Future Casualties of American Cultural Imperialsm: And the Winners Are…

?First things first: If anyone is pissed the new TR commenting systems is using their real name, like from their Twitter or Facebook or something, just go here and make a Disqus account. That’s what I did. It takes 20 seconds, you can have your old TR commenter names, and an avatar. Problem solved.

Second things second: I think the contest when just fine under the new comment system. Although I wasn’t beholden to your “Likes,” it certainly helped me with judging, so please, keep that shit up. It wasn’t that I was trying to ignore your Liked entries, but there were a lot of outstanding entries, and two I felt it would have been criminal to neglect… I’m sure you’ll understand. Or you won’t. It won’t be the first time someone’s bitched me out on the internet for my subjective manner of giving away free t-shirts to my readers. Oh, by the way, that’s a promo pic from the U.S. Red Dwarf pilot. Disconcerting, to say the least. Shall we?

First, the HMs.

Jordan Henk:

Pan’s Labyrinth done by Tim Burton, this film is a classic and he would find a way to weave Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter into it and ruining it in every way possible

Truly Evil Bob:

Summer 2012: Serial Experiment Lain or S.E.L. as it’s shown in bold metallic letters on the posters.
The Corporations have gone too far and created a new program in the computers that became sentient and can effect the real world. 26 year old L.A. High School Student Lain accidentally found this new being and is now it’s new caretaker leading a revolution against the Corporation. Using the Serial Experiment to create swords and guns from her laptop and cell phone and kung fu she is a one man army against the world. Think Tron meets Sucker Punch only in the REAL WORLD! New comers and fans alike will be struck speechless by the new action blockbuster.

SF Sherlockian:

Why, Hogwarts in central Montana, of course. They all get there in the Hogwarts 747 from Gate 9 1/2 at JFK Airport (because, 3/4, really? Too complex). Cedric Diggory is black, because you’ve got to have an African-American with a significant role, but no way are we going to make the Weasleys black and have Harry marry a black girl. Hermione is sort-of Asian, a la Kristin Kreuk, and she’s great at math.
Also, the Death Eaters are a KKK offshoot, and they murdered JFK.

Mythbri:

I’m trying to think of one that hasn’t *already* been American-ized!
Oh no. I’ve got it.
Let’s say that (God forbid) NBC were somehow able to make a Discworld “Night Watch” TV series. I’ll walk you through the tragedy:
Law & Order: Discworld
“In the Ankh-Morpork justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the Watch, who investigate crimes, and the Guild representatives who dispatch the offenders.”
(Edit: Clang-clang!)
Gone is the witty dialogue between our favorite characters. Colon and Nobby run around doggedly pursuing cases (totally out of character). Vimes is relegated to desk duty – his only role is to occasionally point the members of the Watch in the right direction (he’s practically cut out of the series). Instead of a clever exploration about how people can’t be people without the law, and the law can’t be the law without people, it’s transformed into a “gritty” cop drama.
Carrot and Angua aren’t present in this series, but they do star in the one that airs later in the week: Law & Order: Discworld SVU. They wouldn’t be a couple in this show specifically so that they could experience all of that long-lasting sexual tension seething under the surface of their partnership (seriously, don’t those people ever just get bored with it?!). The Discworld SVU would feature such sex crimes (with all of the various races and species of the Discworld) as would make even the most eager FFF readers nauseated. Expect many, many “ripped from the headlines” plots in lieu of Pratchett’s wonderful storytelling.

Spacegrass:

Hamlet: Reloaded
After his father is murdered by his evil uncle Claudius (Samuel L. Jackson), Hamlet (Channing Tatum) is out for revenge! He teams up with the sexy Ophelia (Megan Fox) and his wisecracking sidekicks Rosencrantz and Gildenstern (Shawn and Marlon Wayans) for the action-packed thrillride of the summer!
Rated PG-13 for mild language

Krakes:

Asterix (Shia LeBeouf) and his wacky, totally useless sidekick, Obelix (Zach Galifinakis) must find the mystic druid Getafix (Liam Neeson) in order to find the secret to the potion that will allow them to overthrow the evil Roman emperor Julius (Dennis Hopper). In the end, they win when they discover that “the magic potion was inside you all along”. Humor comes from gay panic, jokes about Obelix’s weight, and flatulence/drug humor as they try out various potions.

