?Horror movie villains love to kill people. Actually, that’s a bit of an understatement. These guys enjoy murder as much as Grant Morrison enjoys causing readers to shoot blood out of their ears in confusion. Movie after movie, young, usually extremely sexually active teens practically line up to die in the most awesome and gruesome ways possible, whether by a heart-slicing stab from a machete or by a large object plowing through their innards like a fist through Jell-O. And from the safety of our couches or from sticky-floored movie theaters, we the audience get our own personal thrill from criticizing the seemingly mentally challenged victims of the kill-happy psycho as they fail at every possible decision in their attempt to escape their inevitable fate.
But what if you weren’t watching a movie? What if walking around one day, presumably doing the Leo Strut, you turned the corner and there stood the crazed, hulking form of Leatherface, licking his lips and swinging around his chainsaw. Most of us would probably employ the very sound strategy of running away screaming like a little girl with a warm, yellow trail following closely behind.
Granted, some horror movie icons are easier to defeat or escape from than others. If you happen to run into Chucky, just punt the little bastard. Seriously, he’s a doll. Climb the nearest tall object and laugh as he comically shakes his toddler-sized fists of fury at you. But the baddies on this list represent the worst of the worst, the horror movie icons you’d best hope you personally never run into.
?Sweet Mary Marvel, look at that damn thing. That shit looks like the bastard love child of whatever the hell that creature was from the end of Alien: Resurrection and Madonna. Just gazing at that ugly fuck is probably enough to cause you to poop your pants in sheer terror. An instrument of revenge, Pumpkinhead goes after its mark and kills anything and everything that stands in its way. Funny enough, that actually ends up in your favor — presuming of course you haven’t recently pissed someone off enough to the point of them going through the trouble of digging up a corpse in a pumpkin patch and summoning a demon to hunt your ass down and murder you. If you did, well, shit man. I guess you kind of deserve it.
?A master hunter whose entire existence revolves around killing for sport, the Predator carries around a fuck ton of weapons that all have the ability to wreck your shit up bad. It could slice you in half with some sort of crazy ass space disc. It might gut you with two three-foot long, razor sharp claws. Or, if you’re really lucky, it’ll just plasma burst your chest cavity open. Thankfully, there is a surefire way to not end up as the latest wall mount for alien with the Sarlacc’s Pit for a mouth. Curl into the fetal position and cry like a baby. Seriously, piss yourself if you need to. Try to look like the most pathetic, unworthy prey possible because otherwise, the Predator will kill you and Sub-Zero your head and spine right the fuck out of your body.
8) Michael Myers, Halloween
?The first of the two infamous silent stalkers on this list, Michael Myers should not be confused with comedian Mike Myers, who, actually, you probably also don’t want to run into lest he annoy you to death with one of three impressions that he always uses in every damn movie he makes. Anyway, old Mikey gets his rocks off going around stabbing people for no particular reason. (If you mention “ancient Celtic curse” I swear to god I will punch you in the neck). Generally, he goes after his siblings, so, yay, for you if you’re not related to him in some way. Then again, maybe you’re parents lied to you all these years. You probably should be upset about that, but by that point, you’d be too busy bleeding to death with the expressionless face of William Shatner looking down at you.
7) Pennywise the Dancing Clown, It
?Fucking. Clowns. You’d think with a name like Pennywise the Dancing Clown, he might not be so bad. In reality, they probably call him that because he dances on your mutilated corpse once he’s finished slicing you to pieces. This clown isn’t looking to put a smile on your face. He’s looking to eat it right the fuck off. To this day, people who saw the TV movie miniseries It still can’t approach a McDonald’s much less walk over sewer drains. The good news is that Pennywise usually only goes after children, so if you’re older than 12, you might be in the clear. But, again, I said usually. This is why you really should just punch every clown you see in the face. You know, just to be sure.
6) Jason Voorhees, Friday the 13th
?Probably one of the most well known icons on the list, Jason originally kept his murder and mayhem confined to shores of Camp Crystal Lake. Things apparently changed though because somehow or another, Jason made his way out of Crystal Lake to Manhattan, other space and the future. That’s right, you’re boned no matter where or when the hell you are. Like Michael, Jason tends to stalk his victims. But unlike Michael, there stands a far less likely chance of being able to escape from Jason. Why? Well, one, Jason is pretty damn indiscriminate about who he kills, but more importantly because of the simple reason that Jason manages to turn virtually anything in his near vicinity into a lethal weapon. He’s butchered people with pitchforks, ice picks, a party horn, a deep fryer and even a goddamn sleeping bag. When motherfucker can end you with a SLEEPING BAG, you know you’re in some deep shit.
