Best Crossovers That Never Happened, Sponsored by 604 Republic: And the Winners Are…

?There were a lot of great entries in this weekend’s contest, sponsored by the fine folks of 604 Republic and their fine nerd shirts. So great, in fact, many of them actually hurt because they don’t and/or won’t exist. Even with the bounty of five 604 Republic shirts to give away, there were still so many more folks who could easily have won them — but you’ll see after the jump.

When honor crossed over with mentions, these entries were the results:

Hgralb:

Kindergarten Time Cop

VindicaSean:

Iron Man/Batman vs. OWS: 1% Heroes.
Synopsis: think of a three-part story, that’s just the two eponymous wealthy heroes acting out the riot scene from Watchmen. Hi-damn-larious.

skrag2112:

Samurai Pizza Swat Kats.
Chip And Dales Rescue Power Rangers.
CSI: Regular Show.

Xerodo:

Metroid and the Alien series. Metroid was inspired by alien, so it makes sense. Not only would aliens make great things to kill for someone like Samus, but you’d also get aliens interacting with all of the weird creatures in the Metroid universe. Since aliens (apparently, they kind of go back and forth on it) are supposed to look like what they infect, that would make some awesome looking aliens. Imagine some weird hovering alien-metroid hybrid floating around and trying to attack people with it’s triple mouth or whatever it might have.

DJRM:

Pokemon crossover with Final Fantasy VII featuring a special appearance by Italian Spiderman.
Ash Ketchum is looking for new pokemon trainers to test his skills against when he comes across Sephiroth. Ash challenges him to a Pokemon battle without thinking and this results in Pikachu getting stabbed and writhing in pain. It looks like Ash is about to die when Italian Spiderman jumps in and punches Sephiroth out. He then proceeds to punch Ash Ketchum out. ITALIAN SPIDERMAN WINS!!!

mythbri:

The Superventural Bros:
No, wait! Hear me out: Sam and Dean Winchester follow a case and happen to meet up with Hank, Dean and Rusty Venture (accompanied by Swedish Murder Machine Brock Samson and faithful H.E.L.P.eR.). Hijinks ensue, Dean W. and Brock get into a pissing contest about who loves Led Zeppelin more. They get into a fight over which car is the awesomest, Adrian or the Impala. There’s hilarious confusion when someone says “Dean!” and both Dean W. and Deanie V. look up and say “What?” Both pairs of brothers come away feeling “Man, that family is fucked up!”

Rose_Tyler:

The contest on our versions of nerd heaven made me realize how much I want a Sherlock/Fringe crossover.
Possible story:
Lestrade & Co come across a strange situation– a man whose body is found in an alley has no discernible cause of death (the ME declares that the man is “Completely alive and well, except for the obvious fact that he’s DEAD.”)– and call in Sherlock and John. A man who looks identical to the deceased is seen hours later entering a derelict building Mycroft’s people have been watching for ages due to “unusual” activity. Holmes the Elder starts poking around and receives a call from the director of the FBI: he’s sending a special team known as Fringe Division across the pond. And Mycroft is all “Dude, I AM the British Government, so your team totally has to let my brother in on this, okay?”
A madcap adventure/mystery ensues, involving shapeshifters, clever deductions, government cover-ups, and a strange camaraderie between Dr. Bishop and Sherlock (who doesn’t, however, like the fact that John seems to get along quite well with Peter and flirts endlessly with Olivia). Also, Lestrade is a badass and everybody loves him.
So…yeah. I want a multiple-episode story arc of these two shows.

Second entry: Quantum Leap crossover with Downton Abbey
One of Sam’s leaps takes him to Post-WWI England, where he happens to be a valet that’s been convicted of murdering his first wife: Mr. John Bates. Sam has to find a way to fix this mess and get Bates home to Anna before it’s too late.
….I think maybe I’m the only person in the world who would want to see this. But I would watch the hell out of it.

Reiphil:

Cowboy Bebop & Firefly crossover.
Synopsis: The Bebop team is sent to find River Song and Spike encounters more than he can handle in a pissed off Malcolm Reynolds.