Justice Boles:

Hellsing. Except remove the Nazis. Make Seras Alucard’s love interest and not a vampire. And make Alucard less terrifying, so get rid of the guns and dismemberment, and make him more pouty and brooding. Take away Anderson’s bayonets and make him be Seras’ disapproving priest father. Appeal more to the tween demographic.

LorenC:

“Amelie,” remade as a romcom starring Katherine Heigl and Bradley Cooper. With William Shatner as her father.

Amanda Nicole Sauceda:

Oldboy (which they’ve actually been trying to do with Will Smith, last I heard)
Starring Channing Tatum as Dae-Su, he’s wrongfully imprisoned for the death of his wife for 15 years (yet doesn’t age and somehow gets more ripped. Hollywood!), losing his daughter to foster care in the process. He tracks down the man responsible for framing him, his uh….corporate rival or something, they use that a lot right? He does this with the help of a sassy young streetwise teen played by Hayden Panetierre(or whatever) and he exacts his revenge with lots of explosions and shootouts and boobs. Then while he’s celebratorily bangin’ his teenage sidekick he notices a picture of her and another girl in her wallet. It’s her foster sister—His daughter! DUN-DUN-DUN! Cue family reunion, happy ending, completely bastardization/dumbed-down version of the original.

PaigeWesley:

Shaun of the Dead, re-written by Stephanie Meyer, the zombies sparkle and Liz (Played by Miley Cyrus) must choose between her brooding ex boyfriend Shaun or his devilishly handsome sparkly zombie sidekick Ed. Played by Ryan Gosling and The Situation, respectively.

John Bromley:

Freedom Fighter Dave Lister, imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit (as to not affect his likeability with middle America) has spent more time in Chronal Prison than any other criminal in the galaxy. But when he awakens aboard the derelict prison transport Red Dwarf, it’s going to take all of his skills to keep himself alive, and discover the dark secrets the Evex Corporation.
Millions of miles from Earth, Dave has to band together the ragtag group of survivors to save his own life.
Keanu Reeves as Dave Lister, Unjustly accused Freedom Fighter
Elizabeth Shue as Alice Rimmer The Hologram of the only woman Dave has ever loved [Studio note: Should we change her last name? Isn’t that a sex thing? Danger maybe, but with a french spelling to make it look like a last name? Dangeroux]
Chris Tucker as DJ HAuLi The ship’s sentient Mp3 Player. [Studio Note: Good option for comic relief here. Maybe he plays songs that hilariously juxtapose with the scene! Let’s see how much of ABBA’s catalog we can get the rights to.
Vin Diesel as The Cat A Dangerous Killer with a heart of gold. [Studio Note: Let’s make him as close to that Riddick character as possibly, except he will have cat eye’s, which help him see his prey.]

8BitZombie:

Battle Royale
A class of inner city youths involved in a gang conflict which results in them being sent off to an island to fight to the death, but an out of work high school teacher who was canned for breaking the rules while teaching makes it his goal to help these kids. Before any of the violence starts he explains that rap is just poetry to music and they all accept him with out struggle.
All the kids pass the big test and are invited back home, where gang violence erupts once more but the likeable teacher jumps in front of a bullet to prove a point.
Realizing the true error of their ways via his sacrifice everyone straightens out, goes to college, and eventually joins the army to stop the evil fascist world powers producing the drugs that fueled their gang violence in the first place…

Greg Black:

In a world, where criminals have no restraints….
When good people fear for their lives….
Only one man can protect them….
This summer, get ready….for Ong Bak!
Starring Steven Seagal as Ong-Bak, the Thai Warrior!
And Andy Dick as his streetwise cousin!
In July 2012…they Kick Bak.

I won’t lie; I included this entry totally for the tagline.

