?To put it simply, Jurassic Park is a fantastic film. Its groundbreaking CGI melded with practical effects to create arguably the most convincing movie dinosaurs in history, while Steven Spielberg’s steady hand kept things taut. Its toys? Well, let’s just say the flick’s a tough act to follow. We’ve already delved into some of the oddities from the line’s selection of vehicles. That was fun, but as some Roboteers pointed out, the figures didn’t fare much better. Indeed, it’s as if the good folks at Kenner (and later, Hasbro) didn’t get to see the movie beforehand, or were just given some hastily photocopied images in a dossier that the film’s reps didn’t let them keep after the meeting Some turned out favorably, while others…well…no one said the toy biz was easy.
Here’s a sampling of some of the insanity found in JP‘s toys. Just for kicks, we’re also throwing in some figures from the alternate universe stuff, ‘cuz a lot of them are pretty stupid too. We’re not complaining, though — who wants things to make sense all the time?
6) “Harpoon” Harrison
?“Harpoon” Harrison seems like he’d make a pretty good fishing buddy or alcoholic companion. In terms of wielding a firing double spear around dinosaurs and people, though, we’d probably hire someone else. Maybe it’s the backwards cap that leads us to doubt his professionalism, or the fact that he thinks it’s cool to wear vests with nothing underneath while on the job. Regardless, we would still dock points for the missing beer can and scratch-off lotto accessories, but since the Brachiosaurus hatchling is probably a drug-induced hallucination of some kind, we’ll stop here. Seems like ol’ HH has enough troubles as it is.
5) Desert Tracker Alan Grant
?If there’s one thing every fan knows about Dr. Alan Grant, it’s that he likes — nay, needs — to fight dinosaurs. Here, our hero finally gets the challenge he’s been thirsting for: a match with a seizing mini-raptor. In this iteration, the venerable paleontologist comes equipped with a “working dino claw” and a new face, possibly inspired by former Oscar-nominee Josh Brolin. It’s not just that the weapon leaves him comically underprepared, though. This Alan Grant is also dressed for fashion over function, netting him several style points (and zero survival points) before his assuredly imminent and humiliating demise.
4) Tim Murphy
?“Time to grow up, Tim. Take this retracting snare and cage for when you get near one of ’em.”
If a character like Alan Grant had delivered that line to a wide-eyed Joseph Marzalleo in Jurassic Park, perhaps Kenner’s Tim Murphy figure would’ve at least made some sense. While the world was spared such horror, it didn’t escape the silliness inherent in this depiction of an 11-year-old boy being equipped with weaponry, presumably to fight an island full of supremely angry dinosaurs. At least he was given a manageable, young plant-eater to practice with. How responsible.
3) Chaos Effect Ian Malcolm
?Chaos Effect Ian Malcolm looks like a cross between a Ghostbuster and Ripley from Aliens. This may sound like a cool concept, but since he’s been clearly defined as someone who doesn’t get off on punchin’ dinos, it’s really just a terrible idea. Like, are we truly to believe that neurotic Ian Malcolm suddenly agreed to lift weights and run around chasing dinosaurs with a giant green claw? Sounds slightly out of character. We understand things have gone super-awful in this Chaos Effect world, but we’d be surprised if that would make Malcolm any more eager to deal with it… or eager to be eaten.
2) Dr. Snare
?This guy’s name is Dr. Snare. Yeah, he’s part of the “Evil Raiders” and is thus not tethered to reason, but still — Dr. Snare?! Was “Dr. Dinosaur Poacher M.D.” taken? At least he comes with a dino-damage wound, an apt decision considering he couldn’t possibly be very good at his job. Dude is choosing to fight raptors bare-chested, people… it’s not going to end well for him.
1) Dennis Nedry
?Dennis Nedry as seen in Jurassic Park the movie: rotund, treacherous, abhorrent.
Dennis Nedry as seen in Dennis Nedry the action figure: smooth, sophisticated, Albert Wesker.
We can forgive minor (heck, even some major) departures from realism with toys like this, but Dennis Nedry by Kenner looks like he could have just destroyed that Dilophosaurus with his bare hands. And where’s his yellow raincoat? Is it even legal to make a Dennis Nedry figure without one? Alas, in his own weird way, egregiously imprecise lady-killer Dennis Nedry is kind of cool. If there’s ever a sequel where he survived the attack from the first film, we hope he comes back as this guy. Is Michael Fassbender willing to wear sunglasses for an entire movie? Can he remove his own arms? Someone check on that.