?NOTE: Topless Robot will be off on Monday for Memorial Day. Just so you know.
A week and a half ago, I posted some news on the new Star Tours ride at Disneyworld. Among the other details included was that wonderful actress Allison Janney would be voicing a “spokesbot” for the ride — and that George Lucas had named the character “Aly San San” within about two seconds of hearing Janney’s name. We all thought this was pretty terrible, although none of us were surprised. I mean, the man created bad guys named Darth Maul and Darth Sidious, as well as a “death stick” seller named Elan Sleazebaggano, for fuck’s sake. Whatever gifts he had for character names disappeared somewhere between 1983 and 1999, like everything else.
So here’s this week’s contest: make up new Star Wars characters names in the vein of George Lucas. Now, there a few ways you can go with this: 1) you can “Star Wars”-ify the name of a celebrity, like Lucas did with Janney. If so, make sure you say what celeb it is if it’s not totally clear (although it should probably be pretty obvious if you want to win). 2) You can make up a new Star Wars villain. If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me go crazy with this idea back in December, when I made up Harm Bludgeon, Mur-Durr Wound, DeKappa Tayshun, Darth Knifeintheface, Scourge Malice, Hert-Yu Torture, Darth Bastard, Evil Knieval, Attak Vengeance, Burn Shinkick, Deth Deth-Deth, Darth Tittytwister, RAY-CYST-389 the Racist Droid and Sid Vicious. 3) Think up a name for any other character that makes their entire character totally obvious — I’ll put Senor Sleazebaggano in that camp.
Since it’s a three-day weekend and I’m betting you guys can knock this shit out of the park, everyone gets four entries — BUT ONE ENTRY PER DAY. That’s one entry each on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday but each entry can have FIVE NAMES ON IT. DO NOT post five comments per day with one name each. You get one contest entry comment per day, for a total of four entries and 20 names. If you only want to list two or three names in an entry that’s fine, but you can’t post three in the morning and two in the afternoon of the same day. If you only want to enter on two days that’s also fine. But the entries will be cumulative — meaning someone with three entries of five hilarious Star Wars names is more likely to win than someone with two entries of 10 hilarious names. I’ll be checking the times on posts, don’t think I won’t.
The contest ends at 12:01am EST on Tuesday, May 31. And lest any of you be confused, you can comment as many times as you like on other entries or to each other — just don’t post a contest entry more than once a day, got it? If this thing doesn’t get at least 1,000 comments, I’m going to be disappointed. Again, I’m off on Monday for Memorial Day, so I’ll see everybody on Tuesday. May the Force be with you horrible bastards.