SlyDante:

A remake of Hot Fuzz…Handed to Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, the anuses behind Epic Movie & its ilk.
At first, they just start making it into a half-assed rip-off of the Naked Gun series (instead of pure action movies), except now full of jokes about English accents, how English food is terrible, how England is dreary…You get it, the extremely stereotypical view of England.
Next, they ditch the Naked Gun aspects in favor of whatever big-budget movie coming out happens to involve crime, whole the whole movie to a big city instead of a small town, throw in some other blockbusters, then fill out the rest with Austin Powers references,
Then, they just push crime movies to the background altogether in favor of whatever the hell pop culture is obsessed with these days, use the police simply as a framing device, & whole the whole thing to New York or any major US city.
At stage four, they just say “f*** it” & write 400 jokes about Jersey Shore, Charlie Sheen, & farting, then hire a d-list actor to perform it all.

Matt Wells:

Evangelion: The Movie (Neon Genesis was cut by the marketing department for lacking “Synergy”. Directed by Louis Letterier (after Zack Snyder dropped out of the project).
Simon Ikano is your average teenage college student (played by Sam Worthington) who is enlisted by his alcoholic father Gideon (played by Liam Neeson) to fight the onslaught of the ANGEL infection, a bioengineered virus that turns whoever it infects into a blood sucking zombie. The SEELE foundation fights these monsters with hi-tech mechanical bio-armour suits called the EVA-ngelions, short for Extranous Virtual boosted Armour units. The EVAs defend the futuristic city of Neo-New York 3 from ANGEL attacks, as they try to obtain the miracle formula ADAM, which holds the key to restoring the ANGEL ravaged earth.
Simon and his father haven’t spoken in the 10 years since the events of 1st Impact, where Simon’s mother was killed by the first wave of ANGEL’s, and Gideon chose to save Simon instead of his wife. But they must put the past behind them for the sake of humanity’s survival…and in the process, they may learn to love each other and forgive themselves.
It will be Simon’s destiny to be mankind’s greatest champion against the undead hoardes; defending a world that loathes and fears his kind.
But Simon will not be alone in his task! Joining him are the hot, sexy pilots of the EVA’s 1 and 2, the brash, outspoken blonde Alice Langley, and the clumsy, brainiac sexpot Rebecca! As these two babes vie for Simon’s affections, will he be able to concentrate on saving the world, or will personal feelings make the struggle all the more costly?!
Will the love triangle between our pilots explode with the introduction of Simon’s best friend from military academy and superior officer, Cmmr. Martin Karmichael?! Will Gideon and his son reconcile their distrust and hatred to save the human race?! And will Pen Pen the wacky animal sidekick ever stop farting at embarrassing moments?!
Coming next Summer to a theatre near you: Evangelion: The Movie!

JediCreeper:

as much as it pains me to do this… Monty Python and the Holy Grail would become Quest Movie, “hilariously” “skewering” such “classics” as Lord of the Rings (Chris Kattan as a gollum-like character!), A Knight’s Tale (ha ha, the actor in it was also the joker.. and dead!), Your Highness (hey.. this one’s already a comedy, good bye work, hello cut and paste!), The Princess Bride (“hello, my name is indigo monatana, you killed my mother prepare to FART!”)… all with a sad cameo by Eric Idle
murder would be too good for the people involved.. but it would make back it’s budget and they’d make another…

Daniel Dean:

Josh Hartnett is the grandson of the world’s greatest thief, after the one thing his grandfather failed to steal: the actual cross of Jesus, said to hold the power to kill any who look on it. He has to hurry, because a Muslim terrorist plans to use the cross’ power to hack the Super Bowl broadcast and kill everyone watching. He’s out of his element, though, as his journey takes him to Okinawa of all places where he allies himself with a nearly-destroyed Yakuza cell, rivals to a cell working with the terrorist. Among his strange new allies are Jack, the world’s greatest marksman, femme fatale Mai Fuji who is an expert martial artist bisexual, and Eamon, a drunken Scot in a kilt wielding his family’s ancestral claymore. Along for the ride are Buddy, a young child and pickpocket, and Scorpion, the Austrian bodybuilder. Can they prevent disaster and stop the terrorist, EVEN while being pursued by the Homeland Security agent known only as Mr. Z and his army of super soldiers?
It’s just another day for Arthur Wolfe the Third.

