Nerdery, TV

Fan Fiction Friday: Agent Scully in “Unidentified Santa Object”

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?Happy holidays, folks! I couldn’t let the season pass us by without a Christmas-themed FFF. I’ve had to edit this story from Deadly Joker down a bit, but just from the beginning, so let me catch you up on what you missed:
? Two friends Matt and Jack see Santa Claus.
? Matt and Jack call the police.
? While the police are questioning Matt and Jack, Agent Scully from The X-Files shows up, takes over, and directs the two boys to a motel room for a Federal “interrogation.”
? Then this happens:

“So, you boys think you saw something, do you?” Scully had taken off her
leather trench coat. She now stood before them, hands-on-hips, with her
leather boots ending just below her knees, stockings disappearing under
a black skirt, and a white silk blouse on top.

“I got briefed on my way over, let’s see if I have it correct,” Scully
said. “You’re Matt Black, nineteen, senior in high school, spotty
academic record and not many prospects after graduating, either
academically or career-wise, is that right?”

“Uh, yeah,” said Matt. “Well, I mean-“

“Shut up,” Scully said, sharply. She undid the top button of her blouse.
“And you’re Jack Jones, eighteen, also a senior at the same school,
marginally better academically, but with two convictions; one for
possession and the other for theft?”

“Petty theft,” Jack said. “Mrs…uh, Special Agent…um…”

“Scully. Call me Scully, you drug-addled slacker.” She casually undid
another button of her blouse. The silk fell back to reveal the edge of
her black bra.

“Now,” she continued, “from what I hear, you both think you saw something, is that right?”

“Yeah,” Matt said, “Santa Claus!”

“And his reindeer!” Jack added. “And his sleigh! And there were these
magic sparkles too, along his path in the sky.” He looked up at Scully,
standing over them both, hands on hips and top half-undone and a hard,
incredulous look in her eyes. He finished meekly: “I think…uh…I
think he waved at us…”

“Do you corroborate the account of your dim-witted friend here, Mr. Black?” she asked Matt. He nodded.

“Well,” she continued, and began to run her hands over her stomach, and
up her chest. “Maybe I can convince you boys otherwise? Maybe you didn’t
see anything? Maybe it was all in your heads?” She unbuttoned her
blouse fully, exposed her milky-white chest, and cupped her
bra-constrained breasts in her hands. She breathed huskily, “I can be
your Christmas Eve firecracker.”

The firecracker explodes after the jump.

The two boys glanced at each other, but stayed quiet. Scully looked down
at their crotches, “Mmm, I love getting a reaction from the crowd.”

She knelt down in front of them, running her hands over the bulges in
their pants. She shifted over in front of Matt, unbuttoned and lowered
his pants, letting his cock spring out. It bobbed in the air, already
hard.

“Shit,” Scully cursed under her breath, “they’re making them bigger’n’thicker every year.”

“They”? Who’s “they”? Who creates people? God? Does god oversee penis construction? Seems like he would have delegated that out.

“Mr. Jones,” she turned to Jack, “would you kindly wrap your fist around your friend’s throbbing cock?”

Waitaminute… Jack… Jack… “would you kindly”… HOLY SHIT AGENT SCULLY JUST TOLD THE PROTAGONIST OF BIOSHOCK TO GIVE HIS FRIEND A HANDJOB

“Wha!” Matt jumped.

“Um, I don’t think so,” Jack said.

“If you don’t feed me his cock,” Scully said, “I’m not going to suck it.” She licked her glossy red lips.

Jack looked over at Matt. “Fuck man, what a bitch” Matt said, “Well, I wanna get my cock sucked…go ahead.”

Hey, I enjoy fellatio as much as the next guy, but if the next guy has to hold my ding dong in order for me to receive fellatio, I’d probably give it a miss. More importantly, if a friend of mine needs me to hold his dick in order to receive fellatio, unless there are some seriously extenuating circumstances, he’s shit out of luck.

Jack moved his left arm over, and gingerly moved his hand around his
friend’s lightly throbbing, veiny cock, gripping it with the tips of his
thumb and forefinger.

“Not like a little sissy!” Scully said. “Grab it like you want to blow a
load thinking about your mother!” Jack whimpered but Scully just gave
him an evil grin that exposed her white teeth.

