No, this has nothing to do with that College Humor video I posted the other day (although that was a good one). A lot of Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks videos came out, so I thought I’d post one to remind you that the game comes out for the DS on December 7th, but then I watched a few and realized I had a more important message:
I hate Legend of Zelda.
Now, this hasn’t always been true. I loved Link to the Past, and I even dug Wind Waker (although all that sailing got a bit old). But when I tried to play Twilight Princess on the Wii, well, that’s when my hate began. I “played” that game for an entire hour and there was only one “action sequence,” if you can call it that, which involved me herding goats. After a while, when it was clear I wouldn’t be fighting any monsters for god-knows-how-long, I turned it off in disgust. If it turned into an awesome game later, I’ll never know, because it was the most boring game I’ve ever played.
It’s weird, because it’s not like I’m totally averse to bullshit in games. I mean, I’ll happily level up my Final Fantasy guys for hours or perform elaborate subquests for some stupid weapons I don’t even want to use. But that’s because I’m taking on those tasks by my own decision, and they aren’t some terrible bullshit I have to slog through to get to the game proper. If my beloved FF had made Blitzball mandatory in X or that ridiculous CCG in VIII, I’d probably have had to turn those games off, too. I don’t pick up RPGs for that nonsense, and I don’t pick up Legend of Zelda for the scintillating story or goat herding — I want to have an adventure. Twilight Princess wouldn’t let me have that adventure.
And I bring this all back to Spirit Tracks by defying you to sit through that three-minute cut scene above and not want to kill yourself. Hey Nintendo — it’s a fucking DS Zelda game. It looks like a first-wave PS1 game and the plot is going to be “rescue Zelda.” We do not need three-minute scenes of Zelda trying to extend a conversation by herself. Just let us adventure.