5) The Xenomorph, Alien
?The best advice I can give you here is RUN, STUPID! Seriously, get the hell out of there as fast as possible. If you’re lucky, it’ll just brutally kill you — either ripping you apart or cracking your skull open with its tongue thing. The alternative? Well, if you’re a girl and this thing catches you, there’s a good chance it might rape you. And if you’re a dude, there’s still a good chance it might rape you. That’s not a colorful metaphor either. Don’t believe me? Check out that scene with Lambert again from the first film. Then, you get the pleasure of experiencing it violating your face and knocking you up through your throat. Again, not a metaphor. Finally, you get to die a little while later when baby bursts out your ribs. And if all that isn’t bad enough, let’s just go ahead and assume it rapes your corpse some more afterward because why the fuck not?
?Now we begin to approach the “you’re fucked no matter what” territory. If the Candyman is standing in front of you, one of two things probably happened: a friend of yours summoned him, in which case you’re just a pawn in the Candyman’s plan for your buddy and he’ll just gut you with his hook hand, OR you personally called him forth by saying his name in the mirror five times. If the latter, why would you do that? Now you have a scary ass dude, albeit with a totally badass voice, coming after you. But he won’t kill you. Not immediately anyway. Instead, he first psychologically messes with you and ruins your life. Who can pop out from the shadows and freak the fuck out of you, kill all your friends and frame you, too? The Candyman. The Candyman can and will. Then he’ll gut you like a bitch.
3) Freddy Krueger, A Nightmare on Elm Street
?The good news is you’re dreaming. Bad news is, um, you’re dreaming. Dreaming about Freddy means that the bastard son of a thousand maniacs already wants your blood on his claws. That or you have some really, really kinky fantasies, in which case, what the crap, dude? Your best bet involves hoping you wake the fuck up and then never, ever sleep again because the moment you pass out, Freddy’s coming for you. The worst part? Killing you isn’t even what gets Freddy off. No. He really pops his claws over playing with his food. This guy loves turning your worst fears against you, messing with your head and shaping your dream world into the most nightmarish deathtrap ever. He also habitually kills nerds like us. He once killed a comic artist by turning him into an actual paper drawing and then cutting him into pieces. He even took out a wheelchair bound D&D player. But hey, unlike Jason and Michael, Freddy chats you up as he chases and eventually murders you. And he’s pretty funny. So, while you’ll certainly die, painfully of course, at least you might die laughing.
2) Death, Final Destination
This one here’s a bit tricky because you never actually see a personification of Death in the Final Destination films. What you probably will see, however, is some sort of complicated and convoluted Rube Goldberg-like string of events that somehow end with your death. A fire escape ladder falls, that hits a garbage bin, that rolls a few feet into a piece of wood, that actually acts like a see-saw and launches a rock into a trash can lid that flips over an springs a metal rod into your hand. Then lightning strikes and kills you… look, I don’t know. Watch the damn films. There are plenty of examples of Death going out of the way to make his job look like a string of extremely random coincidences. Granted, it’s actually pretty easy to get the hell out of the way and avoid your demise. But Death obviously put a lot of work into his plan and it would be a pretty dick move to have him go through all that trouble and you simply skip the end. There’s no point anyway because he’s going to get you eventually. Don’t run from Death, people. You’ll just die tired.
1) Pinhead, Hellraiser
?You opened that damn puzzle box, didn’t you? Well, congratulations. You officially fucked yourself over in the worst goddamn way possible. It’s hard to top Death, but Pinhead and his crew certainly know how to do it because it’s not death that’s the problem here. It’s everything else. Prepare to experience hardcore pain and torture beyond your wildest imagination. Even after they eventually kill you — taking their sweet ass time before getting to that point — you’ll still receive no reprieve because as they themselves say, “We’ll tear your soul apart.” That’s right. Even your soul isn’t safe. Pain is their profession and they have chains with hooks, barbed wire whips and all types of sick devices as their tools of the trade. “Your suffering will be legendary even in Hell,” which is exactly where you’ll be… for all eternity.