Oscars Live Talk

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All right, folks, we finally have a show we can all liveblog together.

My own comments will be added after the jump in real time. Yours, of course, will be in the comments section. I won’t be starting until the actual show, but if y’all want to get started on the preshow, have at it.

Yep, they’ll start here once the show begins.

No dogs in the fight here at Casa de LYT. But the great thing about Gravity winning, if it does, will be that a certain percentage of cinema snobs will finally have to shut the fuck up about how 3D Imax sci-fi movies full of CGI are ruining everything.

I don’t feel this was so much a great year for movies as it was a year without too many egregiously terrible ones. And one thing I am glad for is that Oscar wasn’t all over Inside Llewyn Davis‘ jock. Old-ass Academy members hate that whole folk scene as much as I do from the other generational side, it seems.

My couch needs a cupholder. Soda just fell over.

“Everyone on Twitter agrees about ABC’s newest drama.” That’s just a dumb statement, right there. I’m on Twitter and nobody asked me.

Tyler Perry is here? You’re kidding me.

OK, CG-enhanced opening number, impress me.

Ooh, new Maleficent trailer first. I like the tree-creatures. I liked them in the K-Stew Snow White too, though, and that still sucked.

Ellen just strolling on stage casually w/no build up. “It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”

June Squibb milking her shoutout from the stage, knowing it’s the best she’ll get tonight.

Barkhad Abdi, Oscar nominee who will never get another decent role after this.

Real Captain Phillips and Philomena are here. Not the real Wolf of Wall Street?

Why do people who impersonate Ellen always make her sound super-Southern? She doesn’t. Southern notes are extremely subtle.

Meryl Streep, the Ric Flair of Oscars. Hair color almost matches now too.

“There are cameras everywhere, you’re starving, Jennifer Lawrence won last year – this is The Hunger Games”

Jared Leto, the Geico caveman.

No song and dance, no CG stuff, just a basic opening monologue. I think that works fine.

Anne Hathaway’s makeup and hair not doing her any favors tonight. Damn.

Best Supporting Actor: everyone in this montage throwing a temper tantrum. I should win by that standard.

Leto actually being subtle and subdued in his clip, which could be why he wins. Yep.

Touching tribute to his mother in his acceptance speech, and “all the dreamers.” Awkward segue to Ukraine and Venezuela, though the sentiment to artists is sincere. Ends with nods to AIDS victims and gay rights – wanna bet someone will be upset he didn’t mention transgenders specifically?

Jim Carrey being a sarcastic dick is awesome. He actually looks like Ace Ventura again. Wow, how many years has he waited to bust out a Bruce Dern impersonation?

And he compares animation to LSD. I think he’s auditioning for host next year.

“Heroes” theme now leads to a pointless animation montage, which is 50% classic Disney and 50% modern CG stuff, because no other animation exists.

This Pharrell song needs dancing Minions to show up.

I meant the yellow minions, not just a bunch of kids who happen to be YOUR minions, Pharrell. But nice job heisting Sgt. Slaughter’s hat and not resizing it for yourself.

Pharrell, you told them all to stand up and they did. Use that power. Make them give you a pay raise or something.

Neal McDonough, the fake M. Bison. Now doing car commercials. For Bison, it is payday.

How small is Naomi Watts? And who wrote that text for Sam Jackson, because good job getting him tongue-tied. That’s gotta be hard. And the winner for costume design is The Great Gatsby, which I never saw. The designers own costume is quite nice.

“I’ll be very short.” Pulls HUGE piece of paper out of her bra. I think she was referring to her height, then. Oh, she’s Baz Luhrmann’s wife? I just assumed Baz was gay.

Dallas Buyer’s Club for Best Makeup, robbing The Lone Ranger and Bad Grandpa, because it’s the first movie in which Matthew McConaughey looks like somebody you don’t wanna fuck.

Harrison Ford has a goatee. IS IT FOR STAR WARS????? I have no idea.

“Everybody fasten your seatbelts” for an American Hustle montage. Mr. Ford, you are confused – I already got off your plane.

Oh, okay, it’s a montage for everything. Orrr….Hustle, Dallas and Wolf. Arbitrary.

Channing Tatum finally has a hairdo that offsets the potato shape of his head. But this bit is pointless. We already don’t care about the shorts, so let’s talk about more shorts you haven’t seen.

All my email notifications go crazy at awards shows. Lots to delete.

Ellen giving a lottery ticket to Bradley Cooper, because he hasn’t already won every metaphorical lottery there is.

McConaughey says as actors they have no experience with animation. Stop talking. Kim Novak has total Joker-mouth.