Bill Nye, the Science Guy meets the MythBusters.
Synopsis: Bill Nye tests myths with the MythBusters but quickly learns how the scientific process is actually never used and their malformed hypotheses are never fully tested before they come up with a solution. Bill Nye uses science to kill the MythBusters…

Gla-DoS uses Sliders as test subjects
Synopsis: Aperture science picks up Sliders portal technology and new test subjects are brought in from alternate realities…

Ridureyu:

Marvel vs. Capcom, the Paul Dini animated series.
Both crossovers (DCvC, too) would take the same approach to “serious/adult” situations. i.e., Morrigan would fit in just fine, even though the show wouldn’t hide what she was. it wuldn’t have to be EXPLICIT, per se. Likewise, people like Ryu or Mike Haggar would be able to contribute just fine – remember how many third-stringers in the DC universe got to shine? What I am imagining is a fangasm brought to life.

Sum Ellis Ock:

He-Man and the Masters of Soulcalibur…
The plot of soulcalibur (evil sword/good sword… something something power) is so similar to the Pre-Filmation Era of MOTU… Obvious Choice.

Arachnophobe:

CSI: Death Note

AlgusUnderdunk:

Punch-Out!! / Silent Hill: Silent Hill: Fistcoming.
When Little Mac receives a despondent e-mail from former heavyweight champion Mr. Sandman, he and Doc Louis attempt to seek him out worried about the tone of the letter. Their search leads them to the town of Silent Hill, where Little Mac soon finds himself going head to head with an onslaught of gruesome monsters that he must beat the crap out of in order to reach Mr. Sandman, or whatever Mr. Sandman has become. Doc Louis provides commentary. “C’mon Mac, show Pyramid Head that you know ALL the angles!”

Dillon J.:

It’s the obvious one, the one that never was but always should have been: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Daredevil. Go look it up. The TMNT were given an origin that was meant to tie into the origin of Daredevil. The accident Matt Murdock gets into that blinds him is the same one that causes the turtles to mutate from the ooze. Now, when they’re all grown up and super heroes, have them meet again in Hell’s Kitchen and fight the Hand and the Foot together. Ultimately we see them have to battle Shredder, who has been working with Kingpin, for the sake of getting his hands on the ooze. Over time the turtles and Matt realize they are connected and they come together to squash the ninjas. Tell me seeing Raphael fight Elektra in a sai vs. sai battle wouldn’t be amazing.

Hellboy and the Ghostbusters. Now that Hellboy’s dead this is the perfect time. After the obvious conflict when the guys try to capture Hellboy’s ghost but can’t because he’s Hellboy, he winds up having to help them fight some huge nasty spirit that’s been haunting people. Hellboy and Venkman make jokes, they catch the ghost, and Hellboy disappears to take care of other matters in the afterlife.

Darthbogus:

In one devastating move, Hydra have captured all of the New York Super Heroes and in command of the Helicarrier. The free world is all but lost, the only hope for the world is an shoeless EX New York cop named John McClane Agent of S.H.E.I.L.D.

Starman:

1. Red Shoe Diaries / Californication / X-Files – We find out that Fox Mulder went into hiding and has been using the alias Jake Winters. Years of confronting supernatural weirdness finally made Mulder snap and develop MPD. In the end, it turns out all the erotic stories he’s been recieving were written and mailed to him by his other personalities. And most of them came from a man named Hank Moody.

2. The Never-Ending Story/Labyrinth – The Goblin King invades Fantasia. ‘Nuff Said.

The Conjurer of Cheap Trick:

A Song Of Programs and Users: Game of Thrones/Tron/Tron Legacy crossover. That’s all I have to say.

Lars T:

John Carter of Dune.

Jim Culver:

The Punisher and Batman debate the death penalty.

Lumberjack:

Kurt Russell reprises his three greatest roles in John Carpenter’s The Thing Escapes From Little China.

