If there’s even one person still watching Heroes, just give them the damn win. They deserve some cheer in their miserable life.
Well said, runnerx13. I don’t know that any TV or movie has ever upset me more than Heroes. Sure, season 2 was boring and season 3 made no sense, but I don’t know anything that has more contempt for its audience or its subject material than Heroes season 4. If anyone on the Heroes staff gave a shit, it was about making the show actively worse. Some episodes were so bad that I actually lost sleep at night I was so furious.
That said, this contest was actually easier to judge than most for a few reasons — 1) about half the people picked the Dallas “it was all a dream” shtick, 2) a lot of entries mentioned horrible things that Heroes had already actually done, and 3) many ideas, while trying to be bad, were actually an improvement if added into the show. So let me first just mention a few more things, suggested by TR commentors, that have already happened in Heroes:
? Claire has gratuitously made out with Sylar
? Needless sexual tension between Claire and her father as well as her uncle
? Everyone has lost their powers for no damn reason
? Hiro has gone back to the first season in hopes of rubbing some of Heroes’ original popularity on the later seasons
? Characters have been forgotten up to 10 episodes, despite lingering plots like having several people stuck to their apartment walls with their super-powered seminal fluid
…yeah. Please, consult your own African spirit turtle before hitting the jump.
Before I get to the Honorable Mentions, I’d like to take a few moments to recognize a few entries which — while bad — would still be a marked improvement if incorporated into Heroes season 5.
Claire will grow claws and become the best at what her does (and what she does ain’t pretty)
Bryce can’t Reed. said:
The characters will realize that their lives are figments of David Bowie’s imagination as he struggles to pen the words to “Heroes”.
Future Hiro finally returns and reveals himself as the show’s big bad. He’s been bouncing around time, setting wrong what once went right in the Heroes world. Realizing that he’s the cause of everyone’s problems, Current Hiro commits hari kari with that magical sword. As he dies in Peter’s arms, Future Hiro morphs into Sylar, who reveals that he’s the REAL big bad and Hiro was the only person who could kill him, so once he finally had the ability to shapeshift he knew Current Hiro would do the “right thing” and kill himself. Then the real Future Hiro shows up and kills Sylar with the sword (after pulling it out of dead Current Hiro’s heart, natch). He then morphs into Future Peter, who reveals that he got the ability to morph and travel through time by being near Hiro and Sylar at the same time.
Peter falls in love with a mermaid.
One word… Hiro-Mite
In a desperate attempt to boost ratings, Claire gets raped. After the initial outcry, this is immediately damage-controlled when Hiro (now a fat loser with a shirt on it that says “audience” in big black letters) acts as comic relief by mentioning how this is more tragic than One More Day. However, his subtitles forget the hyphen in “Spider-Man.”
Nostromo’s Second Android said:
Hiro must battle his evil time-traveling uncle from Imperial Japan: Ziro.
But I realized that that idea is fucking awesome, and I’d watch the shit out of that season.
Anyway, Claire goes to college, becomes a lesbian again and spends five episodes not using her powers at all, but instead every one of her scenes devolves into a crappy Transformers 2-style imitations of all the worst college movies. Also, the first five episodes centre entirely on her.
In ep 6 she is kidnapped by insane college nerds (led by Mohinder, who has gone mad for some reason which will be explained in Season 6) who attempt to turn her into a robotic slave cheerleader to boost their school reps (this whole storyline is done with 100% seriousness). Instead the experiment nukes the college and everyone in it, during a special effects extravanganza which is just Claire and Mohinder burning to death in slow motion for a full two episodes. Claire of course survives, but the intense damage causes her to heal so slowly that she is just a sentient toenail for the rest of the season.
Meanwhile, Hiro travels in time and is brainwashed into becoming a soldier in WWII (by that smarmy British ninja from Season 2). In a SHOCKING TWIST, it is revealed he was the one who bombed Nagasaki. Ando somehow turns up and kills/rapes him in a fit of rage.
