The Battleship Movie Finally Ditches Those Stupid Battleships


There’s a new trailer for Hasbro’s Bayformers-esque destruction porn movie Battleship, and it’s unique from the previous trailers in that there’s barely any battleships in it. While you might think this seems odd, please remember that this is a movie about aliens destroying cities, despite being based on a board game about ships destroying each other, and also the military doesn’t actually use battleships any more, so really, we’re just reaching the movie’s logical conclusion here.

It hurts me, it physically hurts me to know that this steaming shitpile is going to gross $700 million dollars while John Carter will be lucky to break $100 mil in the U.S., because most people are idiots who like seeing shit break more than they like characters, story, and quality. They might as well have titled Battleship LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR: THE MOVIE. Hell, it would certainly be more accurate than “Battleship.”

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Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.