Nerdy Product Placement: And the Winners Are…
I’m not sure how this is happening. Although there were only 300 entries in last weekend’s TR contest — a far cry from the 600+ days month or so ago — the entries are generally funnier and better than ever before, so they’re actually tougher to judge. I’m having to really pick the best of the best here, or try to, and again, I remind you that even if your entry doesn’t show up here, that doesn’t mean you weren’t funny or clever as hell.
Also, I’d like to remind you that the best way to not get your contest idea or entry picked is to bitch about my selections of contest ideas and entries. Pretty simple math there, folks. I’m giving away free t-shirts; if I decide I want to give them away to people whose username starts with G, I can, and it shouldn’t upset you because I’m giving away free fucking t-shirts. If I only wanted to give away stuff to hot chicks who send me their picture I could, although I would likely be beaten to death by Ms. Robot. I figure the TR contests are still pretty fair, all things considered.
That said, let’s start with a special HM for Tasakeru88, who made the above advertisement, and then let’s hit the jump, because that’s where all the rest of the results are.
Mentions of Honor!
VADER: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete.
Ben Kenobi moves with elegant ease into a classical
offensive position. The fearsome Dark Knight takes a
VADER: When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the
BEN: Only a master of evil, Darth.
The two Galactic warriors stand perfectly still for a few
moments, sizing each other up and waiting for the right
moment. Ben seems to be under increasing pressure and
strain,as if an invisible weight were being placed upon
him. He shakes his head and, blinking, tries to clear his
Ben makes a sudden lunge at the huge warrior with his
lightsaber, but then…
NOTHING. The Sith Lord stands there his red lightsaber active, vital and throbbing.
BEN: Excuse, me Darth.
Ben reaches into the fold of his robes and produces a box of Extenze. He pulls a small tablet from the blister packet tablet and swallows it quickly. Moments later, his lightsaber springs forward in stiff, bright blue glory.
The showdown has begun.
Optimus Prime, Shia Laboef and a bunch of other offensive Bayformers are rolling out to battle… I don’t even remember who the fuck bad guy is now. suddenly, Optimus’ tires go flat. “Oh no!” Shia says. “Indeed, human friend. I can only use high quality Goodyear tires for my wheels.” Optimus says. Luckily, the Goodyear Blimp is nearby, and transforms into an autobot. “Here you go, leader! I always carry spares!” He says: Goodyear tires: The only tires acceptable for transforming robots.
Hermits United said:
Vader: Hello ladies. Look at your Sith lord. Now back to me. Now back to your Sith Lord. Now back to me. Sadly, he’s not me. But if he stopped using Jedi scented body wash, he could smell like me. Look down. Back up. Where are you? You’re on the Death Star, with the Sith your Sith could smell like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It’s Han Solo frozen in carbonite. Look again. Han Solo is now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a Jedi. I’m on a bantha.
Lotus Watcher said:
Deckard hesitated at the Penfield console, debating between dialing for a thalamic suppressant(which would abolish his mood of rage) or a thalamic stimulant (which would make him irked enough to win the argument).
“If you dial,” Iran said, eyes open and watching, “for greater venom, then I’ll dial the same. I’ll dial the maximum and you’ll see a fight that makes every argument we’ve had up to now seem like nothing. Dial and see; just try me.” She rose swiftly, loped to the console of her own mood organ, stood glaring at him, waiting.
He sighed, defeated by her threat. “I’ll dial what’s on my schedule for today.”
Later that afternoon, Deckard slapped himself hard on the forehead.
“I coulda had a V8!”
“Hi I’m Reed Richards or Mr. Fantastic to some of you, but I’m not fantastic in certain areas. So to make my wife a little more Happier I’ve started using Enzyte. It’s natural and it works. I’ve gone from Fantastic Four to Fantastic 9 in only 4 weeks”
Ray Bradbury’s Rocket ™ condoms! Each one comes in a selection of colors: Martian Chronicles Red, Halloween Tree Orange, and an elaborate multicolor tattoo design for The Illustrated Man. On the package is that gal who made the “Fuck Me, Ray Bradbury” song licking a rocket-shaped lollipop in that school girl outfit, naturally! Gets Nerds Laid in Style! Safe Sex: It’s as awesome as award-winning sci-fi/fantasy prose poetry!
