I’ve never understood anyone who’s really into vehicles. I mean, I can appreciate a nice-looking car, but I’m just claustrophobic enough to need cars with a decent amount of room inside, so I dislike riding in crazy sports cars, and I’m not a good enough driver that I’d feel comfortable in something nice anyways. Basically, as long as a car can get me places and doesn’t break down, that’s all I need, and all I’ll ever need.
The point is, this story from author StSE is extra baffling to me, although I’d admittedly find it baffling even if I did have some kind of vehicular vanity. It’s about Wolverine from the X-Men meeting the Transformers Animated version of Prowl, who is apparently a ninja who turns into a motorcycle. The gist is this: Wolverine accidentally stumbled into a fight between Prowl and some Decepitcons while on his Harley. The Harley was destroyed, Wolverine killed all the Decepticons who didn’t run, and then captured Prowl with incredible ease. To make up for his lost Harley, Wolverine demands that Prowl be his motorcycle for three months, or…
Chuckling, Logan’s fingers ran along the curving panels rising up from
the alien mech’s shoulders. The moon light reflected off of their golden
surface as if they were coated in diamonds. True, he wasn’t into
Riceburners by any means – but this one must be a beaut! “I don’t care
about money. YOU owe me – not them. So it’s YOU that has to work the
dept off,” his voice got even lower, “So that means that YOU are my ride
for the next, mmmmm, three months.”
Three earth months?!? The man HAD to be joking!!! “And if I don’t agree?
What – are you going to do about it?” the bike really wished he’d get
his hands off of him, his nets were activating now, the hum obvious to
any mech. Thankfully, the human seemed blessedly unaware of the sounds
of mech arousal.
Logan grinned at him. “Well, I’ve always wondered what Decepticons would
do to an Autobot they found tied up and spread-eagled? Haven’t you?” he
I can’t say I have. But I imagine it would be far less ridiculous than what takes place after the jump.
Oh, he wouldn’t… But the dangerous look in the man’s eyes told him that
he would indeed have no qualms about doing such a thing. Prowl gulped
down the energon that threatened to rise up from his pump at the mere
thought of being found that way. His engine choked slightly, breaking
the silence of the deserted mountain road…
Tragically, I assumed that the pump was Prowl’s penis, and the energon was the standard erotic fan fic “pre-cum.” But then I figured out he was obviously talking about his throat. I hate was FFF has done to my brain.
A dangerous smile crossed over his face as he saw the fear etched
plainly on the alien mech’s face plate. “So, what WOULD they do to you?”
He ran his fingers over the mech’s throat region as he said that, the
implied threat very obvious.
“They’d….” Prowl’s voice broke with fear. He couldn’t bear to think of it – much less say it..
Logan’s eyes narrowed. Surely a soldier wouldn’t fear torture this
intensely? What would they fear then? My god! Did these aliens have???
No way…. His curiosity was piqued now though. Did the robots actually do
something like sex with each other? Surely rape was the only thing that
would cause a soldier to squirm this way. But if they did – how? “Rape
you? Is that what they would do?” he taunted.
Wolverine’s the best he is at what he does, and what he does is considered sexual harassment in most states
Prowl couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. Shamed at his own show of
fear at that very prospect – he gulped and chewed on his lower lip. He’d
never been with another mech. Never really wanted to lose control like
that… And to think of being forced to interface.. To share his very
spark.. Was simply horrifying..
“So agree to my terms. You are my bike for the next three months.”
Logan’s fingertips doodled the mech’s Autobot insignia. Leaving trails
of electrical impulses in their wake…
Wolverine’s the best he is at what he does, and what he does is erotically caress motor vehicles
Totally beaten into submission now, Prowl nodded his agreement. To a
ninja, his word was his vow – so he was trapped into serving this human
for the specified time period. “What’s your name – boss?” he whispered
in a weak voice, unable to stop the visible tremble to the man’s touch.
Can me crazy — and perhaps the Transformers version of a ninja is vastly different from my interpretation of a ninja, but I would think not entering forced servitude and not allowing oneself to be bad touched would be higher up on the ninja honor code than “keeping your word.” Also, if Prowl is a ninja, he’s the sissiest ninja I’ve ever seen, which is doubly worse when you remember he’s also a robot.