Exileman:

Red Dwarf Meets Futurama! The Planet Express crew gets a job to deliver a package to Lister and his crew. I can just imagine Lister and Fry bonding over the whole “Frozen till eveyone you’ve ever known is dead” thing.

zlgames:

Green Hornet meets Batman.
I know, it’s alrwady been done before…..on Adam West’s 60’s Batman show. HOWEVER, This one would be a modern day movie mash up, with Seth Rogen’s Green Hornet and Jay Chou’s Kato, and Christian Bale’s Batman.
When Bruce Wayne travels from Gotham to GH’s city, to visit a friend, however on his arrival, Wayne finds his friend dead, with a Green Hornet calling card on him. Doing some digging, he finds that Green Hornet is an up and coming underworld criminal. Batman must avenge the death of his friend.Upon finding the green Hornet, he finds Kato to be quite the martial artist…having an epic martial arts showdown with Kato. Green Hornet terrified as shit of Batman, and secretly loving what the Dark Knight has done for vigilatism, unveils that he is in fact Britt Reid, and that Green Hornet acts bad, to get inside with the badguys. After interrogatting Britt on the death of his friend, Kato reveals in fact, he was a corrupt politician. Britt wants to team up with Batman to take down another powerful leader. Batman reluctantly accepts. Batman can’t believe the ineptitude of Green Hornet, and can’t believe even more Kato is the side kick.

Caperguy:

Freddy’s nightmare at Xavier’s School for gifted youngsters
While invading the dreams of one of the last teenagers on Elm Street, Freddy finds out that this outcast is being send to a special school for gifted children, seeing this as an opportunity Freddy uses this child as a vessle to transport him to new hunting grounds. Once there Freddy disposes of his vessel and begins to prey on the student body, however early on as he is about to kill a student a voice from behind speaks “I’m sorry but you’re not allowed here”. Freddy spins in surprise as a bald man in a wheel chair scowls at him and grasps his wrist. Freddy suddenly feels himself being pulled from his world, he finds himself somewhat disoriented laying on a hardwood floor. Rising he sees a short silhouette in the doorway, he hears a “snik” sounds and a gruff voice say “So you like to play with claws huh bub?”

Lars T:

Ferris Bueller’s Day of the Dead “The dead move pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you’ll join them.”

Rolandtower:

The Room and Manos the Hands of Fate!
Johnny, his beautiful girlfriend Lisa, their adopted son Denny and their pet Doggy go out to stay at a lodge owned by the mysterious Master. All the dialogue is over dubbed, the line “Oh Hai Torgo” is said aloud and the Master shares his portrait with a spoon

Citizenzero080:

Nazg?l Muyo! – or – No Need For Nazg?l! The Witch-King of Angmar was just a normal 17 year old wizard until he accidentally releases the Space Pirate Ryoko and turning his life upside down. 4 other alien girls show up and now the Witch-King must deal with 5 girls who not only are romantically interested in him, but are also the only things that are able to kill him! Jackie Estacado is the wacky neighbor that lives in the apartment downstairs.

Daniel Dean:

Aperture Psychonauts. “Cave Johnson here. Welcome to Aperture’s psychic testing facility, where we put the pathos back in telepathy. You’re here because you’re the best, and also because zoning this facility as a summer camp means there’s no pesky slavery laws to deal with. During your stay you’ll undergo team-building exercises, solve some puzzles, make some friends, and handle sensitive billion dollar equipment because your fingers are small enough to work the buttons. Here you can pick the minds of the finest scientists, astronauts, explorers and circus acrobats Aperture Science could find, using a liberal enough definition of ‘find.’ Graverobbing is an ugly word, but you tell me: when you’re swimming around in Pablo Picasso’s noodle to learn how to solve the puzzle that leads you to Oppenheimer’s medula oblongata, is that monstrous or is it educational. Trick question: science is always both. So have fun, settle in, and *kszzzzt*”
“oH. tHere yOu aRe. aNd yOu’ve fOund @ pOrtal gUn. tHat wIll sAve uS sOme tIme. cAn yOu gUess wHat i’M tHinking rIght nOw? tHat’s rIght. tIme fOr tEsting.”

