10 Disgustingly Awesome Slime Monsters
?Ever since the dawn of our existence, man has been terrifying the people of their tribes, villages and cities with tales of encounters and narrow escapes from grotesque creatures that defy explanation and inspire fear within those willing to listen. Naturally, I’m talking about monsters. Commonly used as an umbrella term, “monster” breaks down into an infinite (and complex) expanse of subcategories that cover a multitude of bases: ghosts, werewolves, vampires, zombies, and so on. The internet has certainly paid homage to these figments of our nightmarish imaginations in more ways than one, but of them, there’s one little obscure group that has yet to have its moment and it’s about time that they do: slime monsters!
What makes the slime monster so unique is that they come in all manner of colorful varieties. Some are sentient and blood thirsty globs of amoeba-like goop with an insatiable appetite for human flesh. Others can at times be heroes or — on the rarest of occasions — be a kid’s best friend in an otherwise lonely existence. The rest, well, want to either take over the world or drench you in their own slime for plain ol’ kicks. For the sake of clarity this list will highlight nearly every conceivable type of slime: sludge, grime, slop, glop, and goo, and cover only monsters made of and/or can make slime. So get ready to get nauseous, because the 10 disgustingly awesome slime monsters are slithering and oozing right from under you!
10) Slime, Dragon Quest
?Akira Toriyama (the creator of Dragonball Z) was a very busy man during the 1980s. When he wasn’t devoting every waking moment working on his manga series Dr. Slump and Dragonball, the video game publisher Enix had commissioned that he design the characters and monsters for the Dragon Quest video game. With such a daunting to-do list it’s no surprise that Toriyama may have rushed through a monster design or two. Case in point: the Slime. Looking like a blue drop of snot with a goofy grin and googly eyes, the low-level enemy you were callously cleaving in half with your sword quickly soared in popularity, becoming not only the endearing mascot for the Dragon Quest franchise, but also Enix as a whole. Soon, variations of the Slime — from the mundane to the wild — began to ooze their way into the game: Slime Knights, a patriarchal leader in the form of King Slime, Metal Slimes, and more. With so many Slimes it’s not long before you have Slimes on the mind. And then before you know it you start sliming slyour slwords sland slime slime sl-slime. Slime? Sliiiiimmmmme…
9) Muk, Pok?mon
For an organization vying to dominate the world using Pok?mon as living weapons, Team Rocket grunts aren’t exactly the brightest henchmen. Blame it on lax employment screening or the lack of aptitude tests, but grunts have the notion that the best method of dealing with a nosy 10-year-old trainer and his level 50 Blastoise is to throw as many low-level Rattatas and Zubats at them as feasibly possible. However, you do get one or two able-minded grunts that pack a high-level Muk to menace you. While not a real threat, their high defense in combination with the move “Minimize (an attack that increases their evasiveness) and penchant for poisoning your Pokemon can make for an unnecessarily drawn-out and grating battle that tests the nerves of even the most zen of video game players.
What makes Muk truly standout most for fans, however, is its unique way of showing its affections on the Pok?mon anime series. Caught by Ash “School Dropout” Ketchum in a power plant, Muk was immediately sent to Professor Oak’s lab back in Pallet Town where he discovered, to his chagrin, its — to put it delicately — randy nature; yes, Muk going to town on the professor and others that instantly struck its fancy became a hallmark of the show. But what really raises an eyebrow is that according to Muk’s Pokedex entry, its body is made entirely of lethal and possibly radioactive toxins. So while Prof. Oak walks away unscathed in the cartoon, his body in actuality would be covered with severe chemical burns and cancerous lumps, not to mention numerous other symptoms of radiation sickness, if it were the real world.
8) Ivan Ooze, Power Rangers: The Movie
Ivan Ooze never made an appearance in the original Japanese Sentai series, nor the annual movies, but just because he’s purely a Saban Entertainment creation doesn’t mean he’s one to be taken lightly. Imprisoned in an egg by Zordon 6,000-odd years ago, Ooze alone did what Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa took entire seasons to do in mere seconds: take out his captor and reveal to children in theaters everywhere the anemic shriveled-up raisin of a man Zordon really was. But Ooze’s grand march towards world domination didn’t end there. Disguised as a carnival wizard, he handed out jars of purple ooze (whether he threw up into the jars or made it through other means remains to be seen) to the children of Angel Grove; which in turn placed all their parents under his control upon touching the gunk. With no adult supervision whatsoever the kids turn Ernie’s (c’mon, you know who Ernie is!) snack bar into a Sodom and Gomorrah of ooze and broken curfews; as well as blasting Shampoo’s “Trouble” at obnoxiously deafening levels (just in case you were on the fence about purchasing the film’s soundtrack). In retrospect, Ooze’s schemes — while evil in theory — aren’t as grandiose as he made them out to be, but you have to admit he was a villain with charisma and quite the screen presence.
