The Gun of the Future: And the Winners Are…

?I don’t have anything brilliant or insightful to say about this week’s contest, other than much thanks to the folks of Blacklight Tango Down for sponsoring the contest and giving five copies of the game. Oh, and as a reminder, if you’re going to have an idea as good as this, spawning my favorite comment thread of the entire contest…

louieatrest said:
The Shroedinger’s Cat Gun, because are you feeling lucky punk?
(besides the possibility of death is usually enough.)

Scooter Atreides replied to louieatrest:
I’m not sure I want a weapon that has only a 50% chance of existing.

louieatrest replied to Scooter Atreides:
I see it more as a 100% chance for the victims to be 50% dead…as long as you do not check up on them.


LAO replied to louieatrest:
60% of the time, it works every time.

…you might want to make sure you enter the contest before the cut-off time (and limit yourself to one entry as well). Slightly more honorable mentions and winners after the jump.

These mentions? Very honorable.

JimmyPL said:

I would design a gun that shoots an idea at my enemies, a la the blame gun from Mystery Men. It would imprint in their minds that I am Batman. There would be no more fighting, unless I happened across Bane.

Superjoe said:

I would design a gun that could shoot out another gun, which would then shoot out a small futuristic device. This device would be endowed with cosmic powers, creating a rift in the time space continuum. This rift, would enable me to go back in time to when my enemy was a baby. I would then punch him in the face. I would go back to my time. Now my enemy’s life would have changed drastically because I had changed the timeline. He would now be a close friend of mine. Too bad my gun can also shoot bullets, because I would then BLAST THAT MOTHER-FUCKER OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

Sam said:

My gun would just be a small laser pointer that would send coordinates to a receiving satellite on the moon. Then the ten thousand thrusters installed to the dark side of the moon would go off hurtling it at the marked target. It would be called the Lunar Lander.

DE12 said:

The Best There is Gun. This six shot revolver fires miniaturized copies of Wolverine that claw the target to death, then return to their individual barrels for your next victim. It’s the best there is at what it does.

Eric C said:

I would build a Gun that send brainwave to my target and overwhelm him with comments for everything he do. The comments will be like any comments you can find on youtube or other such site, and that can be writen by any joe average who trolls because of his new-found anonymity.

Herky said:

The Wilhelm Gun: This gun would make a large drop-off or pit appear next to the target. The target would feel compelled to jump and Wilhelm as they fall to their death. At which point his partners would yell OMFG he Wilhelmed no way! This lapse in concentration would of course leave them open to a shot from the Wilhelm gun. Rinse and repeat.

Ted said:

A gun that shoots thousands of bees that are carrying guns that shoot bees.

Nicnac said:

A gun that propels the target 30 seconds into the future. Against a single target, you could shoot him, then move an object into the same space he was in. Against multiple targets, you can unleash all sorts of chaos.
I would call it “X-Gun: Fuck the Future”

smashpro1 said:

Sadly, most of the awesome fictional guns have been taken… I guess I’d just have a gun that fires bacon.

PainGiver said:

This is more horrible than I want it to be, but:
1. Shoot target
2. Bullet deploys into billions of nano-Gilbert Gottfrieds
3. Nano-Gotts infest all cells in target’s body
4. Nano-Gotts being violently humping the cell walls
5. Nano-Gotts hump their way through the cell walls, killing the target in a most excruciating way.
6 (optional setting). Once target is destroyed and Nano-Gotts are free, Nano-Gotts do that annoying Gilbert Gottfried sound, driving all nearby targets insane.

Adam Ruining said:

A semi-automatic rifle with a flamethrower’s igniter tip, dual-loading two distinct ammo types. The first ammo is a specialized Compressed Hitler round; the second is standard 5.56x45mm. Each pull of the trigger first launches a Compressed Hitler that passes the igniter, catches fire, and expands to full size mid-flight. Immediately after, as the Hitler shoots through the air at the target, the 5.56 round is fired, punching through the back of the head, through the face, continuing on to the victim. The victim’s last sight is screaming, flaming Hitler’s face exploding before being shot. Two birds, one stone.

Odemit said:

I’ve always wanted a crossbow that shoots lightsabers.

