The 10 Sexiest McFarlane Toys Action Figures
?For a long, long time, McFarlane Toys was synonymous with three things: realistic movie toys, grotesque monsters and sexy women. They’ve since shifted their focus to evergreen brands like Halo and major-league sports, but they left behind a legacy of great, if largely unposeable and fairly fragile toys, and with each wave they put out, the sexy lady was always the first to go. Granted, they were sometimes produced in lower numbers, but they were also the most desirable to adult toy collectors, both male and female alike. Here are the 10 sexiest, assuming that all scenes of bondage are entirely consensual, and that open sores, wounds and bestiality are a major turn-off.
10) Valkerie from Spawn Series 22: Dark Ages Spawn: The Viking Age
?Zeus and Viking Spawn were cool and all, but this escort to fallen warriors shone on the pegs like a feathery angel. With her supermodel looks, her winning smile and legs that go on for inches, she’s one of the more wholesome-looking of McFarlane’s creations… which is why she didn’t rank higher on the list. A little blood spatter would have done wonders.
9) Sun from Lost Series 2
?The end of the Lost toyline after two waves was bittersweet. On the one hand, we only got eight figures and a diorama. On the other hand, most of the rigid poses were terrible. Kate should have had a great, sexy figure, but she ended up just being trapped in some bamboo. Ditto Useless, uh, I mean Shannon, who was wearing a bikini, but was just lying on a towel. Kinda dull. Then Wave 2 gave us Sun, who didn’t get too many chances to be sexy on the show, but McFarlane smartly picked her first big “wow” moment, when she dropped the towel and reminded her husband what she was working with. It almost made up for the fact that Jin’s figure was of him tied up and crying like a bitch.
8) Voodoo Priestess from McFarlane’s Monsters Series 1
?For the obligatory female in his line of re-invented movie monsters (Frankenstein, the Mummy, the Wolfman, etc.), McFarlane could have gone with the Bride of Frankenstein, or a lady vampire or something, but he went out of the box and gave us this mostly naked witch doctor, complete with a big old mask. We pretty much threw the mask away, because it was so big it covered up the toy’s, uh, appeal.
7) Felicity Shagwell from Austin Powers Series 1
?We’ll be honest — we don’t even really like the second Austin Powers movie that much, especially Heather Graham’s vapid performance. But the woman is beautiful, and this figure is even more scarily accurate than Elizabeth Hurley’s Joker-smile Vanessa Kensington.
6) Red Riding Hood from McFarlane’s Monster’s Series 4: Twisted Fairy Tales
?Hooded. Bikini-clad. Able to lift a giant wolf with one hand and gut it with the other. If this figure had been the inspiration for that Syfy original movie starring Felicia Day, we bet the ratings would have been through the roof.
5) Sydney Savage from Danger Girl
?All three figures based on the girls from J. Scott Campbell’s Danger Girl comic book are pretty sexy, but Sidney has the black leather catsuit, which hugs her physics-defying curves in all the right places (thank you, Mr. Campbell, for showing anatomy it can do better). Plus, she carries a whip, making her an appropriate blend of Emma Peel and Indiana Jones, combining our forbidden loves for both characters into one perfect package.
4) Betheny Bled from Clive Barker’s Infernal Parade
?We don’t know if we like the idea of a perfectly good goth chick being put in an iron maiden, but for now she’s the pale girl in her underwear we’ve always dreamed of/subscribed to online. Serously, this is as close as we’ll ever get to Suicide Girls action figures.
3) Warrior Isis from Spawn Series 33: Age of Pharaohs
?Prowling the Egyptian desert with her massive sword, this catlike warrior is even more scantily clad than the DC Comics superheroine Isis, which means she’s aces in our book.
2) Dorothy from McFarlane’s Monsters Series 2: Twisted Land of Oz
?While this figure of Dorothy with her arms bound, being branded by a Munchkin riding another Munchkin, makes us uncomfortable, we’re going to pretend that she’s a willing participant and that their safeword is “Lollipop Guild,” because the sexiness of this figure, from her belted bosom to her stripper platforms, is undeniable. Hell, McFarlane had to tie a black tutu onto it just to sell it in stores.
1) Mrs. Claus from McFarlane’s Twisted Christmas
?After grotesquing up monsters, fairy tales and The Wizard of Oz, McFarlane tackled the popular holiday in one of the company’s last lines of fantasy toys. Of course, by that point, the company had made so many sexy figures that they didn’t even try with Mrs Claus here — they just went ahead and made her a stripper, swinging around on a candy cane. It’s an insult that they couldn’t come up with a better gimmick, but also kind of a moment of truth, a way of telling the customer, “Hey… I get it, man.” It’s like a reward to them for sticking by them all these years. “Here you go, kids! Stripper!”
Honorable Mention: “Party” Angela
?The back-in-the-day joint of this list, the first lady figure put out by McFarlane was notorious for being released without any underwear. She’s since been updated and surpassed a dozen times over, but we couldn’t start this list without paying tribute to the original sexpot.
I know everyone probably has their favorites, and I may have even overlooked one or two classics, so throw down your votes below.