Also Sylar turns into Obama after a failed experiment (by Mohinder’s charred, zombie ghost) to try and give him time travel powers.
Sylar-Obama kills real Obama (in a guest appearance by Taye Diggs) and rules America. He does a great job until that woman who plays the cello arrives and kills him with a cello string. When asked who she is, she simply gives a dramatic look and says ‘I’m Cello Girl. And I’m from the future.’
TO BE CONTINUED (for all eternity….)
Caitlin, the Irish girl stranded in alternate future develops super powers from the… virus thing that’s there. She can travel through dimensions, gets superstrength, the ability to fly, and is PISSED at Peter and wants revenge.
She comes back in full spandex superhero costume, and calls herself…
(wait for it)
During the season finale, all the heroes are beaten by the new villain. Then Emma (The deaf chick) comes out with an electric guitar and defeats him with the power of Rock ‘n’ Roll.
Oh, how I wish any of these things would happen in season 5. Unfortunately, they’re all not stupid and boring enough. Some would ever require the characters to display superpowers, something Heroes tries to avoid at all costs (but is one of the many reasons why Smallville is less bad than Heroes, in my opinion). Anyways, Honorable Mentions — of things that could actually make Heroes worse — and the winners are on the next page.
Okay. Real Honorable Mentions. Real, actual ways to make Heroes genuinely worse than it’s been. Warning: Not for the faint of heart.
Our heroes and villains stand together — they had to unite to fight off and ancient lost race or an alien invasion or something else that threatened the whole world — among the wreckage of their enemies, triumphant, as a total solar eclipse occurs behind them. They look off… to the future.
From there the camera pulls back and back to reveal the final panel on a comic page in a portfolio that Joe Quesada (or Dan Didio, pick your poison) is thumbing through at a convention. He looks up at the twenty-something fanboy, smiles, and says, “I think you’ve got something here.”
Fade to black.
None of the Ali Larters are dead. In fact, there are hundreds of them, and they will all appear together in one episode for a giant throwdown consisting mostly of bland dialogue and gratuitous lingerie shots.
Monkey boy said:
The show continues as it has, annoying and nonsensical, but they now include bathroom breaks for the characters. Instead of ignoring the bodily function of defecation or urination or only including it when it’s relevant to the plot, you have peter petrelli getting a tummy rumble in mid sentence and then running to the bathroom, while Claire waits awkwardly in silence, listening to peter’s explosive diahrrea. Sylar makes creepy phonecalls but only while loudly pissing. Like that scene in beloved where oprah pees, the show in season 5 will never shy away from the releasing of bodily waste. Honestly that’s the only way the show could get worse than it already is.
Hiro loses his powers again and the only way to get them back is to face his fears and masturbate in front of a crowded theater like Paul Reubens. just as he cums he looks into the camera and yells SNIKT!
WHAT? Don’t judge me. I’m not the motherfucker who came up with dead mother cancer kiss.
Joss Whedon decides to forego directing The Avengers to take charge of Heroes Season 5. After the airing of the first three good episodes in four years, the show is promptly canceled and pulled off the air by NBC in order to fund its new reality series, “Can The Cast of Twilight Do Interpretive Dance?”
Arthur Petrelli never perished, he has been Sylar all along. Arthur killed his own son, Nathan, in order to keep the ruse going. The reason Matt isn’t aware of this, is secretly his father Maury Parkman is also not dead, and has been controlling him. The fact that Clair has been internalizing such bitter hatred towards Sylar, when it was her grandfather all along, makes her realize lesbianism isn’t enough. She suddenly finds Mr. Muggles very attractive.
The last shot of the season: Peter in a superhero get-up.
“Special guest stars…KISS!”
They introduce a new character named Juan a mute quadriplegic boy whose power is to shoot rainbows out of his mouth. These rainbows don’t actually harm anybody, they are just rainbows. The devote approximately half the season to this character who ends up having no real effect on the storyline, but teaches Peter the power of love.
