It’s weird that whenever I do one of these “make up the worst ______ ever!” contest, a few people — well, more than a few people — ending up creating things that sound completely awesome. I don’t why the line between awesome and terrible is so thin, but there’s at least 10 games in the Honorable Mentions that I’d pre-order today if I could.
The other odd thing is that some people got confused and tried to think up videogames based on awful series/movies/whatever, which wasn’t the contest. It was to make a bad game adaptation of a property, not an adaptation of a bad property. It didn’t keep anyone from earning an HM, but I did stick to the contest’s primary guideline when choosing the winner.
Oh, one last thing — a special HM to Thomas Trzpit for this little gem. Now, press start to continue (…after the jump).
Getting 100 Honorable Mentions doesn’t earn you a TR shirt, but it does get you a 1up, at least.
FOX Network: The Video Game
Its the most amazing and fun video game you’ve ever seen and played. But halfway through level 2, it gets canceled.
Snakes In The Grass for the Nintendo Wii- from FFF to your living-room, in lush colour and detail! Guide the snakes in their… spelunking with your Wiimote! Fun for all the family!
Kinect Pac-Man – You have to move your arms like pac-man’s mouth. Sounds fun? Just spend the next 30s trying it.
Hamlet as an FPS game ala DOOM/Duke Nuke’em
-as the exiled Klingon Prince of Denmark you battle your way through devious mazes and puzzles put in your way by your demented incestous uncle/step father. all the while there’s this crazy ex-flame Ophelia and her family who want to fight you hand to hand. you encounter a ghost/demon – is it your dad? or part of the plot hatched by the accomplice in your father’s murder, your mother, as she drinks goblets of poisoned wine atop her ensemened bed. watch out your best friends from college are double agents! what a tweeest! and let’s not forget the cut away cinematics of your character’s soliliques delivered at the working end of a shotgun. to be :kiss kiss bang bang: or not to be … Hamlet! in its original Klingon!12-21-12
Grand Theft Auto: Middle Earth. Big G-Dolf hands Lil Fodo some mad bling to chuck into a volcano. While he horse jacks peasants to get there he can do side missions like elevensies, horse racing, and wrestling Sm?agol for extra cash. Boost your rep with rival gangs like the Elves and Dwarves to unlock followers the will ride shotgun with you. But watch out for the rowo (Ringwraiths) who will pop a cap in yo butt.
A Star Wars prequels video game that has nothing to do with lightsaber duels or flying around in spaceships. Instead, you have to participate in debates with the Federation, drafting, redrafting, and then presenting long arguments regarding trade embargoes and other political things that nobody gives a shit about.
A game adaptation of the complete works of Sigmund Freud.
It’s not that the game itself is terrible, but in order to play it you have to put it in and take it out of your console again and again and again and…
A Kill Bill Game where the first 8 hours of gameplay is spent trying to wiggle your Goddamn toe.
The Road: The Video Game.
For 30 hours, you play as Viggo Mortensen as you get to hide from bandits, witness innocent people be raped, pillaged, killed, eaten, and your only weapon is a revolver with two bullets – one for you, one for your son. Nothing good happens, there is no hope, and when the game ends, you want to find a revolver with two bullets in real life… just like the movie.
Twilight the videogame – the Characters are likable and the game is enjoyable.Good solid storyline entertaining action. you actually care about the characters. when the game is over you feel good that you just played it for several hours of your life.
Absolutely nothing like the actual Twilight …..
Pokemon: Janitor and maintenance You have the responsibility of cleaning out all the stadiums, restocking all the Pokemarts, and so fourth. With exciting levels like hosing out the Pokeballs (they have to go somewhere) restocking shelves, and burying the wild Pokemon who are hit trying to cross the street.
Watchmen: Beware the Squid – the monster-training game
You spend all game developing your squid, building him up using artists, writers, and psychics. After 100 hours of leveling him up, you take him to his first mission in NYC… where he blows up and the game is over.
Most people would like to believe that the Star Wars series has been presented in video games from every angle possible. To that I say humbug.
I present to you Dejarik: The Video Game. In this game you experience the entirety of the Star Wars series from the perspective of a professional dejarik player. For those of who don’t know, dejarik is the chess-like game played by Chewbacca and C-3PO on the Millennium Falcon.