MaxtotheMax said:

My futuristic gun would be deviously simple. The barrel is cylindrical, with a smaller cylinder on top and bottom extending the opening, making a very oddly shaped opening. Each time you shoot it, a smaller but identical gun comes out of the three side cylinders, which then would create an even smaller set of guns, and an even SMALLER set of guns, ad infinitum. The infinite gun fractal (a fragtal, if you will) would then shoot the equivalent of one whole bullet, segmented into an infinite amount of pieces, piercing the target down to a molecular level. Yes, my future-gun is based on a Mandelbrot Set. A Mandelshot, if you will.

Drakonnen said:

A Supersoaker filled with Batman piss.
Ammunition: RARE
Results in stun, horror and loss of faith.

Beretta Paige said:

Easy, a gun that sprays the mating pheromone of an Elder God onto my enemy. ‘Cause really, what’s worse then being mated by Cthulhu?

hollowedout said:

The PoppaOooooMowMow. It does absolutly nothing but makes a cool POPPA OOOOMOWWWMOWWW sound. Poppa OooooMowwwMowww!! poppaoooomoowwwmowww…poppaooomoooowmoooowww

The Great A’tuin said:

The Overcompensator.
10cm bullets. Not mm, cm. That’s one solid decimeter of pure bullet coming out of the hot shaft of your steel death-rod, hitting the opponent like a flower of pain and death, a veritable facial of doom. It’s not a hand cannon, it’s a hand nuke. 3 feet long, with room for 6 bullets in its revolving cylinder, and a katana-styled bayonet attachment if you think your doomcock isn’t making your opponents shit themselves to death fast enough.
The Overcompensator. It shoots through gods. Available anywhere debilitatingly manly items are sold.

Beppo said:

I just want a damned portal gun. Then I want Alyx Vance to sit on my face.

LAO said:

As a pacifist, I’ve always lived by the “you can’t hug with fire-arms” mantra. That is why my gun would shoot hugs. HUGS THAT KILL.

Jack Handle said:

The Edgar Allen Pulveriser. Any person shot by this immediately must seek out their nearest cousin and marry them. Failure to marry a cousin causes the victim to implode into a gothic vortex. WITH MUCH DEFECATION.

P3anut said:

The KYEWAT Pistol (Kill Your Enemy With Amusing Things)
The Pistol will contain an pocket dimension. using gravitics it accelerates an object from the pocket dimension to supersonic speeds and ejects it out the end of the barrel. Drawbacks: never know what will be shot out. it could anything from the space shuttle to Micheal Bay’s severed head or even the entire cast of cats. The enemy will have to cling to sanity when without warning a skyscraper, a helicopter and rob are flying at them at seemingly impossible speeds.

venusSays said:

Finger Gun: Due to the increase in telepathy in the future… all you must do is make a gun with your fingers (like you do as a child- index finger and thumb) and make a POW sound, and whoosh a telepathic bullet comes out. The bigger the “pow” the bigger the bullet… also the rata-tat-tat you might do would make it a full auto! Just watch for saying “click click click” then you’re out of bullets!

Yatahaze said:

A gun that shoots shurikens and lightning, has tits and is on fire.

the_shrubbery said:

I would have to say a bazooka that shoots puppies with hard copies of the OTHER story duct taped to their tiny, furry, cute little torsos. When the enemy (whether they have a heart is irrelevant as heart=catch for love and heartless=catch for dinner) catches the puppy, they are thus distracted AND horrified by the fact that there is something taped to their fuzzy pal/meal…when they actually start reading the OTHER story, they are so utterly revolted that they gouge their eyes out leaving them open for attack by the chainsaw bayonet attached to the PupZooka.

Harley Beckett said:

I’m not sure about the technology for this one, but how about a gun which fires a tiny GPS dot with the ability to override all other GPS systems within a given area, like car Sat-navs. Great for assassinations, because the target never knows they’re hit until they’re run over by several cars minutes/hours later.
You may also get guys turning up and asking if you’re their lost dog.

Esbat said:

The Hello! Kitty branded Flying Panty Launcher designed for containing or creating riots in Japanese Cities. The gun would come in the shape of Hello! Kitty, in order to hold the gun one must put their hand up her skirt where you find that that the handle one must hold is a rather large Hello! Kitty vibrator, and the trigger is the Hello! Kitty vibrator rabbit add-on. Everytime you pull the trigger not only does a whole host of slightly used flying propeller powered panties fly out but the Launcher does this half-moan/half meow.

keepoffthegrass said:

First, it looks like a giant super soaker with a large stone head at the end.
When you pull the trigger of this fantastic weapon, it doesnt uhm…shoot bullets but rather vomits out smaller pistols which can be picked up and used. (Brutaliscious!) It also doesn’t make a bang sound, it says “THE GUN IS GOOD! THE PENIS IS EVIL!” Its the one and only ZARDOZ gun!

