?I’m breaking my own rules today. See, kids, this fic by ShakespeareHemmingway is absolutely a crack-fic (as if the author’s name didn’t give it away) and yet, much like a ComicsNix tale, I can’t help but run it. Now, it’s not at ComicsNix level — nothing is, really — so please don’t get your hopes for total, mind-shattering insanity too high. However, given that the royal wedding happened today, this tale was just too good to pass up. Thanks to Trianna for the tip. Shall we?
Garfield was relaxing having some scotch and lasagna when Jon Arbuckle came with emergency news.
“Garfield it is terrible I have the bad news.” Jon Arbuckle Said with crying words.
“Stop your sob stories and give me your thoughts.” Garfield said with serious demands.
is terrible Garfield, Kate Middleton and Prince William are getting
married but you are not invited!” Jon Arbuckle said with outrage.
“This is lies!” Roared Garfield with angry voice.
For the record, a lot of people send me obvious crack-fics, and want me to “review” them on FFF. Normally I resist, since I think it’s funnier when the people are trying to write well/be sexy and fail, but we’ll see how this goes. If you have strong feelings about whether I should or shouldn’t run shit like this, let me know in the comments. Meanwhile, hit the jump with hopeful haste.
For what’s it’s worth, ol’ ShakespeareHemmingway has written 18 more fan
fics, almost all of them involving Garfield, so he is straddling the
line between crack-fic writer and obsessed fan fin author. If that
“It is true. Look and see.” Jon Arbuckle showed Garfield a letter that came through mail boxes.
“Dear Garfield, you are not invited to royal wedding. Sincerely Royal England Family.” Said the letter with insults.
Jesus, this is the best idea ever. My next birthday I’m going to send out a shit-ton of non-invitations. “Dear asshole: You are not invited to Rob’s birthday. Eat a dick.”
“INVITE THIS.” Shouted Garfield as he tore up the letter with manly hands.
is last straw. I will not stand for insults to humanity.” Garfield
cried out to the ceiling with fist clenched with justice.
“What will you do Garfield?” Asked Jon Arbuckle with wondering.
will do what any good man does when insulted with words. I will crush
wedding with righteousness.” Garfield roared with determination.
“It will be dangerous. Royal edicts are there with power.” Jon Arbuckle warned with caution.
“The only edict I serve is my fist.” Said Garfield as he walked out with intentions.
The above line sums up pretty neatly why I felt I had to run this story.
Meanwhile in England Buckingham Palace Prince William and Kate Middleton were getting ready for marriage ceremonies.
Middleton soon we will be in marriage and all will be well. You will be
princess of England and all will bow to you.” Said Prince William with
“Yes I am happiness. But I wish Garfield was here. I
am missing Garfields macho charm and rugged good looks.” Kate Middleton
said with distant longing.
“FORGET GARFIELD. He is not coming for
as long as I am Prince of this land. You will be mine and mine alone.”
Said Prince William grasping Kate Middleton tightly.
Anyone else getting a Princess Bride vibe from this?
“But.” Said Kate Middleton with whimper.
“There will be no buts for YOU. No cat no matter how manly will steal my woman!” Shouted Prince William with anger.
“Oh, Garfield…” Cried out Kate Middleton with wanting.
Meanwhile Garfield was getting ready for trip to lovely country of England.
“Time to prepare for my British vacation. My only souvenir will be flaming vengeance.” Garfield said as he packed his things.
I need a picture that’s the opposite of Toht, something that expresses pure joy instead of horror. Any ideas?
“Garfield be careful of stress it is killer with heart disease and cholesterol.” Jon Arbuckle warned with advice.
“I have no time for stress, there is British damsel that needs saving.” Garfield said with stern voice.
“Farewell Jon Arbuckle. Hold down fort when I am gone.” Garfield said as he left for adventure.
“Also, please push Odie off the table for me and kick Nermal.”
“You know it Garfield. Show them what a real man is made of.” Jon Arbuckle said as he grasped Garfields arm for manly handshake.
then boarded his jet and lifted off for take off with thunder like
speed. Garfield soared through the sky over oceans and oceans until he
came to Island of England. Garfield then braked his jet and prepared for
I can’t decide what I like more — Garfield’s jet “braking” or the matter-of-fact way the author says “Garfield boarded his jet” as if it required no explanation whatsoever.
“Time for a British invasion.” Said Garfield as he
leaped out of Jet into country of Great Britain to administer justice
like a Prime Minister of iron.
Garfield opened his parachute with lasagna logo but was in no mood for playtime.
PARACHUTE WITH A LASAGNA LOGO JOY
“Parachutes are for little girls and babies in wheelchairs.” Said Garfield as he cut his parachute off for free fall fun.
BABIES IN WHEELCHAIRS JOY
Meanwhile in Buckingham palace Prince William was dressing up in wedding clothes. All of a sudden he sensed great power.
“No it can not be it must being my imagination playing tricks on me.” Said Prince William with self delusional fear.
Holy shit, Prince William can sense Garfield’s spirit energy like in Dragonball Z.
“Prince William we are almost ready for the wedding.” Said the servants.
“Very well I am almost ready. Now leave before I am lashing your back.” Roared Prince William with anger.
“Yes my master.” Said the servants with cowering.
The Queen of England than entered Prince Williams room with words.
“This is your special day. Yet I am unsure you have proven true manhood.” Said The Queen of England.
“I am true man. All will England will see.” Said Prince William with defiance.
“Why have you not invited Garfield? Do you fear to face real man?” Asked the Queen of England with challenge.
fear no man or cat!” Shouted Prince William as he tossed champagne
glass at mirror shattering all into millions in fits of anger.
am the prince of all English! All will cower before my monarchial might!