7) Gloop and Gleep, The Herculoids
?Just because you’re born an alien gelatinous mass doesn’t mean you’re born intrinsically evil. Sometimes, your appetite for administering galactic justice outweighs the hunger for human flesh. Gloop and Gleep were the slimey saviors of the planet Amzot and counted themselves among the planets protectors: The Herculoids! While their monstrous teammates Zok (the space dragon), Igoo (the rock ape) and Tundro (the triceratops-rhino hybrid) spoke in incomprehensible snarls and growls, Gloop and Gleep actually had a language of sorts that — though seemingly simplistic — was understood by their human companions. And although they lacked the raw power of the others, Gloop and Gleep proved their worth by using their malleable bodies to form impenetrable shields, trampolines, snares, and other handy objects that pulled The Herculoids out of any scrape. Plus, you can’t go wrong with slime monsters that can transform into cushioned seats on the fly — with back support, I’m sure.
6) Mr. Swlabr, Monsters
Most people hope to find the solution to all of their problems at the bottom of a beer mug, but little do they know that salvation is only a box of sugary cereal away — and it comes in the form of Mr. Swlabr! In the episode titled, obviously, “Mr. Swlabr,” a young boy named Roy lives a miserable Cinderella-esque life doing innumerable chores for his verbally abusive mother and sister, all while pining for a runaway father he hardly knew and playing with a derelict train set. But life’s a fickle mistress and she soon rewards the boy with a mysterious packet he finds at the bottom of a box of cereal. Heeding the instructions, Roy tosses it into a glass of water, only for it to turn into a tiny creature with an insatiable thirst for any and all liquids — which he delightfully calls “lick ’em ups.” Mistaking his newfound friend for a dog (?) and cornering him in the basement, Roy’s sister and mother spray Mr. Swlabr with a hose which causes him to exponentially grow and give both of them the sliming of a lifetime. In the end, Mr. Swlabr becomes the father Roy never had and always wanted: a morbidly obese and sedentary lump with a smart mouth he can watch drink all day. Every boy needs a father; some just prefer the company of ones that vomit slime.
5) Gooey Gus, Ghostwriter
Ghostwriter on PBS was your typical 90’s television show geared towards the Generation Y crowd: a group of implausibly cool and savvy kids, neighborhood mysteries and a pseudo-hip-hop theme indicative of the times. With a three season run from 1992 to 1995, Ghostwriter‘s final story arc is without a doubt strange given that it aired on a network that denounced horrifying imagery in children’s programming, as well as — to the mind of a small child — being terrifying on so many levels. The multi-part episode “Attack of the Slime Monster” featured one of the most frightening creatures to ever haunt PBS: Gooey Gus!
You do have to commend the writer of this episode for creating a creature that combines the classic elements of a living doll driven to kill and a slime monster together; that’s basically Gus in a nutshell. Starting life as an innocuous — but gross — plaything that dribbles grape-flavored gum from his mouth, the warning label on the doll warned not to let him overheat. Why? For reasons never made clear, extreme heat grants the doll life, and from there Gus begins his slime-drenched reign of terror on the community. Kidnapping people aside, an unsettling moment in the story arc is when he ensnares one of his unwitting victims in a purple goo cocoon and fixes her to the wall; which ultimately looks like something straight from a sci-fi horror movie (watch the video and you’ll what I’m talking about). There was always one question on my mind throughout this one: What kind of toy company makes a doll that can come to life when exposed to heat? Answer: one that hires gypsy witches for their work staff.
4) Oil Monster, Creepshow 2
We’re quick to say that monsters enjoy eating people, but if you really took the time to get to know the monster in particular, you’d come to realize they have a much more refined palette and won’t devour just anybody. Next to campers and people who refuse to believe in their existence at their own discretion, arrogant young people in the middle of nowhere (out of screaming distance preferably) are a real delicacy — and the oil monster from Creepshow 2‘s “The Raft” is one such gooey gourmand. Stranded on a raft in the middle of a lake, the oil monster picks off the teens one by one, and in the most brutal way imaginable: wrapping its oily tendrils around them and dragging the unfortunate victim through the raft’s cracks. But naturally, the group’s ringleader is the last man standing and manages to swim to shore in one piece… until he makes the one mistake nearly every jock makes in a horror movie: ignore the window of opportunity to keep running and taunt the monster. Definitely not one to take his frat boy bravado, the oil monster engulfs him and nonchalantly swims back to the middle of the lake.
