Captain America Grabbing His Crotch Caption Contest: And the Winners Are…



This was going up first thing today, but the Zack Snyder/Superman announcement bumped it. Actually, I kind of wish that this had happened around July 4th or something; there were so many great America-related lines it seems almost a shame to have ran it in October. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so patriotic about another man’s testicles before. Mentions n’ winners after the jump.

These mentions were all dishonorably discharged. Just take my word for it.

CTrees said:


Flamingwindjutsu said:

“Time for practice! You don’t get good at slut ball without warming up first!”

Ezkiel Light said:

‘I WANT WING THINGIES!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Monkey boy said:

“Oh, FANTASTIC. Some LOSERS just hit me in the dong. I’d like to give them a PUSH right down the SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD…I mean stairs.”

Arsenal said:


D. Highmore said:


Punch Yourself said:


Steve-o said:

“I’m not sure you understand exactly how horny America makes me.”

Ranarchy said:


DoctorSmashy said:

I’m the tallest Hobbit in all The Shire…. and I’m HORNY!!!!

ThePirateStar said:

And the winner of Springfield’s First Annual Film Festival is… Man Getting Hit By Football.

Ubiq said:

Betsy Ross is not my lover.
She’s just a girl that says that I am the one.
Bucky Barnes is not my son.

Shawn said:

When Captain America grabs his mighty crotch
All who oppose his shield must watch
When his pants are tight
And his drawers are white
He must tug his junk before he can fight
When Captain America grabs his mighty crotch

Joshuawesome said:

Avengers Assem-balls!

atgdng said:

“OMG! Wasp! Get out of the-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Carnivorous Bee said:

? Yo, Thor I found Mjolnir!…No. wait, its my penis.
? Goddammit Black Widow! In the 1940’s grabbing a woman’s ass was a compliment!

Rocktaur said:

“The shield is my penis.”

Variable Rush said:

? “You shall NOT stand directly beneath my scrotum!”
? “Has anyone seen my dick? It’s short and colored red and white and has blue balls!”

R3MY said:


Scooter Atreides said:

“I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time–it’s detachable.”

Schevia said:

Capt. America: “If my left nut’s life, and my right nut’s liberty, then Black Widow can pursue my happiness!”

BigBen said:

Damn that iceberg was cold. I wonder when my balls are going to…..OHHHHH! THERE’S ONE! OHHHHH! AND THE OTHER!

Hak Foo said:

Well, Gollllll-eeeee!

Sappy404 said:

“‘Can’t catch the shield in my teeth,’ huh? You’re about to owe me $20, Bucky. Little punk. I’m the God-damn Captain America.”

shill said:

What the fuck do you mean Doom gets a unicorn?!

SkywalkThis said:

My Buckyballs!

Cobra Commander said:

“I wassssss once a man! Sssssssss! Oh, there it is. I guess I’m still a man. Um, nevermind.”

timpun said:

Caption box: You’ve got to hold on a little longer, Pvt. Rogers- The Super Solider Serum will be discharged in your urine. That’s America’s pee. It must not fall into the wrong hands.
Editor’s note: This is may actually be in continuity. See Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. #9

Okay, I’m grossing myself out now.

gracekelly said:

American Masculinity: unnecessarily and publicly assertive since 1776.

The winners and a mention with extra honor on the next page.


Before we get to the winners, let’s have a very special double Honorable Mention. See, at some point, this was entered:

Artemis said:

*1940s newsreel voice* Look upon our valiant hero as he wakes from
another restful night, dreaming of the country he has courageously left
behind. He yawns and stretches, but most of all, he grabs his BALLS OF
asset to any true American hero, providing fortitude, valor, and
amplifying all the masculine traits required to defeat the NAZI MENACE!
Of course, BALLS OF VICTORY cannot do all the work by themselves; just
as every man is not alike, be he AMERICAN HERO or NAZI MENACE, not just
any man is able to have, and keep, this precious asset. BALLS OF VICTORY
must be grabbed several times a day, including upon waking, when
eating, directly prior to tactical maneuvers, and just before going to
bed. But our boys have not failed yet, and every single one with BALLS
OF VICTORY has so far managed to keep them! VICTORY, INDEED!

A bit long, but clever. Then Doc took it upon himself to read it aloud in his best ’40s newsreel announcer voice:

Nicely done, lady and gentleman. And now for the winners:

Neonlexicon said:

MY MOP!!!! (sorry, the facial expression looks too much like Stanley Spadowski.)

Neonlexicon’s insanely correct assessment that Chris Evans seems to be channeling Michael Richard in his breakthrough role from UHF delighted many, many people. We can just call this the Reader’s Choice, if you wish.

Nastyknight said:

In a last ditch effort to victory, the Red Skull made sure Steve Rogers
would have a case of crabs infused with the superior DNA of Nazis.

There were so many, many excellent entries in this week’s contest, but man, the image of a desperate Red Skull making Nazi pubic lice purely in order to fuck up Cap delights me to no end. Thanks for entering, everybody! God bless America! And his balls!