“Some call me Wolverine – you can call me Logan,” he replied. He felt
the alien shiver underneath him. Slipping his fingertips under one of
his armored panels, he felt the bundles of wires hidden underneath. A
gasp escaped his new ‘bike’s’ lips. Did these aliens actually feel
pleasure and pain? He wondered. He’d never really thought of them much
before. Never really cared to be more exact.. But now, he kind’ve owned
one for the next three months. And to be honest – he did find
motorcycles more attractive than petty women for the most part. Not that
he was into machines like that. But it had been a while.
“he did find
motorcycles more attractive than petty women for the most part”
1) Call me crazy, but I’d still take a petty woman over a motorcycle any day. 2) Suddenly, my idea of what is considered “out-of-character” for Wolverine has been vastly reassessed. 3) Petty Women is the best all-girl FFF band name ever.
“L – Logan sir – please quit that,” the bike gasped. It was bad enough
he had a fetish for looking at humans – to be receiving pleasure from
Prowl has a human fetish, and he manages to run into the one dude on the planet who like to fuck motorcycles? What are the odds?!
He had found a panel now, prying it open with his fingertips; the
curious man was tracing wire bundles on their routes. He knew a
thing-or-two about bikes, so why not use this opportunity to learn a
little bit more. The mech moaned underneath him, arching up as he
touched the bundles. “I knew my bikes loved my touch – but they’ve never
moaned for it,” he chuckled. In fact, the mech’s reaction to him was a
big turn on. Even if the fucker had been part of the destruction of his
Given the fact that Wolverine enjoys fucking motorcycles, the term “Harley baby” is incredibly disturbing to me.
“Well… I… Um..” A shudder went over Prowl as the human touched the
surface of his primary core. Delicious sensations flamed through his
networks, burning through his weak resolve to not show his increasing
“So where do you aliens plug into each other? Or whatever you do?” Flesh
rubbed against metal as Logan slid off him a bit. His eyes searching
his chassis for the answer to his curiosity….
“Do I just stick my dick in your gas tank or what?”
“I can’t…” Prowl groaned as the man slid off him. The wonderful press of
flesh against armor now replaced by the cool emptiness of the night
air, leaving him with a feeling of emptiness…. This was a human. They
were banned from showing these deepest of mech secrets to them!
Secrets = Penis
“Remember, I own you for the next three months. So show me,” Logan
demanded. A hiss filled the stillness as his claws spread once again. He
tapped them lightly on the mech’s armor. The threat obvious… “So are
they here?” he purred in a dangerous tone as his claws trailed over the
trembling bike’s surface with a shrill squeal. He did this many times,
over Prowl’s entire chassis until finally he slipped them between his
legs and tapped their razor sharp tips against his protective codpiece.
Please note: If you’re thinking that even though Prowl is turned on by Wolverine’s sexual assault, he should still be upset that Wolverine is running three razor sharps blades across his robo-groin, congratulations, FFF has fucking ruined you.
Prowl’s moans and denials stopped abruptly at the new placement. His
entire chassis heaved as his respiration cycling increased, trying
desperately to keep his rising internal temperature within operating
parameters.. Clamping his dental plates shut, he refused to utter a
word. Since the code of the ninja called for honesty to a straight
forward question – thus, if he spoke in denial then he’d break the code.
Really, Prowl? Your ninja code says you have to honor your word and not lie, but says nothing about letting yourself get raped by other species? Your ninja code sucks ass, dude.
His silence was all that Logan needed though. Forcing the mech’s thin
legs apart, he examined the smooth surface of his armor more closely.
“Show me,” he ordered.
Prowl gave a squeak and shook his head.
NINJAS SHOULDN’T SQUEAK. THAT IS ALL.
He wouldn’t …. He couldn’t! He
tried desperately to shut his legs, sitting up as he did so. His arms
strained against the bonds which held them tightly behind his back
armor. “No!” he replied, his linkages trembling against the iron of the
Logan wanted to know more, and this domination of a machine was in fact,
turning him on a bit. This was his new bike. He would do as he asked
Not like all his other bikes, which filled out restraining orders after he tried to stick his dick in them.
