?No, this still isn’t The Other Story. Settle down. Rest assured The Other Story is coming, you fools, because you all were stupid enough to keep asking for it despite me explicitly telling you you didn’t want to see it. But before I post it, I need to get a few other stories out of the way, partially because I don’t want to lose the opportunity to run them on FFF, and partially to soften the eventual blow (if I ran The Other Story after a rough couple of FFFs, the readership of TR would undoubtedly drop in half). So it’ll run in a few weeks. Stop asking.
Now onto this week’s FFF entry, submitted to me by Mike. It’s a lengthy tale of robots and romance, written by an author who calls herself TheRealMrsOptimusPrime, the reasons for which will be abundantly clear shortly. Right now, the story is four chapters and 9000 words, so you’ll forgive me if I sum up a bit.
? The main character, Bonita, was in a car wreck, whereupon a doctor turned her into a half-robot, half-girl, Bionic Woman-style. ? Eventually it’s revealed that several other girls were also in the wreck, also turned into robo-girls, and joined up with the Autobots. ? Bonita begins working for the government as a Bionic Woman, kind of, but her first mission is in Taiwan to fight Decepticons, where the Autobots show up, and…
On the ground zero where the battle was taking place, My self and the
other females were trying to keep the enemy form destroying the city. I
went to one of them and pulled out her red ion blades and took her
battle stance. So she ran up to the enemy, but he shot her in the chest
armor and she thrown back into a building behind her. The enemy slowly
walked toward her but he stopped…
Optimus Prime was running toward
them. I looked at the enemy wondering why he had stopped moving, I
tilted my head back to see the most wonderful thing…He was the most
handsome charming robot looking man I have ever seen. He had the most
beautiful light blue eyes, that I have seen. I was lost in his eyes for
what seemed for the longest time then he was gone…What I didn’t know is
that he had tackled the one who shot me. As I saw him take that ugly
looking thing to the ground…then he ripped off the giants head and
dropped it on the ground. I looked around and saw the other ones like
him retreat. As the hot looking one walked toward me he said in sexy
voice “are you alright and who are you, where did you come from?” As I
answered in a shy but beautiful voice “I am fine. I came from a secret
lab not to far from here. By the way my names Bonita, and who are you?”
looked deep into my dark blue eyes, and said “My name is Optimus Prime
and I come from a plant called Cybertron and we are here to protect the
human race from the Decepticons.” I looked at him with a confused look
on my face and said “Decepdwhat what is that?” He said in that sexy
voice of his once again “Decepticons are our mortal enemies of ours form
our plant.” I replied to him saying “That’s what them damn things
We’ll continue after the jump. It’s a long one, so bring a snack.
Again, since this story is so long, let me keep doing summing up and doing snippits until we get the good part. First, Bonita returns with the Autobots and Optimus takes it upon himself to train her.
Optimus replied “this is going to take a while, but instead lets work on
you hand to hand combat skills first.” I said “that’s fine with me.” I
tried to tackle him to the ground, but he moved and tackled me to the
ground first. I looked up at him and blushed bright red. Optimus said
“what’s wrong?” I said back “nothings wrong everything’s just fine.” So
he looked at me in a weird out of sort way. While the rest of the
Autobots were watching form a distance. Ironhide walked up and said in
deep country voice “Prime what are you doing?” Optimus got off of me and
said “I am just training her.” “That’s not what it looked like
to….nevermind Prime.” Ironhide said turning away. Optimus replied “What
is that suppose to mean Ironhide?” Ironhide looked back and said
“nothing sire.” I got off the ground and said “what now Optimus?”
The Doctor who Bionic Woman-ed Bonita shows up and gives her an electro-shock or something, knocking her out.
Optimus laid me on the table then backed off. Ratchet hooked me up to
this wired machine. I saw Freda, Bumble Bee and the rest of the team
watching from behind a glass window. Ratchet said to Optimus “you should
wait in the next room Prime.” Optimus replied “no I am staying right
here.” Freda said looking at Optimus “I think Prime is in love with
Bonita, don’t you think so to Bumble Bee.” She rubbed up against Bumble
bee waiting for an answer. Bumble Bee replied but was blushing as well
“I think so to Freda.” Chelsea, Ironhide, Alana, Saila, and the rest of
the Autobots walked away. Ironhide said to Chelsea “would you like to
get something to drink with me?” Chelsea blushed and said “I would love
I was asleep on the table when Ratchet replied to Optimus “I
can dismantle the chip in her brain but it will hurt her for just a
moment.” Optimus said “just do it and get it over with. I don’t want
anything to hurt her anymore.” Ratchet replied back “very well.” Then he
began the process. Optimus reached down and held me my hand while
Ratchet was working and whispered “I am right here. I will never let
anything happen to you ever again.” Ratchet saw Optimus holding her hand
and said “Optimus you are not allowed to touch her while I am working
on getting the chip out.”
