In the Mirror Universe: And the Winners Are…


I apologize for last weekend’s contest results being late, and I apologize for keeping things brief today. With nearly 60 HMs — which isn’t even counting excellent entries by folks like Nix Nightbird and Christopher Holden, which were way too long for me to include here — it took me quite some time to judge this thing, and now I just want it done with so I can catch up on everything else. Now, through a mirror, dorkly! (Sorry.)

In a mirror universe, Honorable Mentions are called Dishonorable Unmentions. Even the people in the mirror universe think this is dumb.


A common saying, “The book is never as good as the Movie is.”


Disney never gets the stranglehold on copyright law it now has; fanfic of famous properties is released in bound, hardcover volumes on an annual, Brittanica-like basis. Rob Bricken commits suicide sometime in 2008, leaving an obscure and esoteric blog as his legacy.


My mirror universe? Rob Liefeld is praised like Jack Kirby


On TV shows in my universe, we always know who the evil double is because he’s clean shaven.


In the mirror universe, this site runs tasteful, well written erotica every Monday and is named: Pantless Human


In the mirror universe, all works of fiction involving a mirror universe now use muttonchops instead of goatees as a sign of an evil mirror universe.

Ken Turner:

In the Star Wars Alternate Universe, Skywalker Ranch has a series of internal memos from George that says, among other things: “Episode I Script is OK, but needs work. And ditch the JarJar character”; “Han Solo MUST shoot first. It’s what makes his character development meaningful”; and “I can see why re-editing the OT might seem like a good idea on paper, but is it really what the fans want?”

Travis Beaven:

After many years of being the dominant force in comics under the watchful eye of Editor in Chief Alan Moore, DC Comics decides to reboot their continuity, dubbing it the “DCnU”. With thoughtful writing, genre defining artwork and a new, thoughtful approach to their classic characters, the reboot is an astounding success. Separating themselves from their strongest competitors Valiant, Boom and Malibu, the company sets the pace for shipping quality work on time thanks to author Frank Miller, and sets a new standard for children’s entertainment by child author Simon Bisley. The DCnU is a force to be reckoned with, and easily defeats Rob Liefeld’s Marvel Comics.


In the mirror universe a goatee’d Edward Cullen is a horrific monster that would make Dracula wet his pants and he kills Bella and her whole damn town in disgust within minutes of meeting her. Then he sets his sights on amassing a nosferatu army to deal with that pesky wolf problem he’s been noticing.


In my Mirror universe Superman Returns was good and lead to a sequel that had a Flash cameo after the credits. The Flash movie had a Green Lantern lead in , The Green Lantern movie had an Aquaman lead in , The Aquaman movie had a Wonder Woman Lead in , Wonder Woman tied everything in a nice bow then Batman showed up after the credits. Leading everything to this years nerd celebrated Justice League film.
Meanwhile a Tom cruise starring Iron Man movie failed to attract an audience many years ago causing Marvel to continue making Spider-man movies because he is the only Marvel hero that brings in cash.


Obi Wan- Yousa will gosa to the Dagobah System.
Luke- Dagobah System?
Obi Wan- There yousa will learn from Jar-Jar, the Jedi Master whosa instructed me.


In the parallel universe, “The Cape” lasted for six seasons and a movie.

Curtis Hart:

George Lucas releases the original trilogy as it is for the current ‘vision’, and slowly over the years, starting in the early 90s, whittles out uneccessary scenes and dialogue such as Greedo shooting first, and Vader screaming ‘Noooo!’ until finally with the announcement on Blu-Ray GL is proud to present to us his ‘final vision’ of the trilogy, which we all know as the original theatrical release versions in this universe.


Vampires also hang out during the day and are scared of evil Humans with goatees and wooden stakes that only come out at night

Ed Abell:

Mirror Universe Topless Robot: I have won one of these contests.

Punch Yourself:

1. Nobody gives a shit about Mario’s Mansion.
2. Aquaman has 10 of the top 100 selling comic titles – including Underwater Comics, Atlantis, Inc., Aquaman and Mera, Tempest, Aquaman: Legends of the Deep, Aquaman and the Insiders, The Wet and the Cold, Wake of the Shark, Aquaman/Hawkman, and of course, Aquaman. This is only second to the amount of Morph related comics from Marvel.


