Memos from Themyscira Inc.: And the Winners Are…
?NOBODY CARES ABOUT WONDER WOMAN. Not even when I’m trying to give away free TR t-shirts, apparently. Seriously, only 150 or so entries? After all the brilliant shit you guys wrote for the Batman Inc. memos contest? That’s fucked up. My feelings are hurt. There hasn’t been a contest with results that low since 2009, I think, although I’m totally unwilling to check to make sure.
Oh well. At least those who entered did a bang-up job. The honorable mentions are winners are on the next page, and they’re worth reading… unless you don’t care about Wonder Woman so much you can’t be bothered to read this article. In which case… fuck. No wonder the goddamn show got canceled.
Honorable Mentions. These things are pretty long, but they’re worth your time. And yes, that’s what she said.
TO: All Amazonian Directors and Above
FROM: HR Department
SUBJECT: Mandatory Sexual Harassment Seminar
While Themyscira Industries readily encourages personal pride in its employees, due to the numerous lawsuits brought against our company, it is now mandatory for all Amazonian directors and above to attend our sexual harassment program, “Just Because He Has a Penis Doesn’t Mean You Can Beat Him Up.” Unfortunately, this also means the cancellation of the after work Friday Fight Club, as evidenced by the fact that we’re acknowledging said Fight Club, thereby breaking its first rule, which results in its immediate disbandment (see Themyscira Industries Handbook, page 57, paragraph 4).
Additionally, as of this moment, Bring Your Daughter to Work Day to Beat Up a Lowly Male Secretary Day has been suspended, pending further legal review.
From: Diana Prince, CEO
To: Bruce Wayne, Wayne Enterprises
RE: Last night
So…. I’m thinking it’s best we don’t tell the League about yesterday’s little… mistake. Probably better for all involved. Sorry again about the batpole incident.
PS: Tell Alfred I’m going to need the lasso back. But, you know, wash it first.
Warren G Harding:
To: Themyscira Industries
From: Diana, CEO
Very funny guys. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY JET?
Attention all Employees:
Wonder Woman Diana PrinceWhatever the secretary’s name is
Any and all female breasts may not be larger then Wonder Womans from this point forward, any and all breasts that are seen as being larger and the females who are attached to said breast will be subject to immediate bondage style flogging and then removed from the facility.
ATTN: MIS EMPLOYEES, this also includes your dolls you have on your shelves in your cubical areas, as they are in proportion more voluptuous then Wonder Woman’s.
To: David E. Kelley
From: Diana Prince
Subject: Wonder Woman TV Show
David, after looking over the most recent cut of the show, We have to decided to ask NBC to pull it before putting more episodes into production. We regret to inform you of this decision because we feel it would tarnish the name of Wonder Woman.
As you were compelled to not take any of our suggestions about the show into account before sending it off, I will reprint the various reasons why we couldn’t show it to a public audience:
-Themyscira Industries isn’t the name of our company
-Disregard of costume color
-Diana Prince in multiple roles for lack of reason
-No attention to Greek mythos or history
-General disregard of backstory to the main character of Diana Prince
-Wonder Woman’s strange ‘mud’ fetish
-Cheetah’s changed profession
-The Wonder Woman spin
-A ‘non’ invisible jet
-Exploitation of my secret identity as a means to make money
I hope one day a network will try again, and you can take all these complaints to heart, and re-work your narrative to fit these in. I hope there are no hard feelings, and good luck with future endeavors.
Diana Prince CEO,
Clay Baby Investment Corporations
From: Diana Prince
To: Themyscira Industries
From the desk of Diana Prince
Themsycira Industries (logo)
STEVE TREVOR TO BRING UNPARALLELED MANAGEMENT, INTELLIGENCE AND GOVERNMENT EXPERTISE TO THEMYSCIRA INDUSTRIES
Leader on international relations, marketing will use extensive background to enhance company’s line of products
Themyscira Industries, the world’s leader in anatomically incorrect action figures, announced today the hiring of former U.S. Army intelligence officer Steve Trevor as Senior Vice President, Development.
Trevor brings nearly 70 years of experience, several deaths and rebirths and knowledge of the Multiverse. He will apply his unmatched and varied experiences to expanding Themyscira Industries’ award-winning line of action figures.
“I can think of no one better to fill this position than Steve,” said Themyscira Industries CEO Diana Prince. “Steve’s knowledge of not only Earth, but the realms of the After World and the different aspects of the Multiverse make him the perfect person to lead our creative team as we expand and enlarge our line of products. I couldn’t be happier to welcome him to our team.”
