Hey, Konami’s making an updated Rush n’ Attack game for Xbox Live and PSN! I’m excited, and I apologize because even if you were old enough to have been around for the early days of the NES when Rush n’ Attack was first around, chances are you don’t give a shit about a remake because it was a thoroughly mediocre game. I may be one of the few people on the planet who is genuinely excited about this game, and I’ll tell you why — I suck so, so hard at Rush n’ Attack. I mean seriously. I may have gotten past the first level like twice in my hundred attempts at playing the game. I hoped that it was just my youth, but no, I’ve played it on emulators since then and I suck just as hard, if not harder. I downloaded it on the Wii’s Virtual Console in 2008 and am still awful. There’s no reason I should be so terrible at it — I mean, look at this gameplay:
…but I can’t do it. I die immediately and ceaselessly every time I play, and it drives me crazy. So whenever I see it, I have to play it in hopes that I stop sucking, and whatever mystical curse has been lifted. Clearly that won’t happen with the original game, but by god I’ll buy this new and hope to hell that I finally managed to stay alive for more than 10 minutes. I will prevail! I hope!
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.