Shoe the fifth:

Berserk
Quite arguably the darkest, most horrible manga ever written gets turned into your standard medieval fantasy schlock movie along the lines of the recent Robin Hood, Clash of the Titans, Beowulf and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.
Guts (now Gaston) will be played by Channing Tatum, Halle Berry is Casca (now Christine) and Orlando Bloom plays Griffith. The Plot follows the three as freedom fighters battling against an evil wizard-king who is also a demon and the father of both Guts and Griffith who are now brothers and both in love with Casca. Also, Guts is part demon and constantly has to fight his demonic side lest it overtake his body.
The movie is also rated PG-13 for mild violence and language because come on, it’s a comic book, It’s clearly meant for children.

Harperfinkle:

Based on the Academy Award winning “Spirited Away”, the Disney live action remake:
Dusty Destiny (Miley Cyrus) is travelling with her family. The up-tight and anal retentive father (Crispen Glover) wants to go cross-country from one theme park to the other in a single vacation. During a mid-trip argument with his self-absorbed wife (Courteney Cox), they crash the RV, and all their phones inexplicably quit working.
Forced to walk, they come upon a mysterious deserted strip-mall filled with designer labels, gourmet food, and product placement. The two parents are instantly beguiled, and storm into the outlet stores grabbing merchandise. When their credit card is rejected by the spirt-clerk, they are both turned into pigs.
With the parents trapped by their shameless gluttony, Dusty befriends a dark well-dressed loner spirit (Toby McGuire), who assists her in hiding within the spirit strip-mall. Unknown to her, he is a prince who must hide from the queen (Angelina Jolie), who plans to use Dusty as a conduit to transfer the evil mall denizens into the real world.
Will Dusty also collect a pair of comic-relief side-kicks, challenge her officious boss, use her clever guiles to avoid working on the weekend, rescue her parents (who will then fawn over her precocious maturity), and save the day? Who can tell?!

Vander Baulk:

Kurosawa’s ‘Hidden Fortress’, done as a big-budget space opera. Get the woodenest actors you can find, throw in an hour of gratuitous CG and some embarrassing ‘mascot’ aliens, and you’re good to go!

Benfromcanada:

From the director of the Bourne Trilogy comes a new, epic adventure: DEATH NOTE
Nate Young (Zac Efron) is a brilliant yet bored 17 year old high school student. One day, he discovers an Apple Notebook with a “death note” file.
“The New World Order infected all of us with lethal nanite viruses…and I’ve got the kill codes!”
With his childhood friend, the lovely Mia Amanda (Miley Cyrus) Nate begins taking the law into his own hands…and taking no prisoners! Now, Nate and Mia must outrun Naomi Misora (Lucy Liu) and Touta Matsuda (Ken Watanabe), Chinese agents that are trying to to make the Notebook into a weapon of Mass Destruction.
Will Nate escape their clutches? Will Nate and Mia discover their true feelings for each other? And who is the mysterious L?
This Summer, Take Notes

Also a fantastic tagline. The other HMs and winners are after the jump.

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Diddy Mao:

Cats & Dogs 3
Operation: Danger Mouse
Plot: The various characters of the Cats & Dogs movies are enlisted by their agency’s British counterpart to aid their super secret agent “Danger Mouse” in saving the world from Baron Silas Greenback, who plans to take over the world by…I don’t know…giving people warts or something.
(I’m not going to put more effort into developing my plot than the creators of those movies already did with theirs.)

matthew ellsworth:

Suspiria turned into a generic PG-13 teen horror flick. Instead of the setting being a ballet academy, it’s a trendy college campus were members of a street dancing squad (ala Stop the Yard) are getting picked off one by one with many unnecessary jump scenes in between. Oh and it has a Hip Hop sound track in place of the iconic Goblin score.