Trevor’s initial assignment will be to assess Themyscira Industries’ line of action figures in order to maximize marketing potential and discover new markets.
“I’m extremely happy to be joining the Themyscira Industries team, and especially to be working with Diana,” Trevor said. “The company already has a terrific line of products that are unmatched in quality and performance, and I am looking forward to building on those. We have a strong foundation for success.
“The market for anatomically incorrect action figures has never been greater,” Trevor added. “My motto coming in is, “You think DDD? I think FFF!”
Trevor will begin his new position immediately.
Themyscira Industries is the worldwide leader in anatomically incorrect action figures. It is traded on the Amazonian Stock Exchange, TMI. Closing price on May 13 was 11.69 Drachmas.
To: All General Employees of Themyscria Industries
RE: The recent spate of Pigs wandering the company offices
As you are no doubt aware, there has been a recent spate of…incidents regarding large numbers, herds in fact of domesticated farm animals, namely pigs. You may have also noticed the strangely coincidental plummeting attendance record of our male employees. I can now legally confirm that these two events are connected.
Due to a recent mishap with one of my…personal associates, all male employees of our fair company have been magically transformed into pigs. I know, I know, New York huh? Needless to say, all those remaining will be compensated for any emotional trauma and magic related mishaps this incident has caused you. Those of you changed however, will have your paychecked docked for work hours unfullfilled.
I can assure with 65% confidence our male workers will be returned (eventually) to their normal selfs, in the meantime, PLEASE do not treat this sad mishap as a chance to break out the BBQ. You could well be roasting Steve from accounting. For those of you transformed, by the time you read this you should have been shown our strict worker safety protocols, which includes a copy of Homer’s The Odyssey, you uncultured pagans.
As per your contract, when you joined our company you voided any legal recourse for the being transformed into farm animals, and I must say its KIND OF YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT. Pro tip from an Amazonian Demi-Goddess: mysterious women in revealing outfits bearing heady foods and talking in archaic English may just be evil sorcerresses. They MIGHT NOT be attracted to your stamp collection, you man children, overweight drooling perverts. Lesson learned next time a comely stranger offers you enchanted potions, you chauvinist porkers.
I apologise for the minor dent this has had on worker productivity, and for the fact that Circe is a poor loser in love AND business, as falling stock shares in Helios Tech would seem to indicate. My workers will no doubt be interested to find out that this one time, Circe had a three way with a Hydra and a Centaur, cause she’s a massive whorebag with STD’s straight out of Pandora’s Casket. Tie me up with my own lasso and hope to die, Zeus strike me down with Thunder if I lie.
Thank you for your valourous service mortals,
Diana Prince, CEO
P.S. The pig many have seen me carrying around is not one of those fancy designer pigs you mortals cherish, but my best friend and secretary Etta Candy. Perhaps now you won’t eat everything lying around with my name on it, huh Etta, you goddamn walking Blimp!
From: Themyscira Industries PR Dept.
Themyscira Industries regretfully announces that Wonder Woman’s backstory has been recalled once again due to a persistent design flaw. Our Character Engineering staff continues to work on correcting this issue, and will release a new backstory once it has been resolved.
From: Diana Prince, CEO
To: Steve Trevor, Aviation Department
I need you to halt all production on the invisible jet. You guys have been doing great work and we’re going to try to sort this out but for now you and your staff will be re-tasked. See attached letter from the FAA.
To: Admin Staff
From: E. Candy, Head of HR
To whomever deals with ordering office supplies please order some double sided tape, we have somehow run out, again.
Also to all admin staff, please refrain from entering the Killer Bee Room, it does indeed contain Killer Bees.
Head of HR
From: Diana Prince, CEO
To: Peter Gibbons
Date: May 13, 2011
Re: TPS Report Format
Peter, we’re putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great.
To: The Goddamned Batman
From: Diana Prince
Subject: Singing in public
Oink, oink oink oink! Oink oink. Oink oink oink. Oink oink, oink oink oink oink oink!
(dicated, not read)
123 Amazon Way
To: All Staff
From: Diana Prince, CEO Themyscira Industries
Subject: New Mental Health Initiative
At Themyscria Industries, your mental well-being is just as important to us as your physical health. It is well known that the Amazon Code encourages a strong body but a strong mind is even more vital – personally and professionally. To that end, I have appointed a new Company Physician – respected psychologist Dr. Sy Cho. It is my hope that Dr. Sy Cho will be able to reduce employee stress and improve productivity.