“Um, ma’am? Can I see that FBI badge again? Frankly, I’m beginning to doubt this is a government operation.”

Jack wrapped his hand around the base of Matt’s cock, and when Scully opened her mouth he directed the cock between her lips.

“Oh shit you two, don’t stop!” Matt growled. Scully worked her red lips
over the cockhead and down the shaft, slobbering over Matt’s cock,
taking it into her mouth until it hit Jack’s hand. The two began working
in a rhythm on Matt’s cock, Jack’s hand sliding up-and-down the saliva
slickened shaft, while Scully’s hot mouth followed close behind.

“Yummy!” Scully said, pulling off. She moved over in front of Jack and
undid his pants, pulling them down to his ankles. “Oooh, another big
one! Mr. Black, your hand around his lovely cock, if you please?” Jack
hadn’t taken his hand off Matt’s cock, and still slowly stroked the wet
shaft. Matt reached over, with a little grimace on his face, and put his
hand around Jack’s cock. His stress subsided when Scully pushed the
action onward, putting her mouth over Jack’s cock and letting Matt’s
hand help her minister oral pleasure.

“Aaaah, fuck that’s good!” Jack cried out.

What do you think the odds are of this fan fic author’s name being Matt or Jack? 1 in 2? 43 in 45? Just a hunch.

Scully moved upward, tugged up on Jack’s shirt until his nipples were
exposed. She tugged, bit, and sucked at them. Moving over to Matt she
undid the top of his shirt to expose his nipples, and gave them the same
treatment with her hot mouth.

“Mmm…” she growled, “hot little fag-boys make my pussy flow.” She
crouched down on her knees again and let Jack feed her Matt’s cock. She
moved her mouth down to wetly suck at Matt’s hairy balls, and Jack
pulled Matt’s cock up to give her better access.

Matt groaned. “We’re not gay, you know,” Jack said. Scully moved her mouth over to suck at Jack’s cock.

“We just willingly and enthusiastically touch each other penises when ordered to by strangers. No, we’re as straight as an arrow, we are.”

“Sure, sure,” she chuckled with a growl. “You’re my little teen bitches.
You’ll be as gay as I tell you. You got that, bitch?” She sucked at
Jack’s cock, running her teeth around the cockhead to emphasize her
point.

Okay, that was admittedly outstanding.

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?

She pulled off. “Keep strokin’ each other. Fuck you’re makin’ me wet! What a sight!”

Both boys closed their eyes as they slowly but deliberately stroked each
other’s rigid cocks. They heard clicks but didn’t pay them any mind
until they became more frequent.

“Oh shit!” Matt had opened his eyes. “She’s taking pictures!”

“Hey, Matt? We just got totally distracted by jerking each other off. Maybe we’re a tiny bit gayer than we realized.”

Scully stood in front of them, eye through the viewfinder of a camera.
She’d captured multiple pictures of the two; pants around their ankles
and chests, jacking each other off. “That’s right,” she chuckled, “so,
if any of this Santa shit gets out, you know these are going public,
alright?”

She put away the camera, and tossed off her blouse, unzipped her skirt, and pulled off her boots. “Now, let’s fuck!”

The boys quickly pulled off their clothes until they were stark naked.
Scully stood in the middle of the room and Matt knelt down in front of
her, and pressed his nose and mouth into her crotch, covered by black
panties, soaking in the heat and dampness.

“Mmmm, fuck!” He muttered into Scully’s crotch, soaking in the scent of
her pussy, and causing shivers to coarse up and down Scully’s body. She
pulled off her bra.

Sadly, “coarse” may be more accurate than “course” in this instance.

Jack knelt down behind her and pulled her panties to the side, and dived
in between her asscheeks, lapping at the pucker, tasting the strong
tangy scent.

Tangy? What, does she have a bottle of A-1 sauce in there?

“Fuck, your ass is nasty!” Jack growled. “When’s the last time you
washed back here? Fuckin’ dirty bitch.” He pushed his face into her ass
again, his tongue probing into her pungent hole.

“Of course, when I say your ass is nasty I only mean it as an observation, not an insult. Obviously it won’t stop me from licking your asshole. Ma’am.”

