?Good lord. Between the awesome prize — sets of Doctor Who season 5 and Steven Moffat’s marvelous modern Sherlock reimagining, courtesy of BBC America — and the awesome contest subject, courtesy of me — I’m not shocked that we had more than 1,000 entries, most of them simply marvelous. Since there are over 50 (!!!) Honorable Mentions, I’d just like to post one dear to my heart, and then get right to it:
Sherlock Holmes in ‘The Mystery of Tron’s Popularity’.
You heard me.
Popette replied to DoctorSmashy:
Sherlock Holmes in “The Day Rob Bricken Smashed DoctorSmashy With A Brick”.
You heard me.
DoctorSmashy’s body has not been recovered as of press time. Mentions n’ winners after the jump, and again, infinite thanks to BBC America for sponsoring this weekend’s contest!
First, the Honourable Mentions:
Sherlock Holmes and the mystery of WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?!?!
*stares into camera and drops microphone. walks off stage.*
A Scandal in Bulimia
Sherlock Holmes Inc.: All Your Case Are Belong to Us
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Ether Soaked Handkerchief
Sherlock Holmes and the Mysteriously Sore and Bleeding Anus
Sherlock Holmes and the Suspiciously Peppy Watson
Sherlock Holmes meets the Harlem Globetrotters
The adventure of the third stain.
The man with the twisted penis.
Sherlock Holmes in Da Hood
Sherlock Holmes And The Case Of No Shit
The Furry of the Baskervilles.
Sherlock Holmes Goes to Camp.
The Holmes-Who crossover, two-night event:
“Sherlock Holmes in the Triumph of Intellect and Romance over Cynicism and Brute Force.”
(tip o’ the pen to @CraigyFerg)
Star Magnus said:
Sherlock Holmes 2: Sherlock Harder
whats with wimby said:
The Adventure of the Carbon Footprint
The Red-Headed League 2: Fire Crotch Island
“A Study in Watson”
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Completely Random Occurrences that Appear to be Clues When You Are Stuffed to the Gills on Opium
Sherlock Holmes and the Westboro Baptist Irregulars in the Case of the Burning Cross.
Sarcastic Samurai said:
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Consenting Minor
Sherlock Holmes and the Secret of the Ooze!
Nate Osterman said:
I’d like to submit my entries as a dialogue.
“Watson: I’ve just finished writing the account of our latest mystery.
Holmes: Really Watson? What did you decided to call it?
Watson: The Case of the Inconsiderate Detective Who Keeps Using All of the Hot Water Before His Flatmate, Who I Remind You He’s a Veteran and Deserves a Hot Shower, Gets Up in the Morning
Holmes: Seems like a bit of a non sequitur. Maybe you should title it A Study in Passive Aggressive Conniving.
Mrs. Hudson: (Yelling from offstage) Maybe you would call it The Case of Two Closeted Poofters Who Keep Arguing When Their Landlady is Trying to Sleep.”
“The Five Orange Pimps”
Sherlock Holmes & The Case of Missing Scotch starring Rob Bricken
Sherlock Holmes & The Case of the ass-kissing contestant mentioning the website’s creator to win a Blu-ray.
Barry Convex said:
“Holmes Alone 2: Lost in Scotland Yards”
The Case of the Gentleman who Does Not Remember Eating Corn, Yet There It Is
Raiders Of The Lost Snark said:
Sherlock Holmes takes on Fu Manchu in “The Case Of The Six Million Dollar Mandarin”
Sherlock Holmes and the case of beer
The Case of the Stubborn Bitch
Sherlock and Watson are called to deal with a female dog that has taken up residence in a London man’s bedroom and refuses to leave. However, Sherlock’s investigation uncovers a plot involving much more than just some bitch.
The Second Hole
A distraught man contacts Holmes with a singular issue: every time he digs a hole on his property, a second hole appears nearby the next day! Holmes and Watson rigorously probe each and every hole in the hopes of coming upon a solution.
The Mystery of the Limp Cocks
At farms all over rural England, roosters begin to fall unconscious. After a thorough investigation of as many cocks as he can collect, Sherlock is led to his old enemy, Moriarty. With the problem of the limp cocks solved, Holmes and Moriarty engage in a passionate, intense swordfight.
Black Tommy said:
A Study in Scarlett Johansson
The Adventure of the Lap Dancing Men
The Mystery of the Unfortunate Racial Slur
Wild Man of Borneo said:
Sherlock Holmes vs. Capcom
Can you solve the mystery of where the rest of the Honorable Mentions and Winners are located? I bet you can!
It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sherlock Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes And The Case Of The Most Obvious Suspect Who Does In Fact Turn Out To Be Guilty
Lousy Smarch Weather said:
Sherlock Holmes And That Time He Did That Wicked Rad Wheelie On His Huffy Five-Speed, And Man You Should’ve Seen It, Ask Watson!