Per Dr. Cho’s recommendations, the following policies are now in effect.
1. All male employees are to be let go immediately. Please have your desks cleaned by 5 pm and leave the building before 5:30 pm today, gentlemen.
2. The dress code for all employees on Casual Friday is as follows: Sexy Lingerie or Naughty Halloween Costumes If you have no sexy lingerie or naughty Halloween costumes of your own, Dr. Cho will provide you with something.
3. Casual Fridays will open with spirited calisthenics under Dr. Cho’s supervision.
4. Casual Fridays will close with tag-team nude Jello wrestling tournaments under Dr. Cho’s supervision.
5. All Workdays Are Now Casual Fridays.
Failure to obey these new policies will result in harsh, disciplinary penalties, which will also be under Dr. Cho’s supervision. Please show Dr. Cho the same unquestioning obedience that you would show me.
The Lewd Ood:
To: Themyscira legal team
Cc: Themyscira PR team
From: Diana Prince
Good morning all. Just want to give you the heads-up that I just broke a man’s neck. In fact, I have been told that it was actually broadcast live on network television (I was not aware of this at the time, although I do not believe it would have affected my actions if I did – the mind-controlling prick really did deserve it).
Anyway, you’ll probably need to prepare a statement and my legal defense, but I don’t pay the best lawyers and publicists to sit around and do nothing, right?
As a token of my gratitude, you’ll find fresh bagels and donuts in the third floor conference room.
Thanks for your help and support during this difficult time, and if you need to reach me I’ll be on my blackberry on Paradise Island.
From: Diana Prince, CEO Themyscira Industires
To: All Employees
Re: My upcoming hiatus
As of 5/16/2011, I will be headed on an extended hiatus and am not sure when I will return. I intend to go on a journey of self-discovery in the hope to finally solidfying my backstory, nailing down exactly what my powers are, and developing as a character. While I am gone, the running of Themyscira and all its subsidiaries will be left to the board of trustees.
Diana Prince, CEO Themyscira Industries
From: Diana Prince, CEO
To: Marketing Dept.
Subject: New Marketing Campaign
“Just wear the blues ones. It’ll be fine.”
Are you for real? It’s called market research.
Screw it. I’m cancelling the whole thing.
P.S You’re all fired.
And now for the winners…
From: Prince, Diana ([email protected] .com)
To: All Executive-Level Employees
RE: Parking Space Policy
TO ALL THEMYSCIRA EXECUTIVES:
Beginning immediately, all executive-level employees are to consider Ms. Prince’s designated parking space as occupied at all times. This morning marks the 15th collision caused by the erroneous assumption by an employee in the executive parking lot that because no vehicle could be seen occupying the space, that it is therefore available to be used. Not only is this a direct disregard for the designated space policy in Themyscira Industries employee handbook, but the repair bills to Ms. Prince’s personal vehicle are approaching the untenable. Also, regarding the suggestion from personnel in the accounting department, Ms. Prince responds that because she does not specify the visibility of your personal transportation, you should not deign to specify hers.
Thank you all for your expected compliance on this issue, and remember to “Have a Mythical Day.”
Certainly this was the readers favorite, but the line “Also, regarding the suggestion from personnel in the accounting
department, Ms. Prince responds that because she does not specify the
visibility of your personal transportation, you should not deign to
specify hers” just kills me.
From: Wonder Woman
To: PR director, Prince Enterprises
Re: Your report -WW feature film.
At your direction, we halted production on the film, and focused on a
Television show. Also at your direction, we shied away at the “Gods Of
Myth” angle that we had originally decided on because “Normal People
Could Not Relate”
Pack your shit and be gone by 5 pm Friday. Maybe take in a movie. I hear Thor is doing well.
And I love this entry not just because of the hilariously passive-aggressive way it ends, but because it made me realize — holy shit, a Wonder Woman TV series was canceled the same week that a Thor film was the #1 movie in America. That’s fucking insane. Look, I know Wonder Woman has problems — we all do — but if a Thor movie can work, is there really any reason a Wonder Woman movie can’t? Honestly, this memo should be sent to every executive at DC and WB who are in charge of the movies. I can’t think of a more deserving winner.
And that’s that. Hopefully everything will be back on track in next week’s contest, because otherwise we’re going to have words. Those words will mostly be me begging you guys to love me again while I’m sobbing hysterically, but they will be words, I assure you of that.