Sliding over the mech, he forced him back down on the
ground with a blade to his throat region. “Show me, little bike – or do I
need to pry your armor off piece by piece and figure out how you work
from the inside out?” His other hand was still between Prowl’s legs, his
claws pressing painfully into his armor.
Having no doubt that Logan was more than willing to follow through on
his threat, Prowl decided against calling his bluff. With a defeated
sob, he activated his interface systems fully…
Hearing some clicks and whirs, the powerful man sat back up and watched.
Eyebrows raised in amusement as a rubber tube extended and pressurized –
as well as an opening was uncovered. “So you are male? What’s the
opening for?” he asked.
“SHIT! I like fucking motorcycles, but only girl motorcycles! I ain’t no weirdo!”
Prowl calmed himself, looking up from his position on his back armor, he
cringed in embarrassment as his shaft stood straight up like a flag
pole. He’d only recently discovered self-interfacing, and now to have a
human staring at his exposed nets – was almost too much for the young
mech. “I guess that’s what you would call me. And, well, we receive
other’s plugs in our ports.”
I believe “exposed nets” is supposed to be wordplay alluding to “exposed nuts,” a realization that caused me to punch myself in the face as hard as I could because it is so, so awful.
Now Logan had never really been into men all that much, but he had to
admit that he was fascinated with this mechanical male. It helped that
he happened to be painted in a color scheme that he preferred as well.
Retracting his claws, he touched the taunt rubber jack. Surprisingly, it
was rather warm to the touch. The bike gasped and flung his helm back
hard against the rock strewn ground. So they actually felt pleasure as
well? He thought with a devilish smirk. He pumped the mech a few times,
watching Prowl’s reaction.
Wolverine is jacking off an Autobot. I REPEAT, WOLVERINE IS JACKING OFF AN AUTOBOT
Warm flesh surrounding him, stroking him.. Prowl’s chassis rocked with
delicious streams of sensory stimulation. He wanted to melt under the
man. Become nothing but a gasping moaning unit of pure emotional
outpouring. His audios caught the chuckle which left Logan’s lips as he
controlled him… Dominated him… Owned him by more than mere oath…
Jesus christ, Prowl isn’t a ninja, he’s a fucking Twilight character.
A press against his open port.. Prowl mewed as a thick finger invaded
him. Lubrication filled his port in reaction. The luscious trembles of
arousal made even his peds quiver as he spread them wider. His optics
met dark eyes. Dark eyes full of curiosity and mischief. Primus he wanted to touch those bulging muscles so badly! They were as
cut as the bodybuilders he’d found himself admiring when he browsed the
Oddly, Prowl’s ninja code did have a law that if someone stick a finger up his ass, he is honor-bound to give that person a reacharound. Admittedly, it’s not so much a ninja thing as it is simply good manners.
Logan pumped his finger in-and-out of the alien mech’s receiving port,
becoming amazed at how ‘real’ it felt. The warmth.. The spreading
wetness.. The tightness… Oh, was he tight.. So tight.. His own
temperature heated up slightly as those moans filled the mountain air.
His pants becoming increasingly tight.. His balls throbbing with
remembered need as his member fought the denim for release.. Blessed
Is this description of a Transformer’s anus — warm, wet, tight — really any more ludicrous than ComicsNix’s description of Optimus Prime’s anus, which contained a portrait gallery of his former lovers? I honestly don’t think so. In fact, I’d say ComicsNix’s version is probably more accurate to the spirit of the original Transformers, because at least that ass was alien and robotic, and not just a regular human anus apparently made of metal.
He forced two fingers inside the trembling mech, his other hand fumbling
with his own zipper. “Have you ever been with a man?” he asked in a
Prowl trembled as his virgin port was stretched. The fingers forceful
yet gentle, demanding yet asking…. He was glad he wasn’t a smaller
mech.. Glad that he was of similar proportions and scale as this
powerful man…. Yes, this was bestiality under the laws of Cybertron. But
he felt more at home here – on Earth. And this was a creature created
by this world. To accept him within – was to become one with this world.
