Johnny Depp and Kevin Smith to Make Yoga Superhero Movie Starring Their Kids [Not a Joke]


I’m not sure how this can possibly go right.

Yoga Hosers, written by Smith, centers on 15-year-old yoga nuts Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp) and Colleen McKenzie (Harley Quinn Smith) who have an after-school job at a Manitoba convenience store called Eh-2-Zed

GET IT? Because Canadians say “Eh.” Also they’re clerks at a convenience store, because Kevin Smith only has so many ideas, and the walrus fetish one would be inappropriate.

When an ancient evil rises from beneath Canada’s crust and threatens their big invitation to a Grade 12 party, the Colleens join forces with a legendary man-hunter from Montreal named Guy Lapointe (Depp) to fight for their lives with, according to the producers, “all seven Charkas, one Warrior Pose at a time.”

I’m going to be generous and guess that’s a typo on the word “Chakras.” Because the alternative is that they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, and that’s hilarious…but unkind to assume.

“Quit working with Tim Burton,” we said. “Find another director who’ll do something different with you,” we said. Oops.

Hey, do you remember what happened last time a once-beloved, nerd-friendly director let his kids have creative control of one of his movies?

That’s right. Taylor Goddamn Lautner happened.