Merchandise, Movies

Bad Touch for Sale


While many, many people have sent me the horror that is the Avatar Reborn Na’vi Baby from eBay — and boy, do I hate you people and wish you would stop — sadly, Topless Roboteer Chuck G. has found something even more terrifying, at least to me:

bad touch glove.jpg

?Yes, it’s the official E.T. hand, complete with glowing finger (I assume the glow helps pedophiles find their victims in their unlit basements). If you want to wear a giant hand that looks like its made entirely our of scrotum skin and go around touching people, you now have the option — and when the police allow you your one phone call, you can even “phone home”! You can order it here; if you do so, please email me your address so I can beat you to death with a hammer.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.