You start as a novice player on the planet of Naboo where you play against classic characters like Jar Jar Binks and Padme Amidala. As your skill grows you play against other favorites such as Jango and Boba Fett, Luke Skywalker, and finally Darth Vader. Darth challenges you to a dejarik match for the fate of the galaxy! Vader screams “NOOOOOO” after you finally best him.
The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman: The Fully Interactive Video Game Experience Told in Nine Volumes by the Narrator, Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
A multi-volume DLC adventure, the game takes so long getting to the action that the first two installments are just expository cut-scenes. Once you finally get to Shandy’s birth, every little action thereafter results in longer and longer FMVs.
Think of it like a PSone era RPG, but much, much worse.
The Shawshank Redemption – The real time strategy game. You get all the fun of prison food, gang rape, and guard torture, while you dig a hole that takes you less than twenty years real time to dig.
“Twenty years of game play ends with a crawl through 500 yards of shit smelling foulness. You too can crawl through a river of shit and come out clean on the other side.”
Casablanca: Tournament Edition:
Fight as Rick, Ilsa, Sam, Victor Laszlo, Captain Louis Renault, Major Heinrik Strasser, Ferrari, Berger, or utilize the create a character to make your own heartless nazi or worn torn refugi as you fight in a martial arts tournament for the letters of transit. Area`s include the Streets of Casablanca, Rick`s cafe, Victor and Ilsa`s hotel room and the Blue parrot.
Objective: Great source material, terrific game potential, ruined by awful design
Kinect Rocky Horror Picture Show: Sing and dance your way through Rocky Horror. Relive the plot from the point of view of any of the characters. Each one has different dance steps and vocal parts. Stay true to the story or make choices to change it. Over 100 hours of gameplay with 10 different endings. Unlock the original movie augmented with minigames like Shadow Cast, Water Pistols, and Toast.
What ruins it: Due to licensing agreements, the original soundtrack has been replaced by singers from High School Musical and original actor likenesses replaced by reality show contestants from shows like The Biggest Loser and The Bachelor. All new songs by Nickelback, Justin Bieber, and Ke$ha. The Kinect move recognition is off by one full second, making the game virtually unplayable. The all-new endings and plotlines are all written by someone who has never seen Rocky Horror and was hired because of familiarity with the Stallone “Rocky” movies.
You thrilled at the movie, you marveled at the man, now it’s time to walk a mile in his…um..
It’s Gandhi…The Game! From the makers of Quake with an original soundtrack by Captain Beefheart, its time to pick up where the film left off. Fight your way through wave after wave of British soldiers, mutant velociraptors, and canibal cows with his patented Hindu Hammer, ferocious boomerang blast, and his devastating Hunger Strike! Experience the Mahatmania!
Buried the movie tie-in. Enjoy the thrill of being Ryan Reynolds trapped in a box.
A button: Turn on/off torch
B button: Use lighter
X button: Answer phone
Y button: Cry like a bitch.
Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark Stunt Coordinator.
SWING- Your screwdriver into three variations of screwdriver holes!
SHOOT- Your caulking gun to make on-the-fly repairs
SPIN- Wonderful tales when the Police and Safety Inspectors drop by for a visit!
Tiger Electronics offers their next soon-to-be classic…
Grave of the Fireflies Tamagotchi.
? Pay careful attention to Setsuko to make sure she doesn’t starve to death.
? Clean her and bath Setsuko so that she doesn’t become infected with diseases.
? Move your Setsuko Tamogotchi from location to location as you become unwanted by relatives.
? If unattended too long, Setsuko will die from malnutrition and need to be cremated to reset the game.
Aaaaaand, I feel sick to my stomach writing this. Gonna be a night full of drinking.
Trauma Center: Pap Smear & Mammogram Edition starring Bea Arthur
And, continuing the tradition of taking shonen anime and turning them into video games, I present: Speed Racer, the fighting game!
Over 5 characters, including Pops, Spridle, Chim-Chim, Speed, and Racer X (whose identity is revealed in the course of the single-player adventure)!
Day one DLC includes unlocking online VS. (which is already on the disc, only $20.00), and a new costume for Speed (which changes his shirt from blue to red, $10.00). The game sells at full retail price of $60.00.
Racing sequences: 0.
Total appearances of the Mach 5: 1 (on the box art)
Brian Herbert’s Dune: Sandworm Racer
Seeing as how such popular and enjoyable (cough) games were made for the Star Wars and Harry Potter franchises based on podracing and Quidditch: Brian Herbert decided to milk yet more income out of his father’s ass-raped legacy by licensing this travesty of a game.