Scully shivered as Matt pulled her panties aside in front, and dove his
face into her pussy, covered by sparse curly red hair. She felt
something strange and looked down, and saw Jack using his hand to rub
his cock against one of Scully’s stocking-clad ankles.

C’mon, Jack. Let’s not make this any weirder than it already is.

“Fuck, you nasty boys are off the hook,” she growled, and put a hand on each boy’s head, urging them to eat her up.

Matt’s face got wetter and wetter as Scully’s pussy rubbed across it.
“Fuck, I need a cock in me!” she growled, stepping away and pulling off
her now-soiled panties.

You know, I’m starting to think that the author might not have the firmest grasp on Scully’s reserved, even-keeled personality.

She threw herself on the bed, a petite redhead now entirely naked except
for her black stockings. She lay on her back on the cheap coverings and
spread her legs, her pussy pink and wet and ready.

“Which of you studs is gonna fuck my sweet pussy first?”

“Actually, I think we’re just going to keep giving each other handjobs for a while, ma’am.”
“But we’re not gay!”

Matt stepped up to Scully, and pulled her hips to the edge of the bed.
He rubbed his cockhead over the slick outer lips of her pussy and then
thrust inward with his hips.

“Uuuungh!” Matt cried out.

“Ooooh!” Scully called, “That’s nice, that’s good. Yes. Yes yes yes.”

“Shit, your pussy’s suckin’ my cock better than your mouth!” Matt
growled and bent forward, bringing his mouth to Scully’s and sharing a
wet kiss.

Because mouths and vaginas are totally indistinguishable, as anyone who has ever experienced oral or vaginal sex in real life knows.

Their tongues battled and probed each other’s mouths. Matt’s
hips built up a steady rhythm plunging in and out of Scully’s pussy as
she wrapped her legs around his back and locked her ankles together.

Jack sat at the side of the bed, stroking his cock and watching the
action. He leaned in and brought his mouth to Scully’s breast, sucking
and nibbling a nipple.

“Mmm, suck my tit,” Scully moaned, and clutched the breast with one
hand. “Mr. Black, why don’t you help Mr. Jones here suck my tit? The
same one. Ungh. Yeah.”

Question: Do you think there’s any chance that Mulder isn’t outside the motel room, peeking in through the window, and masturbating furiously? Yeah, me neither.

Scully held her breast out and the two boys converged on her nipple,
first one sucking it and then the other. Then both flicked their tongues
at it together, bumping tongue-tips and driving Scully wild at the
sight.

Matt pushed his upper body up on his arms and concentrated on his cock
moving in the hot, slippery, quivering confines of Scully’s pussy. “Oh
fuck, here I come.”

“Blow your load baby,” Scully growled, and brought her hand down to play
with her clit. “Yeah, let your cock explode inside my sweet velvet
pussy. Fill the old slut up with your teen jizz.”

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?

Her other hand reached
up to Matt’s shoulder and she ran her nails down his back, biting into
the flesh. “Aaaaaargh!” Matt thrust deep into Scully’s pussy and pumped his semen
into her. Twisting her clit, Scully felt the cock burst in her cunt and
had a little orgasm of her own.

Eyes closed, feeling dizzy, Matt pulled out and rolled off. to the side of the bed.

“C’mon Mr. Jones,” Scully looked at Jack. Though Matt was now curled up
by himself, eyes closed, in post-orgasmic bliss, her lust had only grown
hungrier with fucking. “Sloppy seconds, baby!”

Jack pushed his cockhead against her pink pussy, and a little white cum leaked out. He pushed inward and slipped in easily.

“Ooooh,” Scully shivered. “You like that, you like your cock in my hot little socket, slicked up with your friend’s jizz?”

A pink flush suffused Scully’s pale white skin. She locked her ankles
behind Jack’s back and threw her hands over her head, clutching at the
bed sheets with her fists. Her glossy red lips parted, gasping and
groaning.

It’s rude not to answer, Jack. Do you like your cock in Scully “hot little socket, slicked up with your friend’s jizz”? It’s a simple yes or no question.

