Bad Touch for Sale

While many, many people have sent me the horror that is the Avatar Reborn Na’vi Baby from eBay — and boy, do I hate you people and wish you would stop — sadly, Topless Roboteer Chuck G. has found something even more terrifying, at least to me:

bad touch glove.jpg

?Yes, it’s the official E.T. hand, complete with glowing finger (I assume the glow helps pedophiles find their victims in their unlit basements). If you want to wear a giant hand that looks like its made entirely our of scrotum skin and go around touching people, you now have the option — and when the police allow you your one phone call, you can even “phone home”! You can order it here; if you do so, please email me your address so I can beat you to death with a hammer.