Everyone. Everyone who entered this weekend’s awesome, awesome contest gets an honorable mention — I’ve never had a TR contest where every entry was so universal fantastic. So that means I have to one of those Most Honorable Mentions lists. But first, a very special entry:
This might be stretching the rules a little bit, but I’d buy Alan Moore the three wolf moon t-shirt, just because I think he’d look extraordinary in it.
Joshie ignored the rules by not selecting a fictional character, but she’s right; I couldn’t get the idea of Alan Moore wearing a Three Wolf Moon shirt out of my mind all weekend. Thank god The Redlitz was there for me:
?FUCK AND YES. If this was only the only thing to come out of this contest, it still would have ranked among the best ever. But it wasn’t, so continue reading for more holiday awesomeness.
These can only be deemed the Most Honorable of Mentions. Every single one of these entries deserved to win, but alas, only two could. I had to pick the winners randomly out of this pile, and you’ll see why.
I’d buy Green Lantern Kyle Rayner a mini-fridge. He’ll appreciate it; there’s no way any of his future girlfriends can be shoved into a fridge that small.
The Great A’tuin said:
I’ll buy Tony Stark an Astro Boy box set.
Fuck you, Rob.
I’d get Thomas and Martha Wayne a bottle of Pepper Spray and a taser.
Dr. Shoggoth said:
I would buy Chewbacca a Snuggie, so he has something nice to wear next Life Day.
the Space Pope said:
I would give Tetsuo Shima a tube of Polysporin. Road rash? Polysporin. Missing Arm? Polysporin. Morphing into a giant girlfriend-crushing blob of flesh…..That might take two tubes
Astro Boy? I’d get that kid some pants and a shirt. I’m tired of him getting me all horny with his half-naked robot ways.
First thing that came to mind was $200 worth of certificates for psychiatry from Lucy to give to Charlie Brown (at 5 cents a pop that comes to 4,000 sessions), but I then I figured, why fight the tide.
So I’m gonna get him one night in a $15 motel room along the highway with 18 $10 hookers and a $5 meter stick. I figure, Charlie Brown’s life is the blueprint to every serial killer/supervillian ever known, so I wanna take the garden-variety killer-to-be and crank him up to eleven. $10 hookers are the lowest of the low. They’re hideous, desperate, submissive, lifeless, indescriminate, often riddled with drug problem and diseases, lack-self respect, and are incapable of feeling or even faking pleasure. Having his first and probably only sexual encounter involving a harem of brought-and-paid-for zombies with the shakes listlessly and joylessly stroking him and writhing about him at such a young age would be enough to push good ol’ Charlie over the edge completely. That and all those STD’s he’ll carry with him forever (notice I didn’t include condoms in the package). The meter stick, having been suspended over the bed, will become an object of obsession for him and ultimately the cornerstone of his derangement. Soon he will become Metric Man, an unspeakably horrific sociopathic maniac sworn to convert America to the metric system once and for all, one body at a time, with only the goddamn Batamn in his way. And just in time for Christmas so that they’ll never again play that damn holiday special again.
I think I’d give Link from the Legend of Zelda games one of those computers that Stephen Hawking uses to talk for him. Obviously, he’s got some sort of speech problem, and that would at least let him express himself some way other than “Hyaa! Hsss…Hya!’
I’d give bowser a fleshlight.
I would buy a bible for Pikachu, because he needs get right with the Lord (sure as shit needs to get right with me. all the years of abuse suffered for its sake I can’t so much as spit one measely fireball, let alone any of that other cool shit it can apparently make people do)
I’d buy Two-Face a bag of chocolate coins, so that every time he had to make a tough decision, he could just eat some chocolate instead of flipping a coin. Then he and Batman would skip away into the sunset as best friends, because chocolate makes everyone happy, and fat Two-Face would be hilarious.
I would make Jacob (from Twilight) a tin foil hat a la Fry (Futurama) to block out the thoughts of that evil succubus baby that made him fall in love with her. Not that I give a shit about Twilight really, but come on. Dude needs to practicing making cubs with some sexy she-wolves instead of mind chatting with a baby and waiting for her to get out diapers so he can hit it. Fuck that!
Merry Christmas Jacob. Now you can get out there and mount some fine werewolf bitches without hearing some nagging toddler in your brain telling you to come home and refill her sippy cup.
I would punch Ash Ketchum in the face, steal his Pokemon, and give them all the best gift of all: Freedom. Well, except for Pikachu. I’d give him to Team Rocket so they can get on with their lives.
caprica jason said:
I’d buy pre-Cylon War Brother Cavil/Number One a big, plush Eeyore, one of those squeezable stress-balls, and then I’d spend the rest on liquor. This way, every time he gets all Oedipal and pissy, he can try to relax, and consider that maybe genocide isn’t the best idea after all.
If I were to give a fictional character a gift, I would give something to the Trix rabbit. I assume you must think I would give him 200$ worth of trix cereal and yogurt, but no, I would give him a gun. so this way, whenever he went up to those little elitist children, ask them for trix, and as they laugh spewing “silly rabbit trix are for kids!” and as they laugh in his face about his apparent ill fortune, he pulls out the gun and whispers “not any more” as he looks at the horrified looks on their faces as he squeezes the trigger, writhing in the extacy of the trix and the knowledge of the fear and irony they experienced in their last moments of life.
That or I would get Liono a tiny kitty sweater :3
I’d give Jareth from Labyrinth the address to my house, along with a note mentioning that I am a whiny teenage girl who sees life as unfair, especially when she has to babysit her younger sibling.
Prophets for Profit said:
I’d buy Dance Dance Revolution and invite DC’s Flash and Marvel’s Quicksilver over so I can watch the world burst into flames
SEE?! It’s impossible for me to pick from these. Happily, the ol’ d17 has no qualms, and it came up with Scortia and FireKraken. Well done to everyone who entered, extra well done to all the entries about, and congratulations to the two winners. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see about getting a picture made of a wolf wearing a Three Alan Moore shirt.