Matt, senses regained, looked at the couple fucking, and edged closer.
He fixed his mouth on one of Scully’s breasts, sucking the nipple into
his mouth. Moving lower, Matt traced his tongue down Scully’s taught
stomach, which trembled as Jack pumped in and out of her pussy. Moving
his mouth over her belly button, he spit into it and then sucked it with
his mouth, rimming it with his tongue.

Can you give a rimjob to a belly button? I wouldn’t think you could. Also, if Scully’s vagina and anus are “nasty,” I think we can assume that her belly button is, at the very least, quite lint-y. Also, WHY ON GOD’S GREAT EARTH WOULD YOU EVER SPIT INTO SOMEONE’S BELLY BUTTON AND THEN SUCK IT OUT AAAAUUUUGGGHH

“Oooh, baby,” Scully moaned, “suck my hard little clitty.”

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?I had a rough time deciding between a Maximus pic or some kind of “We Built This Clitty on Rock and Roll” joke. I feel like I made the right choice.

Matt looked downward. A short distance away Jack’s cock pumped between
Scully’s fleshy pussy lips, and right at the top her clit stuck out,
enflamed.

Dear fan fic author; an enflamed clitoris is not erotic, it’s a sign that Scully needs medical attention. And probably a shot of penicillin.

Both Scully and Jack groaned, and Scully used a hand to push downward on
Matt’s head. Matt resisted a bit and then moved towards her pussy, and
extended his tongue to flick at her clit.

“Oooo!” she screamed. “Fuck, I got one little bitch fuckin’ my pussy,
and another little bitch suckin’ my pussy. Ungh-ungh-ungh-“

Scully mimed pulling a truck horn repeatedly. “OWOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAH!” she screamed.

Scully and Jack bucked hard at each other. Matt moved his entire mouth
over Scully’s pussy, sucking down on the top of it, and over where
Jack’s cock pumped in and out. Scully and Jack orgasmed with grunts and
growls, and Matt sucked at their junction.

“Again, even though I’m currently oral pleasuring you and my male friend Jack, and both of your genitalia are currently covered in my own semen, WE’RE NOT GAY. I want to make that abundantly clear.”

“Ungh,” Jack groaned. He’d finished cumming inside Scully and slowly
pulled out, collapsing on the bed beside her. Matt’s mouth moved further
downward, sucking at her leaking pussy.

“Okay, I’m admittedly pretty much just eating a mixture of my and my friend’s semen. I can see why you might think that slightly gay, but I assure you I am not.”

“Oh shit,” Scully said, bringing a hand to her forehead, and helplessly
grinning ear-to-ear. “Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.” Scully spread
her legs wide, giving Matt’s mouth room to suck at her pussy where her
red bush was wet and clung to her skin.

“Feel good?” Jack asked beside her, tracing a finger around her nipple.

“Jesus Christ!” Scully cried, and then gave a big laugh. “This little
bitch is eating my two-boy creampie like it’s his last meal.” She
grabbed Matt’s head by the hair and pushed him further into her sloppy
pussy. Then she grabbed Jack’s head with her other hand and brought his
face close to hers. “He’s eating out your fuckin’ cum. Don’t you think
that’s pretty kinky?”

“Kinky? Yes. Gay. Not at all.”

“You’re fuckin’ kinky,” Jack groaned, and kissed her hungrily. His wet flaccid cock pressed against her side.

Good comeback, Jack.

“You two boys ever suck each other’s cocks?” she asked.

“Oh, constantly. BUT WE’RE NOT GAY.”

“No,” Jack answered, hesitatingly.

“Hmmmm,” Scully half-moaned from Matt’s ministrations. “I think you
should consider it.” She quivered silently as Matt kept lapping at her
pussy. “In fact, you know what? You guys kiss each other and you can
have my ass.”

Matt lifted his head up from Scully’s pussy. His face was wet, smeared with male and female juices.

And belly button lint.

Jack and Matt leaned into each other, over Scully’s body, and shared a
long french kiss, tongues intertwining and swapping spit and cum.

“Holy fucking shit!” Scully’s jaw dropped at the sight. “Talk about your
fuckin’ male slut-bitches!” The two guys broke off, and looked away
from each other sheepishly.

Weird! I was talking about fuckin’ male slut-bitches just the other day! Quelle coincidence!

Scully said, “A promise is a promise,” and turned over onto her elbows and knees, ass in the air.

