Fan Fiction Friday: “PokeAccident”

?I kind of blew my writing wad earlier today when I went on my tirade about my local Fox station’s report on how comics that aren’t for kids can mess up your kids when they’re given to your kids by moronic news reporters, so I hope you’ll forgive me if today’s FFF is a bit on the short side. There is a little bonus at the end that you won’t want to miss, though, so please bear with me. Today’s story comes to us from Explorertotodile, who wrote this sex-less story about Charizard where… you know, let’s just start.

Let me tell you a story that starts with my Charizard, one where he wets
himself on a bus. ever since this accident happened he has hardly ever
made it to the bathroom dry. But let me talk about him first, he wears
fingerless gloves with a poke-ball on them, he also wears Toeless socks
with a pokeball on them as well! He hates games made by LJN, and hates
it when he has to pee and he can’t go, especially when he’s about to wet
himself any minute, he talks, and is sometimes impatient, he is at his
worst mood when badly wet, but likes to drink lots, Now lets get to the
story!

Okay. Let’s immediately take a break and try and figure this insanity out. Charizard is riding a bus. Okay, that seems unusual in the world of Pok?mon, but not implausible. But then he’s wearing fingerless gloves and toeless socks, which baffles me. Pok?mon don’t generally wear clothes, and toeless socks sound like the dumbest garment ever. Who would wear toeless socks? More importantly, who would wear toeless socks without shoes… on a bus? And why would a dragon wear toeless socks without shoes… on a bus?

More insanely, Charizard apparently hates LJN videogames, which is weird because 1) LJN is a real videogames company, not one from the Pok?mon universe and 2) LJN went out of business in 1994. Is this taking place in the real world? In the past? With a Charizard who rides buses and wears dumb socks and pisses himself so constantly the author feels the need to explain that wetting his pants puts him in his “worst” mood? What the fuck? Why? Why? WWHHHHHHYYYYYYY. Well, none of this will be answered after the jump.

I was getting ready for the meeting with Curtis Malinowski and his
Buizel. It was about who would join the gang and fly to Ukraine, a land
full of sports, it was hot outside, so everyone was drinking Budwiser,
But not as much as Charizard, he was drinking rapidly, bottle after
bottle, Maybe 12-15? Maybe not?

Curtis Malinowski is a Canadian con artist sentenced in 2002. Buizel is a water-type Pok?mon who looks like a sea weasal and doesn’t mind hanging out with Canadian con artists, apparently. I have no idea why Curtis and Charizard would want to go to the Ukraine, or why they believe it is “a land full of sports,” and I especially don’t know why anyone would drink 12-15 bottles of Budweiser willingly.

Any which way, he finished his
drinking race and I asked him if he needed to use the toilet, he did, I
wanted to see what happened if he wet himself, and that is why i could
hear him shout “SHIT! The door is locked?” I smirked as i peeped at
Charizard trying to open the door, swearing as he did so, I asked him if
he could wait, he said “Oh man, if only.” I said to him “Maybe you can
wait until we get there?”

Note: If you have ever wanted to see what would happen if your friend wet himself, you are a terrible fucking friend. Also, he would wet himself. That’s what would happen. Mystery solved.

He said “Look kid, it’s 5 miles, Leeds to Bradford, I can’t even wait until London.”

Oh shit, they’re in England?! And they’re drinking Budweiser? That’s almost as wrong as when that robot triple-fucked the kid from Real Steel. Almost.

I said “Give it a shot!”

He
said “Give a shot? Well, I think its time i did, Alright, if i wet
myself in the bus, You will pay me 15 bucks kid. You got it?”

These are the kind of bets that people who drink 15 Budweisers in England make.

I
said “Okay!” As i had 825 bucks, 55 times then that!

This utterly arbitrary detail brought to you by: A calculator

So we got in the
bus, I started my Stopwatch on my Jailbroken iPod Touch 3G as soon as
soon as Charizard put his foot in the bus. His challenge of holding it
in until Bradford started. He sat down next to me. We sit in the front
on the second floor. I also own a Raikou, a Dragonite, a Pidgeotto, an
Articuno and a Grovyle.

Charizard asked me “This is gonna end fast
right?” I said yes, Like i said, Charizard really hates it when he has
to pee and he can’t go, especially when he’s about to wet himself any
minute, the only time thats happened to him to that was when he had to
pee and we were stuck in Tokyo’s Traffic and he forgot to use the
bathroom and limit his drinking, he was in tears a little, he had his
hand jammed between his crossed legs, it was raining, and even though he
made it, he did spring a leak when he was at the bathroom door.

Does… does the author have a concussion? 

Anyway,
Charizard was trying to forget that day, and ever since he has
remembered to limit himself to drinks, but each time he forgot he got
worse and worse at holding it in, and this day was the day that finally
made his bladder explode.

Well, when you forget to remember to forget to remember, you have to expect to piss your pants a little.

Charizard nudged me, I looked at him, he
asked me “Hey kid, How far am i through the test?” I showed him, We had
only gone 5 minutes, Charizard was suprised, even after that accident
in Tokyo he would be happy to make it in Triumph through a 1 hour trip
to Bradford, “55 minutes to go! Yeah!” He said.