“Optimus, please don’t rape another human girl while she’s passed out on my operating table. The AMA is frankly not pleased with either of us.”
Optimus looked at Ratchet and let go of
my hand. He stepped back. “It will only take a second.” Ratchet said.
Optimus stood there waiting. He had never left my said not for a moment.
-about ten minutes later- Ratchet said “it is done.” Ratchet asked
Optimus to take her to the recovery room. Optimus lifted me up very
careful cause he didn’t want to hurt me and took me to the recovery room
and laid me down gently. Optimus sat down next to the bed and fall
Mean while Bumble Bee, Freda, Ironhide, and Chelsea were talking while
they were eating. Freda said smiling “I think our little Optimus has
been bitten by the love bug.” Ironhide said “he isn’t the only one right
Bumble Bee?” Freda and Bumble Bee looked at each other. “I did not”
Bumble Bee said blushing. Ironhide said “it must be true.” Bumble Bee
replied “Chelsea got bitten by the love bug to. Because she got a crush
on Ironhide.” Ironhide blushes. Ironhide and Bumble Bee argue while the
girls finished eating. When the girls are done eating Bumble Bee gets up
“come on Freda your going to be sleeping with me tonight.” Freda looked
at him with a bashful look, then replied “alright.” Ironhide said “it
looks like Freda and the Bee are going to get it on tonight.” Bumble Bee
replied “Buzz off mind your own busssssiness.” Ironhide looked at him
then walked away.
Adorable, eh? And it should be clear that the other cyber-ladies are pairing up with other Autobots, of course, much like ol’ Optimus is falling for Bonita.
The next day I woke to see Optimus sound asleep. I asked him “where
am I and why are you here?” Optimus replied “Ratchet took the chip out
of you that the doctor was using against you. I stayed with you to make
sure you where ok.” I tried to get up but Optimus stopped me and said
“don’t move yet, that is until Ratchet says you can move.” I looked at
him and he looked at me our eyes connected with one another. He put his
hand on my cheek and moved closer to me. My mind was going all over the
place while he was moving closer. That’s when his cold hard lips touched
my hot red ones.
We got lost in the moment and that’s when
Ratchet walked in to see us kissing. Ratchet said ‘what are you two
doing?” We both jumped. Optimus looked at Ratchet and said “Its not what
it looks like Ratchet.” “Sure it isn’t Prime. Your in love Bonita.” He
said. That’s when Freda screams “IRONHIDE YOU OWN ME MONEY!!!!” Ironhide
walked by and said “thanks a lot Prime you lost me 100 dollars.”
Optimus looked back at me and said “opps I think we have been caught and
now it is going to be all over the base.” “Its not our fault Ratchet
has a big mouth.” I said and looked at Ratchet and smiled.
looked at Ratchet and said “would you get out of here!!” Ratchet left
the room and it was just me and Optimus. He looked at me and smiled
“Bonita there’s a few thing I would like to ask you.” Prime said. “What
is it you want to ask?” I said still blushing. “Umm…..would you be my
girlfriend?” Optimus blushed and looked at the floor. I replied “I loved
you since I first met you on the battle field.” Optimus looked at me
and said “I don’t want to feel like we are moving to fast but I want to
ask if you would be my girlfriend anyway your so beautiful to me.”
Now, I need to warn you that there’s no explicit sex in this story, and I don’t know that any of the asides I make will be that memorable. But stay with me, because I think it’s going to pay off big time. So after another meaningless and undescribed Decepticon attack…
While Optimus went to fight the Deceptions me and Freda talked. I
told Freda that me and Optimus were dating, she gave me a huge bear hug.
Freda had to something very important to tell me. She said ” Me and
Bumble Bee were dating for awhile now, Bumble Bee doesn’t yet, but
Bonita, I am pregnant. I am going to a little Bee.” I replied in a happy
tone “I am so happy for you two. Who else is having a kids.” Freda
replied “Chelsea and Ironhide are having a baby.” then I said “Everyone
is having a baby except me. I feel so left out.” Freda said “you can
work in that later.”
