The 10 Most Obnoxiously Preachy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Aventures Comic Stories


?As a group of superheroes, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are
widely known for their comic books, movies, cartoons, video games, and
toys. However, there are actually multiple comic continuities, one of
which was squarely aimed at younger audiences in the late 1980s and
early 1990s. Archie Comics’ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures
originally started out adapting episodes of the cartoon, but quickly
moved on to their own, original stories focusing on the most 1990s-iest of
topics. Intergalactic Wrestling? Yes. Introducing minor non-turtle
characters from the action figure line? You betcha. But did you know
the series would go on to include so many left-wing tree-hugging
messages that it could give Glenn Beck a heart attack? It’s true!

Think we’re kidding? Captain Planet has nothing on these (very) green
teens! The series would touch on such kid-friendly topics as South
American activist assassinations, US commerce department debates, and of
course, the very real issue of aliens kidnapping rare creatures to save
them from the doomed Earth. Read on, and imagine what kids hoping for
pun-filled pizza-fueled antics felt when they read these over the past 20

10) The Turtles Meet Bigfoot
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures Special #1



What could be cooler than taking the turtles and introducing them to
weird monsters and mythological beings? Nothing, that’s what! That’s
why this installment of the comic brought us bigfoot and a freaking sea
serpent. The Bigfoot part of the story has to do with our heroes going
up to the Pacific Northwest to do whatever it is they do, presumably
order pizza and say things like “Cowabunga Jerusalem” (actually in TMNT
#53). So yeah, meeting bigfoot– that’s going to be
good times right? The story quickly turns into a “hey kids logging is
bad” and “developers suck” story rather than, oh let’s say, having
Bigfoot fight Bebop and Rocksteady. Apparently the only thing that can
stop the almighty dollar and bulldozers are superheroes. Well, that
and zoning hearings, but Captain Zoning Hearing was busy in “The Case of
the Missing Bennigan’s Liquor License.”

9) The Man Who Sold The World/Mighty Mutanimals
Issues #1-#3 of the Mighty Mutanimals miniseries, issues #19-#21 of
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures



Since issue #5, when this series split off from the animated continuity,
we were introduced to a new stream of mutant animals almost every
month. And you know what that means– spin-off! An alien invasion
after one Mr. Null, a human/demon/whatever businessman sells out the
Earth to aliens is the catalyst for this “epic” story of a teenager
turned into a gecko, a former Creole turned gator, a couple of South
American mutants, a pair of alien bugs, and a Manta Ray. So what do
these aliens want? Why, to destroy the Earth’s ecology, of course!
They’re going to come down and eat the forest and lay eggs and stuff,
sort of like that movie Independence Day minus Jeff Goldblum.

The villainous Mr. Null is the big business person in the shadows
orchestrating the possible destruction of Earth, but the kicker is that
he’s generally unseen. Until you see he’s some bald dude in a business
suit with horns, and then he grows wings and stuff every time he does
something evil enough to warrant it. Oh Archie, could your symbolism be
any more obvious? (What’s that? He can wear a speedo in a future
issue? Wow!)

Trivia note: at one point the Mighty Mutanimals were supposedly up for
their own TV series. This did not happen, but a large number of the
characters eventually became plastic action figures in Playmates’
original action figure line.

8) 1492
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures #40



Nothing ruins a good ol’ fashioned European ass-kicking like having to
make it educational. While what happened to the Americas after
discovery by colonial powers is a dark moment in history, this issue
transports our heroes back to the arrival of Columbus– now looking like
Lorne Michaels in tights– along with monks or whatever other European
evils can be brought over on the waves of the Atlantic ocean. In the
1990s the whole slavery/disease/genocide angle of Columbus was generally
left out of the elementary school history books, and the decision to
make a person for whom kids get a day off of school in October was a
gutsy one. Plus the writers have to be given points for calling out
that not everybody was actually speaking English. But could they make
this more ridiculous and nonsensical? Of course!

While captured in a ship, Donatello meets a weird floaty eel Earth
Spirit thing called “The Other” who is never referenced again anywhere
in the series. He just shows up to go “wow, you’re here in the past
where a historical event is taking place! And Earth gets power from
these things! Wow!” So if you signed up for pizza and cowabungas, too
damn bad– it’s time for history class, and you get to pay $1.25 for the
courtesy of finding out one of America’s folk heroes was a total dick.
Sadly, Archie Comics never got around to publishing its six-issue
series on how Johnny Appleseed fucked your mom, which we presume was in
development at some point or another. (Most likely as a “Sonic the
Hedgehog” story.)

7) TurtleCo and the Rising Oceans



Not content to merely dump on the past and present, the writers made
sure that when we meet the Turtles of the future, the Earth is a clear
mess too! From the first accidental glimpse of the future– after a
series of intergalactic wrestling matches– we see that the sea level
has raised and lots of Earth is under water. We keep getting beaten
down with the greenhouse effect in multiple issues, where our heroes are
in a future where they can exist out of the closet and are actually
semi-successful businessmen who decided to name their business

Of course, what could make this better? The introduction of the
flooded-out future was narrated by none other than Cudley the Cowlick, a
giant disembodied interdimensional cow’s head. So it’s like a TARDIS,
but more hamburger-esque, and with an unwillingness to let you enjoy
your ninja stories. He did let the reader know that this was only one
of many possible futures– which was a little hammy for a floating
hamburger– but the message was clear: we’re all screwed and it’s all
your fault, suburban white boys aged 5-11.

While presiding over the collapse of Earth, we find out that the Turtles
have an unusually long lifespan and like Taylor in The Planet of the
we’re reminded that everyone they know and love from the
present is dead, which is what you want to hear after your parents drive
you to the comic shop every month. (At least that was kinda cool.)

