Perfumes: They Aren’t Just for PCs Who Defeat Monsters with Treasure Type H Anymore


?You enter a 10×10 room. An orc is guarding a chest. After a brief battle where you eviscerate the orc, extiniguishing it’s life, hopes and dreams, you greedily open the chest. Inside are 16 small bottles; upon close inspection, they are perfume. There are 16 different types, including:

? DWARF — Iron filings and chips of stone, Styrian Golding hops, and soot-covered leather.
? ELF — Pale golden musk, honeycomb, amber, parma violet, hawthorne bark, aspen leaf, forest lily, life everlasting, white moss, and a hint of wild berry.
? HALF-ELF — White sandalwood, beeswax, white tea leaf, oud, and a hint of sophisticated urban musk.
? HALFLING — Porridge, kukui nuts, and pastry crumbs.
? ORC — Field grey courgette musk, roughly cured leather, and vetiver.

? CLERIC — Rose amber, frankincense, myrrh, champaca flower, Peru balsam, cistus, palisander, cananga, hyssop, and narcissus absolute.
? FIGHTER — Leather, musk, blood, and steel.
? MAGE — All mystique and thrumming power: gurjum balsam, Sumatran dragon’s blood resin, olibanum, galangal, oleo gum resin, and frankincense.
? PALADIN — Immaculate white musk, sweet frankincense, bourbon vanilla, white leather, and shining armor.
? RANGER — Untamed wilderness: buckskin accord with Terebinth pine, Russian birch, black ironwood, elder bark, hay, armoise, juniper, patchouli, galangal root, Spanish moss, and cabreuva.
? ROGUE — Soft, well-worn black leather, hemp, and rosin.

? NEUTRAL — A flawless skin musk.
? LAWFUL — Rigid oak, blue chamomile, rhubarb, and fig leaf.
? CHAOTIC — A whirling m?lange of multicolored musks with wasabi, rooibos, heliotrope, and mastic.
? GOOD — Shimmering celestial musk with vanilla, white honey, acacia, and sugar cane.
? EVIL — Smouldering opium tar, tobacco absolute, green tea, black plum, kush, ambergris accord, ambrette seed, and costus root.

Then a beholder floats into the 10×10 room and you die.

If you still would like some of these perfumes, you’re in luck — Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs sells each and every one right here for $17.50 a bottle, as part of its new and totally hilarious RPG series. They are sold separately, of course, but I don’t know why you couldn’t buy three in hopes of smelling like a Chaotic Half-Elf Ranger if you wanted to. Other than maybe your nose needing to make a Saving Throw Vs. Exploding. (Via Fashionably Geek)