Transformers Need Women! While all the Autobots are impregnating their significantly human others, cybergirls Alana and Lisa join the Decepticons for reasons unknown. This is not important in the slightest degree. However, Optimus gets injured in the latest fight.
I looked back at Optimus and ran to him. I said “don’t leave me
Optimus please stay with me.” Optimus looked up at me and said “I am not
going anywhere my love.” I helped Optimus up and Ratchet along with
Freda ran toward us. Ratchet helped me get Optimus into Optimus’ bedroom
with Freda trying to help but I know her deep secret so she couldn’t do
any heavy lifting. We laid him on his bed.
Ratchet started to
look him over. I asked Ratchet “Is he going to be alright?” Ratchet
looked at me and said “he is going to be fine, just keep an eye on him.”
I said back to him “I will keep an eyes on him myself. I will stay with
him tonight.” Ratchet then replied “That’s fine.” Then he left the room
taking the others with him. I sat next to him on the bed and took his
hand in with mine and said “I am here for you my love.”
said with a deep low sexy voice “I know that you are my love. You will
always be by my side even in battle. Your training has come along way
your almost as good as me.” I looked at Optimus holding my face close to
his and said “I will love even after death.” Then I pressed my lips
against his. He pulled me closer to where is spark. I straddle his waist
and put my hands on his arms and said “I guess your feeling better now
Optimus.” He looked at me then replied “very much so.” Optimus and I
began to make passionate love.
Since Optimus is a 20-foot-tall robot and Bonita, even as a bionic woman, probably can’t be topping 7 feet, I have no idea how this works. Best not to think about it, really.
Freda and Bumble Bee were walking
by Optimus’ bedroom door when they heard strange moaning sounds. Freda
smiled at Bumble “Ironhide owes me money once again.” Ironhide started
to walk toward us. “What’s up guys.” He asked. Freda held out her hand
“pay up Ironhide where’s my 100.” He looked at her and said “Why?” Freda
replied “cause Optimus and Bonita are getting it on right now.” She
said laughing. “What? No there not.” Ironhide said. “Just listen then.”
Freda said with her funny smile.
Ironhide heard moaning coming
from Optimus’ room. Ironhide looked at Freda and said “here is you
money. I am not betting you no more. Freda that’s the last straw not
more money from me.” They all walked in silently but once again Ironhide
Oh, that Freda! Always assuming her friends and robots are fucking, and making money off it!
-2 hours later- Back in Optimus’s room. I fall asleep
with My head on his chest. Optimus was holding Me close and wasn’t
going to let go of me. I looked at Optimus and smiled. He was fast
asleep with me in is arms. I gently laid my head back on his armor and
from that moment I know that we were going to be together till the end
of our days.
This isn’t a sex story; it’s pure romance. A romance between a girl and a giant robot who is occasionally a truck. This is creepy on a whole different level from other FFFs, because TheRealMrsOptimusPrime isn’t trying to get off on whatever depravity she can imagine, it’s that she really, really wants a loving, committed relationship with… a giant robot who is occasionally a truck. There’s still a lot more, so please keep reading.
1 mouth later- I was walking from the sleeping quarters and saw Freda
standing near a door. I walked up to her and said “Freda what you
doing?” She replied “Shhhhh Bonita. I need to show you something.” Freda
took me into the room and closed door. “What are we doing in here
Freda?” I said. “Shhhhh look Bonita.” Freda replied and points down at
and egg covered in blankets…from Optimus’ room and the others. I replied
“When is he/she going to hatch?” Freda looked at me and smiled, then
said “any day now.”
So, so much weirdness in this paragraph. Maybe it’s just me, but the kind of insanity that makes you believe robots — ahem, fictional robots — hatch from eggs, well… that’s not perversion, that’s crazy talk. That’s your dog-telling-you-to-kill-Jim Carrey crazy. It makes the human/robot conception and one month+ gestation seem pretty reasonable in comparison, though.
When Optimus said that the girls come into the dinning hall with
smiled on there faces. Freda, Me, Chelsea and Saila took there places by
their men. Freda looked at Bumble Bee and said “Bee your going to be a
father.” Bumble Bee looked at her then fainted. Chelsea did the same to
Ironhide but he didn’t faint instead hugged her close. I looked at
Optimus and said “we are going to have little Autobot babies running
around here.” Optimus looked at me and said “your not pregnant are you?”