“No,” he gasped.
Dude, you’re having rough sex with a short, hairy Canadian with a bad haircut. Do not make this out as something more than it is.
Logan thrust his fingers faster into the young bike, the flood of
lubricant increasing as he did so.. His other hand had finally managed
the zipper. His cock springing free of its confining prison.. The tip
already dripping with a thin sheen of fluid… “What’s your name?” he
asked, almost as an afterthought. For he was now coating his shaft with
the machine’s own lubricant, his toes quivering in anticipation of some
much needed release.
Looking down, Prowl stared at the glorious shaft. It would make any mech
of similar size proud. The lightness of the skin almost glowed in the
moon light. Logan looked so strong, so confident as he stroked himself.
His fingers sliding back into Prowl as he did so. Their eyes/optics
locked. Both seeing the mutual need they both had…. “P – Prowl.”
“I’m your first,” he stated more than asked. He leaned forward, his flesh shaft grazing the rubber shaft as he did so…
“Yes,” Prowl admitted. The human was more than his first human – he was
his first period… He curled his thin legs around Logan’s hips as the man
pressed his hard body against him.
Unfortunately, Prowl wasn’t Wolverine’s first; the mutant used to fingerbang the exhausts of Dodge Chargers back in the ’70s.
Running his hands over the thin mech, Logan realized he just couldn’t
stand the thought of raping anything – as their first. “Do you want it?”
he asked. His lips touched the mech’s exposed neck region, and he
kissed him gently.. Nipping him slightly as he moaned… “Do you want to
feel more of me – than just my ass lying over you as we challenge the
curves in the road?”
“Oh, you make it sound so good!”
Shaking in excitement, the mech nodded. His cable throbbed as the flesh
shaft slid along it… He felt Logan’s arms going around him. The
sensation of metal slicing metal as the human mutant removed his barbed
“Show me how much you want me,” Logan whispered as he bit down on his golden shoulder armor.
Bringing his hands up, Prowl gasped as he touching the living muscle of
this sculpted man. He’d only dreamed of doing this. Dreamed of tasting
one… With his glossa, he licked the sweat from Logan’s broad chest. The
strange saltiness flooding his meta with sensations he’d never felt
before. THIS was what it was to be part of this planet… Part of this
world he loved so dearly! “Take me,” he gasped as he sought the man’s
Bearing down on him, Logan smashed his lips in a powerful kiss… Demanding…. Ordering total submission… His hips moved just so…
Moaning into his mouth, Prowl trembled in total bliss as he felt the
thick head of that organic jack slowly penetrate him… Its slow glide to
his very core so incredible.. So delicious in the slight pain as he
stretched to accommodate it. His hands drifted lower to the man’s
half-covered ass. Sliding his hands under his jeans, Prowl spread his
legs further apart as he pressed Logan tight to him. Forcing the thick
shaft deep inside his aching depths…
WAIT. Prowl’s experiencing pain? WOLVERINE IS STICKING HIS DICK INTO AN ORIFICE MADE ENTIRELY OF METAL. I don’t give a shit about his regenerative powers, than has to fucking hurt. There’s a reason they don’t make Fleshlights out of steel, goddammit.
Logan trembled as he thrust his throbbing need all the way to the hilt
within the bike. He stopped then… Lying heavily against Prowl, he
enjoyed the incredible sensation of the warm tightness surrounding him.
He’d once joked with friends over a beer or six – that the best fuck
they’d ever get was riding their Harleys down a long winding road.
They stopped being Wolverine’s friends immediately.
never dreamed that he’d one day actually fuck a bike!
But God, he’d been
right about the feel… He wanted this to last.. So just slowly, ever so
slowly – he began to thrust.
And his dick was shredded like he’d stuck it into a cheese grater.
“Ugnnnnn,” Prowl mewed as his lips were finally set free. His chassis
was doing strange things now in response to the slow thrusting of that
flesh jack. His peds were shaking, along with his fingers…. He couldn’t
FFF Band Names, Lead Singer Version: Flesh Jack
“So, you like it up the ass – or tail pipes,” Logan chuckled as the bike
bucked beneath him. It was strangely satisfying to know that the
motorcycle was enjoying the lay as much as he was.