Winners after the jump.

—-

All right. As you may or may not recall, there are five winners in this week’s contest — three people get a copy of Blacklight Tango Down for Xbox Live of PC, and two people get a copy of a Blacklight Tango Down and a TR shirt. It’s better than a kick in the shins. First, the winners of the game:

Mittens said:

I’d want a 4Kids gun. It would be shaped like a water pistol and would fire rubber stamps with a ‘CENSORED’ bar on them. Whoever got hit by the stamps would suddenly and inexplicably turn into large-eyed proportionately inaccurate versions of themselves with either invisible weaponry, severely downgraded weaponry or no weaponry at all. They’d be incapable of wanting to do anybody any damage, and even if they did inadvertently cause any damage it would come in the form of black lines that would easily wash off with soap and water.
PS. The lack of violence is my oestrogen talking.

Am I based because the image of my beloved One Piece characters holding ridiculous water guns, thanks to 4Kids’ atrocious US adaptation still drives me into a black rage? Probably Still, this is a gun that is very effective and incredibly shameful for all parties involved..

ZeroCorpse said:

MIRROR UNIVERSE DOUBLE PISTOL (MUDP)
Let’s say you’re mugged. Fire your MUDP and suddenly there are two muggers: One from our universe, and his opposite from the mirror universe! Naturally, they’ll fight each other. That’s what mirror universe doubles do; They oppose their double!
Why recruit soldiers for wars when you can just create an army of diametrically-opposed doubles? Let the enemy fight themselves! When you’re done with mirror-doubles, just use the handy built-in disintegration ray to dispose of them!
DISCLAIMER: Do not use disintegration ray on people from this universe. It’s illegal, and could destroy reality. You never know.

My favorite part about this gun is how it assumes that your alternate universe doppelganger will immediately want to kill you, because of course he does. Clever, needlessly elaborate, and insanely impractical on many, many different levels.

Teeks said:

I want a Bazooka that fires 19″ Comic-Con exclusive Galactus figures. But they won’t be in their packages and will be missing a finger on one of their hands so they can’t be sold on eBay for 10x their original price to us nerds who really wanted them but couldn’t go. *twitch*

Now that’s one evil fucking gun, man. I assume the gun that shoots the MOTUC Orko SDCC exclusives was banned by the Geneva Convention for being too cruel.

Okay, here’s the big winners!

Joey said:

The Lundgrenade Launcher fires approximately 800 mini-Dolph Lundgrens
per second. Each mini-Dolph is fully automated, self-governed and comes
equipped with the standard issue boxing trunks and gloves of the former
Soviet Union. Alternate LL ammo includes Punisher Lundgrenades,
Universal Soldier Lundgrenades and the all powerful Swedish-Reality TV
Lundgrenades. Once again, each is completely self-governed. You don’t
even have to aim ’em. Just kind of spray ’em around, lay down some fire
and watch them destroy civilization as we know it. Now let’s take that
hill!

Joey, you had me at “Lundgrenades.”

Peregrin said:

The riddlin’ naked mole rat rifle. R-NaMoR for short. One pull of the
trigger and a tiny naked mole rat flies out and latches onto the face of
your enemy. Now everyone knows that naked mole rats are fucking creepy
weird to begin with, and now there’s one on your face. And then it tells
very complex riddles.
So you can either kill the poor guy, or let him wallow in
self-deprecating misery as he has his small amount of intelligent
consciousness scrambled by the inquiring mind of one of the ugliest
little fucks on Earth.

Have any of you ever seen a naked mole rat? They’re fucking
disgusting, and the thought of someone firing naked mole rats at me —
riddles or not — scares the shit out of me. I’ll take being ripped apart bullets any day of
the week over seeing those horrible, fleshy little blobs launched at me. Bleagh.

Thanks to everyone who entered; I hope to god none of you have real guns because clearly you’re all terrible, dangerous people.