I smiled and said “not that I know of.” Optimus looked at me like I was
GO FUCKING FIGURE.
Optimus asked me if I could go with him to his personal
dinning room. I told him yes. He took to a private place and there was a
table set for two, with candles lit. Before we started to eat Optimus
had his hand behind his back. I looked at him and he looked nervously
back at me and said “Bonita I know that we haven’t know each other for a
long time, but it feels like at we have.” He got up, come to my side
and went down on one knee. He pull his had out from his back. He held
out a dark blue velvet box and said “I made this my self I wanted you to
have it and if you would make me the happiest man alive by becoming my
bride.” He opened the box.
In this box was a pure white gold
diamond ring. I felt tears coming to my eye’s and that’s when he said
those five words that I still remember “will you marry me Bonita.” I
replied while I launched myself into his arms “yes, yes I will marry you
Optimus Prime.” I had thrown myself at him hard enough to knock him to
the ground with me on top of him. He put the ring on my finger and I
hugged kissed him. That’s when the door opened and Freda was standing
there with Ironhide behind her. Ironhide smiled and said “pay up Freda
you lost and I won.” Freda growled lightly and gave him 200 dollars.
Optimus smiled and laughed. “Its not funny Prime….” Freda said walking
I looked down at Optimus and said “when is the wedding?”
Optimus said “tomorrow if you want.” I smiled and said “yes the wedding
is tomorrow.” Optimus and I ate our dinner and then went to bed. I laid
there so excited about tomorrow I couldn’t sleep but I fall asleep and I
missed Optimus, he was in the other room, because I could not see him
in till morning .
Yes, because when you’re marrying a giant alien robot after a relationship that has lasted slightly over a month, it’s best to stick with traditions.
She smiled walked to the bed and jumped onto Bumble Bee to wake him
up. She went with me to get my wedding dress, that I already picked out,
on. It took almost an hour to get me ready. Freda, Chelsea and Saila
stepped back and looked at me. “Your so beautiful Bonita in your white
Wedding Dress, witch was made with Autobot logo’s in the vale.” Chelsea
said while she started to cry. Saila smiled and said “we did a great job
on you Bonita.” Freda couldn’t say anything cause she was crying to
hard. They all said “Optimus is going to love you even more.”
And somehow, in its own way, this elaborate wedding scene is just as depraved any sex scene in other FFFs. Still, if someone actually made a veil with the Autobot logo in it, it would probably sell.
Bumble Bee, Ironhide and Optimus were getting ready for the wedding.
“Optimus we are happy for you. You found the one to hold your heart
forever, just like me and Ironhide.” Bumble Bee said looking at Optimus.
Optimus replied “I ever thought that I would ever fall in love like
I bet you didn’t, Optimus.
An couple of minutes later they had found
someone that was a Government priest to marry us. Optimus, Bumble Bee,
Ironhide, and Ratchet took their places at the alter and waited for the
wedding to begin. The organ that we had set up outside the warehouse
started to play. It was a beautiful day to have the wedding outside. The
nest team and the others that were there stood up and faced the door.
Freda, Chelsea, and Saila walked out in front of me and took there
I slowly made my way down and stood next to Optimus.
Optimus took my hands in his and we both looked at the preacher. An hour
and a half later we all went in side for the dinner and the gifts. “I
love you so much Bonita and nothing will change that.” Optimus said
while we finishing eating. After everyone had finished Freda said
happily “cake time cake time.” Optimus shook his head and said “she is
acting like a little kid again.”
Oh, I can’t wait until I give you the big twist.
I spoke to Optimus “I am not feeling to good for cake.” I went to the
bathroom but Ratchet stopped me. “There is something that I need to
tell you Bonita.” “What is it Ratchet?” I replied. “your having a baby.”
He said back to me. I looked at Ratchet and said “I am have a little
Optimus?” He nodded and walked away. After the party was over I pull
Optimus back to our room and kissed him happily.
about my love?” He said smiling. “I am having a little boy Optimus.”
Optimus looked at me and hugged me carefully. He was so happy, then he
said? “I am going to name him Maxilious.” “That’s a wonderful name
Optimus” I said hugging him back. Optimus and I smiled happily cause we
were going to have a new member to our family.