Bay Michaels is a 19-year old Dutch independent film maker whose 2012 semi-autobiographical, half-silent, half-Aramaic meta-dramedy “Transformer” gave seven film critics orgasms during the premier alone. Widely regarded as history’s greatest artist, Michaels has denounced special effects and 3D as unnecessary visual gimmicks designed to distract from the pure beauty and infinite creative potential of storytelling. After already winning every Academy Award and BAFTA (all of which he later had melted down and converted into mashed potato mix to feed the orphans, curing world hunger) you may wonder what’s next for Mr Michaels. An inside scoop recently revealed that he is working on an adaptation of J.R.R Tolkein’s classic “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” writings, promising to maintain the utterly TERRESTRIAL and OF-THIS-EARTH origins of the title characters above all else.
Speculation that Bay Michaels may be a dimension-hopping internet nerd with some unspecified grudge remains unconfirmed.


Woody Allen deciding to turn the Elderly Martian Salamander Boxers into the a fighting team comprised of 4 teenage turtles trained in the art of ninjitsu in his newest film has infuriated the rabid fans of the old novels.

Daniel Dean:

As a comics nerd I’d like an Elseworlds project where Krypton’s totalitarian fascist state controls the media and Kal-El disappears every time there’s an emergency…to report the news! HOWEVER, even though I don’t explicitly recall that story the character’s been around for so long it has to have been done at some time or other….
So I’ll say “A world where social media/crowdsourcing site Asskicker takes donations from contributors to PREVENT THINGS FROM HAPPENING.”
Kickstarter has been a real force for social good but at the same time what would you rather have: another Psychonauts game, or the power to collectively veto a Uwe Boll/Michael Bay Psychonauts adaptation, where Psychonauts are people who fight a race of psychic robots using car chases and machine guns.

That’s actually a pretty great idea for this universe.


‘Calvin & Hobbes’ is in its 27th year of syndication. There is a cartoon series and a feature film. There is merchandise out the wazoo, from plush Hobbes dolls to a Spaceman Spiff video game. A goateed Bill Watterson sits atop a hill of money in his solid gold mansion. Why is this evil? The strip became stale and repetitive in 1995, just like the Bill in our universe said it would.

Henry O’Conner:

Did anyone really dig Robs review this past tuesday where he really dug into the Special Edition of the Howard The Duck collection? It’s pity that Lucas has once AGAIN had to toy with such a timeless classic, and the 3D re-release of the 1986 original just continues to drive home how he is going to continue milking this once beloved franchise for all the billions he can, regardless of how it ruins our childhood memories. Really it would have been great if his career had just ended when he released that bomb back in 1977, what was it called? “A new hope?”… yeah I have a New Hope. That George Lucas stop F-ing up Howard the Duck and just give us a restored DVD release of the original qaudriology.


Heroes got canceled after it’s first season (though its ever present fan base hopes to bring it back) while Firefly’s three additional seasons slowly descended into a hack and slash of bad characterization and nonsensical plots.


Rants from the Mirror Universe: Can you guys believe that shit-show FIREFLY is still on? How the hell many years are we going to have to watch Tom Welling float around as a spaceship Captain who never does anything? And what the hell is up with that supporting cast? Ted McGinley as the Preacher??? Why does every show that dudes on go on forever? Lindsey Lohan is in and out of prison so much,you hardly ever see her prostitue character anymore. And dont even get me started on January Jones as the mechanic. I guess Scott Baio is OK as the doctor,but having Pamela Anderson play his sister is just too unbelievable. Chuck Norris is OK as Jayne though….dude needs a spinoff where he’s just flying around as some kind of Space Ranger…maybe with a talking horse or something. At least they killed of the pilot guy played by WIllie Aames…fuck him and the extra a in his name. I know a lot of folks had a problem with him being in a gay interracial marriage,but honestly the only part that really bothered me is that they cast Jimmie JJ Walker as his husband Zoe. How the hell many times can you listen to some idiot scream “SPACE DY-NO-MITE!!” an episode before you just lose it and shoot your TV??? And this crap has been on the air for 10 years now??? Thank god we still have Season 1 of Heroes on DVD…and the movie.

