Comics, Daily Lists, Toys

9 Unessential X-Men Action Figures

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?Much liked the ruled the comic shops of the ’80s, the X-Men dominated the toy stores of the ’90s. As kids grew disinterested in ’80s mainstays like G.I. Joe and Transformers, the X-Men — thanks to a very long-running and shockingly comics-accurate cartoon — took over the space with countless Wolverines, Cyclopses, and Jean Greys (mostly Wolverines, though). Because of the show’s longetivity and how much it borrowed from its source material, not only countless X-characters were made into toys, but Toy Biz scrambled to figure out new ways to repackage the main X-Men for more sales. Some of these worked. Some of them didn’t. Here are 9 utterly unessential X-Men figures that don’t need to be in anybody’s collection.


9) X-Men Metallic Mutants

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?The Metallic Mutant series are simply reissued figures of earlier characters but now in a shiny metallic paint deco. The packaging insists upon itself but should likely come with an explanation justifying its existence, as the demand for shiny X-people is not overly apparent to anyone save for the truly compulsive collector or Goldfinger.

8) Polaris

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?Polaris is another one of Magneto’s shorties and she has similar powers to her pop. Her figure is terribly off model due to the fact that Toy Biz just did a sloppy repaint of an earlier figure of Rogue. You’re looking at a toy made without an ounce of thought or caring. Interesting, eh?

7) Forearm

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?Whatever question you’re asking yourself right now, the answer is almost certainly “Rob Liefeld.”

6) Marvel Legends Toad

When ToyBiz launched Marvel Legends in the 1990s, they changed action figure collecting. The figures had a new scale, were heavily detailed and had amazing articulation. The first wave of Legends included heavyweights such as Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk… and Toad. This is like three Beatles touring alongside Gary Coleman. Not only is Toad not worthy of his company, but his figure had less than half the articulation, having been planned for some previously scrapped X-Men line. Too bad Toy Biz chose to put it in the one place where it would garner absolutely the most attention.

5) Ahab

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?Ahab is a mutant/cyborg sea captain who can shoot energy harpoons (naturally) and has a cybernetic peg leg. Sure, it sounds cool, but then you look at the Ahab figure and it’s clearly not. Why they couldn’t put a foot on the end of that peg I’ll never know but there it is. He looks like a rejected villain from Sid and Marty Krofft’s H.R. Pufnstuf.

4) Ruby Quartz Armor Cyclops

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?Special armor is often a silly excuse to market a new figure, but this one is monumentally silly — the most boring man in comics, Cyclops, wearing Ruby Quartz armor. For those not in the know, ruby quartz is the element that Scott wears over his eyes to keep his death rays from pouring out and destroying cities blocks every time he stares at something. Essentially, Cyclops is wearing a body suit of something that would only be useful if he’s A) either fighting himself in a mirror or B) he emits death rays from other orifices in his body that we don’t know about.

3) Monster Armor Rogue

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?You know a toyline has run out of steam when the concepts start getting a little weird. If Snake Eyes has an alien bursting from his stomach or if Spider-Man is wearing Crocodile Dundee’s hat, it’s usually a sign that the toymakers should just turn out the lights and go home. But if they did, then we wouldn’t have the nonsensical Monster Armor figures, which forced the X-Men into awkward poses and gave them clip-on armor of scary animals — e.g. Rogue, who became some kind of green bat-fish-woman thing. Look, if an idea is too out there for an actual X-Men comic, then it’s about 30 times too crazy to be made into a toy.

2) Sugar Man

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?I’m not sure many people have wondered what an evil version of the Kool Aid Man would look like, but apparently someone did and they worked at Marvel. Still, how someone over at Toy Biz approved a figure of this hideous z-lister is beyond comprehension. Sugar Man should have been joined by evil versions of the Pillsbury Dough boy, The Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean. Then he could have been released in one of McFarlane Toys’ ridiculous toylines and not cluttered up the X-Men.

1) Wolverine Patch

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?The main thing about Wolverine that’s cool (other than his hair and the confidence he derives from it) is his claws. They’re badass and people wish they had them. However, if you did have them, you certainly wouldn’t also need to strap gigantic blades on each arm in what is absolutely a grotesque gesture of overcompensation. How this figure didn’t come with two pit bulls and a fully loaded F150 complete with truck nuts we’ll never know.

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