SeriousPlay:

Alright, here I go.
Bubblegum Crisis.
Ditch the hardsuits, you can’t see their tits in those. Maybe they have some kind of tight leather suits they wear instead, but no helmets. Cast the Knight Sabers with the exact same girls who were in Sucker Punch, or as close as you can get – real young. Ditch the supporting cast, except for Leon, who is played by Ryan Reynolds. Lose the awesome 80s/90s rock soundtrack, replace it with… the usual action movie shit, ‘let the bodies hit the floor’ that kind of garbage.
The only character who gets any development will be priss, who’s a stripper that dreams of making it big as a real dancer when she isn’t busy saving the world. She’ll learn about the power of love, friendship, healing, and ninja kicking zombies to the face. Zombies? That’s right, because who in america wants to see ‘boomers’? What the fuck is a boomer? Just replace them with zombies. Made by a …nanotechnology virus or something. Something where they can blow up a building and suddenly everyone is going to be okay.
There will be a toy tie-in that looks nothing like the characters from the movie, but it will also NOT be the original hardsuits and boomers – they’ll be leftover designs for some old toy franchise with new faces sculpted and a repaint.

I.P. Freely:

Let’s Americanize Dr. Zhivago:
Dr. Chicago — a wise-cracking doctor from Chicago, who learned how to shoot guns from his mafia cousins, tracks down his high-school sweetheart to Siberia, where she’s being held against her will by Russian gangsters. Nothing will stop Dr. Chicago as he struggles against corrupt Russian officials, mobsters, the vicious Siberian weather, and poorly timed trains as he struggles to bring his Lara home. “Somewhere, my love….. I am coming for you.”
AlgusUnderdunk :
Jeeves and Wooster series, redone for American audience. Chris Rock plays Bertie Wooster, and DL Hughley as Jeeves. Instead of playing Minnie the Moocher on piano, they instead bust out ‘Sexual Eruption’ at a school dance that Bertie accidentally ends up in charge of. Jeeves’s catchphrase is now, “Hey-Hey-Hey, sir.”

ZeroCorpse:

COMING THIS FALL TO CBS! THE ALL-NEW YOUNG ONES !
It’s the story of four young American housemates: Wacky heavy metal fan & libertarian Terry (formerly Vyvyan, altered for American audiences, played by Jack Black), uptight would-be anarchist/secret conservative Rick (Shia Labeouf), down-on-his-luck liberal Neil (Kenan Thompson), and young con-artist Mike (Justin Long). They are frequently visited by their crazy landlord, Dmitri Balowski and his family (all played by Norm McDonald).
The show will follow the winning formula seen in “Two & a Half Men”, but with kind of a wacky “Big Bang Theory” vibe. If “Seinfeld” was the “show about nothing” then The All-New Young Ones will be the show about EVERYTHING!
In the first episode, written by Jimmy Fallon and Carlos Mencia, the guys have to raise rent money by putting on a wacky concert in their apartment! Guest starring The Black-Eyed Peas and Willow Smith!
Instead of the crude puppets seen in the original British version, we’ll be using CGI effects to make the apartment seem zany!
James Horner will provide the theme song, and the first five episodes will be directed by comedy genius Ben Stiller, who will also appear in several cameo roles. The musical score will be based on the work of Randy Newman.
The show takes place in Detroit, Michigan (but of course, it’s filmed in southern California in front of a studio audience). About halfway through the first season, there are plans to add a female character named Kacey (played by Summer Glau). Kacey will be a fundamentalist Christian who lives next door, and tries to teach the guys about religion.
And as a special surprise, TV’s own Ted McGinley will stop by in the season finale to play Neil’s father when the guys go on a trip to Hawaii!

SeanC:

Judd Apatow’s Trainspotting.
A dark, kinetic vision of heroin addiction, poverty in Scotland, the loss of spirit, and the price of recovery…
Re-envisioned as a stoner comedy (with a heart). It would move from Edinburgh to San Fransisco, and all references to heroin would be replaced with marijuana jokes. All the characters would be broke because they just sat around and smoked weed all day, until Renton meets Diane, a single mother (with trust issues) who’s only escape is weed. By the end, they realize they’re meant for each other.
The cast, with Americanized names:
Seth Rogan – Ryan (Renton)
Paul Rudd – Simon (Sick Boy)
Jay Baruchal – Slim (Spud)
Russel Brand – Frankie (Begbie)
Jason Segal – Tommy
Leslie Mann – Dee (Diane)
Tommy Chong – Johnny S. (Mother Superior)