GeekGirlND:

1) The Wardens send Harry Dresden to investigate a large vampire uprising in Sunnydale, CA. There he meets the young Slayer, Buffy Summers. The snarky comments as they fight bad guys is unbelievable.

2) The Torchwood gang (pre- end of season two) travel to Ohio to convince a group of aliens from Transsexual, Transylvania to leave Earth and go home. Owen gives Rocky a physical and pronounces him “mostly human.” Tosh fixes the transit beam. Gwen tries to convince Columbia to leave the castle and rejoin her fellow Earthlings. Jack and Frank’n’Furter spend the whole episode in a bedroom.

Ayumi09:

Juno and Alien. That is all.

The Goon vs. Jason Voorhees:
Lonely Street is a far stretch from Crystal Lake, but nothing can stop Jason Voorhees when he’s on a mission. But what business does this hockey mask killer have? Who called him here? And for what? The Goon could care less about that crap! All he sees is a walking pin cushion (or knife cushion) and that’s a challenge. This guy wont go down, no matter how many “knife to the eye” ‘s Frankie can dish out!

Matt Wells:

Big Trouble with Buckaroo Banzai in Little China: Across the 8th Dimension.
The Hong Kong Cavaliers are on tour in San Francisco when Hanoi Xan and the World Crime League resurrects the spirit of Lo Pan as a Jiang Shi, the Chinese vampire. Allying ancient Daoist sorcery with Lectroid technology, our uncomfortably Yellow Peril villains seek to conquer the world, and famous Rock Star/Neurosurgeon/Superhero Buckaroo Banzai must stop them at all costs.
His only hope lies in the only mortal to ever best Lo Pan, the great hero Jack Burton! But Jack has been missing for quite some time, and the IRS and twelve assorted ex-wives are eager to find him first! Along for the ride are street wise magician Egg Shen and newlywed badass Wang Chi, eager to find their friend (“WE ARE IN HIS DEBT! HE SHOWED GREAT COURAGE!!”)
Just what has become of Jack? Will our favourite deconstruction of 80’s masochism and Mighty Whitey heroes bumble his way to victory once more? Will Buckaroo finally get revenge for the death of his parents and wife Peggy? Will the 2000 year old Mage King finally get his freak on with a girl with Green Eyes? And just what the hell is the deal with the Watermelon anyway?
Watch our heroes shake the Pillars of Heaven in the genre busting crossover too awesome to ever exist! If nothing else, it’ll be worth it for the scene where they hook up the oscillation overthruster to the Pork Chop Express.

David Coates:

Adam West Batman and Shatner Kirk. They just search for girls and get drunk, which leads to Batman teaching Kirk the Batusi.

Michael Weyer:

When Dr. Miguleto Lovelss’ latest scheme threatens the entire Western
part of America, the Lone Ranger, Tonto, Zorro, Jim West, Artemus Gordon
and Brett Maverick are called upon by the United States government to
bring order to the West before it starts a new Civil War.

Istanbul82:

The League of Extraordinary Anthropomorphic Gentlemen featuring Fox McCloud, Howard the Duck, Rocket Raccoon, Bucky O’Hare, DangerMouse, Detective Chimp, Ch’p, Dynomutt, and Spider-Ham with their human sidekick Squirrel Girl.

Dancore:

There’s a nerd property that I absolutely love that I don’t see mentioned much: The Starriors. The toys were cool, and the Marvel comics were excellent. The story went something like this: solar flares force man to go underground, so they build a giant battlestation to protect them and some other robots (only a handful) to protect the planet, the Protectors and Destructors. Millennia go by, and eventually, the Starriors create their own society with the Destructors enslaving the Protectors. The Destructors leader, Slaughter Steelgrave, tries to convince them all that man is a myth, and he calls the desert around the battlestation “The Forbidden Zone”…
…much like the forbidden zone in the desert in Planet of the Apes. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was the same place? “Solar flares” could just be a metaphor for nuclear weapons, the humans already live underground for thousands (if not millions) of years in both stories (although in Starriors, they’re “asleep”), and the two societies could’ve easily been separate, until now! The Protectors rebel and go looking for man, and they find damn, dirty apes who are in cahoots with Slaughter Steelgrave to keep man a secret! Fun chaos ensues.