Best Animated short, aka Mickey Mouse owns you all. OH WAIT NO! TAKE THAT, VOICE OF DEAD WALT DISNEY! You can tell these guys had no clue they would win. Maybe PL Travers’ ghost worked some voodoo.

And now Best Animated Feature. Could be an E&C upset here.

Or not. It’s Frozen.

That guy named his kid “Rider Buck.” He’s a terrible parent for that.

Sally Field killed and skinned a Venom symbiote to make that dress.

The Mel Gibson break his back make him humble.

Are the hosts’ makeup jobs not designed for HD? Because first Anne Hathaway’s, now Emma Watson’s are way too much.

Garvity for special effects. No way it would have been any of the others.

Black ribbon on the lapel. I did not get the memo – what’s that one for?

Zac Efron can’t read.

This moonrise set-up for the Karen O song is cool. Reminds me of the “Moonstruck” levels in Candy Crush, without that asshole owl who keeps falling off his perch every time I nearly win.

You would totally never guess from this staging that it’s about a dude who wants to fuck his computer.

Whoah! Muppets! Lipton tea commercial in which everyone in New York is Animal. “Be more tea” is a stupid slogan, but Animal rocks.

Ellen with a guitar. That can’t end well.

Kate Hudson, however, is aging well. Sudeikis, not funny tonight.

And Best Live-Action Short is “Helium.” I got nothing except Mary Timony jokes nobody will get.

Something something Kate Hudson gots cleavage. “The Lady in #6: Music Saved My Life” is Best Documentary Short. It’s a prequel to “Don’t Trust the Bitch in Room 10,” I assume. Is it room 10? I don’t care enough to check. Probably isn’t. Bad journalist, me.

Apt. 23, says troi in comments. Thanks for the save. My joke totally works less well now.

Hah! Scorsese wants some pizza. Because he’s Italian.

Best Doc is 20 Feet From Stardom, the feel-good choice. Or maybe preemptive “proof” that people who didn’t vote for 12 Years a Slave aren’t racist.

This impromptu a cappella singing is better than any musical number we will see tonight.

Spacey busting out a House of Cards reference for the few who’ll get it.

Angela Lansbury, Steve Martin, Angelina Jolie and Pierre LastnameIcan’tspell get honorary Oscars – Jolie’s is for humanitarian work, for refugees and poor lonely teenage boys.

This is the first time Angela Lansbury’s been in a room with so many guest stars and none of them got murdered.

“What about Danny Trejo? Has that guy ever turned down a part?” Trejo: “NO!” Good Google ad moment.

The Great Beauty gets Best Foreign Language. Did not see. Surprising. I thought the one about how much Europeans love American bluegrass music was a sure thing.

Oh fuckity fuck Tyler Perry is here, talking about Nebraska, Her and Gravity, three movies that had no black people in them at all.

Aldo Raine out here to introduce U2. I know ears never stop growing as you age, but Bono’s getting scarily Alfred E. Neumann like. His voice also getting higher with age, which is not a development necessarily for the better. Going unplugged, I like.

Ooh, Bono, you do know tuxes aren’t meant for those poses you like to strike, right? I just don’t want you to tear anything. A seam, a tendon, whatever. I liked the singing at the end.

It’s official – “Selfies” are over.

Technical awards, where they always send some beloved nerd hottie to give the geeks someone to look at. Kristen Bell this year, and Michael B. Jordan to help everyone get used to him standing beside a Sue Storm lookalike.

Thor and Aeon Flux, together at last. Charlize totally confused by teleprompter. Gravity will win this sound category. And nobody is surprised. Sound editing will be the same.

Prediction: rightie blogs tomorrow will be enraged about George Clooney movie beating Lone Survivor for something.

Just once, I want to hear a winner say “My wife and kids suck. I did this myself despite them nagging and distracting me all the time.”

Will they give it to Katniss just so she’ll say something funny?

Lupita Nyong’o! Those blood-stained contacts alone must have been hard to deal with. I was rooting for June Squibb but this is okay too. Best Supporting is often its own unique thing, which means this movie may well win nothing else.

Twitter just broke. Was it the Ellen/Meryl selfie?

Chiwetel Ejiofor is the first to go for free pizza, Jennifer Lawrence eating heartily, as is Jared Leto. They could both use the calories. Peer-pressuring Harvey Weinstein to pay the pizza guy is funny, but Ellen just guaranteed she will never ever act for him.

Words, words, business, numbers…is this working? YAY!

Kate Hudson was eating! That’s a first.

Bill Murray should play Zombie Beethoven in Ghostbusters 3. Nice Harold Ramis acknowledgment there. Gravity, no surprise, but Emmanuel Lubezki does deserve an award.

Gabourey Sidibe should accompany Mark Henry to the ring at WrestleMania.

