The Mis-Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: And the Winners Are…

?Good lord. Between the awesome prize — sets of Doctor Who season 5 and Steven Moffat’s marvelous modern Sherlock reimagining, courtesy of BBC America — and the awesome contest subject, courtesy of me — I’m not shocked that we had more than 1,000 entries, most of them simply marvelous. Since there are over 50 (!!!) Honorable Mentions, I’d just like to post one dear to my heart, and then get right to it:

DoctorSmashy said:

Sherlock Holmes in ‘The Mystery of Tron’s Popularity’.
You heard me.

Popette replied to DoctorSmashy:
Sherlock Holmes in “The Day Rob Bricken Smashed DoctorSmashy With A Brick”.
You heard me.

DoctorSmashy’s body has not been recovered as of press time. Mentions n’ winners after the jump, and again, infinite thanks to BBC America for sponsoring this weekend’s contest!

First, the Honourable Mentions:

JesseDeath said:

Sherlock Holmes and the mystery of WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?!?!
*stares into camera and drops microphone. walks off stage.*

Log-Man said:

A Scandal in Bulimia

McRo said:

Sherlock Holmes Inc.: All Your Case Are Belong to Us

TomeMinder said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Ether Soaked Handkerchief
Sherlock Holmes and the Mysteriously Sore and Bleeding Anus
Sherlock Holmes and the Suspiciously Peppy Watson

antacost said:

Sherlock Holmes meets the Harlem Globetrotters

Nohbody said:

The adventure of the third stain.
The man with the twisted penis.

thelordofhell said:

Sherlock Holmes in Da Hood
Sherlock Holmes And The Case Of No Shit

Brian said:

The Furry of the Baskervilles.

digitaldynamite said:

Sherlock Holmes Goes to Camp.

EADizzle said:

The Holmes-Who crossover, two-night event:
“Sherlock Holmes in the Triumph of Intellect and Romance over Cynicism and Brute Force.”
(tip o’ the pen to @CraigyFerg)

Star Magnus said:

Sherlock Holmes 2: Sherlock Harder

whats with wimby said:

The Adventure of the Carbon Footprint
The Red-Headed League 2: Fire Crotch Island

LealahLupin3 said:

“A Study in Watson”

Mike said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Completely Random Occurrences that Appear to be Clues When You Are Stuffed to the Gills on Opium

WompuM said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Westboro Baptist Irregulars in the Case of the Burning Cross.

Sarcastic Samurai said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Consenting Minor

kegs said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Secret of the Ooze!

Nate Osterman said:
I’d like to submit my entries as a dialogue.

“Watson: I’ve just finished writing the account of our latest mystery.
Holmes: Really Watson? What did you decided to call it?
Watson: The Case of the Inconsiderate Detective Who Keeps Using All of the Hot Water Before His Flatmate, Who I Remind You He’s a Veteran and Deserves a Hot Shower, Gets Up in the Morning
Holmes: Seems like a bit of a non sequitur. Maybe you should title it A Study in Passive Aggressive Conniving.
Mrs. Hudson: (Yelling from offstage) Maybe you would call it The Case of Two Closeted Poofters Who Keep Arguing When Their Landlady is Trying to Sleep.”

mbach said:

“The Five Orange Pimps”

pumpkinguts said:

Sherlock Holmes & The Case of Missing Scotch starring Rob Bricken
Sherlock Holmes & The Case of the ass-kissing contestant mentioning the website’s creator to win a Blu-ray.

Barry Convex said:

“Holmes Alone 2: Lost in Scotland Yards”

Brent said:

The Case of the Gentleman who Does Not Remember Eating Corn, Yet There It Is

Raiders Of The Lost Snark said:

Sherlock Holmes takes on Fu Manchu in “The Case Of The Six Million Dollar Mandarin”

vagon said:

Sherlock Holmes and the case of beer

Vondre said:

The Case of the Stubborn Bitch
Sherlock and Watson are called to deal with a female dog that has taken up residence in a London man’s bedroom and refuses to leave. However, Sherlock’s investigation uncovers a plot involving much more than just some bitch.
The Second Hole
A distraught man contacts Holmes with a singular issue: every time he digs a hole on his property, a second hole appears nearby the next day! Holmes and Watson rigorously probe each and every hole in the hopes of coming upon a solution.

The Mystery of the Limp Cocks
At farms all over rural England, roosters begin to fall unconscious. After a thorough investigation of as many cocks as he can collect, Sherlock is led to his old enemy, Moriarty. With the problem of the limp cocks solved, Holmes and Moriarty engage in a passionate, intense swordfight.

Black Tommy said:

A Study in Scarlett Johansson
The Adventure of the Lap Dancing Men
The Mystery of the Unfortunate Racial Slur

Wild Man of Borneo said:

Sherlock Holmes vs. Capcom

Can you solve the mystery of where the rest of the Honorable Mentions and Winners are located? I bet you can!

—-

silver1881 said:

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sherlock Holmes!

