Tipsy Toys: The Top 7 Booziest Action Figures
It may seem like the bars get more full on St. Patrick’s Day, but New Year’s Eve is rally the calendar’s biggest drinkathon – kids get to try champagne, people stay out all night and Triple-A offers to tow even non-members for free (they won’t do this on just any night even if you are a member. Don’t ask me how I know – though it’s probably obvious – but let’s just say that hypothetically, should you be boozing any other day and need a tow home, you might want to say the car won’t start. Which isn’t a lie, because of course it won’t start…if you don’t put the keys in. Hypothetically).
It’s literally the absolute least of your worries, but let’s say you’re hosting a nerdy New Year gathering and you want to pick just the right figures for your festivities. Sure, you could be all Hallmarky and go for baby dolls to represent the young year to come, but if you want to be really honest, you’ll take the toys that are most like the way you want your guests – BYOB. But here’s the thing – they’re not as common as you might think, mostly thanks to rules about what toys for kids are and are not allowed to encompass. That’s when you need degenerates like us to guide you on a plastic pub crawl.
These are the drinkers you’re looking for:
7. Captain Teague from Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
The good Captain here doesn’t actually come with any alcohol-themed accessories, but he does talk, and when you hear that voice, you remember that it’s Keith f’n Richards. And there can be no doubt as to his sobriety, or lack thereof.
6. Peter Griffin.
What’s the rule: beer after whisky, mighty risky? Or is it beer before liquor, never sicker? As the South Park caricature of this entry might say, “You tink daaat’s bad? Remember the time I did both at once?” Like Homer Simpson but even more alcoholic, Peter comes with moonshine and a brewski – presumably the only reason he doesn’t feature show-accurate vomiting action is because nobody’s figured out how to make that work yet.
5. Stone Cold Steve Austin (WWE Shopzone Exclusive).
Perhaps nobody was more hogtied by toy restrictions that Stone Cold, who made a name for himself in pro-wrestling as a rowdy, aggressive drunk who’d down adult beverages while riding his ATV, sport T-shirts with slogans like “F*ck Fear Drink Beer,” and give the middle-finger salute so often that souvenir stands started selling giant foam ones. Jakks Pacific tried to tone him down to sell to kids – one figure hilariously featured a “100% Heckraiser” shirt – but this shopzone exclusive comes with cylindrical devices that can only be beer cans. Nowhere does it actually say they are, so parents can pretend to the kids that it’s soda, but if your kid knows who Steve Austin is, odds are he’ll know what the Rattlesnake is holding.
4. King Randor (Eternos Palace).
When you’re monarch of a kingdom in which a skull-faced maniac is constantly trying to kill you, we wouldn’t blame you for blowing off some steam. But holy crap, He-Man’s dad: that goblet is like half the size of your head! You might pretend that what’s in there is water or something, but no – the fine folks at Mattel have made the thing full of a dark red liquid that can’t really be mistaken for anything but wine. Notice how he’s using the spear to steady himself, rather than as a weapon? Come tomorrow, Skeletor won’t be the problem – look out for Hangovor: Evil Master of Over-Indulgence.
3. Shellie from Sin City.
Pretty much the ultimate action figure for a teenage boy, Shellie was a lifelike rendition of Brittany Murphy in her underwear, holding two beers and a kitchen knife (not pictured). What was once hot is now sad and depressing, as Murphy died from a possible combination of pneumonia, toxic mold and prescription medications three years ago. No beer was involved, however, so this figure isn’t as woefully inappropriate in retrospect as it could have been.
2. Bob and Doug McKenzie.
This being technically the seventh day of Christmas, Bob and Doug owe us seven packs of smokes. That’s not the vice they’re most known for, however – we’re looking for some beer, eh? Back when Todd McFarlane could pretty much make anything he wanted, he’d occasionally diverge from the expected superhero and monster stuff just to remind us that he’s Canadian; by including even such small details as removable bottle caps, he definitely showed us he knows all about how to drink like one.
1. Drinky Crow.
Remember the soundtrack to The Crow? “Every night I burn, every night I call your name.” The only thing that burns every night on this guy is his throat as he chugs down hard liquor. And when you get that wasted, of course you’ll call out somebody’s name; whether or not that name will be intelligible is anybody’s guess. Fortunately, being a crow, Drinky seems to keep carrying his own soul back from the land of the dead, which explains why he survives his own repeated suicide attempts. Use him to remind you that no matter how bad your year was, some toys have it worse.
Please note: while we at TR may occasionally engage in drunken behavior, that doesn’t mean we condone it. Stay safe out there tonight, and leave the brushes with danger to your action figures.