-At the Council of Elrond:
Elrond: “The Ring must be cast back into the fires of Mount Doom, from whence it came. One of you must bear this burden.”
Frodo: “I will take the Ring to Mordor, though I do not know the way.”
Spokesman: “Now sure, you could embark on a suicide mission into Sauron’s domain, or you could use Cash4Gold! Cash4Gold lets you easily exchange your old, evil, and outdated jewelry for cash. Listen to what one of our satisfied customers has to say!”
Gollum: “Smeagol had nasty bright things, they burned us. Cruel elveses twisted them, yes, precious. But with money Smeagol gots from Cash4Gold, Smeagol has tasty fish. Now gives us the Precioussssss!”
Spokesman: “And there you have it. Just place your One Ring and other unwanted jewelry in the free gold-mailing envelope and drop it off with the nearest eagle (or designated postal employee). We’ll appraise and melt down your items, and in 4-6 weeks you’ll receive cold, hard, non-cursed cash, guaranteed!”
Cut to Mos Eisley Cantina
He doesnt like you.
He’s a wanted man.
He has a death sentence on twelve systems.
He is…the most interesting man in the world.
“I dont often drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis”
(Huge Venusian flying saucer comes flying up. The cockpit dome opens.)
“Hi. I’m the Venusian leader for Dristan. Are you planning on invading a neighboring planet this weekend? Then make sure to bring Dristan, the cold remedy recommended by 9 out of 10 alien armadas. Helps prevent colds and doesn’t make you drowsy while you’re disentigrating lesser beings.” (He then fries a kid on a tricyle.)
“So don’t be like those foolish Martians. Use Dristan.”
(Blows up New York City.)
KLINGON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!
KLINGON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!
KLINGON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!
Variable Rush said:
Devastator complains to Megatron about his horrible jock itch.
MEGATRON: What’s wrong?
DEVASTATOR: It’s kinda embarrassing, ever since that tussle with Agent Simmons, my jock itch has been flaring up.
MEGATRON: Well then, try Lotrimin brand jock itch cream, because sometimes the enemy is ON your scrotum.
Scooter Atreides said:
(Scene fades in revealing Jayne Cobb in mock-up of rustic tavern, begins obviously reading from cue cards)
JAYNE: Are you a bor-der world Baron? Are your la-bor-ers list-less?(the hell is listless? DIRECTOR: Just read the cards!)
Do they plot in-sur…in-sur(DIR: Insurrection, stupid!)in-sur-rection every night?
Why not try Mud-ders Milk? The pro-tine(DIR: PROTEIN!)protein, vi-ta-mins, and car-bo…car-bo(DIR: Just say “carbs”, gorrammit!)carbs will keep your wor-kers nour-ished, and the 15 per-cent al-co-hol will in-ca…pa-ci(DIR: how ’bout knock ’em out, can you manage that, dumbass? JAYNE: WHY YOU ?????????????!)
(scene goes dark–sounds of a struggle end in a wet gurgling noise. Fade back in)
JAYNE: Hi folks–Mudders Milk! Tastes like liquid crotch! Buy a bottle and make some ???????rich today!
Aragorn: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword…
Legolas: …and you have my bow…
Gimli: …and my Axe! *spray*
*cut to shirtless Gimli*
“Just because we’re fighting Orcs, doesn’t mean we have to smell like one…”
Ezkiel Light said:
Neo runs through a street, Agents after him.
Neo: Mr. Wizard! Get me outta here!
Tank: Okay go into the building-
Neo is gunned down by agents.
Announcer: Dropped calls? Should have switched to Cingular.
Batman: But what none of them knew was the incendiary went off hotter than I expected. And, when I felt the size of the explosion, and the sudden blast of searing heat…well…I had a bladder spasm. Since then, I never leave the cave without donning my Tena Men, the incontinence pad designed specifically for men, for all night comfort, dryness and security. This cup shaped product follows the contours of your body for a snug, secure fit. The adhesive strip secures the pad in its optimum position within your underwear so you can continue cleaning up Gotham worry-free.