6) Morbus, the Toxic Waste Planet
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures #13, #23



After Shredder and Krang are defeated for the very first time “for good”
in this series, an intergalactic warlord banishes them to all sorts of
remote places. Krang gets dumped on a toxic waste dump planet, which
is, in the 1990s, a fate worse than death. (It doesn’t hurt that the
planet is supposed to kill its inhabitants due to exposure to this
junk.) Shredder gets teleported to prison, Bebop and Rocksteady are
dumped sans pants to an “Eden world” with other animals running freely,
and you are of course sentenced to continue reading this increasingly
preachy series.

In #23 we see Krang floating on a radioactive barrel in a green
ooze-puddle until rescued by Slash, the evil turtle, who is babbling
about wanting his old palm tree back. Slash tells Krang to help him or
die, so then we get to see all these guys and a big alien named
Bellybomb hop on a stolen ship and go to Earth to get some palm trees or
do whatever it is evil martians who are sentenced to death for unpaid
parking tickets do. (This is not a joke. This is actually in the
book.) So once again the decision to show off disgusting waste has
ruined our chances of seeing Krang’s homeworld or some other weird cool
alien prison.

5) The Keeper
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures #26



The series’ authors put in all sorts of references to things like the
greatest Iggy and the Stooges album of all time. In this issue, we’re
given a number of Star Trek references. There’s a yeti named
T’pau, and The Keeper is now a Cthulhu/Doctor Octopus mash-up space
alien who starts kidnapping a bunch of rare creatures on Earth because
humans made the planet unsafe for them to stay there. It turns out this
“Keeper” is actually named “Boss Salvage” and he’s just kidnapping the
yeti and all these other characters for their own safety, and in the end
everybody is returned to their normal places of residence and there’s
Jell-o for everyone. (Actually, it’s pizza, but whatever.) Remember
kids, take good care of your planet or space aliens will kidnap all your
unique life forms! (Although, sadly, not ALF. He gets to stay.
That’s democracy for you.)

4) In The Dark
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures #27



Aping Lovecraft has always been trendy, and this issue does it again
with a story in Innsmouth. In this issue you get your environmental
message with a quasi-zombie tale and a dash of Springfield from the G.I.
series. So what does Innmouth have for you? Some
fully-dressed mutant creatures created through dirty factories are
turning the citizens of the town into compliant zombies by force-feeding
them weird industrial waste via, apparently, milkshakes. April gets
cramps from hers, but pretty much everybody else turns into slaves of a
cat, a crow, and an owl mutant. So remmeber, Without cap-and-trade
your entire township will be at the mercy of mutant vermin dressed in
hobo clothing.

3) Fight the Power
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures #17



Can you take a story on shrimp nets and make it into a comic book? Yes,
you can! The villain of this issue is Cap’n Mossback, a peg-legged
patch-eyed shrimp fisherman designed to parody/shame Robert
, a government official who supported/backed off from the
requirement that all shrimp nets include TEDs, or Turtle Excluder
Devices. The comic actually breaks away from the story to show us the
nets, how they work, and how happy the sea turtles are now that these
low-cost devices were installed and that the turtles do not get caught
with the shrimp. So the cover: high-flying adventure with four turtles
on top of a majestic fantastical flying sea creature. The interior:
talk-like-a-pirate version of the Secretary of the Interior and a
demonstration of new fishing technologies, just like your average
10-year-old craves. Man Ray (later Ray Fillet, pictured) guest-stars.

A fun trivia note: future issues’ letter columns mentioned that the
TMNTs were hypocrites because the action figures wore dead sea life as
armor and knee pads. Oh, you kids!

2) Leave Heaven Alone
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures #14



This issue introduces Jagwar, the offspring of some hot Brazilian chick
and a South American jungle god. If you thought all you’re going to get
in this issue is a glimpse at really weird character art and how this
pussy of a hero (in more ways than one!) keeps crying because of the
fate of the forest, you’re wrong. You’re also force-fed the story of Chico Mendes, who
seems like a pretty cool cat but this is a children’s adventure comic
about mutant animals. Rather than giving future furries fantasy fodder,
this issue takes a detour into environmental terrorism, kidnappings,
and of course, the assassination of union leaders. Wait, what?

Considering that a lot of licensed comic books in the 1990s were
designed mostly to increase the awareness of licensed action figure toys
or related products (the back covers frequently promoted Konami video
games with ninjas in them), it’s pretty remarkable what some of these
issues managed to get published given that, in all honesty, nobody
reading this stuff had any idea who the Hell any of these famous people
were. Thankfully, there’s one issue that didn’t bother to promote any
toys, but rather, just made us all feel really bad.

1) The Conservation Corps
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Meet the Conservation Corps #1



The #1 in the comic title is misleading, as that implies a #2. This one-shot is yet another
group of environment-friendly animal heroes including a mutant rhino
not named Rocksteady. For some reason an alien created yet another band
of angry environmentally-conscious mutant animal warriors to fight a
very angry oil-covered mutant duck whose family was apparently done in
by pollution. The duck itself is just a giant oil-covered duck that can
speak, it’s not like they went through the trouble to make him in any
way related to Ace Duck (a pro wrestler in this continuity) or, you
know, give him pants or anything. He’s just a really big and angry
talking duck.

This issue reads like a pilot for a superhero series that was never
meant to be, and for this, you should be truly grateful. “Wallow in
misery,” the duck screams. I’m sure the poor children who shelled out
their allowances for this issue did. It’s not like the readers had
overwhelmingly high expectations for the new characters introduced in
the “Specials,” as they never came back, and I can’t imagine anyone
missed these goons.