It’s funny, BECAUSE HE’S FUCKING A MOTOR VEHICLE AAAAAAAAAAAA
Biting his lower lip as his face plate heated up slightly, the young
mech nodded. He wanted to scream to Logan to go faster… Harder… But he
feared the man’s obvious temper..
“What else do you like Prowl? What else shall we enjoy together?” his
eyes seemed to glaze over slightly, as if he was imagining the emptiness
of abandoned curving roads stretching in front of them to infinity… His
thrusts became stronger then, as he impaled the young bike on his thick
“Emptiness,” the ninja replied. He gasped as the man strengthened his
thrusts. His virgin port becoming slightly raw with this unexpected use…
This is a story where Wolverine is fucking a Transformer in the ass, and yet I cannot get over this insanity about Wolverine’s dick hurting Prowl’s “virgin port.” This story is already fucking idiotic, but this detail MAKES ME CRAZY BECAUSE IT IS SO STUPID. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT WOLVERINE’S DICK IS STRONGER THAN A ROBOT’S METAL ANUS. GODDAMMIT IF YOU’RE GOING TO WRITE A STORY WHERE A DUDE FUCKS A ROBOT AT LEAST OBEY THE FUCKING MOHS SCALE AAAAAAAAAAAA
Logan slowed down, his eyes still clouded over; he sat up and set
Prowl’s calves against his pecs. His fingers curled around the bike’s
plug, and he began to stroke it in time with his own stroking within
that tight port. “Mmmmmm, the empty road. Ahhhhhh, no rules, no place to
be. Just, mmmmmm, the tires meeting the pavement.”
“Wild,” of course, meaning “a sexual deviant”
Throwing his helm back, the young mech locked his digits behind the
man’s knees. Thus, eliminating the risk that his armor might slip on the
rocky ground… That their connection might be terminated too soon….
“Yeeeeessss,” he moaned in agreement.
“You like to mmmmm go fast,” Logan moaned, his own breaths coming in
gasps now. His entire body longed for the sweet sensation of total
release.. His fingers now beginning to quiver as he pumped the bike’s
shaft.. He was close to losing control.. So blessedly close!
So, what — his headlights were flashing and his horn was going off? How else does a vehicle lose himself to sexual abandon?
Great, now every time I hear a car alarm go off, I’m going to think that Wolverine is fucking it.
“Hard… Fast and hard, ahhhh, mmmm,” the ninja begged. His entire chassis
was humming now.. His engine revving to its highest rpm..
Hearing it as the request it was meant to be, Logan complied with a
dominant growl. Keeping one hand on the mech’s shaft, he leaned forward
and grabbed his shoulder armor. Holding him still as he increased his
pace… Hard flesh sliding through tight rubber.. Friction generating more
heat.. More pleasurable heat..
Words could no longer form as his port was pummeled without mercy.
Gripping the man, Prowl held on tight as he neared the precipitous of
pressure release. His hydraulics whined as they strained to contain the
buildup… But no longer could his jack contain it.. With a scream of pure
ecstasy, the mech’s optics whited out as his chest armor was coated
with his own hydraulic fluid.
Now he’s got to gas up the tank again. Having sex with Prowl just cost him $30 in regular unleaded.
Logan didn’t notice at first. His mind overcome with the sensation of
total release. Of pumping his hot fluids deep inside that tight port… He
thrust a few more times as he emptied.. Sagging against the mech’s legs
as he finished and the after glow hit him hard…
Yes, Wolverine HAS EJACULATED INSIDE A MOTORCYCLE. I didn’t want this fact to accidentally pass you by.
That’s when he noticed his hand was wet. Looking down at the hydraulic
fluid coated bike, he chuckled in ironic amusement. So the robots came
too huh? This could be a very interesting temporary partnership…..
THE END. If you’ve learned on thing from this story, I hope it’s this: Please make sure fucking your car, truck or motorcycle is covered under your warranty before raping them.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.