First things first — let me announce I’m not going to the Transformers 3 film set here in DC. At all. The problem isn’t that I’m a huge pussy (obviously, I am a huge pussy, but that isn’t factoring in here), it’s that Michael Bay’s set is one of the most dangerous places on Earth. You might have heard that one extra was already rendered permanently brain damaged in an accident while Bay filmed in Chicago, and this just happened yesterday:
A Bumblebee Camero was totaled after a bomb scare was called in and cops rushed to the scene (shockingly, I was not responsible this; thanks to FilmDrunk for the tip). Frankly, I can’t be sure that Bay didn’t anticipate me coming, and has set this elaborate series of accidents and maimings to cover his tracks so I could be “accidentally” crushed by Devastator’s wrecking balls later this week. So that’s that.
But that doesn’t mean you all didn’t have some great ideas about what I should’ve done if I’d had the balls, and some terrible but incredibly clever ideas of things I could do if I didn’t care about getting arrested. These ideas are all on the next page.
The Dark of the Mentions!
Get an original series figure, put a noose around it’s neck and hang it from somewhere on the set. In it’s hands should be a suicide letter blaming Michael bay.
Lo Pan said:
UH, check to see if Disneyland is in Optimus Prime’s ass. Duh.
Show up in a bikini and offer to wash his car.
If that doesn’t work, offer to wash Peter Cullen’s car.
Greg Easton said:
Hold up a big sign that says “Save an Autobot. Kill Michael Bay.”
Jaymus Yawsley said:
I think you should just give everyone on set a hug. They probably need it after all they’ve been through, and will serve as comfort during the following months.
Legitimately audition for a role and make sure you get it (by any means necessary) and join the cast. Hang around a bit, get to know everybody, maybe become ‘Fun Bricken’ or something. Promote the film as an awesome and amazing, spellbinding feature. Try and get as many people as possible to go to the premiere; make sure it is the greatest party in the history of the world, preceded by what you advertise as the greatest movie.
Meanwhile, us nerds will secretly spend the next year living in underground bunkers with our loved ones and some hot women, while you feed us information through the rigged honorary Optimus Prime helmet that I’m assuming all cast members get (the plan relies on it!). And just as the entire world gathers to watch the worst piece of cinema ever filmed, you suicide bomb the area, killing everybody in it, while your fellow snarky blog runners wordlwide do the same in every other theatre showing the film (this will happen simultaneously). When all is said and done, the nerds and hot women will rise from beneath to repopulate the Earth! Be a hero, Bricken. Let the time of the nerds be upon us all. We’re all counting on you, Robert. May the force be with you always. *salutes*
ksa otaku said:
Step 1- Get a stick, string, a realy big box a copy of maxum, a can of axe body spray and every season boxet of entourage you can find.
Step 2- Use the above items to construct a douchebag trap.
Step 3- Make a sign that says “This shit is free for any broheim that wants it, yo.” ,with an arrow pointing to the above douchebag trap.
Step 4-Pull the string.
Step 5- Charge 10 bucks for people to throw shit at him.
D. Highmore said:
Weep quietly at the rape of a beloved childhood icon as Michael Bay sits nearby counting his money, before being escorted from the set.
A challenge from me, Zortt1, to you, Rob Bricken: Be An Extra.
After the last one, I vowed to never watch another (included repeated viewings of the previous two) Transformer movie. The only way I would see this new one is if I died and in hell this was the only movie playing. Therefore, this movie would be a highly unpleasant experience for me.
If you could say that you were an extra in a crowd, were highly visible, and without a shadow of a doubt that you were A) In the actual movie and B) That you could be clearly identified:
I will pay money to see the film, watch the scene that you are in, and finish the film. Most people would bail after your scene, but I swear to you I would finish the film. I would even take a picture of myself both entering the theatre and leaving the theater with an actual ticket and wearing my TR t-shirt.
So Rob, be an extra and force me to see this movie.
Bill Binder said:
I know many of the posts here are negative, but I’ll take the high road.
I think you should offer to bake him a nice cake that says “Let’s be friends” to patch up our differences.
Only instead of an actual cake, it should be a Lamborghini Diablo dipped in bronze and then the headlights will be replaced with fried chickens and it will be turned upside down and 17 lava lamps and a Ouiji board will be attached with rivets and it will be covered in stickers and Ziggy comics and on top of the car will be Abe Vigoda and Rush Limbaugh singing “Imagine” by John Lennon. Abe will have a harmonica and Rush will have a tuba and the glove compartment will be filled with NFL trading cards, but only of 1981 Green Bay Packer Lynn Dickey and it will have a bumper sticker that says “Don’t blame me I voted for Forrest Gump” and a copy of Little Women will be attached with masking tape to the front.