Here’s how fundamentally insane this story is: even though Charizard has to urinate immediately, and is already in danger of pissing himself, he’s still somehow happy that he “only” has 55 minutes before he use the bathroom. THAT MAKES ZERO SENSE EVEN IN TERMS OF THE FUNDAMENTALLY INSANE PREMISE OF THIS FAN FICTION.

Then Pidgeotto
flew to me from downstairs, he asked me who was driving? I said we had
autopilot on!

what

Pidgeotto sat on the right seat of the right side of the
bus, Pidgeotto asked Charizard about his fast bathroom trip, Charizard
said “I was in a bit of a rush Pidgeotto, its no big deal.” But it was,
he had drank so much Budwiser and he was unable to use the bathroom,
then Pidgeotto said he was just going downstairs for somthing.

Charizard
said to me “Should i tell him?” I said no, Pidgeotto is incapable of
keeping a secret, if he did, they would all go upstairs to watch
Charizard wet himself, but a naughty part of me wanted me to tell
pidgeotto the truth, but little did i know that Charizard would ask me
so many times to check the time.

Because Charizard asking what the time is repeatedly has some bearing on how I wanted to tell Pidgeotto about Charizard’s bladder woes but didn’t and what the fucking fuck

Its 10 minutes into the Car trip.
Charizard was now tapping his foot, Now i realised that Charizard
wasn’t gonna have a bright trip, because each time he needs to pee, his
day goes from GOOD to AWFUL, I use a percentage meter, when it hits 100%
They start to wet themself, and with Charizard it was still a 5%, easy
to manage.

This kid is waaaay too into Charizard pissing himself.

Charizard asked me “What time is it, kid?” It was only
10 minutes in, Charizard sighed, i could tell that Budwiser was getting
to him, because when he taps his foot, I know he has to use the
bathroom, he doesent know that i know when he’s gotta go, like now he
doesen’t know that I know whats wrong.

15 minutes through and
Charizards already staring at my stopwatch, I asked him whats wrong, he
said “You won’t tell anyone right?” I said no, He said “I gotta go use
the Restroom really bad.” He said as he tapped his foot to keep his mind
off his bladder. As he had 45 minutes to wait, his percentage meter
rose by 3%, now My misson was 8% complete.

Am I going insane? I feel like reading this story is actually driving me insane. It’s like Cthulhu without the horror — I’m looking at these words and I’m not scared, but I can actually feel my sanity slipping away.

20 minutes and
Charizard is tapping his foot faster, Charizard is moving on to double
digits as his meter rose by 7%, 15% now, he is now asking me if we were
getting anywhere, I said we were in London. He knew he was screwed as
traffic is heavy in there, but we went past in a breeze.

25
minutes gone and Charizard is already wanting to use the restroom. I
tried to help him take his mind off his aching bladder by opening the
window to let the sun in, Some breeze came in through the window and
making Charizard Shiver, therefore increasing his meter by 8%, my chance
of seeing Charizard wet himself was 23% now,

DUDE. GET. ANOTHER. HOBBY.

Charizard looked
bored, and we were past Londen and into Edinbrugh, where it was raining.
Now Charizard is used to rain, but he was now horrified to see it
raining, it increased his need heavily by 15%, 38% of his meter were
full , Charizard really didn’t see this coming at all, he tried to
ignore it, but the rain was loud, making it hard to do so.

All the sexiness of a fictional cartoon dragon pissing itself, but with all the fun of math!

Halfway
there and Charizard’s now squirming and fidgeting, the rain worsened in
the past 5 minutes pushed him to 50%, 2% added every now and then,
Charizard was mad at me for making him do this, he said “Shit, why the
fuck did you make me do this?” I said “Why are you asking? Its because
you told me to.” He realised that was the truth and said “Shit! Why did i
even agree to the dare in the first place?” I stared at Charizard as he
Squirmed and Fidgeted to stop himself from changing the seat colour
from grey to dark yellow.

The sudden capitalization of squirmed and fidgeted disturbs me deeply.

We’ve gone past 35 minutes and Charizard
is wanting to give up and I knew because he asked me for a cup to pee
in. We were in Manchester and Charizard is already attracting attention
to himself. Pidgeotto came back to see why the bus was shaking a little,
then he realised that it was Charizard, The desprate-to-pee dragon,
Pidgeotto stared at him, realising why he was quick in the bathroom, he
couldn’t go, and his meter was 60% full, Pidgeotto smirked at Charizard
as he realised that he had to go to the restroom. Then flew back
downstairs.

GOD PIDGEOTTO YOU’RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE thought the boy who had devised an elaborate system to measure his dragon friend’s lack of bladder control. Also, I full expect “The Desperate-to-Pee Dragon” to end up on NickToons in 2013.

