Avengers: Earth’s Smelliest Heroes

stank avengers.jpg

?Since this seems to be the “why the fuck not?” era of movie merchandising, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to learn that the live-action Avengers movie has its own cologne line coming out, but I kind of am. I mean, if you had told the 12-year-old me that not only would the Avengers have a real movie coming out in 2012, but there would also be Avengers perfumes for sale, his head would have exploded. Here are the six available scents:

? Infinity Formula Cologne

Colonel Nicholas “Nick” Fury. Paratrooper, Ranger, Weapons and Demolitions Expert, Aircraft Specialistand Pilot, Green Beret. Veteran of every US War and Military Conflict since WWII. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. “The single most powerful, most important organization on the planet Earth.” And the only human strong enough to bring together a group of remarkable people who would fight the battles no one else could.

? Patriot Cologne

A cologne that pays homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard working average Joe in every man. PATRIOT Cologne is both reserved and sexy; like a symbol on a shield or a moniker ona motorcycle helmet. Fresh notes of green lime and white pepper are the first to hit with dry oak wood, sandalwood and tequila accords finishing the adventure. Perfect for any time or place, PATRIOT Cologne puts the Novus Mundus in your strong, sensuous hands for you to embrace and discover.

? Mark VII Cologne

A resolutely sophisticated cologne forged from the sea, the sun, the earth, and a touch of devil-may-care whimsy. Transparent, aromatic, and modern in nature, Mark VII combines mandarin, neroli, nasturtium and jasmine layered with light patchouli to create a contemporary expression of “I don’t play well with others” confidence; leaving you always ready for whatever a genius, billionaire, playboy-philanthropist might encounter along the way.


Very unusual and rare materials have been brought together to create a woody aquatic cologne evoking both a serene sense of timeless freedom and a single-minded, unbridled passion for life. Yuzu, bergamot and tarragon create clean, clear top notes along with unexpected accords of water lily and nutmeg. SMASH! then carries an intense woody drydown enriched with Indian sandalwood, vetiver, musk and sharp cedar. Complimentary to a full range of emotions, it wears well no matter where-at work, the lab or an evening out on the town.

? Worthy Cologne

This woody citrus cologne is a unique, meaningful combination of bergamot, frozen ginger and wheatgrass blended with a hint of fresh natural grapefruit and layered deeply with aromatic cypress. Basenotes are possessed with sensual, seductive tones of dark amber and cedarwood, protecting and enhancing a deep, dry masculine (dare we say almost God-like?) musk.

? Mischief

Possessed of Superhuman strength, Genius-level intelligence, Mystical powers, Telepathy, Flight, Clairvoyance, Therianthropy, and Teleportation… who could blame you for becoming the greatest trickster of them all? So wear your crown of baleful maleficence with pride; let mirth and mayhem stand ready at your side, anticipating your every command. Test their mettle knowing you have nothing to fear; you are Mischief and you were made to rule.

Admittedly, even at age 34, my head is still kind of exploding here. The colognes will be $60, but don’t appear to be for sale quite yet. Meanwhile, I can’t help but wonder what scents the other Avengers might have. For instance, I imagine Hawkeye smelling of Old Spice, bowstring oil, and being stuck in the second tier. A Black Widow perfume that smells like Scarlett Johansson’s jumpsuit would probably sell well, at least among perverts. Doctor Druid’s cologne would be patchouli, old D&D sourcebooks and failure. And Spider-Woman, of course, would smell like Brian Michael Bendis’ ejaculate. You guys got any others? (Via Nerd Bastards)