These contests are killing me. Even the simple ones gets 500 entries, and since I’ve been allowing two entries per person, that’s 1,000 entries per contest. That’s why it takes me forever to judge these things, and that’s after I finally nut up and stop putting it off. Point is, I have no desire for chit-chat in these things anymore. So let’s just start with a brief ditty that was ineligible because it didn’t fit the rules, but is awesome nonetheless:
Tom Wu said:
Does whatever a spider can
Lives a year and then he dies
Mentions n’ winners after the jump.
Where the hell is my paycheck, sung by Stan Lee.
“Oh, Snap! I’m Falling For You (Gwen Stacy’s Theme)”
“One Night in May,” the J. J. Jameson love ballad.
Steve C. said:
“Wrestling with Grief is the Toughest Wrestling Match of All” sung by Peter after finding out how he caused Uncle Ben’s death
“Did I Mention The Starving African Children,” sung by Spiderman.
j m said:
“Bye Bye Mr. Hostess Fruit Pie” sung by the entire cast as paid advertising.
“Girl Falls from the Bridge” Sung by Gwen Stacy
“Baby Got Cat (aka, I Like Black Cats and I Cannot Lie)” sung by Peter to Felicia Hardy as he’s chasing her across the rooftops
“I’ll Never Eat Rice Again” – Peter after the death of Uncle Ben
The Great A’tuin said:
“Hey, This Is Spamalot, Right?” as sung by Ambush bug in full medieval gear
“You’ve got what I’m Kraven” – seductively sung by Kraven the Hunter to Spider-Man.
Give Me Something To Swing About – Spider-Man
Title: “Dear Newspaper Critics: Don’t Forget the Hyphen or I Will Murder you with My BARE FUCKING HANDS!”
Sung by: Me
Yeah I’m in this thing. What of it?
“Eight Arms to Hold You (Down)” sung by Doc Ock.
“Do The Doc Ock Rock” sung by Doc Ock and a bunch of random street dancers that come from out of nowhere.
“Red or Blonde (The Choice)” sung by Peter Parker
May comes twice this year- Performed by Doc Ock and J. Jonah Jameson
How retarded are all the girls in the school that they can’t tell that this science geek is super ripped and super cool- Sung by Peter Parker
“The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Ditko Weeping.”
Bonesaw (Is Ready) sung by Bonesaw & Ring-girls
“Out On a Limb (On a Grand Scale)” sung by Curt Conners.
? “I Don’t see how that’s my Problem” (Sung by Peter as robber takes off with Wrestling Producers money)
? “Now I see why it’s my problem” (sung by peter after said robber shoots uncle ben)
“My whole life is one big huge retcon.” -Sung by Parker during the epilogue.
“Not Defying Gravity” by Gwen Stacey
Dr. Love said:
“When will life start swinging…my way?” sung by Peter Parker as he walks through the school hallways getting bullied and laughed at.
“I’m the Only Black Guy in New York” sung by Robbie Robbertson.
“I love U2.”
An arena rock love ballad sung by MJ to Peter after he confesses his love for her.
Robot Chubby said:
“The Rainbow Connection,” sung by the Green Goblin… in a rowboat… with a banjo.
“Got me climbing the walls!” Duet between Spiderman and J. Jonah Jameson
Major Tom said:
“Wake Me Up Before I Cocoa”-Swiss Miss
? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (I was Dead Before my Neck was Broke in Two) by Gwen Stacy
? Webs Were Made for Slingin’ But The Choices I Make Throughout The Play and How I React To My New Found Abilities Were Made For Close Examination By The Audience So That This Ballad, Which Is Actually Just Me Stating My Subtext Aloud To Swelling Violins, Is Made All The More Poignant By The End Of The Play, But Not Before The Climax. Yes, I’ve Made Up My Mind. I’ll Finally Do That Thing That The Audience Paid To See Me Do. by Spider-Man
“Spiderman, Anime; Anime, Spiderman” by Soulja Boy
OK so damnit you want a Gwen Stacy song:
“Whoomp! There She Is.”
And the winners:
“It’s Raining Gwen (Hallelujah!)” But…not in a crass way. It’d be a
slow-tempo ballad in a minor key. About halfway through, you will sob
pathetically at the realization that even if Mark David Chapman were
paroled and given cab fare to Bono’s house, it would still be too late.
It took all my willpower to only pick one “Gwen Stacy bites it” song.
“I Still Haven’t Found Where The Streets Got Stuck In a Moment That’s
Even Better Than The Real Thing Which Would Be Just A Normal Superman
Movie As Opposed To A Overly Hyped-Up Stage Musical And Oh God Let’s
Preach About Apartheid And Central America And Africa While We’re At It
And Forget About The Mysterious Ways Of Our Tax Evasion From Ireland And
Other Funny Stuff All In The Name Of Love For a Superhero And Not At
All Because We Sold Out In The Late 90s And Just Want To Be Relevant and
Magnificent Until The End Of The World” – Duet By Macphisto and The
While I love this song for mocking U2, I’m not 100% sure I didn’t select it for the preposterously awesome typo of “Macphisto.” Seriously, I’ve not gotten the idea of a thick-accented, Scottish, kilt-wearing Mephisto out of my head since. Tell me he wouldn’t make Marvel comics like 900% better.
Now I know I said there’d only be two winners, but there was a gent named Paulms — who records under the name Mocha Lab, who actually wrote and performed his idea for a douchey song from the Spidey musical, titled “There’s Webfluid on my Headboard every Night.” It’s on his MySpace page right here; go listen to it. Seriously.
I know, right? Blowing an entire day to write a song in the style of Bono about Spider-Man masturbating is as horrendously nerdy as it gets, and totally deserving of a TR shirt to commemorate his triumph and his shame. Thanks to everyone who entered.