40 minutes, gone, Charizard’s meter, 70% full,
Charizard had all eyes on his bladder, We were going past the worst
school in the world in westwood way, West Oaks School. After we went
past that, we went into Weatherby, here, It started to rain heavily,
giving Charizard Several waves of Desperation, Charizard couldn’t hide
his Desperation any longer and crossed his legs and jammed his hands
between his legs, his Meter was 75% full.

The Environment used Waves of Desperation on Charizard’s Bladder! It’s kind of effective!

45 minutes left and
Charizard is sweating like mad. Charizard said “A-alright, kid, If i
w-wet myself, you remember what you have to give me r-right?” I said
“Yes, 15 bucks, what else?” Charizard said “Y-yeah, nothing else!
Please, if i spring a leak, that will be gonna be 7 bucks okay!” I said
okay.

Charizard really undervalues his pantswetting. I bet Pidgeotto would have given him $20.

50 minutes and Charizard starts to sit on his tail, he
curves his tail it in a way so the flame on the end doesn’t go out.
Charizard’s meter grows by 15%, leaving him with a 90% full meter.
Charizard now dug his claws into his crotch to ease the pain. He was on
the verge of wetting himself

CAN WE PLEASE SKIP AHEAD TO THE PEEING

55 minutes through the hour and
Charizard is already trying to keep it clean for the last five minutes.
“Wait, What time is it.” We saw it, 55 minutes through, Charizard sighed
and said “Wow, I did i…” but was unable to finish his sentance as the
bus jerked and Charizard Sprung a leak, Dampening his fingerless gloves
and staining the seat, “No! I made this far, I c-can’t g-give u-up!” He
said as he tried to stop the leak.

Put your finger in the hole! No, wait, better not do that.

“Charizard you’re almost there!
Don’t give up!” He stopped it, He was on a 98% meter now. Two more and
he’s done for. Then he pushed his hands on his crotch. Signaling he was
about to explode. Tears started to flow down his cheeks as he said
“K-kid, I don’t think I can wait…” I said “Listen, Charizard Don’t
just throw it away. Keep it up!”

“Don’t just throw that urine away! Save if for a toilet that’ll really appreciate it!”

Bradford at last, but we were
stuck in traffic. Charizard springs another leak, soaking his fingerless
gloves more, staining more of the chair, and wetting his tail a bit,
Charizard was 1% away from wetting himself.

The traffic was slow
as god knows ‘s meter was at 99% full, he was on the verge on peeing
himself for the first time in ages, He looked at me and said “There’s no
doubt about it, I’m gonna wet myself no matter what.” I said “Don’t
worry, look! The traffics clearing up!” I was right, it was all cleared
up.

?

Going right to the double facepalm for this paragraph. “The traffic was awful! Look, the traffic cleared up! DERP BURP BE DURP.”

We saw the gates of the meeting area. Charizard sighed in
relief that he made it with minor wetting. But as soon as the gates
opened, he said “Urf. C-can’t hold it, any, longer”, the car jerked. He
roared in anger as his floodgates bashed open and pee gushed out of him.
Charizard’s meter reached 100%, he had wet himself, he was shocked to
make it so far then lose control of his bladder and explode, It took him
until they parked to finish emptying his bladder.

Please note: Of this 1972-word story, 1796 words of it were pure build-up to the peeing. Say what you want, but Explorertotodile has a vision, and a commitment to that vision.. of a Pok?mon pissing himself.

When he
finished, he looked at himself, his Fingerless gloves and the bottom of
his toeless socks were drenched and stained yellow, his seat had stained
a dark yellow.

AAAAAAAA WHY IS HE WEARING TOELESS SOCKS

He had a yellow puddle beneeth his feet. Pidgeotto came
back. And laughed at Charizard. I said “Lets see it happen to you then!”
He flew back after I said that. Charizard cried as he hugged me, I
hugged him back as I could feel the warmth of Charizard’s fingerless
gloves.

?

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKTOASTERS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT “THE WARMTH OF HIS FINGERLESS GLOVES” YOU GODDAMNED LUNATIC

I gave him the 15 bucks i promised him.

“Heh he heh!” thought Charizard to himself as urine dripped down his thighs. “Easiest 15 bucks I ever made.”

In the waiting
room of the meeting Pidgeotto tried to get in the bathroom but he
couldn’t because the door was locked. I knew this was gonna happen, and i
was excited to see him wet himself.

Well, that goes without saying.

TO BE CONTINUED

THERE’S MORE! Well, in Explorertotodile’s head; alas, he’s not yet written chapter 2 of his Charizard pissing himself opus. In all honesty, since Charizard does indeed piss himself in chapter 1, I’m not 100% what could happen next without the author repeating himself. Also, when you have a chapter 1 as strong as this, you hardly need to continue it. 

If you were disappointed by the lack of sex, tough titty — if you don’t find the idea of someone spending that much time and effort to write about a Pok?mon wetting his pants insane enough, well, god help you. If it makes you feel any better I promise this is not his only story.

Oh! I almost forgot! This should help any lingering disappoinment, too — a video of Ralph Fieennes reading erotic Harry Potter fan fiction. Behold:

Shoulda gone with “Squick,” Ralph. It would have been the evil thing to do. (Via via The Mary Sue)