The Shadow:

In my mirror universe, “The Jersey Shore” is the story of eight brilliant, vice-free, nerdy (but still attractive) graduate students who move into a beach house and spend their time devising and testing alternative energy strategies. The popularity of the show inspires an entire generation of young Americans to reach for stars, embrace education and knowledge, and cement New Jersey’s reputation as paradise for innovative thought and budding philanthropists. In the second season, they pair up in four committed and sexually-responsible couples and jump-start America’s civilian space program. The genetic material that would have produced Snooki and the Situation had long since been deposited in their respective mothers’ stomach and rectum.


In the Mirror Universe, every Fig Newton? has the fig on the outside.

Paul F:

Fan Fiction Friday shines a light upon written works of eloquent grammar, prose, and plot, providing weeks of discussion upon their various merits.

Bowties are Cool:

Roo is white. It was obvious in the text.

I prefer to think that in the mirror universe the racist awfulness about The Hunger Games‘ Rue was instead incited by Roo from Winnie the Pooh.


In the Mirror Universe Fan Fiction Friday is so sacchrin sweet that it leads Rob to drinking so much that he gets a milk goatee.
I hope I win this one.. I really want the Topless Robot pants.


In the Mirror Universe, evil, goateed Mike Nelson and his (goateed) robot pals force Doctor Forrester and TV’s Frank to watch the worst movies in all of the Mirrorverse, such as The Godfather, Star Wars Episodes 4-6, and Bladerunner.


Scotland’s national sport is elephant polo! (elephants in this universe have goatees)


The Backwards Mirror Universe:
Ni eht rorrim esrevinu na rorre ni eht ecaps emit muunitnoc sah del oot ynam stnemele nihtiw eht rorrim esrevinu ot egnahc os taht yeht raeppa sdrawkcab, hcus sa nettirw txet hcihw won sraeppa desrever ekil siht, gnikam nettirw noitacinummoc yrev tluciffid rof eht deetaog stnatibahni fo Htrae nihtiw siht esrevinu, eht elpoep yrt rieht tseb ot etacinummoc dna noitcnuf sa a yteicos gnisu ylno labrev noitacinummoc hcihw si llits elbisneherpmoc, tub rieht stpmetta netfo liaf eud ot noisufnoc dna netfo regna ta rieht tnemaciderp… Revewoh tsuj ekil ni ruo esrevinu ti si yllacipyt ylno eht sdren nihtiw siht esrevinu ohw evah eht ecnegilletni, ecneitap dna thgirnwod kcal fo gnihtyna retteb ot od ohw tpmetta ot etalsnart dna daer eht sseldne segap fo elbisneherpmocni sdrawkcab skcolb fo txet netfo htiw elttil tnaveler noitamrofni tneserp nihtiw tsuj ekil siht, rehtar naht gniod gnihtemos retteb dna erom evitcudorp htiw rieht emit, hcihw dluow erom naht ylekil evah a raf erom gniyfsitas dna gniniatretne yap ffo ta eht dne rof rieht srovaedne… Ees tahw I did ereht?


In the evil mirror universe we’re all zombies planning for a human outbreak.

un lapin:

Everyone who saw The Rise of Cobra in theaters were shocked by how faithfully the accelerator suits of the cartoon were depicted.

Greg Easton Photo:

In the Mirror Universe George Lucas was tragically run down in 1984 by a drunk James Bay. James was sentenced to 15 years and without the guidance of his father, Michael Bay grew up committing petty crimes until he was shot during a botched home invasion in 1995.
To this day, the world’s love and affection for his brilliantly crafted Star Wars Trilogy is still so strong that George Lucas’ birthday is an unofficial holiday celebrated world-wide with parties and screenings of the entire trilogy.
After directing three hugely successful and popular X-Men movies, Bryan Singer directed another trifecta of hits with The Transformers Saga.

Sum Ellis Ock:

Luigi is Player 1…


I still remember how excited I was after the credits for Batman Begins when Amanda Waller approached Bruce, talking about the “Justice Initiative”. It just blows me away that DC has been able to find success with basically all of their mainstream characters and that they take place in the same movie universe… seeing Fillion standing in the desert by the green-glowing crater at the end of Dark Knight is still burned in my retinas and I hope it never goes away (after all the money GL grossed I think DC will remember it forever too!). I’ll see you all at the midnight showing of JLA next month!!!!
P.S. Seeing Shaq in the Steel armor on the poster made me wet myself with joy!