Editing is one that American Hustle DOES deserve. But Gravity got it anyway. I’m starting to smell a sweep.

My cat is demanding attention. Brief breaktime.

Did Whoopi Goldberg just come out as a wicked witch?

I don’t understand this bit at all. It’s also Ghostbusters’ anniversary – can we get Ray Parker Jr. instead? i’m sure he’s not busy.

Sensing restlessness in the crowd, cameras zoom in on Pink’s cleavage. Hate to say it, but yes, that dress does make her look fat.

Mrs. Batfleck is tall to stand next to Sherlock, as they present production design, which Gravity will win.

WHOOPS! Great Gatsby instead. Ironically, it will likely win more Oscars than that other DiCaprio movie.

“The Talented Chris Evans”? So he’s Tom Ripley now?

This montage is about the only kinds of movies Hollywood studios care about any more. Okay, Gravity does not belong here, sorry. Saving your own life only versus heroes who save many…something not quite right there, if “heroes” is the theme.

Nice Pepsi ad using as many familiar movie lines as they can come up with, ending with Cuba Gooding actually saying “Show me the mini!”

Agents of SHIELD promo announcing new theme for new episodes “Uprising.”

Well, that was Close.

Not sure I knew Jim Kelly had died. First DVD commentary track I ever did was for one of his. He was elusive and retired from public life at the time we made that disc, but came back and started doing conventions a few years later. I was too afraid to introduce myself in case he thought we messed it up.

EBERT. Master of the kind of stuff we all do.

oh shit, Bette Midler’s going to sing. When I die don’t let something like that happen.

No Bette, don’t start improvising. It isn’t working.

And an onscreen banner announces a longer death reel online, including Sarah Jones, the crew member who just got killed shooting on the railroad tracks. Good on them. Could they not maybe have run more of those names while Bette was singing?

Ellen announces she did break Twitter, which is one thing she and Vladimir Putin have in common.

You get Goldie Hawn to talk about the movie starring an old woman, but Tyler Perry had to talk about white-people movies? Oh, and Goldie talking up 12 Years a Slave and Captain Phillips. See, Tyler, they’re letting you know the hierarchy.

Ugh, I take a bathroom break and I miss the Frozen song?

“Great stories with great scores will blow…your mind.” Weird joke, Jamie Foxx.

Gravity gets Best Score. I actually concur, since the score had to do a lot of work in a mostly quiet movie.

Dude just spoiled the ending of Gravity, if that’s an issue for anyone at this point.

“Let It Go!” a.k.a. “Fuck It All”

Oh that’s cool – they made sure everyone they had to thank rhymes. Now, somebody on YouTube, add a hip-hop beat please.

Oh, man, the payoff for the Harvey Weinstein pizza joke. Harvey all trying to act like he can take a joke, for the camera.

Everything De Niro just said about writing professionally is true. Though TR mentioned self-loathing first.

12 Years a Slave Best Adapted Screenplay. As such, will not get Best Picture. Spike Jonze gets Original Screenplay, which is the bone they throw.

Is this his version of the invisible Obama joke Clint Eastwood did?

Without mentioning it by name, Ellen just spelled out more or less that the producer of Jackass just won an Oscar. Nice.

Yet another “We’re not racist, but 12 Years a Slave ain’t winning” moment.

Alfonso Cuaron wins, for his least interesting film. Julia, who hates his Harry Potter movie for deviating from the book, will be swearing at work right about now.

Hey Alfonso – saying to a woman “You’re gravity” isn’t a good idea any other time.

Dey tuk RRRR jerbssss! /SouthPark

I think Gravity is going to do it, folks.

Daniel Day-Lewis as Daniel Day-Lewis, his toughest role.

Oh thank goodness, we’re not doing the thing where five previous nominees go on and on about this year’s group.

And Cate Blanchett avoids the stink of Woody Allen. Good job.

“Sit down! You’re too old to be standing!” Line of the night by Cate.

“Julia, hashtag suck it!”

“The world is round, people!” What’s that got to do with women working?

Trip! Trip! Trip!

And Best Actor is Matthew McConaughey for Thinner. Robert John Burke still mad nobody knows who he is.

He just got Hollywood to cheer for God. Then shows he has a loose grasp on “scientific fact.”

But if there’s beer in your Heaven, Matthew – you can convert me. I can worship that.

YES! The catchphrase at the end! This guy watches wrestling.

Julia called it – the fact that they got Will Smith to present it meant 12 Years a Slave would win. And the white guy does the talking.

Isn’t it great that there is no racism any more?

That’s a wrap for me. I’ll leave post-show analysis to others because I’d like to stop sitting down now.