3) Alex, Slime City
It’s always best to have the foresight to ask your real estate agent about the history of your prospective apartment instead of diving in headfirst without doing so. You want to know sooner rather than later about its possible unsavory history. But if the characters of Slime City had done that, then Alex wouldn’t be here on the list, now would he? Slime City tells the story of Alex and Lori: a young couple moving into their New York apartment — an apartment with an insidiously dark past. After being invited by his new neighbor to a strange meal, Alex begins to undergo inexplicable… changes. His skin starts to secrete a rancid slime and a murderous urge to kill starts to take hold. Hitting the streets, Alex sates his bloodlust by taking out local prostitutes and gangs, which — temporarily — stymies the changes to his body (until his appetite for the nasty food he consumed before starts the cycle all over again). Despite the slime dripping from nearly every orifice on Alex’s body, his new gooey constitution makes him invulnerable, as well as turning his innards into what looks like hotdogs and scrambled eggs (blame the budget for that one). But what’s at the root of all this? Simple: a cult.
Slime City may not be a multi-million dollar production, but this gross-out splatter flick is held in high esteem by many horror movie fans and even spawned a sequel in the form of Slime City Massacre not too long ago. With slime practically oozing out of the woodwork, it’s no wonder Alex is a B-movie horror hero.
2) Hedorah, Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster
Of the many movies featuring everyone’s favorite king of kaiju, Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster stands out as one the series’ stranger entries. With a psychedelic ’70s mod vibe and out-of-place animation sequences canvassed over a “save the Earth” theme, Godzilla comes face to face with Hedorah: a shambling monstrosity made entirely of toxic sludge; in fact, Hedorah’s name derives from “hedoro,” the Japanese word for sludge or slime. Entering Earth’s atmosphere as spores that hatched into tiny tadpole-like creatures, the Hedorahpoles start life feeding on the pollution produced by mankind until they become strong enough to merge into one composite entity. After its first egregious ass kicking at the hands of Godzilla, Hedorah runs off to feed on more pollution, granting it even more power to become a towering monster that smothered Japan — and Godzilla — in toxic glop and acidic mist. With Godzilla’s abilities virtually useless against Hedorah’s regenerative body, the people of Japan create two giant electrodes figuring that electricity would dry Hedorah out, killing him. Powered by Godzilla’s atomic blast, the electrodes turn Hedorah into a dried-up husk, thus saving the day… until Godzilla starts mutilating Hedorah’s lifeless corpse beyond recognition and burns his remaining body parts to a crisp — to prevent it from ever regenerating. Better safe than sorry is what kaiju monsters always say.
1) The Blob
“The Sultan of Slime”! “The Governor of Glorious Goo”! Call it what you want, but The Blob is the undisputed king of slime monsters! In the film, a mysterious meteor makes landfall in small town America during the summer of 1957, cracking open and releasing the titular monster from its imprisonment. First attaching itself to an old man’s arm, the unfortunate geriatric is taken to a hospital, only for he — as well as the doctor and nurse — to be consumed during the night by the alien goo. Now bigger and redder than before, The Blob begins its hunt for prey in earnest as it devours hapless victims one by one. Fortunately for this simple-minded podunk town, local teen Steve, and his girlfriend Jane, discover the creature’s aversion to cold temperatures, having escaped its clutches before when seeking refuge in a grocery store’s walk-in fridge. Gathering as many fire extinguishers as they can, the local townspeople band together and freeze The Blob — which is promptly dropped in the Arctic by the Air Force as a contingency.
Though The Blob lacks the grotesque bells and whistles of its slimey brethren, the film was a smash-hit at the time of its release. And with so much pop-culture staying power, the movie launched a sequel entitled Beware! The Blob, where the creature goes from the swell 1950s to the groovy 1970s upon awakening from its frozen slumber. While this film leaned more towards horror and macabre comedy, the 1988 remake of the original was a complete departure from the lighthearted romp of its predecessor since it was strictly a gruesome horror flick that took place in modern times, showing just what happens to someone as they’re being consumed by The Blob (not a pretty sight). Sci-fi icon aside, there are some that believe The Blob is actually an allegory for America’s then-paranoia over the looming threat of communism. Though this claim has been dismissed time and again, the fact that it’s red and consumes/terrifies all things Americana is uncanny in regards to its parallels with the aforementioned social ideology. Does that mean The Blob was a suspected commie? We’ll never know for sure, but then again, everyone who asked was promptly eaten.