Weak Orbit:

Joffrey Lannister has it tough. An entire galaxy wants him off the throne, forged from the lazer blasters of the fallen. The inbred Werewolves of Winterfell are baying for his blood. The mermen of the molten milky way and plenty more goateed galactic scum merchants are heading to battle. War is about to spread through the cosmos of Westros. Luckily Joffrey, his dimwitted Uncle and Sandor, his talking Affenpinscher have a few tricks of their own. Yet amidst all of this strife has Joffrey time for true love as well as restoring the ozone layer on his own planet in Steve Martins Broadway Musical
A Song of Lazer and Vortex,
a gritty new drama focuses on sport on and off the field. We see racism, steroid abuse and what it takes to get to the top of your field. Join Sheldon, Howard, Leonard and Raj in The Touchdown Dilema.


After the success of Gundam Wing and G Gundam, Bandai follows through with an intelligent merchandising plan before localizing After War Gundam X. To introduce the UC series, an 0079 remake is commissioned; with better pacing and animation alongside simultaneous Japan/US releases, this is wildly successful. With the UC foot in the door, Zeta is released on Toonami; it does quite well, and a robust merchandising machine makes money hand over fist.
Today, Unicorn is broadcast as a special event whenever an episode is actually ready, and AGE is being terrible and unwatched both in its homeland and here. It’s possible to walk into a Toys ‘R Us and pick up models from recent or popular series.

Boss Fight:

Monotheistic and messianic religions develop early in primitive human culture and are eventually replaced by a more sophisticated and credible pantheon based belief system monopolized by the perpetually antagonistic Aesir and Olympians, both dominating western culture well into the present day. This ultimately leads to the Abrahamic faiths being wholly regarded and myth and story and Jesus Christ known primarily for His long standing and active membership in the Avengers.


On Shinji Ikari’s 14th birthday his dad, who is like his best friend, gives him an Evangelion to defend the earth with. The next 26 episodes consist of brave Shinji murdering the invading demons, teaching the women in his life to love and trying to introduce his mom to the clone of her that he’s dating.


Card Scott Orson has just announced his candidacy for the governor of Utah, making him the first openly gay man to run for the position. Card has spent the past four years as head of the Marriage Organization National, which has successfully campaigned for gay marriage in states such as Maine and California. His writing has significantly increased in quality since coming out, with his 1000-page epic “Macbeth’s Mom” winning the Ohug and Aluben awards. His motivation for entering the political arena, however, stems from the fact none of his recent books sell despite all the high praise, as his much maligned 1985 story Endra’s Work turned thousands of kids away from ever wanting to pick up a book ever again (though a small faction of critics maintain the notion that it’s actually a brilliant anti-Hitler allegory*). Some particularly cynical nerds have expressed doubts Card is actually gay, using the detailed prepubescent girl shower sequences in Endra’s Work as evidence.
*Just to clarify, even in this mirror universe, Hitler is still evil. But he had a goatee.


“And the Oscar goes to…” *Rips open the envelope* “…ladies and gentlemen, it’s a clean sweep! THE SPIRIT!”


Kratos: God of Sleeping Kittens


In the mirror universe…
Dungeons and Dragons is played by every human being on earth. Everywhere, capes and elf ears are displayed proudly as the masses converge at dinner tables to roll dice, quote Monty Python, and eat vast quantities of junk food. Disputes between nations are held peacefully at the UN gaming tables, and often end in raucous laughter as one of the representatives feels the need to break wind loudly after grabbing a handful of Cheetos.
“Oh, you nasty bastard,” laughs the Iranian ambassador. “Sit down, and forget all about those nukes we’re about to have aimed at your backdoor. Poppa needs a new Vorpal Sword of Maiming +2!”
It is paradise.


In the mirror universe: Game Of Thrones was on Fox, and canceled after 3 episodes.


In a parallel universe William Shatner is dead. And James Doohan just kicked you in the nuts for asking him to pose while wearing a proton pack.


Greatest Star Trek character of all time, Wesley Crusher.

Rhys Howell:

In the mirror universe, you can tell if a character is evil if he has a “sheepee”


‘Why’d they put a squid monster in the end of the Watchmen movie?’


