No, it’s not the Death Star EPCOT globe above, though that is a good entry. I asked you to imagine a Star Wars Episode VII Disneyland attraction, and maybe it’s because I haven’t done one of these in awhile, but it feels like there weren’t as many entries that really gave it the old TR spin.
Continue to see the honorable mentions and winner…
JJ. Abram’s Mystery room of intrigue and endless wonder.
A small black building with question marks, and the words “Coming soon” on it.
It never opens.
Since Disney has almost zero recognition or even promotion of their core characters (Mickey, Donald, etc), they have even less for their park-only characters. So, they will repurpose an existing ride.
Yes, It’s a Small World will be gutted and the cute little kids from around the world will be replaced with Gungans, Ewoks and whatever cutsy race they invent for the new movie for comic relief.
Oh, they’ll still sing the same songs, but they will be translated into Gungan, Ewokian and whatever the new creatures speak. Jar Jar and Jake Lloyd will pop up on 3D video screens periodically for additional comic relief.
The ride card will be retrofitted with full-body harnesses that will be impossible to open except by the ride operator.
After dusting off an old Disney Animatronic Robot, dressing it in jeans, a flannel shirt & adding a beard, Star Wars Land will have a special display with a George Lucas Droid…
…that will apologize for his actions & beg forgiveness from the fans…
Complaint Booth – Fan boys will have the chance to complain about the series in person. It is open to who shot first, Jar Jar, Darth Maul, the lack of Blu-ray availability of the original trilogy, casting confirmations, script changes, etc. I predict this would have the longest lint in the park and fans would be wise to use a fast pass
Leia’s Metal Bikini Emporium. She had to find a real job you can’t be a princess of a planet that does not exist.
Disney’s Internet Rumor Cafe – Now you and your family can fest on all the Internet’s favorite Star Wars VII rumors.
The Casting Soup of the day!
The Plot Point Pita!
The Super Secret Cameo Cheeseburger!
Typically speaking, Disneyland is thought to appeal to “all ages”, meaning kids and parents alike can enjoy the park and what it has to offer. However, there is one clear demographic that tends to be left out from this equation– the elderly. Gramma and Pappy have heart conditions that prevent them from going on rides; they tend to stay away from loud noises; and they don’t have the stamina to meander about the grounds all day long. So, with the induction of an Ep. VII section into Disneyland, and the assured wealth of rides and stores centered around the new trilogy and kids of the upcoming generation, so too comes the first ever senior citizen targeted attraction: the Cryo Chamber. A quaint, air conditioned building where the old and young (well, really, the old) can rest peacefully, listen to the jazzy noodlings of Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes, and play bridge with Christopher Lee every second Friday. This way, the grandkids can run off and look at all the new-fangled flim-flam with their purple lightsabers and moody Sith Lords while the older crowd can relax and remember what it was like to watch A New Hope before it was “A New Hope” way back in the day. What could be better for people born a long, long time ago?
The Reference-Carousel, you just go round and round looking at the same characters doing the same things and repeating the same lines in ever watered down fashion – because it’s poetic like that
And the winner, who tied with two strong entries, is DrAbraxas:
on a star wars day, long, long into the future
disney will start a ride that lets you watch the original star wars theatrical release
it will only play on one day, on one screen, for approx 7 hrs and only for special ticket holders.
because the disney folk want the press to see how popular the line is, there were already people on the line when it started, even though you were the first to arrive. the line winds along corridors where episodes 1, 2, 3 are predominantly featured. on occasion the line stops to hear about how awesome the saga is featuring on the spot, live featurettes/commentaries/documentaries by such illuminaries as jj abrams and what ever the fuck is left of harrison ford’s carrier. as the documentary filming continues the jerks in front who have no business being there at all are interviewed by disney staffers about their love for star wars. when it’s over you enter the theater which is strangely messed up as if somebody had been there watching the flick already and that’s when jj abrams tells you the screening is over and thanks you again for the support you gave episode 7.
you when cry into your blue milk.
Episode 7 Amusement Ride
since disney doesn’t own the fox fan fare, it begins with a techno and enya voice over drum beat with synchronized lensflare
protocal droids show you to your seat and you buckleup
as ford narrates, you and your buddies start a ride that steadily climbs through the innards of a replica death star. along the way ford tells you about how the republic was reformed, about policy debates, about invaders who may be immune to the force.
you then reach the very top of this strangely long climb and ford tell you about how you are now going to slowly digest in some alien’s cavity.
about a thousand years later you are pooped out of the ride, having gone in circles without rising or falling. also – lensflare. nobody cares because everyone you know is now dead.
As I already have the good Doctor’s email, I will be putting him and Polk in touch for prize fulfillment.