Dillon J said:
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Watson Hiding My Goddamn Cocaine Again
Sherlock Holmes and the Cocaine-Fueled Midnight Watson-Strangler
Sherlock Holmes and the Search for a New Watson
The Man With Two Brains said:
Holmes in the Case of Emergency, Dial 911
Sherlock Does Dallas
Sherlock Holmes: Private Inbreastigator.
“The gentleman that Smelt It.”
Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Lost 2×3 Red Lego Piece
Mad Hoona said:
Sherlock Holmes and the Russian Hors d’oeuvres:
“Who was it, Holmes? Who was killed and made into snacks?”
“Elementary, my dear Watson. It was Putin on the Ritz.”
Sherlock Holmes: Pet Detective
Sherlock Holmes and the case of the creepy disappearing/reappearing Watson
Lady Pants said:
Sherlock Holmes and the Monthly Mystery of the Addled Adler
The Case of the Purloined Pimpstick (“Hold your tongue, miss… I do not wish to smack a bitch, but I shall if it solves this case!”)
Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery
Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Sixth Sen…HOLMES – “Bruce Willis is a Ghost.”
WATSON – “Blimey Holmes, the bloody titles aren’t even done, how’d you figure it out?”
HOLMES – Elementary, my dear Watson, the writer/director relies on simple and easily forseeable twists to mask the idea that he is a hack, although Unbreakable is a rare exception, despite the hamfisted twist.”
WATSON – “(under breath) Didn’t have to ruin it for the rest of us, ya wanker.”
Sherlock Holmes and the case of the misshapen McNugget.
Brendan D. said:
Sherlock Holmes Against the Moon Men (DEEP HURTING)
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Mondays
Sherlock Holmes Saves Christmas
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of oh nevermind I just googled it.
Nathan Hartman said:
A Sign of 4chan.
Sherlock Holmes vs Jack the Stripper
Sherlock Holmes: Journey to the Center of Alan Moore’s Beard
Sherlock Holmes and the case of how i met your mother
The adventure of Morningwood Manor.
Vexed by Raptors said:
Sherlock Holmes and the Strange Case of Mrs. Hudson’s Rather Large Hands.
Bethany Baker said:
the secret of the vegetable peeler
the lost ikea instruction manual
the death of wiffle ball enthusiast, Baron Von Jackson
Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of dickfor.
And now, the winners. With so many amazing entries above, it should be obvious how difficult picking the winners was for me — in the end, I just had to go with what made me laugh the hardest and/or I thought was the most clever. So without further ado, the two DVD winners:
Steve C. said:
“Sherlock Holmes and the Red-Headed Pipefitter’s Union,” in which the famed detective tries to unravel the origins of an unlabeled videotape containing a film with an all-male cast.
“Sherlock Holmes and the Inquisitive Clown-Faced Men,” in which the famed detective is hired by the Insane Clown Posse to research fucking magnets and report back when he finds out how they work.
“Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Salival Erosion,” in which the famed detective consumes a Tootsie Pop and has Holmes count the licks.
SteveC would have probably won purely with “Sherlock Holmes and the Inquisitive Clown-Faced Men” — less for the “Fucking magnets, who do they work reference, and more for the amazingly Arthur Conan Doyle-esque title — but the other two cemented it.
1. The Muskrat Ritual
2. His Penultimate Bowtie
3. The Adventure of The Moistened Hand
And speaking of Arthur Conan Doyle-esque titles, of all the “realistic entries,” BoredLizzie’s delighted me the most because they’re so, so close to sounded legit. “The Muskrat Ritual” makes me laugh every time, and “His Penultimate Bowtie” makes me fall off my chair. I don’t know that I’ve even been able to read her third entry. I bet it’s pretty good, though. Now for the Blu-rays:
“Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of Whether Benedict Cumberbatch is a Real Name or One of Those Jokes British People Play on the Rest of the World From Time to Time.”
Sherlock creator Steven Moffat said this regarding Cumberbatch: “The only man to play Sherlock Holmes with an even stupider name.” Frankly, Geoff’s theory would explain a great deal.
Sherlock Holmes: The novelization.
There is only one thing this could mean, which would be a novelization of the Guy Ritchie movie starring Robert Downey Jr. I had never even considered that a novelization of the movie might exist before this entry, which, when I read it, made me race to Amazon to see if such a travesty existed so I could go on a murder spree of all responsible. It doesn’t, thank god, but without a doubt, LJSLarsson has imagined what would truly be the lamest Sherlock Holmes adventure story of all time.
Massive congratulations to the winners, slightly less congratulations to everyone who entered, and again, infinite thanks to BBC America for sponsoring the contest and giving away such great prizes.