Sean replied to nonentry:
Ali Larter in…THE OTHER STORY.
Claire gets cut perfectly in half, causing each half to regenerate. One half loves Peter, while the other half remembers she used to have a gay friend and wonders if she can “turn” him. Each is successful in getting their man, but a Shakespearean comedy of errors occurs when they run into each other (and their beaus) again and Peter and GayFriend suspect their Claires of being unfaithful. Noah then reveals that there were originally two Claires, but he killed the other one when Claire was but a baby for she was even whinier and more incompetent than her sister. Niki returns and swears vengeance on the Bennetts for swiping her storyline. Oh, and Sylar finally succeeds in ending the world.
HRG gets contacts.
Sylar completes his Flanderization and, while on his way to a date with Claire, has a ten-minute long monologue about his many convoluted motivations and about how, despite being a mass-murderer who’s in some way absorbed or consumed or whatever the brains of dozens or hundreds of people, he is actually the victim.
Then Future Hiro from Earth-Nine appears, kisses Sylar on the mouth and they run away to Earth-Nine to live Happily Ever After.
Claire, dumped, sneaks into Nathan’s room and something untoward happens.
The worst moment of season five will be early in an episode when they are recapping something that happened in season four. Honestly. They can’t do worse than that. I’m sure they’ll give it the old college try, but season four was the paragon of badness, against which all other badness can be judged. The absolute zero of quality. Hell, maybe the first episode will just be a recap of the last couple seasons! I can see it now… excuse me, I think I’m going to be sick.
Shudder. The sad thing is that I could see Tim Kring actually doing about 80% of these scenarios in the next season. Sure, the pooping and public masturbation are unlikely, but goddamn if I couldn’t see the series ending with Quesada’s grinning face, winking into the camera. And I really like couchboyl‘s entry; given how fucking stupid and useless the entirety of season 4, I would love to see Kring and company recap it. Frankly, if they announced “Previously, on Heroes,” and then just showed Kring graphically taking a shit on Amazing Fantasy #15, it would be 100% accurate. Sigh, Anyways now for the winners.
Man, it was tough to come up with anything more awful and incoherent than what they’ve already done. But here goes:
Heroes gets religion, and not in the way that Larry “show the beauty of God’s creation in the female form” Flint did, but in some really awful preachy “This is really God’s plan for all of us to come to Jesus” sort of way. Highlights include:
? Matt Parkman gets baptized, and renounces all his powers (with eight episodes buildup: “Will he come to Christ?”)
? Claire helps her roommate “pray away the gay”
? Mohinder dies and goes to hell for being a heathen (though sucking is also a contributing factor)
? Sylar challenges Peter to a music contest, like that horrible Star Trek ripoff, featuring Sylar playing Satan’s Music (heavy metal), and being defeated by Peter’s Christian folk-music
? Finale: the Rapture
I’m not picking ExecutorElassus’ entry to knock religion or anything. However, suddenly deciding that all the heroes’ powers are religion based is ABSOLUTELY something Kring would do, and do awfully (remember, the Heroes’ powers have previously been the result of: evolution, a magic eclipse, some other shit). It would be insulting to every viewer, every fan, and with Heroes‘ ham-handed storytelling, everyone who holds religious beliefs as well. Now for #2…
Jim North said:
In the very last episode of season 5, every single entry in this contest happens all at once.
Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.
Especially the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.
Sorry, but this is just too clever not to award. A lot of people commented how Kring would like find the TR contest page when trolling the internet for terrible story ideas, and Jim North has summed up Kring’s horrible storytelling and bankrupt creativity perfectly. Well done to Jim and Elassus, and thanks to everyone who entered. I hope that this contest provided my fellow Heroes watchers with a few moments of entertainment, because we certainly won’t be entertained once season 5 actually starts.