?I technically have today off, but because I’m a needy bastard who craves attention, I figured I’d run FFF today anyways. It’s another shorter one, and it’s certainly tame for most of you, but if you all are good and tell me how funny I am in the comments again, I’ll run something insane next week. Maybe — maybe — even a ComicsNix tale. Now, start your engines!
Michael really had to someday thank the people who gave KITT
artificial intelligence, and the ability to learn from the information
his sensors and optical processors picked up. Not that he’d tell them
why; not a chance. He was keeping that information all to himself.
KITT had blacked out his windows to hide him from prying eyes and reclined Michael’s seat a little.
that alright, Michael?” KITT asked in that smooth voice of his. Michael
could listen to that all day, that purring voice sent shivers down his
spine each time he heard it. He spent a good deal of every mission in a
state of arousal because of it; if KITT ever started doing phone-sex
chat-lines, he’d make a fortune.
In case you’ve forgotten, KITT sounds like this:
So if you’ve ever thought that the voice of an emotionless, slighty snooty guy who probably looks like a doughier Higgins from Magnum P.I. sounded sexy, well, you are in for a treat.
It had started when he had been watching a
movie- OK, porn; he admitted it- on KITT’s internal viewscreen whilst
they were on downtime. What he didn’t know was that whilst he was
watching the movie, KITT was watching him, studying him.
This is exactly why I stopped jerking off in my old Buick Skylark — I could feel it judging me. Also, it got terrible mileage.
“Michael, your heart rate has increased substantially and your temperature is elevated. Are you injured?”
Michael laughed. “I’m not hurt.”
“I mean, I haven’t even started trying to autoerotically asphyxiate myself with the seatbelt, yet.”
your reactions indicate otherwise.” KITT paused, the light on his dash
pulsing as he searched his database. “The images on my monitor are
arousing to you?”
“Yes, KITT. When people see something that turns them on, their body reacts.”
How old does a motor vehicle have to be before you have “the talk”? Past the warranty? Or is it a matter of mileage?
KITT let the movie run for a few more minutes before pausing it again. “You enjoy watching that man being penetrated?”
I understand this is part of the story, but if someone kept pausing my porn while I was trying to jerk off, I would be furious.
In some ways it was cute; KITT had the curiosity of a child when he got started.
“Yes, I do.”
next time, KITT’s curiosity was still there. Michael watched the
screen, his hand moving to palm the erection straining against his
jeans. Suddenly, a photograph slid out of a slot on KITT’s dash, showing
Michael, sitting where he was now. His focus was on the screen, a look
of calm bliss on his slightly flushed face.
“KITT, we’re getting into a whole weird area here.”
“I have been researching sex on the internet,” KITT informed him.
Michael sighed, dreading finding out exactly which sites KITT had accessed.
Well, the first entry under the keyword “sex” on Google is Pornhub.com,
so I’m guessing a great deal of “MY HOT SLUT WIFE GETS ANALLY POUNDED.” But that’s just a guess.
am intrigued. I understand that it is normal for people to pleasure
themselves whilst they observe others in these films. You desire to, yet
you do not. Why?”
“Because the Knight Foundation said if I did I would be responsible for cleaning the upholstery.”
“Because it’s not something I’d do in company.”
“Oh.” There was a pause. “I would not mind,” KITT said. “Would you allow me to observe you?”
SEXY HASSLEHOFF JERKS IT WHILE BLACK PONTIAC WATCHES
first instinct was to refuse, but this was KITT. He was just curious,
thanks to the artificial intelligence that had been bestowed upon him,
and if he had to learn, it was better than him surfing porn sites on the
internet, Michael reasoned.
That’s why sex education classes require the teacher to masturbate in front of their students at least once a semester, I believe.
Besides, how many times had he thought about doing just this when KITT talked to him in that sexy voice?
Let me guess… zero? Because KITT is a goddamned car?
Feeling just a little self-conscious, Michael unzipped his jeans and
wriggled them down past his hips as KITT began his film again.
“Forget the movie, KITT. Just talk to me. Tell me some of the things you read about, what you’d like to see me do.”
FYI, the voice of KITT was performed by William Daniels, who looks like this:
I just thought that image would help set the scene.
“Hearing about those things is arousing?”
Michael smiled. “Actually, it’s your voice that does it,” he admitted. “Talk to me KITT.”
had apparently been surfing quite a few different sites as the range of
things he described was mind-boggling.
“I’M GONNA FUCK YO ASS BITCH, I’M GONNA POUND MY DICK SO HARD INTO YOUR BUTT YOU’LL FEEL IT IN YOUR THROAT OH YEAH SAY YOU WANT ME TO CUM ON YOUR TITS, BITCH”
He talked as Michael slouched
lower in the seat, hand around his cock, stroking hard until he came,
Again a photograph was produced by KITT. This one
showed Michael with his head back, eyes closed and lips parted, taken
at the moment of his climax.
“I enjoyed observing,” KITT told him. “Knowing that my voice is pleasing to you. I would like to see more, Michael.”
Michael nodded. Far from being uncomfortable, he was getting seriously turned on from knowing that he was being watched.
God help me, when I read this my first thought was that the author missed a golden opportunity to have KITT say something like, “Michael, you seem to be leaking coolant. Is everything all right?” The fact that a legitimate way to improve an erotic fan fic occurred to me depresses me to no end. FFF, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME
days later, KITT showed him a new addition to his gadgetry. He had
asked for it to be fitted, though the reasons were fabricated. It was
lucky that Michael had been teaching him to lie convincingly. Now,
Michael took the item that KITT had requested he bring out of his bag
and a flexible arm extended from under KITT’s dashboard, taking it from
“Will you allow me to do this, Michael?”