EastOfTheAnduin:

Aquaman joins the crew of The Deadliest Catch.

Darkdaye:

Darkwing Duck vs Count Duckula
After Gizmoduck gets turned into a vampire, St. Canard is overrun by vampires. As Darkwing Duck struggles to contain the vampire outbreak S.H.U.S.H. calls in British super spy Danger Mouse. DW and DM team up to find and destroy the head vampire. They find that Silas Greenback and Steelbeak have taken Duckula hostage and are using him to create an army of vampire Eggmen with which they will conquer the world.

5318008:

My entries and their respective taglines.
1. Leeloo & Stitch. “The Fifth Element was Love. Is the Sixth Ohana?”
2. District 9-1/2 Weeks. “Desire. Infatuation. Obsession. Catfood.”
3. Westworld Side Story. “When You’re A ‘Bot, You’re A ‘Bot All The Way.”

Afti:

Archie and Watchmen.
Due to freak weather conditions, Ozymandias’ squid-thing is dropped on Riverdale.
Carnage and lighthearted teen hijinks ensue in equal quantities.

8BitZombie:

Law & Order: Ace Attorney
Phoenix Wright just became Manhattan SVU’s ADA…

Lupe Ellis:

Pokemon and The Hunger Games
Once a year the government holds televised Pokemon tournaments where each of the world’s top gyms must choose a trainer tribute to compete in seeded gladiator-style death matches until one trainer emerges victorious. Each match’s losing trainer and his Pokemon, if they have not been killed in battle, are brutally executed. Using wit, heart, and skill our hero Ash Ketchum, only participating so that his old, feeble mentor Professor Oak need not represent the poor, mining Pallet District, attempts to make it out of the tournament with his, his Pokemon’s, and love interest/Cerulean district tribute Misty’s lives intact, even as he faces competitors who seem to thrive on violence, like the Professor’s treacherous nephew Gary Oak.

DoctorBatman:

Batman & Ernest Go To Camp

AND THE WINNERS ARE…

Beppo1963:

I was watching the old 80’s “V” series with my fiancee and we got to
wondering what everyone else in the 80’s was doing during the Visitor
Occupation. We thought what was needed was a gigantic Marvel/DC/Stephen
Moffat-style massive multiseries crossover.
For example: What were the Duke boys doing during the Visitor crisis?
Working for the Hazzard County Resistance League and firing fire arrows
into Visitor shuttles, of course. Boss Hogg would be a collaborator at
first, but he’s come around to the good side before the end of the
episode.
The A-Team could team up with Mark Singer and Michael Ironsides in LA for a couple of episodes.
KITT and Michael Knight fighting the visitors would be awesome.
The possibilities are (nearly) endless. What was Magnum, PI up to? It
would be great to find out! Michael Ironsides and Stupid Girl are
eventually exiled to Chicago during the cast winnowing of V, did they
hook up with Bob Newhart and Suzanne Pleshette in the Chicago
Resistance? What about Manimal and the Misfits of Science? Or the
Master Ninja?

For fuck’s sake, someone really, REALLY needs to make a webcomic out of this or something.
 

Kelly:

Planet of the Living Dead Apes
– Same premise as the Planet of the Apes but as the astronauts land, and come around the crumbling cities of the past they realize there are very few humans left and are surrounded by hordes of zombie apes. There are few apes left that are not zombies and tell the story of what happened. The radiation from the bombs that the humans used to kill each other eventually caused the apes to strat to crave flesh which was highly uncharacteristic of the intelligent apes. Then have it play out like night of the living dead. i would watch that movie at least weekly!