Game of Thrones is a popular children’s novel that is translated into an animated TV show. The show’s light-hearted take on fantasy and irreverent tone wins it a fanbase far, far older than expected, although its rabid fandom causes a “love-it-or-hate-it” schism among internet goers.
Meanwhile, HBO debuts a 60 million dollar grim n’ gritty reboot of the ironically-titled My Little Pony franchise, a toyline and cartoon series that had been targeted towards adult males in the 80’s. The program quickly gains popularity and infamy for its grand scope and pitch-black narrative, as well as killing off, among others, protagonist Twilight Sparkle at the end of the first season.

Purple Monkey Dishwasher:

Three iPhones for the Ninja Turtles under the sky,
Seven for the Bad Boys in their halls of stone,
Nine for Transformers doomed to die,
One for the Bay Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Baydor where the Shadows lie.
One IPhone to rule them all, One IPhone to find them,
One IPhone to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Baydor where the Shadows lie.


The SyFy Channel was renamed the SciFi channel and WWE SmackDown was dropped in favor of science fiction shows.


Star Wars never completes filming and in 1978 “Starcrash” takes the world by storm. It is followed by two sequels “Return of Zarth Arn” and “Stella Star Strikes Back.” Hamilton Camp is typecast and later goes on to voice Bullseye in “Daredevil: The Animated Series.” Following the “Starcrash” trilogy’s success, a goateed David Hasselhoff stars in the successful “Remo Williams” films.

Scooter Atreides:

In the Mirror Universe: Topless Robot IS the cyborg-fetish porn site that everyone in this universe who’s never seen it thinks it is.


In the TR mirror universe, last week’s contest pictured an aging Bill Murray holding a Type II Hand Phaser….but he was sporting a goatee.


Back in 1984, a odd and whimsical thing happened… Transformers TV series was received okay by audiences, but would be generally remembered as a toy line of silly repaints… and the fandom itself never quite expanded beyond it’s niche. But the introduction of the series My Little Pony took off and led generations of youngsters into a fandom that rocked all fandoms! (Yeah, it’s not that too tweaked…)
Twenty-three years later, Michael Bay releases the first of his live action My Little Pony movies– complete with a full-out CG battle of Ponies vs Dragons and a military besiegement of Midnight Castle. Megan would be played by Megan Fox (how appropriate!) and Firefly wouldn’t be able to speak, only gesturing to Megan and nudging her in certain directions. Shia The Beef would voice Spike the Dragon and would continuously end up trying to hump Megan’s leg, and somehow always mistakenly humping some random pony’s leg instead. And poop and pee jokes all around! Just raise those tails and let em rip! How about that “plot”? Oh yeah, and dragon testicles flying overhead EVERYWHERE!But it’s not over… Hasbro, with the theatrical success of it’s action-oriented My Little Pony trilogy as directed by Michael Bay, seeks out a talent to revitalize it’s stumbling Transformers franchise. The line, already reeling from it’s last incarnation, Rescue Bots, seems at it’s absolute end until they bring in Lauren Faust, and grant her and her team the creative control to make Transformers awesome again. The animation community states that Faust’s involvement with the Hasbro property is the “end of creator-driven animation”, but soon fans are flocking to the franchise, much to the disdain of the more cynical and closed-minded denizens of the internets.
Yeah, take that one. =D

William Dorr:

GRRM is a writer of very dull pamphlets, and publishes about 3 each day. None of them ever go into detail about food.

Tor H:

It’s as easy to get tickets for San Diego Comic-Con as it is to get into church.


In the mirror universe, the Legend of Zelda’s main character is a chicken who journeys on an adventure where he must use his friends to defend himself against an evil human monster.

Now the winners, please…


In the mirror universe, we will be seeing a sequel starring Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman on May 4th.

Short, subtle, and fantastically clever. Also, kind of terrifying.

Remy Zane:

Thomas and Martha Wayne mug and subsequently kill Joe Chill, prompting Bruce Wayne to avenge his death as Batman. He will not rest until he finds and captures the dastardly duo.

It is wrong that I genuinely want this to be a Batman Elseworlds book? The idea of the rich Waynes maliciously killing a random dude walking down an alley with their young, impressionable son in tow is actually kind of fantastic. Somewhere, Grant Morrison is slapping his bald cranium he didn’t think of this first.

And that is that! Again, sorry the results were both late and brief, but congrats to the winners and thanks to everyone who entered.