Ignoring any and all established continuity, this game lets you play as the Sandworm Racing Team for the Atreides, Harkonnens, Corrinos, Bene Gesserit, Spacing Guild, CHOAM, Tleilaxu, Fish Speakers, Honored Matres, or Ixians (everyone but the Fremen, who are the only ones who actually know how to ride worms)
Race your rivals for Spice mining rights (Spice, inexplicably, now being “worm-fuel”), planetary fiefs, and nuclear weapon stockpiles….defeat them all and be crowned Emperor!
Game play is clumsy and unresponsive: Simply making to the top of your worm takes hours of aggravating trial and error–to say nothing of actually controlling it. Between races, thrill to long, uninformative, uninteresting, and naturally–unskippable cut-scenes.
Dune fans: If you thought novels were the only means Herbert the Younger had to befoul the franchise you love…Well, get ready for a new scream yourself awake nightmare!
To Kill a Mockingbird: Side-scrolling shooter
They say a mockingbird never hurt nobody? Well, Jem’s been murdered and Scout’s been kidnapped by those goddamn avians, and Atticus is on the warpath. Gun down them Mockingbirds, with bonus points for any mad dogs on the way. But don’t shoot the innocent black men!
You can join up with a second player for co-op play (player 2 is Boo Radley)!
Walking Dead the game.
You wake up
in a hospital surrounded by walkers. You see you can still walk so you have no
use for one, but still ride a wheel chair down the hall for fun.
Once outside you see the dead have come back to life. You throw in with a band of survivors
only to learn that for the most part they are all asshats. Some more than others
(Lori, Carl, Andrea, Dale, Carol. I’m talking to you)
Even though they are irritating you grow to love certain ones only because it is so much
fun hating them. As soon as that happens they die (RIP Shane you were one crazy
All the while the ones you really wish would die just keep causing you trouble (Lori,
Lori, and Lori)
You only kill 1 or 2 Zombies per level. The rest of the time is spent trying to solve
all of these other people’s problems.
You are forced to watch cut scenes of Darrel doing stealth kills in the woods, or Glenn
running for his life on a supply run.
While most of your missions are-
“Talk to your wife about the being knocked up by your best
“Explain to your son that he should respect his trouble
making whore of a mother”
Or “Convince the nice safe farmer to let your group wreck his peaceful existence”
It gets worse.
After level 5 your son takes your cool Sheriff hat.
Press the button every 108 minutes.
Rex Manning Day:
Futurama: The Game.
Marketed as a straight-forward enough platformer, we open with a cut scene leading up to and showing Fry falling into the cryogenic machine. Camera fade, and the player prepares to begin gameplay as Fry. But it is not to be. Instead, the scene opens on Seymour on the street below. This is when the controls pop up. Press X to whimper, Y to blink, and O to lie down.
There are no movement controls.
The game includes thousands of hours of gameplay.
X-Wing: Chronicles is the ultimate experience for all Rebel pilots. Continuing the proud legacy of Totally Games’ landmark award-winning series, this game takes off where the movies ended and pits you against a range of deadly enemies that threaten intergalactic peace. Fight your way through epic space battles from over 20 years of Star Wars novels and comics.
*Stunning next-gen graphics
*Original orchestral score by Mark Griskey and Lennie Moore
*CGI cutscenes from the team that created the cinematic trailers for The Old Republic
*Fly X-Wings, Y-Wings, A-Wings, B-Wings and new crafts from the Expanded Universe, including the E-Wing, the K-Wing bomber, the StealthX X-Wing and various airspeeders.
*Fly against the most lethal vessels the Star Wars universe has to offer, including the Eclipse-class Star Dreadnought and the World Devastators of the reborn Emperor, the organic nightmares of the Yuuzhan Vong fleet, the dreaded Yevetha thrustships and the invasion fleet of the Ssi-ruuvi Imperium.
*Campaigns include “Hunt for Warlord Zinj”, “Rise of Thrawn”, “Dark Empire”, “Black Fleet Crisis” and “War against the Yuuzhan Vong”.
*Space and atmosphere missions: Fight the forces of the Empire’s tactical mastermind Grand Admiral Thrawn at Sluis Van and Bilbringi and face the horror of the World Devastators over the vast oceans of the Mon Calamari homeworld.
