?Thanks for waiting for these. I’m still under the weather, so feel free to blame that for my limited Honorable Mentions and whichever of your favorite entries I forgot about. First of all, I would like to give a very general Honorable Mention to everyone trying to better themselves in 2010, whether that’s losing weight, finishing a project, or asking someone out — best of luck to people like Zade, Lord Alvarez, The Man with Two Brains, Metalocalypse and the rest. Good on you guys, and best of luck. The Honorable Mentions below are just the ones that entertained me:
I vow to finally finish my Jump Start to 2nd grade game i got in 1997.
Chew Chew said:
To stop killing hookers while masturbating to my massive collection of anime toys. Oh, who am I kidding, if I didn’t stick to that resolution for the past 5 years, It’s not going to happen this year.
I resolve to stop basing my feelings of self-worth on my progress in video games.
I resolve to take over an entire bedroom with my Star Trek memorabilia and show a picture of it to every guy I go on a date with this year. 🙂 It’s best to be honest from the get-go.
I resolve to save money by not buying the official game guides to games I don’t have so that I have light reading for the bathroom. Seriously, I need help. I don’t trust reviews much more then I trust the LIES of video game previews, so I buy and read the game guide, and then decide. Please help me. Get me therapy, have an intervention, anything
My Nerd New Year’s Resolution is to watch all Star Trek episodes, in order, from TOS to DS9 before 2011. And to watch at least some of them with my Voyager loving semi bald boyfriend. During which I will dress up in a slutty Captain’s uniform that barely covers me even with the Picard Maneuver. And at the same time while I tell said boyfriend to “make it so.” Oh resistance is so futile.
Joe McGurl said:
My resolution is to use more gravy
NO MORE CRAZY WOMEN… NO WOMEN PERIOD… AND NO GAY STUFF… JUST ME, MY PORN AND TOPLESS ROBOT.
Deacon Blues said:
I resolve to protect the world from devastation, to unite all people within our nation, to denounce the evils of truth and love, to extend my reach to the stars above!
I will have Stan Bush’s “The Touch” as my entrance music to my first (And potentially last) MMA fight.
My Nerd Year’s resolution is to relearn Latin so I can re-read the Aeneid so I can rip the shit out of that god-awful motherfucker, Aeneas. Lord how I hate that bastard. My anti-Aeneas essay will include copious evidence and footnotes, and will be written in Latin. In summation: I will brush up on a dead language so I can tear a new asshole for a fictional character.
Mr. Teatime said:
I resolve to reply to these contests before the time limit as measured in YOUR time zone 🙁
A noble goal, Mr. Teatime. I’d also like to give a shout-out to Indil, whose lengthy resolution to win a TR shirt was written in a lengthy series of haiku. I almost named him a winner, but then I realized I’d have no way of knowing if he’d actually keep his resolution to write haikus for every TR contest if I awarded him a shirt now. So I guess we’ll all be watching, won’t we, Indil? The winners are on the next page.
In the end, I decided to award shirts to one worthy resolution and one insane resolution. See if you can guess which is which.
To track Nathan Fillion to a Whole Foods Market in Hollywood and, having smeared my t-shirt with oil and carefully mussed my hair, talk him into the parking lot where the flattened back tire of my ’98 Pontiac Sunfire waits to be changed. Then, gratefully and despite his protests, I treat him to a Machiatto, which I spill down his shirtfront. Alas, I am but a clumsy woman! I must pay for the shirt. Paying for his shirt is the least I can do, and my money is in my motel room, and my motel is there, right there across the Starbucks parking lot. In the doorway of room 14B of the Howard Johnson, I pause, because in this evening light through the vertical blinds, do I perhaps recognize him from somewhere? Do we not have a mutual acquaintance? Ah no, I remember! And I tug my “Serenity Valley Browncoats” from my duffle, and hand him a Sharpie, and he signs while I track down my travelers checks. Nathan Fillion leaves. I cherish.
I was so surprised and delighted that this did not end up as an FFF starring Rivka that I’m giving her a shirt. I was dead certain her resolution was going to be to rape Nathan Fillion, so I’m basically rewarding her for not doing that.
Mine is to not drop out of college because of recovery from surgery from getting this fucking tumor removed. All in one fucking week I find out my arthritis is spreading, I have a tumor, and I have Lyme’s Disease, even though I rarely go outside. I live in a metro area for fuck’s sake, haha.
Dude deserves a shirt. At the very least. Greef, you wear this shirt and if it all helps your resolution to stay in college, then it will be the best prize I’ve ever awarded.
So those are the two winners, but I want to call out yet one more entry:
Jenn the Hen said:
I realize by saying this I will probably be ostracized but I have never saw Star Wars. And if I happen to win this contest I vow to watch every single one. If I don’t win though I will not watch any one of the movies.
Now, Jenn the Henn put me in quite the pickle. I don’t respond well to blackmail, but at the same time, I’m a massive Star Wars nerd and the thought of someone not seeing Star Wars offends me to my very core. Drives me crazy. But I also realized that if I sent her a TR shirt, Jenn could easily take it and still never see Star Wars. So Jenn, here’s my deal.
Figure out a way to prove to me you’ve seen Star Wars. It may require more than one way — perhaps visual evidence, some signed affidavits, I don’t know. Email me the proof you have seen the original Star Wars trilogy — ALL THREE MOVIES — and I will send you a shirt, and not a moment before. May the Force be with you, Jenn — as well as everybody else who entered.