The second trailer for Battleship came out last Friday, and since it’s a movie based on a board game, I didn’t fucking care if I waited three days to post it and neither should you. Clearly, it’s a movie where director Peter Berg is trying to out-Bay Michael Bay, which is a game where we all lose. The sad thing is that it looks like it could be a dumb, fun action movie — assuming Berg doesn’t include pot-addled moms or humping dogs into the mix, or whatever their naval equivalent is — except that it’s based on a goddamn board game, which makes it feel even dumber than it is already. Seriously, if it had been called War at Sea or something generic, I probably would see it which only minor shame. But to see a movie based on this?
Nope. Can’t do it. Because I know at some point in this film, someone will actually yell “YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP!” to a goddamn alien and I refuse to willingly allow myself to subject myself to that.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.