Blu-ray Today: German Pube-Monsters, Underground Dinosaurs and Liam Neeson


Wetlands – You may remember this one as “the German microscopic pube-monster movie,” though that’s just the tip of the yellow snow cone in this coming-of-age tale about a girl with hemmorhoids and a defiant anti-sense of personal hygiene. But for all the talk of vaginal odors, shit, ejaculate, bloody tampons and anal fissures, it’s a surprisingly sweet tale underneath, all about a girl who just wants her parents to get back together and acts out in the hope of getting their attention. Sex in real life is a lot messier – literally – than the movies usually show, but here we get little held back in terms of the less savory moments, and ultimately a more realistic portrayal of how most of us are varying degrees of fucked-up when it comes to that kind of intimacy.

Unfortunately, the Blu-ray doesn’t feature many extras – if you were looking for a “Creation of a Pube-Monster” featurette, keep looking.

Supernova – An odd choice for Scream Factory, which specializes in deluxe treatments of cult films. Supernova is a mostly forgotten sci-fi flick notable mainly for director Walter Hill having taken his name off of it, and the only bonuses here are a making-of featurette, deleted scenes and an alternate ending. Maybe they’re hoping that Ultron will renew people’s interest in James Spader doing sci-fi, no matter what it is.

Capricorn One – OJ Simpson stars in this classic conspiracy drama about an attempt to fake a manned mission to Mars. Now, should I say that he really steals the show, or that he kills it?

The Scorpion King 4 – Yes, The Scorpion King 4. A series that began with The Rock and Michael Clarke Duncan now stars Lou Ferrigno and Royce Gracie. Part 5 should team Howie Long and The Iron Sheik, or go fuck itself forever #teamsheikie.

Dead Man – The surreal Jim Jarmusch western that I suspect convinced Johnny Depp that he’s part Indian.

River’s Edge – Crispin Glover, Keanu Reeves, Ione Skye, Dennis Hopper and a blow-up sex doll star in this ’80s slice of teen weirdness about the attempt to cover up a murder. Been so long since I’ve seen it that I’ve forgotten all the actual details – I just remember trying to watch it late at night with the TV on the lowest possible volume setting, and my naked father coming in to complain that it was still too loud.

Honeymoon – A couple who have just gotten married decide to celebrate at…a cabin in the woods. Dumbasses.

Jessabelle – Not every Blumhouse horror movie about somebody menaced by a ghost in the house actually hits theaters. This one, incongruously written by Reno 911‘s Robert Ben Garant and directed by Saw VI‘s Kevin Greutert centers on a newly wheelchair-bound young woman who makes the mistake of watching some old VHS tapes in which her dead mother does Tarot readings. It’ll take more than the tracking button to put things right, I presume.

At the Earth’s Core – Peter Cushing discovers lava, semi-naked women, and dinosaurs deep underground. What’s not to like?

Ancient Aliens, Season 6 Volume 2 – I hear Megan Fox is a big fan. So buy this and if you ever meet her, you’ll have something to talk about besides hating Michael Bay, or her weird thumb.

A Walk Among the Tombstones – Liam Neeson IS Liam Neeson in “Liam Neeson.”

Gone Girl – It’s not really in the nerd camp at all, save perhaps for the Trent Reznor soundtrack and presence of Neil Patrick Harris, but I mention it becase if you’ve liked David Fincher’s more fantasy-based films like Fight Club and Alien3, I reckon you’ll dig this thriller/mystery too. The fact that he actually managed to make me like Tyler Perry and Ben Affleck in it pretty much cements Fincher’s status as a genius in my book.

Those are my top picks, anyway. What’s on your list?