The sight of her round ass in the air brought the guys together again.
Jack licked and sucked at her asshole while Matt bit and slapped her
asscheeks, and said, “Nasty bitch! We’ll get the best of you! We’re not
done yet!”

“Bring it on, motherfuckers!” she taunted, swung her ass side-to-side in front of their faces.

BRING IT ON 6: THE LEGEND OF SCULLY’S ANUS

“You hear that, man?” Matt asked. “Let’s give it to the bitch!”

“Fuck, look at this,” Jack said. “Look at her ass take my finger.”
Jack’s finger moved in and out of Scully’s puckered asshole. Matt wet a
finger in her pussy and brought it beside Jack’s, and they each worked a
finger in and out of her ass, spreading it open.

“Time to bring out the heavy-duty weapon of ass destruction,” Matt growled, and stroked his cock, which had grown hard again.

Oh, Matt. Let’s not cheapen this beautiful, romantic moment with bad puns.

Matt crouched over her and wet his cock in her pussy with a few strokes,
and then withdrew and pressed his cockhead against her asshole.

“Ow!” Scully jumped away as he tried to press in.

“Fuck, she moved!” Matt growled.

“Here,” Jack said, “just hold her hips, I’ll guide you in.” Matt held
Scully by her hips, and Jack gripped Matt’s cock, pressing it in until
the cockhead disappeared in Scully’s ass. He spit on the shaft for some
extra lubrication, and then bent lower to suck at Scully’s pussylips
while Matt fucker her ass above his head.

Look, people, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, Matt did grab Jack’s dick without being ordered to by Scully. But he was helping Jack fuck Scully in the ass. That’s not gay, that’s just considerate. Consider Matt to be the Good Samaritan of anal.

“Oh fuck!” Scully growled, and clawed at the bedspread. “Fucking motherfucker! FUCK MY ASS, BITCH!”

“Oh God, your ass is fuckin’ clamping my dick!” Matt growled. “It’s
gonna fuckin’ bruise it black and blue!” He pumped his cock in and out
of her ass, pushing deeper on each thrust. “I’m gonna fuckin’ loosen up
your tight little ass.”

Matt and Scully rolled over, so that now Matt was on his back, thrusting
up at Scully. She had her ass impaled on Matt’s cock, and her eyes
bugged out as he grabbed her throat with one hand, pressing him against
her.

Trying to roll over with a dick inside your ass seems like a recipe for anal bleeding. No wonder Scully’s eyes bugged out.

Jack’s hard cock responded to the sight of Scully’s open pussy like a
heat-seeking missile.

Well, heat-seeking missiles are known to get rerouted by vaginas.

He piled on and thrust his cock in, and in a
moment they were a three-person flesh sandwich, writhing and bumping and
grunting.

“Oh you little bitches!” Scully cried out as Matt pumped her ass while
Jack pumped her pussy. “Nasty boys! Nasty, dirty filthy boys. Keep
fucking me! Don’t stop, DON’T STOP!!!”

Both boys bit down on her neck, one at either side, and used their
bodies to slam into Scully until the bed banged against the wall in time
to their violent rhythm and the painting above the bed shook and
clattered. Scully came with a scream, and then the two cocks inside her
exploded as well, and all three crotches became drenched in sex juice.

Really? No anal juice? We should get this dude together with the dude who talked about “anal juices” in that Incredibles fic from a couple of weeks ago, and let them discuss beverages made from the human body. And then nuke them from orbit.

Breathing hard while coming down, Scully slowly and difficultly wormed
her way up, between the two large male bodies. The two soft cocks
slipped out of her, until she crawled higher, worming her body up to
where Matt and Jack rested their heads. Sore, she flipped herself over
until her pussy was in Matt’s face and her ass was open to Jack. She
grabbed their heads and guided their mouths to where she wanted them.

She grumbled as they licked her: “Yeah. Yeah. Fuckin’ bitch boys eat up
each other’s spunk. Yeah. Fuckin’ eat me out right. Ungh. You two fuck a
woman pretty good for a couple of limp-wristed faggots. Mmmm.” Scully
purred. “Yeah, Mr. Black, eat Mr. Jones’ cum from my pussy while Mr.
Jones eats your cum from my ass. Ungh. Nice.”

