a low close-up shot of Marlon Wayans’ Accelerator Suit with a ballsack dangling between his legs, which the camera lingers on for an extra couple seconds longer than it should.
Snake Eyes pees on John Turturro.
Scarlett turns out to be Shawn Wayans in disguise and the whole movie turns out to be a long teaser trailer for White Chicks 2
BBQ Addict said:
The worst moment? That’s easy. It was during the climax of the movie, when the Joes are storming the newly-revealed Cobra Castle. While the rest of the team are creating a distraction battling seemingly endless waves of Viper troopers wielding impossibly large arm-mounted laser cannons, Duke and Ripcord are sent to the conveniently unguarded back door.
Utilizing the Delta Six technology to its fullest, the two eventually destroy the door by repeatedly ramming their heads into it, destroying Duke’s Accelerator suit and somehow making Ripcord’s burst into flames. But after Duke’s monotone, overly-dramatic “NOOOOOO!!” scream, Ripcord crawls out of the smoldering wreckage to reveal he is perfectly okay, though left completely naked as his clothes were also burnt.
Continuing on, the two knock out any unfortunate Cobra nightshift guards as they ascend the tower, leading to Cobra Commander’s throneroom. An epic fight insues.
Just as Cobra commander is about to ruthlessly poke Duke in the eye for making fun of his lisp, Ripcord comes out of nowhere, leaping into the air in the most ungodly display of slow motion ever, with his junk waving freely in the breeze as it’s revealed he was migically given the abilities of his Delta Six sui
t when it exploded.
The camera zooms in on Cobra Commander’s widening, horrified eyes as Ripcord’s nude body is seen in the reflection in his mask, his junk getting closer and closer until the scene fades to black, rolling credits and leaving the poor commander’s fate in question. BUT WAIT!
After the credits, we see Cobra Commander being placed in the back of a white van with his mostly destroyed castle present in the background. Duke is seen talking to Snake Eyes shortly after, telling the mute ninja commando about the “Super snake slap” Ripcord unleashed on the poor Commander. Snake Eyes slaps his forehead.
Skipping ahead to a week later, we see Cobra Commander rotting in a padded cell of an insane asylum, wearing a straight jacket and muttering one sentence over and over. “That wasss a sssnake I never wanted to sssee…”
One more note before I get to the winners — TR reader DJRM has indeed been theorizing that Snake Eyes is a robot for months. If he ends up being right — and I will accept him being a cyborg — I’m sending him a shirt. I just wanted to declare this before the movie opens on Friday. Now, the winners are on the next page.
I have to admit these these two guys summed up what I feel the movie is exactly.
The Flash III said:
At some point when using the accelerator suits, someone, probably the 3rd-or-4th most-talented Wayans, will rip off some hot chicks clothes, leaving her suprised and covering herself and standing in her bra and panties. I think this is will happen.
YES. I refuse to believe this secene won’t be in the movie. If it doesn’t end up in the theaters, it’ll be a deleted scene. If it’s not, I will eat my Trouble Bubble.
Marlon Wayans fights a super-nano-enhanced Cobra soldier in Washington DC at the end of the movie. First, the soldier knocks him into the Pentagon September 11th memorial, where they beat each other with parts of the display. Marlon throws a bouquet of flowers left by a grieving family member at the soldier, which only makes him mad, and quips, “So much for flower power!”
Marlon is hit so hard, he hits the Vietnam Memorial next. Marlon knocks over the black stone panels in a mad dash to run away. Horrified Vietnam vets look on as a jackass desecrates their memorial.
The fight goes to the national archives, where after being smashed into the case holding the Constitution, Marlon holds up the Bill of Rights as a sheild and yells, “Don’t taze me, bro!” The Cobra soldier punches right through it.
The last part of the fight takes place at the Lincoln Memorial, where the soldier charges Marlon at full speed. Marlon leapfrogs over him, and smashes the nano-soldiers head into the memorial as hard as he can, resulting in a bone crunching sound, and the super-nano-soldier’s death rattle.
The camera pans back to show the Cobra soldier’s body stuck, head first, into President Lincoln’s crotch. Marlon straightens up like he’s the greatest American hero ever, salutes the statue, and says, “Good work, Ben Franklin!”
The film wins 5 academy awards, and my soul dies.
Sadly, that’s a little too specific to be in the movie exactly, but the idea of Marlon Wayans embedding a Cobra soldier headfirst in Abraham Lincoln’s statue’s crotch is just too plausible, given what we’ve seen so far. Wayans calling him “Ben Frankin” is just the icing on the cake. I’d seriously look for this scene almost verbatim in one of the sequels.
Thank all you guys for entering; you all did another bang-up job. Now, the good reviews are still coming in for the movie, although these are from random dudes with movie sites instead of Joe fans or movie critics, so who really knows. We could be pleasantly surprised. I doubt it, but stranger things have happened, I suppose.