AgentCoop said:

Sherlock Holmes And The Case Of The Most Obvious Suspect Who Does In Fact Turn Out To Be Guilty

Lousy Smarch Weather said:

Sherlock Holmes And That Time He Did That Wicked Rad Wheelie On His Huffy Five-Speed, And Man You Should’ve Seen It, Ask Watson!

Dillon J said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Watson Hiding My Goddamn Cocaine Again
Sherlock Holmes and the Cocaine-Fueled Midnight Watson-Strangler
Sherlock Holmes and the Search for a New Watson

The Man With Two Brains said:

Holmes in the Case of Emergency, Dial 911

Strangeman said:

Sherlock Does Dallas
Sherlock Holmes: Private Inbreastigator.

forester said:

“The gentleman that Smelt It.”

Odowan said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Lost 2×3 Red Lego Piece

Mad Hoona said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Russian Hors d’oeuvres:
“Who was it, Holmes? Who was killed and made into snacks?”
“Elementary, my dear Watson. It was Putin on the Ritz.”

Atchles said:

Sherlock Holmes: Pet Detective

Jareth said:

Sherlock Holmes and the case of the creepy disappearing/reappearing Watson

Lady Pants said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Monthly Mystery of the Addled Adler

KingOfDoma said:

The Case of the Purloined Pimpstick (“Hold your tongue, miss… I do not wish to smack a bitch, but I shall if it solves this case!”)

CheloceanJewel said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery

MattK said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Sixth Sen…HOLMES – “Bruce Willis is a Ghost.”
WATSON – “Blimey Holmes, the bloody titles aren’t even done, how’d you figure it out?”
HOLMES – Elementary, my dear Watson, the writer/director relies on simple and easily forseeable twists to mask the idea that he is a hack, although Unbreakable is a rare exception, despite the hamfisted twist.”
WATSON – “(under breath) Didn’t have to ruin it for the rest of us, ya wanker.”

Kash said:

Sherlock Holmes and the case of the misshapen McNugget.

Brendan D. said:

Sherlock Holmes Against the Moon Men (DEEP HURTING)

Neptuny said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Mondays
Sherlock Holmes Saves Christmas

squiddy said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of oh nevermind I just googled it.

Nathan Hartman said:

A Sign of 4chan.

SlackerMonkey said:

Sherlock Holmes vs Jack the Stripper

Joey said:

Sherlock Holmes: Journey to the Center of Alan Moore’s Beard

Tinybob said:

Sherlock Holmes and the case of how i met your mother
The adventure of Morningwood Manor.

Vexed by Raptors said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Strange Case of Mrs. Hudson’s Rather Large Hands.

Bethany Baker said:

the secret of the vegetable peeler
the lost ikea instruction manual
the death of wiffle ball enthusiast, Baron Von Jackson

Turbo said:

Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of dickfor.

And now, the winners. With so many amazing entries above, it should be obvious how difficult picking the winners was for me — in the end, I just had to go with what made me laugh the hardest and/or I thought was the most clever. So without further ado, the two DVD winners:

Steve C. said:

“Sherlock Holmes and the Red-Headed Pipefitter’s Union,” in which the famed detective tries to unravel the origins of an unlabeled videotape containing a film with an all-male cast.
—–
“Sherlock Holmes and the Inquisitive Clown-Faced Men,” in which the famed detective is hired by the Insane Clown Posse to research fucking magnets and report back when he finds out how they work.
—–
“Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Salival Erosion,” in which the famed detective consumes a Tootsie Pop and has Holmes count the licks.

SteveC would have probably won purely with “Sherlock Holmes and the Inquisitive Clown-Faced Men” — less for the “Fucking magnets, who do they work reference, and more for the amazingly Arthur Conan Doyle-esque title — but the other two cemented it.

Boredlizzie said:

1. The Muskrat Ritual
2. His Penultimate Bowtie
3. The Adventure of The Moistened Hand

And speaking of Arthur Conan Doyle-esque titles, of all the “realistic entries,” BoredLizzie’s delighted me the most because they’re so, so close to sounded legit. “The Muskrat Ritual” makes me laugh every time, and “His Penultimate Bowtie” makes me fall off my chair. I don’t know that I’ve even been able to read her third entry. I bet it’s pretty good, though. Now for the Blu-rays:

Geoff said:

“Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of Whether Benedict Cumberbatch is a Real Name or One of Those Jokes British People Play on the Rest of the World From Time to Time.”

Sherlock creator Steven Moffat said this regarding Cumberbatch: “The only man to play Sherlock Holmes with an even stupider name.” Frankly, Geoff’s theory would explain a great deal.

LJSLarsson said:

Sherlock Holmes: The novelization.

There is only one thing this could mean, which would be a novelization of the Guy Ritchie movie starring Robert Downey Jr. I had never even considered that a novelization of the movie might exist before this entry, which, when I read it, made me race to Amazon to see if such a travesty existed so I could go on a murder spree of all responsible. It doesn’t, thank god, but without a doubt, LJSLarsson has imagined what would truly be the lamest Sherlock Holmes adventure story of all time.

Massive congratulations to the winners, slightly less congratulations to everyone who entered, and again, infinite thanks to BBC America for sponsoring the contest and giving away such great prizes.