*Just outside the Hilldale Mall*
Doc Brown: Oh my God, they found me. I don’t know how but they found me! Run for it Marty!
Marty McFly: Who? Who!
Doc Brown: Who do you think? CapitalOne!
*Que large army of CapitalOne Vikings running down the hill towards the dalorean. Doc Brown is quickly dispatched by his creditors*
Marty McFly: Holy Shit!
Marty jumps in the dalorean and says “What’s in your wallet?” before shutting the door and driving off.
“I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job God had done.
Nice going, God!
Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn’t have.
I feel very unimportant compared to You.
The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn’t even get to sit up and look around, or become Taco Bell’s new delicious $2.99 meal deal.”
My apologies to both Kurt Vonnegut and Bokononism.
To be fair, I only chose Taco Bell because I figured that it could later be worked into a plot point where the “Fire” sauce not only has Bokononisms written on it, but later counteracts the ice-nine and basically rewrites the entire novel into feel good tripe. That advertises tacos.
Dr. Love said:
[Set-up: Alternating close-up shots of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader.]
Vader: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last.
Vader: The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner…now I am the master.
Vader: I WIN!!!
[Pan back to see the two jedi masters
playing a table top game.]
Obi-Wan: Pretty sneaky, Sith…
Announcer: The name of the game is Connect Four!
Man at a call center: This is Rick with Broadview Security. Is everything alright?
Ripley: No, there’s an alien killing us all.
Man: I’m sending help right now.
Voiceover: If Broadview Security had been installed, we would have been spared Alien Resurrection.
I’m petrie911, BTW, so I did actually make this.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I’m not quite sure what the conversion rate is for a 1:30 video. I hope this still counts as a valid entry.
KYLE REESE to SARAH CONNOR: Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
(cut to close up of the Terminator’s face, then swing the camera around to focus on the ENERGIZER logo on the back of its neck)
KYLE REESE (voiceover): It won’t ever, ever stop.
Kitty Pryde: You think you’re so smart professor, but I bet you don’t even know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
Xarvier: Because it unlocks raw, latent supernatural abilities usually triggered by stress, trauma, or heightened emotion, thus requiring refinement in an environment of support, acceptance and combat readiness?
Kitty Pryde: No. Because it has swirls of cinnamon sugar in every bite, you jerk.
His image adorns Superman’s bedsheets, underwear, and nightmares.
Dogs post signs to beware of him.
HE watches the Watchmen.
He is, the most goddamn Batman in the world
(Batman:)I don’t always eat, sleep, breath, blink, or drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.
Stay vigilant, my friends…or else
Eric S said:
Rob Bricken is seated in front of a computer.
We see a quick shot of his finger clicking a mouse.
Cut to the image on his monitor – Rob has just uploaded a post onto his website, Topless Robot: “Fan Fiction Friday: May and Buster the Teddiursa in ‘Adopting a Cute Bear Cub.'”
Suddenly the door explodes in a shower of splinters and wood as Brickhousebunny21 smashes into the room.
BRICKHOUSEBUNNY21: “WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS? I wanna know whose idea was this RIGHT NOW. Who did this on purpose, huh? I found this little secret and I’m so angry I wanna know who did this and why or I’ll report everyone here to the site moderaters on this website and Yiffstar and have the one responsible BANNED FOR LIFE. NOW TELL ME WHO DID THIS NOW?”
ROB: “Uhhh . . .”
Sound of tires squealing as the image freezes.
ANNOUNCER: “Need a moment? Try the chocolate, caramel, and fresh cookie crunch of Twix.”
Frozen image resumes as Rob whips out a Twix and munches fiercely for several seconds trying to think of what to say as Brickhousebunny21 looms over him, visibly shaking with rage.
ROB: What makes a Brickhousebunny21 write not just a tale of pedophilia, not just a tale of bestiality, but of combining the two so I have to copy and paste a goddamn teddy bear talking about “mommy” sucking off his “wee wee”? Unless you were raped by Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear as a child, I don’t think there’s any excuse.”
