We Finally Have a Kevin Smith Book Winner


So why the hold-up? Well, I really liked this entry by abbotabbotsmith, but after three attempts to contact that individual failed, I had to move along. I thought abbot’s defense of the prequels, in the voices of Kevin Smith characters, was actually quite astute:

[Dante is in his new office, staring at an Excel spreadsheet, methodically entering data. On the phone, while roaming around his gargantuan concrete loft, is Randall.]

D: Yeah, they were bad movies because they took everything good in the real trilogy and replaced it all with badness.

R: What you don’t get is that the prequels were a masterpiece of fucked-up character psychology. What didn’t you like?

[R is speaking into a wireless Bluetooth headset while tinkering with something we can’t see on a workbench. Sparks fly up from something being welded.]

D: Um, the cardboard characters, fight scenes that were hyperactive but also mind-blowingly dull, midichlorians…

R: And that is what made it awesome. Because it’s all from Darth Vader’s perspective.

D: That’s, like, the worst part! I need to freebase cleaning supplies while watching Empire if I’m gonna ignore how Vader’s magnificence was totally undermined. All I can see is the mopey guy from Jumper…

[A power drill screeches in the background. R hoists a glowing green rock between a pair of tongs and holds it up to his eye, rotating it slowly.]

R: You saw Jumper?

D: I had this one week where I was delirious from fever and didn’t want to waste any movies that I might actually need to remember.

R: Anyway, all that shittiness in the prequels is the entire point of the prequels. George Lucas said: I could show one hero’s tragic descent into corruption, make one more movie about _____ blah blah blah. But then he said: or—or I could make them feel one man’s tragic descent.

D: What.

R: You know how all the romantic interactions between Anakin and Amidala feel like they’re written by a 5-year-old? It’e because Anakin never grew up. Sure, Queen Senator Get-Ahead is willing to bang him anyway, famous Jedi hero. But in his mind it’s an epic romance. Except he doesn’t really know what that means. The guy doesn’t understand love.

[The power drill turns off, the explosions stop, all goes silent on R’s end.]

R: Same with the Jedi. You think they were actually that dumb? No way, man. Yoda turns into a judgemental asshole because Anakin doesn’t know how to recognize a nurturing father-figure. The combat is painfully boring, all the lightsabers look the same, because a guy like Anakin isn’t like Luke…there’s no sense of the epic because he doesn’t know what he’s fighting for. It’s just chaos. The kid was abducted when he was 7 and recruited into a war that he didn’t understand. He killed everyone in the Trade Federation! He wasn’t even eleven years old!

[D stops typing.]

D: …That is pretty messed up.

R: Why does Jar Jar exist? Could anyone really be that unctuous?No! Anakin is an inner-city Tatooine kid! Jar Jar comes from a world with lush forests and enormous palaces, and he’s a soft idiot. That’s what everyone different looks like to him! The whole thing is about how one twisted upbringing can corrupt an entire universe. And/or viewing experience.

[R hoists his tongs victoriously. He has created a still-sizzling bronze bust of Batman slugging Superman in the face, complete with miniature Kryptonite ring.]

D: Those movies still blow.

R: Lucas is a genius.

Obviously, whatever Clerks 3 turns out to be, it will have Star Wars-related conversation, simply because every Kevin Smith movie does. Likewise, it will also have dirty jokes. The majority of the entries fell into one or other of those categories.

I’m a sucker for the well-told “generic” joke, as epitomized here by skrag2112.

Dante: “Something something I hate my life.”

Randall: “Something something disgusting sex act.”

Jay: “Something something drugs bitches!”

Silent Bob: “…”

(Robber comes in and kills them all. End scene.)

iamjoeyconnors captured a certain kind of absurd joke that Smith does well sometimes.

Jay: Yo clerks, yous got any ice?

Dante: What for?

Jay: For my fucking yeast infection, what do you care?

Dante: Well, I can’t just give you ice, you have to buy it.

Jay: Whatever, Silent Bob, pay the man

[Silent Bob pulls a roll of arcade tickets out of his pocket and starts counting them out]

Dante: Whoa whoa whoa, you can’t pay with those, I need real money

Jay: These are better than money

And since Smith already ended one of his movies with God closing the book on his Askewniverse, Canadian.Scott gave us the only ending that could follow that.

