Super Terrific American Thing: Shittens


For use on babies, pets AND adults? Well, I mean, I wasn’t gonna buy it if it were only two out of three.

No One Wants Poop On Their Hands… Clean Up Any Mess With ShittensTM

Dammit, you trademarked that? I was going to.

Shittens are disposable, mitten-shaped moist wipes. While old fashioned, square wet wipes put your hands at risk for all kinds of accidental fecal contamination, the genius mitten shape of a Shitten provides not only safety from poop, but on a larger scale, emotional peace of mind.

The GENIUS mitten shape, you say? And emotional peace of mind? How ever did you survive wiping your own ass these many years, you presumably grown-up person, you?

If you turn them inside out they are perfectly reusable for a second time wipe.

That would seem to defy the point.

Oh, but then we get to the Amazon customer reviews…

“I’ve been compared to a living as-seen-on-tv commercial. Life is simply too hard for me. Shittens allow me avoid messy situations in the bathroom. Far too often I find myself with poop running down my legs, the wall, and my dog. Thanks to Shittens, all I do is throw more money away on items that help me stand and breath at the same time. “

“Product is great, but why do they have to draw the happy face on each S***ten? And why does it have to talk to me as I’m wiping with it? The S***ten mumbles when its little face gets caked with feces, which was cute at first but now it’s starting to creep me out. I also don’t appreciate the tongue thing it does, although I must admit it gets me clean outside and in.”

“From the jungles of Thailand to the ice roads of Siberia, I searched tirelessly, a piece of cotton stuffed between my butt cheeks to keep my twinklestar from being revealed in all its dirty shame. Now, thanks to my new package of Shittens the Magic Poop-erasing Mittens, I can be sure that my fear of wayward dingleberries and poop-swipe tan lines will never become a reality. “

Merry Christmas, Tupper Adam.

h/t Wade Major