8 of Professor X’s Biggest Dick Moves


?Charles Xavier can be called many things. Mutant. Teacher. Mentor. Leader. But if you ask certain people, they might actually call him a dick. And we’re not just talking about his enemies — many of his own X-Men would quickly agree that their beloved Professor X has been an enormous asshole on several occasions during his lengthy career as the head of Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Children and generlissimo of the X-Men. Sure, maybe some of his dickish moves were in the name of mutant liberation and freedom, and we’re not going to hold it against him if he makes some mutie-hating human pee his pants to help a mutant in need. But some of Chuck’s many (many, many) dick moves were just him being a first class douchnozzle for… well, no reason at all.

So here, we’ve run down just a few of Professor X’s most grievously asshole-ish moments, and they may make you look at everyone’s favorite kindly old mutant “hero” in a different way. And you won’t need to be the world’s greatest telepath to know that Kitty Pryde knows what she’s talking about.

8) Attempting to Murder His Sister (in the Womb)


?They say that babies are capable of many things. Manipulation, lying and other forms of evil. It’s even suggested that babies will kill their twin while still in the womb. Charles Xavier is the shining example of a cute, cuddly murderer. Baby Charlie, drunk with blood lust, tried to choke out his twin sister Cassandra Nova before they were born, sensing that she was evil. Years later in Grant Morrison’s New X-Men run, Cassandra took her revenge by annihilating the island mutant paradise of Genosha, claiming 16 million mutants lives in just a few hours. So a baby Charles Xavier falling to kill his not-even-actually-real sister resulted in the violent death of almost every mutant on the planet. Nice one, Chuck.

7) Shooting the Hulk into Space


?Leave it to Tony Stark to form of club of the most pompous a-holes in the Marvel U. And leave it to Charles Xavier to join said club. In a perfect circle jerk of arrogance, the Illuminati secretly guided the course of some of the most important events of the last 20 years. Tony Stark, Reed Richards, Blackbolt, Namor, Dr. Strange and of course Charles Xavier met in a dank basement and made everyone else’s decisions for the them while patting themselves on the back. Of course, it was only a matter of time before the biggest dicks around made a fatal mistake. Blasting the Hulk into space, they felt their work was done and they could get back to talking about how awesome they were. But when ol’ Jade Jaws returned to put his foot up New York’s ass during the World War Hulk crossover event, Xavier claimed he didn’t know about the exile decision and pulled a France and surrendered. Thankfully, Hulk left the X-Men alone for the most part, but only because he saw that Xavier had already screwed them up enough himself already.

6) Turning into Onslaught


?The ’90s were quite possibly the worst time for comics ever. Everything was bright, loud, dayglow neon and way too over the top. Vacuum cleaner guns and time travelers and other types of silly crap were shoved down the throat of every kid in America. If there is one series that sums up this embarrassing time in comics, it would be the Onslaught event. In true 90s terribleness, Onslaught was the manifestation of Xavier’s repressed dark side. After mentally butt raping Magneto after he ripped out Wolverine’s adamantium, the stress gave birth to a towering unstoppable juggernaut named Onslaught. Long story short, Onslaught killed the entire Marvel Universe, and then they were resurrected by a 10 year old boy. It was so 90s, it was like Rob Liefeld and Arsenio Hall had a baby that was delivered by Randy Savage. Anyhoo, once again Xavier’s little temper tantrum got millions of people killed. Not only that, but he confessed his repressed love for Jean Gray. Gross.

5) Getting a Whole X-Men Team Killed Then Pretending They Didn’t Exist


?Xavier has wiped a few minds in his time, but none was more dickish than Deadly Genesis. Everyone remembers Giant-Size X-Men, when a brand new team rode in to rescue Cyclops from the living island of Krakoa. This one issue started the modern X-Men era, and introduced many new characters that would become even more popular than the originals. But what everyone DIDN’T know was that Xavier sent a different team before that, and got them all killed (well, sorta). In Deadly Genesis, the mysterious Vulcan, a surviving member of that team, returned from deep space. After killing Banshee, he let the X-Men know that Xavier had been lying to them for years about the second team, erasing the world’s memories of them to hide his shame. To pour a little salt into this gaping wound, Vulcan revealed to Cyclops that he was also the long lost, Xavier-erased third Summers brother! He was basically like “Hey dude, I’m supposed to be dead but you would never know because Xavier’s fucked with your mind and now I’m here to kill you oh yeah I’m also your brother. Surprise!”

4) Enslaving the Sentient Danger Room


?To maintain a super-powered army, you need to train. You need to train hard. The holographic super gym known as the Danger Room is the #1 hang out for the X-Men. It’s the one place where you can have giant saw blades thrown at you and push your powers to the max at the same time. Using advanced Shi’ar tech, Professor X offered it to his students as a place to hone their powers. Until it became self-aware Skynet style. And Xavier decided to wait and see what happened instead of deactivating it. In the the Astonishing X-Men arc “Dangerous,” the Danger Room itself targeted the X-Men and tried to kill them. After he got caught out using this new sentient life as his personal Sea Monkey, he had little defense. The story culminated with Cyclops, disgusted, telling Xavier to take a hike.

3) Taking Off Whenever Shit Gets Bad


?Sometimes a snot nosed punk kid can have a point. Professor X thought so at least during the New X-Men story “Riot at Xavier’s.” Quentin Quire, an Omega level mutant at the school found flaws in Xavier’s dream of mutant equality. Taking a cue from Magneto (and a little push from mutant drug Kick) Quire and his cronies staged a riot at the school, resulting in the deaths of several students. Once again with blood on his hands, Xavier left the school to re-evaluate his methods and his end goals for mutant kind. So, after all the young mutants who died for his dream, he simply turned his back in search of a do-over. Classy.

2) Making the Xavier Protocols


?When you lead a band of super-powered young people, it’s a safe bet that one or two of them will turn bad. That’s just what Charles Xavier thought. During the “Onslaught” crossover, it was revealed that Charles had created the Xavier Protocols. These were files detailing ways to defeat the world’s most powerful mutants that he kept in secret in case any of them needed to be taken down. The mutant hating Bastion eventually got a hold of them, and it almost got everyone killed. Good idea, Charlie, but poor execution. Y’know, Batman did the same thing once in the pages of JLA, and it didn’t work out so well for him either.

1) Tricking Children
into Fighting His Wars While Wearing Tights


?Imagine you are a mutant teenager. Everyone hates you, you hate yourself, and everyone thinks you are dangerous, including you. You feel like you have nowhere to turn, and no one who will ever understand you. And then a bald man in a wheelchair comes to you and says he has all the answers, that he can help. He tells you that he runs a school for people like you, where you can be free to be yourself and you will be protected. You leave your family and move to a huge mansion where there are other kids like you, and everything seems okay, for once in your life. Then, all of a sudden, a giant robot attacks your new home and vaporizes a bunch of your friends. An angry mob is outside calling for your head. The bald guy in the wheelchair is now telling you that you need to strap on some tights and gives you a silly code name. You are now forced to fight for him, training yourself to use your powers for his private army. You fight against other mutants, against humans, monsters, whatever. You are flown off into outer space and the far future and all over the world, getting tossed around from team to team where most of your friends are eventually killed or de-powered or forgotten about. Meanwhile, the man who you are doing this for, this man you put all your trust in, disappears because he gets depressed or wants to bone his space alien girlfriend. Does that sound like a nice thing to do?