*Planned expansions for the Old Republic era and the Legacy era.
Only for Xbox Kinect
Transformers: The Michael Bay Version.
Play as a dog humping another dog. You can’t choose which dog you can be.
King of Knives:
Game of Thrones: The Game
Game play: Player selects a character from the series (Daenerys Targaryen available only through DLC). The player and several NPCs then run around several thrones, one throne less than the number of characters playing, as music is playing in the background. When the music stops, the player must go through a series of quick time events to get to a throne before the NPC characters take them all. Anyone not getting to a throne after the music stops is executed. After each round another throne is removed. Wining the game allows you to unlock more costumes for the characters.
Doctor Who the MMORPG from EA
The game opens with beautiful high def footage of the history of The Doctor. It introduces you to all the different Doctors, companions and enemies. Then, the game begins.
You are Joe Nobody in England in the present day. The Doctor hasn’t been seen on Earth in many decades, and no alien invasions have happened either. You can customize your character completely, as long as they are human. You get to select your job and apartment in London. You go about your life going to work, hitting the pub, eating bangers & mash, etc. You are unable to play the Doctor, any companion or any alien. You spend hours just wandering around London where nothing really happens. Except for glitches.
For $30, you can purchase day-one DLC of a bow tie and fez.
E.T. Atari 2 – Kinect Edition
You spent hours of fun climbing out of that pit in the Atari version! Now, enjoy the exact same game with an Xbox Kinect. Stretch your neck to float out of holes, and keep doing it till you phone home or break your neck… whichever comes first!
“The Canterbury Tales”: The Game. You travel with a bunch of medieval pilgrims, and Mega Man style, have to choose which story you need to play through first: a point and click adventure with the goal of cheating on your husband and fart in his face; fighting game with only two knights to choose from; short rpg of a summoner accumulating components to cast a spell in a brothel; a side scroller to escape a hag from the biggest marriage bed in the world: along with 20 others. There is no final stage.
Manos: The Hands of Fate
For Xbox Kinect!
Directly control the Hands! His Hands are your Hands! HAAAAANDS.
The makers of such hits as “Epic Movie”, “Meet the Spartans” and “Disaster Movie” bring their own unique humor to the world of video games!
You play as “Italian Plumber”, traveling through various hilarous parodies of video games. See that armored figure that looks like Samus? Well, it removes it’s helmet and..It’s YOSHI! (Get it?) And when you meet the princess, she says “Sorry, All your base belong to us!” because that was a thing. Hours and hours of hysterical, wacky fun!
And if you don’t get the jokes, don’t worry. Easy Mode explains each and every reference for you. NOTE: You cannot turn off easy mode.
Short Circuit : Johnny 5’s Robot Rumble! Help Johnny 5 save buxom bikini babes from his out of control berserk robot siblings! I’m talking Duke Nukem 3D meets Mechwarrior! Micheal Bay’s debut into the video game arena!
And now for the winners. There were a lot of great entries, and a lot of them made me smirk or chuckle. Two entries literally made me laugh out loud. These are those two entries:
The Text Adventures of Superman!
Clark Kent sits at his desk when Perry White burst out his office to warn of trouble. He tells Lois to get going as the eye witness reporter to the robbery taking place. ‘I should find a phone booth to change in.’, thinks Clark. North is Perry’s office. South is Jimmy Olsen’s desk. West is a door. East is the coffee machine.
You walk through the door. You are in a hallway. Elevators are to the west. stairs to the north. An Open window to the South.
>Use Open WIndow.
Shouldn’t go out that way. People might see.
You enter the elevator and take it to the first floor. You’re in the lobby. Main doors are East. Info Desk to North.
>Use main doors
You walk out into the street. Telephone booth is East. Bank is North.
>Use Telephone Booth
You enter the telephone booth. ‘This is the perfect place to change into Superman!’, thinks Clark.
>Transform into Superman
I don’t understand the command.
>Change into Superman
I don’t understand the command.
I don’t understand the command.
>Use Superman Suit
I don’t understand the command.
No kidding, when I read VindacSean’s entry, I lolled for five full minutes, til tears came to my eyes. I mean, not only is the movie about resource management in its grimmest sense, but I think it’s the ellipses that makes it hysterical to me.
Anyways, that’s that. Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. As always, there’ll be more chances to win this weekend.