And when Michael Bay says “I thought you were going to bake me a cake.” just tell him you took a little creative license to update the concept.
Start a pick-up game of Slutball.
Whatever you do, even if it’s just standing there and looking like a dork, it will be better than the crap that will be shown on screens next summer.
Of course, that crap will earn $400 million while you will still look like a dork
? Offer to save The Beef from having to perform in yet another Transformers movie. Then throw him an anaconda and offer to pull him to safety.
? Tell John Turturro he’s your favorite Gobot.
? Picket with a sign that reads, “No Blood for Energon!”
? Just go up to Michael Bay and very politely ask for the twelve dollars you spent on Transformers 2 back. If he points out that you’ve spent significantly more than twelve dollars getting to him, ask him if he can use that basic amount of logic when writing the script to Transformers 3.
? Comedy Option: Bring a G1 Megatron figure to the set (in robot mode). Then when you get past security, transform it to Gun Mode and leave it on Michael Bay’s director’s chair with a note that says “Do us all a favor”
Get Alan Tudyk’s autograph.
You should keep it simple Rob:
“Your movies are bad and you should feel bad!”
2. Shake your fists at the sky
You should bring a whole crate full of Truck Nuts and slap them on every vehicle you can find to honor Devastator.
I suggest you show up on set and take you own advice. http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/08/on_nerd_etiquette_nerd_douchebaggery_and_rob_liefe.php [Touch?. — Rob]
1. Hire a plane to pull a trailing sign behind it all day flying in a circle above the set. The sign reads,
“Whose Responsible This?”
2. Dress up in a robot suit, go down to the set, have a sign that says,
“Transformer Fluffer – $5.00”
3. Throw water balloons at Bay while repeatedly yelling,
“I baptize you in the tears of Transformer fans!”
1. If you see Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson,tell them “I’m really excited that I got a chance to meet Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans! Hey, where’s Snake Eyes?” Act earnest and confused when they correct you. Do this repeatedly throughout the filming.
2. Ask Peter Cullen if he’ll let you record him reading any of the entries from the “Things Peter Cullen Shouldn’t Say” contest, and/or a dramatic reading of the Transformers FFF of his choice.
Walk around with your balls hanging out of a g-string, with a sign that reads ‘THE IMAX EXPERIENCE. I think its worth adding that your balls should be painted in chrome
1) Avoid DC jail at all costs. Bad, bad, times.
2) Shake his hand.
3) Thank him for tarnishing a cherished franchise.
4) Seriously, avoid DC jail.
I like the idea of getting an interview from him. Just sit down, tell him it’s for a the blog and you’d just like to ask him some questions. As you sit down shuffle through your notes, take out a pen, ask if he’s ready and simply state “You’re a douche.” Then stare at the paper with pen in hand ready, waiting for a reply.
The Douger said:
Building off the idea of picketing outside…
Cardboard sign option 1:
ITS PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR A GROWN MAN TO BE PERSONALLY OFFENDED BY MOVIES BASED ON CARTOONS!
Put pasties on your nipple. Write ‘HAVE MY BAY-BEE’ in red lipstick on your stomach. Get in view of Bay on set, take off your shirt. Start gyrating. If you get him to look right at you, blow him a kiss and do the universally recognized ‘hot ass’ sign.
He may have raped your child hood, but you sir will have raped his eyes.
Try and locate Shia LaBeouf’s trailer.
Hide behind a bush or something till he pops out and the second he leaves his trailer take two chop sticks and shove them up his nose.
I watched the first Bayformers and all I could think about was how big his nostrils were… You could probably use them to smuggle stuff abroad.
Leave a large pile of crumpled foil in the middle of the road. Bay will think it’s a transformer and shout at it to do stuff.
And now for the winners. I decided to pick one I could actually conceivably do, and one that I wish I could do. First, the conceivable one:
Write the words “my childhood” on the ground somewhere on the set, and then make a chalk outline of a body around it.
Exceedingly clever, incredibly apt, and I’d be in no danger of getting arrested and little danger of physical harm. Obviously, not everyone would get the message, but the right people would get it. Of course, it’s incredibly unlikely that Bay would see it, understand it, or have a toady say anything about it, which is why I liked this entry:
Mr. Poopoopachu said:
Knock Bay to the ground, drop your pants and straddle his face, and scream “YOU are directly below the enemy’s scrotum!”
It might not be subtle, but holy shit does it say everything I — and we, I imagine — would love to say to Michael Bay for Transformers and Revenge of the Fallen. Because sometimes, a hairy, sweaty nutsack in the eye in worth a thousand words.
Of course, I fully expect Michael Bay to read this and incorporate an Autobot teabagging John Turturro, so oh well. At least I have my imagination. And Bay has his millions and millions of dollars. Actually, now I’m totally depressed. Damn you, Bay!!!
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.