Oh, Kelly. You had me at “zombie apes.”

WolverineChops:

This is my main entry! Some of my replies to other posts show up as new entries and I don’t want them to be counted!
Scooby-Doo vs. The Army of Darkness:
Scoob and the gang instigate a so-called “haunted” cabin in the woods and find a old dusty book binded in human flesh. Inquisitive Velma understands the dead language and reads from the book, unleashing a deadite army into the woods. It looks as through all is lost until a man with a chainsaw for a hand comes to the cabin to save the gang (while all the while hitting on Daphne and Velma) and teaches them how to kick deadite ass. Who will survive? And what will be left of them?

The best part about this is that I can so easily see an animated Bruce Campbell/Ash appearing on Scooby-Doo. No, I take it back; the best part is that it’s not totally inconceivable that this might happen on Scooby-Doo: Mystery Inc.

Aaron Goldfarb:

Good Omens: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Apocalypse.
Three great English authors (Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, and Douglas
Adams) blended together into a perfect nerdgasm of the end of the world.
So many possibilities.

I declare this the greatest book that will never be written… and now I’m sad.

David R S:

A Crossover that is too stupid not to happen is He-Man vs. Transformers, because it seems too ridiculous to make sense, but I recently came upon a solution. Transforming Wind Raiders don’t seem very cool and you can’t just have earth care rolling out on Eternia.
The mostly cancelled Powers of Grayskull series was full of Dinosaurs that have a “Techno-Organic Virus” as the Masters of the Universe Classics bios call it. Dinosaurs with mechanical parts and weapons roamed around and dudes rode these things for fun and battle, I assume.
Beast Wars features a Megatron who is a Tyrannosaurus with mechanical parts and weapons. Turns out these dinos were infected by the sparks of Cybertronians who are seeking out new forms of energy in the universe, and they are drawn like flies to the stink of the POWER that lurks beneath Castle Grayskull. Or in the Power Sword? Sword of He, I mean. The MOTUC bios confuse me…
Point is: This “virus” is a Decepticon invasion! Oh NO, y’all! He-Man(who has traveled to the past with the Cosmic Key)and He-Ro are in for it. They are outmatched by huge WAR ROBOTS who are teaming up with Skeletor who just followed He-Man through his time-hole. Our heroes are doomed. Or are they?
You know that big dirty ape Gygor? Oh yeah, Optimus Primal’s all up in that dude and he loves his new yellow fur. I assume there’s also a red and blue ape in that rainbow jungle if we want to retain some sort of character recognition with the toyline I’m already imaging . Did you know that Beast Wars Optimus came with a flail that’s a huge skull with spikes on it? The toy does, and that’s some hardcore MOTU action, right there. Masters of the Universe is Skull PORN and Optimus Primal is way into that sort of thing.
So we’ve got He-Man piggybacking this huge Robo-Gorilla Monster charging towards Skeletor who is riding an appropriately purple T-Rex of raging death, and that’s even before the other Maximals and Predacons show their faces and clue the Horde and Snake Men into the upcoming War to End All Wars.
As alliances are made and the battles rage on, the ground begins to shake. The power of Grayskull has been found by a final spark and consumed by the greatest threat of all. All of the combatants stare in shock as the Castle itself begins to rise… change… transform… into the most horrible monster of all. Unicron has found a new body and he stands before all of the tiny pathetic warriors, a powerful mixture of metal and stone, of mechanical menace and magical might.
Most Importantly, Unicron’s face is the front of Castle Grayskull itself, a giant horrible skull with a crazy jawbridge flapping around to consume all who oppose him.

I know this entry is way, way longer than what I usually acdept, but if there’s a way to get me to read your giant block of text, it’s by using it to write awesome, awesome Masters of the Universe ideas. I think I actually licked my computer while reading this, that’s how much I liked it.

And that is that! Congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone who entered, and special thanks to 604 Republic for sponsoring this weekend’s contest. Make sure you stop by their online store and check out their wares in thanks!