Just like
pro football players dump Gatorade on their coaches after they win the big
game! It’s just Gatorade made of
semen and vaginal lubricant. Luck, I’m sure it’s full of electrolytes.

Eventually fatigue settled over them and the three naked bodies collapsed entwined on the bed, Scully between the two young men.

Scully’s eyelids slid shut, but a pressure in her bladder wouldn’t let
her rest. She crawled off the bed and walked in unsteady steps to the
bathroom.

Oh, lord.

After she left, Jack and Matt’s bodies began to miss her warm presence.
They looked at each other and grinned as their eyes shone with hunger.

*****

Scully sat naked on the toilet, her urine making a tinkling sound as it
hit the ceramic bowl. She looked down at the floor, her hair hanging
over her eyes, exhausted.

Seeing something out of the corner of her eye, she looked to the side.
There stood Jack and Matt in the doorway, their cocks half-swollen and
getting harder with each throb.

“Look, boys. I know I just made youy give each other handjobs and drink each other’s semen, but really? Coming into the bathroom while I’m peeing? Let’s leave a few boundaries, huh?”

“Fuck, you bastards wore me out,” she chuckled. They walked up to her, letting their cocks dangle in front of her face.

She took a cock in each hand and stroked them gently. “If you guys want
to get off again you’re going to have to fuck each other.”

“But we’re not gay!” exclaimed Matt as Jack’s semen dripped from his face.

Both men groaned as she licked the heads of their cocks, rubbed them over her face, rubbed them against each other.

“Why don’t you two turn around for me? Show me your butts.” They did so.

“Aaaaah!” They sighed as she traced her fingers over their asses, running fingertips over their clenched assholes.

“Mmmm,” she purred, “Mr. Black, why don’t you bend over there, over the side of the tub.” He hesitated. “FBI orders!”

Wasn’t Santa involved in this nonsense at one point? Did I dream it? Am I high?

He did as he was told, his knees on the throw rug, his elbows on the edge of the tub.

Scully got up and crouched down behind him, spreading his cheeks and taking a few bold licks. Matt moaned.

“Mr. Jones,” Scully said, “give me you finger please.” He hesitated. “Gimme, gimmie.”

After everything that’s gone on, it seems almost petty to be annoyed that Scully says “gimme” in two different ways, but I am. I definitely am.

Scully spit on Matt’s asshole, and then took Jeff’s index finger and
pressed it against Matt’s ass. Matt gasped and Jack shivered. Jack
pushed his finger further into his friend’s ass.

“Work it in-and-out!” Scully growled. She pushed Jack’s head closer to
Matt’s ass. “Lick it! Eat it! Ooooh, you boys make my pussy wet!”

Matt closed his eyes and thrust his ass up into the air, resting his
chest on the edge of the tub and bringing back his hands to spread his
ass. Jack crouched behind him, working another finger into Matt’s ass
and getting it dripping wet with his lips and tongue.

“Ooooh,” Scully cooed, and brought her hand down to stroke Matt’s cock,
which hung hard between his legs. “Why don’t you fuck your friend, Mr.
Jones? Do you boys ever play around with each other? Show me.”

Jack lifted his head. “Uh, no. I mean, I don’t know. Uh…”

YOUR FINGER IS IN HIS ASS. YOU CAN OFFICIALLY STOP BEING COY.

“C’mon baby, be my dildo.” Scully grabbed Jack’s cock with her other
hand, and pulled him into position over Matt, his cock pressing against
Matt’s ass. “Fuck some male bitch ass.”

“It’s okay,” Matt muttered, and then louder. “It’s o-okay, man. Fu…Fuck my ass, man. Put your dick in there.”

Jack didn’t waste another second to push his cock in. Thrusting hard,
Matt moved his hands back in front, to push his body back onto Jack’s
cock.

“Ooooh,” Scully’s eyes bulged at the sight, and her free hand ran over her breasts and her pussy.

Wait a second. When did Scully stop peeing? Did she flush? Did she even wash her hands? Gross.

Jack gripped Matt’s hips and with a grimace on his face worked his cock
in and out of Matt’s ass, working it a bit deeper and a bit faster on
each stroke.