*It is the last scene of the film and all the characters are standing around*

Silent Bob: I’ve had enough of this sh*t! You are all asinine pricks and deserve to be wiped from the planet…F*ck You [gives finger],F*ck You [gives finger], I never liked you [shoves a character in the face], Silent Bob out!

[Proceeds to push things over and generally trash the place]

More than one reader came up with a variation on this idea, but let’s single out JokersBoner. It’s certainly an odds-on possibility to happen in the movie.

“I motherfucking sure as hell do, bitches!” ‘….’ I now pronounce you man and.. man. Jay, you may kiss your bride, Silent Bob.

neopiate went more serious.

exterior sunset quick stop, jay and silent bob are in there normal positions.

Jay: ya know, lunchbox, we’ve been through some crazy shit over the years.

silent bob: nods

Jay: chilled with a monkey, fought angels, demons too , and not that shit movie with tom hanks. you see that flick?

silent bob: nods disapprovingly

jay: met god, and even got arrested.

silent bob: holds up two fingers

jay: twice.

*car pulles up, pause, honks horn*

jay: *puts hand on shoulder* hey man, its my ride.

silent bob- mixture of surprised, shocked expression. glassy eyed. using both hands silently signifying what the fuck

jay-listen man, it’s been awesome, but its time to go.

silent bob- silent tear falls down cheek

jay- don’t be sad man, I just found my place is all.

silent bob- eyes still misty looks like a bit of relief washed over his face.

Jay- rushes, not runs to the car opens the door. jay gets in and they pull away.

(insert cameo of your choosing, a few come to mind. amy from chasing amy is unlikely due to being a lesbian. justice is still in jail, no one mentions her. my choice is carrie fischer, with some resembelance to her character cameo from jay and silent bob strike back)

Carrie- *notices jay misty eyed* everything go alright back there?

jay- yea, it just felt right ya know. like it was time for us to go our seperate ways. *clearly misty eyed during this scene*

*exterior, slightly dimmer outside, not quite dark lights, quick stop,

*silent bob is clearly crying silently in the usual spot without jay, frustratingly trying to light a joint, lighter isn’t cooperating*

*close up of mystery hand with ligther in it, sparking the joint in silent bobs mouth*

silent bob- nods, clearly calming down

(note dante has smoked with jay and bob a few times, and after clerks 2 they clearly respect each other)

dante- *takes a hit of the joint before passing it back* where’d your muse go?

silent bob- Points to the clearly visible shadow outline of where jay stood all those years. and then points to the tire tracks.

dante- wow, he just left huh? did ya say anything to him before he left?

silent bob- didn’t have to. (bob speaks this line)

dante- looks puzzled both by bob talking and by the response he got. “why’s that?”

silent bob- because for the first time,(takes a hit)(exhales) i’m not worried about him.(takes hit) his shit’s together.(spoken while exhaling) bob speaks this line.

dante-(dante takes hit) (exhales) (leans on jays spot on the wall) anything you regret not telling him? (said very mellowed)

silent bob- (leans in his spot on the wall) just that i love him. *clearly misty again*

pan out and to the side at a 45 degree angle from where dante and bob are still passing a joint. side of the quick stop clearly says in spray paint “eat pussy” with p.s. underneath “snoogans”

insert sappy 90’s song.

cue montage of what everyone did after the movie.

It was hard to pick a winner a second time, but I did…

berkowitzofthejews takes it, for a simple exchange that sums up the two topics most likely to be on Smith’s mind for part 3 – fatherhood, and how to make dirty jokes about it. Plus a wink and a nod to the fact that he knows it’s a bit out of line to make said jokes in polite conversation.

Randall: is that cum on your shirt?

Dante: my kid spit up on me this morning. Do you always have to be so crude?

Randall: I’m just saying, it looks like you jizzed on your shirt.

Dante: it’s throw up.

Randall: it definitely looks like jizz.

Randall(to woman at counter): what do you think? Jizz, or puke?

Woman: pig.

I don’t get to say this often, but Tough Sh*t, You Win!

More contests coming soon.