Not even Garfield can defeat me!” Declared Prince William with royal
Meanwhile Garfield was walking in streets of London with
purpose. As Garfield walked with strength steps, Englishmen cheered him
and shouted his name with joy.
“GARFIELD. GARFIELD.” Cheered the Englishmen as Garfield walked to Buckingham Palace.
walked with sternness and determination to destination for he was on
mission. Garfield walked and walked until he came to Buckingham Palace
“No gate can take my power!” Garfield bellowed with majesticness as he punched down gate with one punch.
I can’t help but wonder if the author has Garfield confused with Chuck Norris.
marched with purpose in feet as stormed to wedding place of matrimony.
Royal Guards came rushing to arrest him but they were not of match.
“There is Garfield! Arrest him in the name of prince!” Shouted the Guards with princely loyalty.
my English hombres you are being relieved of duty.” Said Garfield
chilly as hit royal guards with fists and feet of speed like typhoon
sending them flying miles high and exploding.
Garfield picked up a guard and raised him high in air like feather.
“Here why not enjoy delicacy of fresh fish and chips. ” Quipped Garfield as he tossed the guard into the sea.
“There is plenty of salt for you in there.” Said Garfield with cleverness as he walked away.
marched on his mission until he came to wedding parties with food and
drink. More Guards came for ambushing but Garfield handled it like man.
“It is tea time have a sip.” Said Garfield as he took tea kettle and tossed it at the guards.
“AHH NO.” Cried out the guards as the tea melted them into skeletons.
Ah, the Celestial Seasons Sleepytime Flesh-Melter Tea.
Garfield came on table of food with wedding guests sitting around on celebration.
“No lasagna? What is the blasphemy!” Garfield roared in anger as he threw table on wedding guests.
“Lasagna is food of warriors and kings. Do not be forgetting this you worms.” Garfield roared as he walked on.
soon came upon wedding ceremony with Prince William and Kate Middleton
at alter being wed. Everyone heard Garfields manly footsteps like
thunder in the sea. Prince William Turned around saw his fears become
“GARFIELD?” Yelled out Prince William in tones of squealing horror.
rude have you not heard royal tradition? It is the rules that I am
first to have woman before marriage.” Garfield stated with cold fact.
Holy shit, Garfield has the right of prima nocta! I wonder if that was codified in the Magna Carta, or sometime later. I also wonder if that means there’s a fan fic of Garfield fucking a young Elizabeth II out there somewhere.
“Garfield you will never have my woman! I am prince I am above all!” Declared Prince William with arrogant laugh.
Garfield looked at Prince William with eyes of seeing and spoke with words of saying.
princes must obey the law of the fist. But do not being worrying for I
will give you fair trial. Here is the JUDGE and here is the JURY.”
Garfield said as he raised his two fists for showing.
Garfield should totally have that tattooed on his fists. If, you know, he had more than four fingers on each paw.
“Enough nonsense! Feel might of royal jewels!” Said Prince William as he snapped his fingers.
Prince Williams commands noise was heard. Mighty Big Ben transformed
into giant laser cannon and aimed at Garfield with blasting intent.
“Tick Tock it is 12 o’clock. Time to die!” Said Prince William with mocking words.
these words Big Ben fired at Garfield with beams of fury. However
Garfield was not laser fazed and backhanded laser beam with ease.
I’m not lying, if Toei would agree to animate this story DBZ-style I would happily chip in.
” IMPOSSIBLE.” Cried out Prince William with shock.
“Do you not learn physics in prince school? Lasers bounce off of my mighty man muscle.” Garfield tutored with teachings.
William must have missed that day or prince school,. Probably that was the same day they taught that Garfield gets to fuck all royal brides on their wedding night.
silence your mockery forever! Die!” Yelled Prince William as he took
out long sword and thrust it at Garfield, but Garfield caught his arm in
midair and crushed bones with crab like grip.
“It looks like your time has just run up.” Quipped Garfield as he tossed Prince William into Big Ben exploding them both.
“NOOOOO.” Cried out Prince William as he crashed into Big Ben for explosion.
“Good night, sweet prince.” Said Garfield with cool words as he walked away.
After victory Kate Middleton ran to Garfield and embraced him with arms.
“Garfield thank you. When I was marrying him I only thought of you.” Thanked Kate Middleton with gratitude.
“No problem my British biscuit. You must save me juicy piece of your shepherd’s pie.” Garfield responded with flirtations.
And by “shepherd’s pie” Garfield actually means “lasagna.”
“Garfield you are true hero and real man. We want to make you honorary king of England.” Queen Elizabeth said with royal orders.
“I am sorry but I am busy living fast life of fast adventures and faster women.” Garfield rejected with sympathies.
“Very well at least accept position of Duke of Ireland.” Said the Queen of England.
but I must first be attending to important business.” Said Garfield as
he picked up Kate Middleton and brought her to royal bedroom where he
could show her how real men love women.
I’m sure the Irish are down with this.
“Garfield please make me your queen.” Said Kate Middleton with warm tone.
“I do not have castle to give you but I have a mighty tower for you to climb.” Garfield Said with seduction.
“Garfield I want you to joust me like valiant knight.” Kate Middleton cried out with desire.
then rode Kate Middleton like mighty knight taming wild stallion. With
mighty force Garfield Jousted Kate Middleton with manly lance into late
hours of night and all heard sound of their romances.
Technically yes, but you can read many more of Garfield’s adventures here. Again, my apologies for the undeniable fact that the author wasn’t masturbating wildly to this story as he wrote it, but hopefully you understand why I felt the need to share it anyways. If you’re pissed, well, all I can tell you is this:
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.