“So what do you think, baby?” she asked Jack. “Found a nice new warm place to stick your cock?”

“Yeah, ungh,” he grunted.

“I want you boys to do this all the time now. Whenever you’re horny. Do it in memory of me.”

Well, good luck for Matt and Jack’s heterosexuality! It’s a government order!

Scully slipped away from the boys and walked out of the bathroom. When
she returned the flash of her camera lit up the walls, capturing the two
young men committing sodomy in the small hotel bathroom. Their grunts
echoed off the tiles.

“Technically — *grunt* — Jack, we’re doing this — *unh* — to have sex with — *hunh* — a hot woman!”
“Indeed! — *unh* — From a certain point of view — *grunt* — we’ve never been less gay!”

Fired up, Jack grabbed a fistful of Matt’s hair with one hand, snapping
back Matt’s head. Matt, gasping for breath as Jack’s cock pounded his
ass, just closed his eyes and grunted.

Scully moved in and kissed Jack on the back of the neck. She whispered
in his ear, “See baby, this is what you two should do all the time,
whenever you two fucks are horny. In the school bathroom, in the woods,
everywhere!”

“At home! At fast food restaurants! In the middle of the street! At the grocery! On the stage at Chuck E. Cheese! At church! At gandma’s house! Whenever and wherever!” 

“Ungh, yeah,” Jack grunted. “You gonna…you gonna have to put on some stockings though, Matt.”

Matt just grunted in response.

“And some high heels,” Jack continued, ” and keep your cock and balls in a nice pair of fluffy pink panties.”

“Ungh, yes, Jack, yes.”

“And grow your hair long…umph..and you won’t be Matt, you’ll be Michelle…”

“Yeah, fuck your cock’s so deep in my ass! Work it!”

“And,” Jack huffed, “I want you to have some nice glossy red lipstick,
and paint your lips with it. So you can suck me off…ungh…in your
hot…wet…hot…UUUUUNNNNGGGGHHHH!!!!”

Jack thrust deep and stayed there, cumming, his cock twitching and
shooting deep into Matt’s ass. Matt’s cock, which had been hanging hard
between his legs, bouncing to Jack’s thrusts, shot off when Matt felt
the ecstasy of the warm cum splattering in his bowels. His cum
splattered over the floor and the side of the tub.

The two boys collapsed onto the floor, breathing deeply.

“Hey, Matt?”
“Yeah, Jack?”
“Can we just be gay now?”
“Yes we can, Jack. Yes we can.”

Minutes later, a clickety-clackety sound startled them. They opened
their eyes and saw Scully, again in her leather boots and trench coat.

She strode to them and stood over them, astride their two heads. She
swept up her trench coat around her waist, revealing nothing but skin
underneath, and squatted over their faces.

Drumroll, please…

A stream of urine began to flow from her pussy, onto their faces.
Stunned and exhausted, it took a moment for Jack and Matt to close their
eyes.

I can safely say I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired that I couldn’t close my eyelids. But then I’ve never had Gillian Anderson piss on my face, so who am I to talk?

Knowing they could do nothing to stop her, they relented and opened
their mouths wide, sticking out their tongues, feeling the hot, bitter
liquid splatter on their skin and begin to make a puddle on the floor
tiles.

After she finished, Scully quietly stood up and walked away, smoothing down her trench coat.

At the door to the bathroom she turned and looked back.

“Remember boys,” she said, “Don’t fuck with the FBI.”

-THE END-

What? What the fuck? Why was Santa involved in this at all? Why does the FBI care about keeping Santa a secret? Where the fuck was Mulder during all this? If Matt just wanted to write a story about fucking his friend Jack, why go through all this Scully nonsense? Did he think the Scully-fucking somehow disguised his lust for Jack? Did he think it needed to be mitigated? Matt, buddy, if you want to have sex with men, that’s fine. Seriously. What’s not fine is wasting everybody’s time by writing the world’s least authentic representative of Agent Scully from The X-Files, ever.
Oh well. At least this story captured the holiday spirit, assuming Scully pissing on the faces of two teenage boys she’s just forced to have anal sex with each other is a part of your holiday tradition. And if it isn’t… well, IT IS NOW.

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About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.