Michael nodded and stripped off his shirt and jeans, tossing them into the passenger seat.
closed his eyes as his head fell back against the headrest, his naked
skin against KITT’s leather seats.
Well, there goes that new car smell.
His feet were up on the dashboard,
spreading him wide, and he bit back a gasp as the thick cock breeched
his ass. It eased into his already-slicked channel slowly, filling him
completely before eventually stilling.
WAIT A SECOND. KITT has a built-in dildo now? Now, that’s sadly pretty standard for FFF, but the author just wrote this a few paragraphs ago: “He had
asked for it to be fitted, though the reasons were fabricated.”
So KITT asked whoever at the Knight Foundation — Dr. Bonnie, I presume — to give him a penis. A penis that he could move about inside himself… but lied about its use? What the fuck did KITT say it was for? “Well, sometimes, bees fly into my cab, and I would really prefer it I could swat them with an enormous penis. Yes, instead of just rolling down my window and letting them out. No, I definitely want a penis, not a swatter of some kind. LOOK, LADY, JUST GIVE ME A GODDAMNED COCK.”
“Do you like that?”
“Let me hear you, Michael.”
“God, yes, KITT. That feels so good.”
eased back just a little before pushing the rubber cock back into
Michael a couple of times at the same slow pace. As Michael tried to
encourage him, moving his body to take more of it in, KITT adjusted the
angle slightly. The next stroke brushed over Michael’s prostate, making
him groan and arch off the seat. KITT’s sensors told him that Michael
liked that and he moved the dildo, held by his new posable arm, to make
sure he did it again.
Either KITT has the world’s most thorough in-car surveillance system, or he has special cock sensors. Honestly, I don’t know which is more disturbing. Probably the latter. “Oh, Bonnie, could you cover the penis with sensors measuring temperature, touch, cellular analysis and such? I’m doing a study… of how bees feel… uh, when they’re being smashed… by dildos.”
“More, KITT. Please,” Michael begged, KITT’s still excruciatingly-slow movements elicited a groan from him.
“Yes, Michael,” KITT purred, adding just a little more honey to his voice.
searched his files for the videos he had downloaded from the internet,
taking mere seconds, until he found a good reference point.
“Michael, I’ve found this very popular sex site called Goatse.cx. I’ll be expanding the dildo to 10 times its current size now. Tell me how much you love it!”
“Tell me what you want, Michael,” he said. “What do you want me to do to you?”
you to fuck me, KITT. Want to still be able to feel you in my ass
tomorrow when I’m sitting in FLAG with the others,” Michael said,
looking directly at KITT’s processor as he spoke and knowing that KITT
would be looking right back. “I want you to take that cock and fill me
up and fuck me good, KITT.”
Fill ‘er up! GET IT?!
cried out as KITT thrust back into him, all the way in with one move. As
KITT continued to do just as he had been asked, fucking him, it was all
Michael could do to remember to breathe.
Meanwhile, KARR’s out runnin’ over babies and shit.
“Fuck, KITT; that feels… Oh God.”
“Touch yourself, Michael,” KITT ordered. “Be my hands.”
Michael moved his fingers to curl around his rigid cock, his other hand cupping his balls.
NOW ON PORNHUB.COM: CAR ANALLY VIOLATES MAN WHILE HE “WORKS THE STICK-SHIFT”
“Would you like to see what I see?”
appeared on KITT’s screen and Michael saw himself, just as he was now.
This was KITT’s point of view and he saw himself spread open and being
thoroughly fucked. Keeping his eyes on the screen, Michael let himself
be carried away. His hand pumped his cock in time to KITT’s thrusts, and
as he felt the heat building at the base of his spine he closed his
eyes, letting his head fall back to the seat.
Bleugh. God help me, if I ever saw a picture of myself jerking off, especially
taint-level, with my legs spread wide in the air, and a dildo up my ass, I’d castrate myself and
become a monk or something. For a variety of reasons, actually.
continued to fuck Michael as he rode out the orgasm before slowly
withdrawing as Michael’s feet slipped to the floor and he sprawled
contentedly in his seat.
“Are you alright, Michael?” KITT asked.
“Well, my ass is stuck to the leather seat, but otherwise I’m pretty good.”
“I’m good, KITT. Damn good.”
Michael reached out and patted KITT’s dashboard fondly. A thought
occurred to him as he glanced at the screen, now frozen on the image of
himself as he came. “Listen KITT, I need you to make sure that you lock
all of your research and image files regarding this so that the others
can’t get into them, OK?”
KITT was silent for a moment. “May I review them whilst I am alone?”
“Of course you can; just make sure that the others don’t see it,” he said. “This is between us, our secret.”
“Our secret,” KITT confirmed. Another pause. “May we pursue this activity again?”
Michael let out an exhausted laugh. “Oh, definitely.”
Here’s a lovely thought — did KITT ask for some kind of way to clean his new cock? Or does he just stick it in the glove compartment, covered in Hasselhoff juices and smells? I’ll leave you to ponder that until you’re able to get your hands on a fifth of your favorite, FFF-erasing liquor. Have a great weekend, folks! Try not to let your car fuck you in the ass!
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.