This isn’t the twist. Surely if you had any sense you knew that the giant alien robot was going to impregnate the lovable cyber-girl that captured his heart. But does TheRealMrsOptimusPrime’s elaborate fantasy involved giving birth to their child?
-2 hours later- I was still in my room talking to Freda when a sharp
pain hit me. I looked at Freda with a hurt look on my face. “What’s
wrong Bonita?” Freda asked. “I don’t know my stomach hurts.” I said.
Freda had a confused look on her face, then she realized what was wrong. She
looked back at me and said “you in labor Bonita.”
Of course it does. I feel I should point out that while I did skip Bonita and Optimus’ honeymoon (nothing happened, as it kept getting interrupted by various Autobots, including Bumblebee showing off his and Freda’s little girl) and the doctor sent to help Freda and Bonita have their Transformer babies turns out to be a Decepticon spy, neither of these things have any consequences in the story. So back to birthin’ ‘bot babies!
I screamed out in pain. Ratchet heard me while he was
walking past the room. He can in and saw what was going on.He asked Freda “what’s going on here?” Freda looked at him and said
“she is having her baby. Where’s Prime?” He answered “he’s not here, but
I will send a massage out to him. Prime are you there?” Optimus said
“yeah do you want a little busy here?” Ratchet told him over one of my
screams “your wife is having her baby.”
I can only hope someone sends me a massage whenever I’m in the same situation.
I did not want to have the Baby in till Optimus was here with me. So I
tried my hardest to what But I could not what anymore. I screamed out
in pain and just about that time Optimus came running in ” is everything
ok” he said. Ratchet looked at Optimus and told him “yes Prime she will
be fine, she’s just having labor pain’s, she will be fine” Optimus
walked over to Me and held my hand.
Optimus looked at me and said ”
everything will be ok my love , I’m here now.” I just looked at him in
trying to smile, but the pain was getting worries’ then Ratchet said to
me ” PUSH” I pushed as hard as I could and about the time I pushed, I
heard a small cry, Ratchet said ” it’s a boy” and handed the little one
to Optimus. He looked at his son and said to me ” he’s so cute I will
call Him Max for short, but your name will be Maxilious.”
What about the eggs?! WHAT ABOUT THE EGGS?! MADAM, I’M BEGINNING TO DOUBT THE VERISIMILITUDE OF YOUR STORY ABOUT BEING IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH A GIANT ALIEN ROBOT AND THEN HAVING HIS BABY
Optimus walked over to me and put him in my arm’s . I looked up at
Optimus and said “I love that name.” I looked down at my son and said to
Optimus ” he does have your eyes and , well he looks just like you.” I
held our son close and he just looked at me with is beautiful blue eye’s
. Optimus looked at me and kissed me and said ” he will be a great
leader one day.” I just smiled at Optimus and every one looked at us and
said ” he looks just like the both of you , you to should be vary
proud” I looked and everyone and said to them ” we are, the both of us.”
The End! Well, of chapter 4 at least; TheRealMrsOptimusPrime promises more to come. So, I would like to assume most of you all are decent people and are horrified by this epic of love and robots, but clear, there’s a dearth of decent people reading TR. Regardless, I assume most of you are wondering what the twist is. Well, it’s not in the story.
Would it surprise any of you to know that TheRealMrsOptimusPrime’s first name is Bonita? Nah. The story’s written in the first person, and given her user name, she clearly has feeling for the Autobot leader.
What if I said she wasn’t a teen? That these aren’t the written of a young, hormone-filled, emotionally tormented 14-year-old, but instead, is 25 years of age? Unsettling, perhaps, but not totally surprising.
Maybe that Bonita, the real Bonita, counts among her friends girls named Freda, Alana, Chesea and Lisa? That she’s included them — and god only knows if they have such feeling for fictional robots, like Bonita — in her tale, thus blurring the lines between her story and her life even further? Disturbing, but hardly mind-shattering.
Now…what if I told you that Bonita,. sweet, Optimus-Prime-loving Bonita, had a child…
Yes, TheRealMrsOptimusPrime has written a fan fic about getting married to Optimus Prime, and inserted her real-life child into it. She imagines her child — her real, actual child — being fathered by Optimus Prime. If that’s not one of the most disturbing things you’ve ever read during FFF, god help you.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.