BRICKHOUSEBUNNY21: “I”m only in high school, so give me a fucking break!!! I am what they call the best of the best, so mock all you want, but I have my fans, and they lvoe my stories -“
Brickhousebunny21 is cut off mid-sentence as Rob crams Twix into his mouth, causing him to choke to death.
ANNOUNCER: “When you need a moment, chew it over with Twix.”
And that, for the record, was the only 200+ word entry I even accepted as an Honorable Mention, mainly because it had my name it. So be warned — you break the rules, you might not even get the Honorable Mentions, because sometimes I have time to read your 1000 word essays, and sometimes I don’t. This week I don’t. (Unless it has my name in it, and then my vanity kicks in. Although if it has my name in it and it’s written by Abraxas, my self-preservation kicks in I just have a shot of whiskey instead of reading it). Now for the winners!
(Close-up of Darth Vader’s face.)
“Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!”
Darth Vader: “No. I am your father.”
Luke Skywalker: “No… that’s not true! That’s impossible!”
Darth Vader: “Search your feelings. You know it to be true and besides, why else would I bring you here?”
(Camera pans out to show them in a restaurant)
Narrator: Olive Garden. When you’re here; You’re family!
Luke Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!
There were a lot of great Star Wars entries, but this one made me laugh the hardest — visualizing Luke screaming “NOOOOOOO” over and over at the table while Darth Vader reaches for the breadsticks is just divine. Also, I’m probably biased because the Olive Garden commercials are so fucking banal and they never have anything approaching a joke and yet all the actors have to laugh like there was one and I hate them all, but it’s my site so I can be biased if I want to.
STAR WARS I: Slave Leia is jogging down the road. “I’m a hot princess out joggin in my slave bikini. I’m out making sure this…stays a ten…when you drive by. You’re checkin out my awesome chains, when- oops. That’s when you find out your cut-rate insurance, it ain’t payin for this. So get Allstate and be better protected from mayhem, like me.”
STAR WARS II: Anakin is slaughtering the Sandpeople. “I’m a pissed-off Jedi. Your people just killed my mother and now I’m angry. Anger leads to hate, hate leads to fear, fear leads to the Dark Side.” Cuts off another head. “And your 15-minute insurance may not cover this, so get Allstate and be better protected from mayhem, like me.”
TWILIGHT: Bella drives her pink SUV. “I’m a mopey teenage girl. My BFF Jacob text and says he’s kissed Edward. Well, that’s a problem, cause I like Edward. Now, I’m emotionally compromised and…whoopsies. I’m all, OMG, Jacob’s not even that hot, and if you have cut-rate insurance, you could be paying for this yourself, so get Allstate and be better protected from mayhem like me.”
NERD MAYHEM II
(didn’t see a limit on number of entries…)
STAR TREK: A Borg drone just finishes assimilating a redshirt. “We are the Borg. We are not Swedish. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.” Drone assimilates another crewmember. “Your online insurance will be insufficient to cover you. Select Allstate and protect yourself better from mayhem, like us.”
GI JOE: Cobra Commander leads a Cobra force against the White House. (classic cartoon voice) “I am the maniacal leader of a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. Your silly color-coded threat system means nothing to me! ” He shoots a laser pistol into the air and an airplane comes crashing down. “Mwa ha ha! Your cut-rate insurance won’t cover this, so pick Allstate to better protect your country against mayhem like me. Co-BRA!”
HULK: Hulk is fighting the Abomination and they flatten an entire city. “Me Hulk.” Hulk jumps and lands on a house in the suburbs. “Hulk SMASH! You not like. Bad insurance not pay. Get Allstate for me mayhem.”
I did forget to limit the entries this contest, so TemporalSword was fine in entering twice. The fact that he managed to squeeze six commercials in two entries was impressive efficient, although the real reason he wins is between he’s done a perfect nerd version of those Allstate commercials starring Dean Winters as “mayhem.” Well done, all — thanks for entering.