SecurityStooge:

McG Presents: Leon, the Pro.
Action super-director McG updates French auteur Luc Besson’s classic L?on.
Set in the dark underbelly of the glitz and glamor of Hollywood, master storyteller McG explores the unsettling reality of back room deals, fast cars, beautiful women and hard drugs as a paid assassin rescues an up and coming star from the ruthless clutches of LAPD’s racist hit squads. Together they fight a two person war for truth, revenge…and love!
Starring:
-Vince Vaughn as Leon the quiet, introspective, hitman with a heart of gold and a passion for justice.
-Rhianna as Maddy, the misunderstood hip-hop poet whose outwardly fragile demeanor belies the guts and determination to take on the man who did her wrong.
-John Travolta as Stansfield, Leon’s long-lost fraternal twin, the out-of-control detective no one dares to stop!
-With co-stars, Michael Cena as Stoney, Gabourey Sidibe as Maddy’s best friend Treneeshah, John Leguizamo as Benny the Blade the cold-blooded cop with a passion for knives and featuring Mike Meyers in his heart-breaking dramatic turn as Leon’s only friend and employer, MacArgyle.
Screenplay adapted by Stuart Beattie & Paul Lovett
Original Soundtrack by The RZA and Paul McCartney
A Shondaland Production

And now, a very special HM for Ms Duck, who sums it all up for us:

Ms Duck:

Take ANY outside US property:

remove:
non white characters
homosexuality
non christian religion
plot
dialogue
characters

add:
explosions
bad moral statements
a pretty girl ( white ) who cannot act

and you’re done.

Well said. Now for the winners! You;ll have noticed that there were a great many entries that could have conceivably — or perhaps should’ve — won. All I can tell you is that if I was in charge, I’d pick these two… and I am in charge, so I picked these.

Tor H:

He made you laugh in LITTLE NICKY…
He made you cry in CLICK…
And now, Adam Sandler (and, honestly, where has he been in this contest?!) takes on his greatest role to date…
Adam Sandler is…BLACKADDER.
Eddie Blackadder, with his trusty sidekick/whipping boy Baldrick (Rob Schneider), must endure many trials (and groin hits) to win the love of his life, ‘Queen’ Liz (Emily Blunt, too good for this cowpie, but the women in his movies always are). Undermining him at every turn is the pious, double-dealing Lorry Melchett (Ashton Kutcher, because why the hell not?). Also assisting Eddie is Percy Percy (Nick Swardson), forced to endure several jokes (repetitive and unmasculine) about his name.
Can Eddie concoct a cunning plan to get the girl?
It’s a Sandler movie. What the hell do you think?
The auteur behind GROWN UPS and JUST GO WITH IT delivers his finest work yet, this fall.
Now, excuse me whilst I cry in the shower.

I’m not gonna lie — a cold chill literally went down my spine when I read this. Take one of the best, bawdiest, darkest British comedies ever, and turn it into a soft-hearted Adam Sandler video? SHUDDER. You deserve to cry in the shower, Tor. But you also deserve a shirt.

Nemoz3r0:

Siddhartha:
Sid, a young Texan rancher/cowboy, loves the simple tranquility of sitting under this one tree watching his cattle graze. After the death of his father, a soulless oil tycoon tries to muscle him out of his family’s land using his father’s debt. Sid must drive the cattle to market alone to make enough money. On the way he meets a chubby salesman, Bud (Buddha) who travels with him and teaches him kung fu. Sid make’s it back in time only to find construction has begun, an oil platform stands in place of his tree and his dog (Herman) is dead. Sid decides to teach the oil company a lesson; all life is suffering. And he’s just the kung fu cowboy to make them suffer…

Man, if you guys don’t agree with this entry winning, I won’t begrudge it of you, but I couldn’t not recognize it  it’s so damned clever I can barely stand it. Turning Hermann Hesse’s novel of spiritual journey and enlightenment into what is basically an ’80s Steven Seagal movie? That’s brilliant. By which I mean horrible. By which I mean brilliant.

So that’s that. Thanks to everyone for entering, and all the kind words about the new commenting system, and of course thanks to the winners.