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There’s Going to Be Another Van Helsing Movie for No Good Goddamn Reason

There’s Going to Be Another Van Helsing Movie for No Good Goddamn Reason

By May 1, 2012 Movies 0 Comment

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UGH. From Variety:

Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, the writing duo behind Paramount’s “Transformers” and “Star Trek” franchises, have signed a two-year, first-look production deal with Universal Pictures that includes plans to develop and produce a reimagined “Van Helsing” with Tom Cruise attached to star and produce.

I repeat: UGH. I actually have no problem with Van Helsing as a concept, and I was actually excited by the Hugh Jackman Van Helsing at one point in time. I mean, one dude, fighting Dracula, a mummy, a werewolf, and Frankenstein’s monster? It’s like The Monster Squad with more violence. What’s not to like?

Turns out: Quite a fucking lot. Van Helsing was so fucking terrible that just hearing the name “Van Helsing” fills me with a nerd rage, leaving me genuinely angry that someone would ever, ever try to make another Van Helsing movie, even if it’s a reboot with all new actors and writers and directors and whatsoever. I’m kind of like Dracula in that regard, except instead of my hated foe being a famed vampire hunter whose family has defeated me throughout the eons, it’s a movie that sucks shit.

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About The Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.