GoT Milked – Your Weekly Game of Thrones Recap Thread by a Dummy

(Reminder: I have watched only the first six episodes of Game of Thrones, and last week’s episode. The goal is to see if I can make any sense of it with all I’ve missed.)

Right, so we get a few real-life political lessons this week. Fair trials for your enemies will make people accuse you of being unpatriotic, bribing your ministers usually works, poor people in regions where slaves are freed will remember slavery fondly because at least they weren’t goddamn slaves, and third-party candidates can totally be spoilers.

And now we start with Arya Stark arriving in the not-Mediterranean, under the legs of not-Colossus of Rhodes. She knocks on the door of the House of Black and White, and they turn her away. So, Batman-like, she sits on the doorsteps a couple days, reciting four names over and over – presumably all names of people who’ve wronged her. Then she gives up and throws her fancy coin in the river.

Cersei has other kids than dead jerkboy bitch king, it seems, and is pissed about where they are, so she sends brother-lover to rescue one, and he recruits some dude who’s about to marry (I think) one of Cersei’s dorky sisters? Or family members, at least? But the woman in question is living in the lands of the dude whose brother was killed by (I think) The Mountain. Bro wants to be chill and not start a war, but dead dude’s widow is like, yeah, fuck ’em up.

Then Daenerys has problems with her freed slaves, who want to kill all the not-Egypt equivalent of rednecks who hate that slavery ended. Props to dorky bearded dude for stabbing the guy in the wall as an example of how fear is good…somehow.

The knight I thought was a dude is pretty clearly a Tilda Swinton-ish woman named Brienne of Tarr. She does not impress Aiden Gillen, but I’m not sure anybody could. So I guess I’m telling Brienne not to be a Tarr baby.

Peter Dinklage is still a smartass drunk. Give the guy a blog already.

Wife butts in and asks why we haven’t been watching this before. I remind her we did not have HBO and the first 6 episodes were such info-dumps they made our heads spin.

Wildling chick talks to non-Wildling girl about scaly facial deformity. Fat dude who likes them both endorses John Snow for next leader of the Night’s Watch. He wins. And if he pledges his allegiance, he might get to be called Stark again, which I guess is a thing.

We learn why the black and white house is so named when the black dude who loves there peels off his face to reveal a white guy underneath. There’s probably a way to be offended by that, but I’d have to comprehend it first.

Then a dragon shows up and looks slightly fake. Daenerys pets it and it flies away.

Oh, and what’s with Cersei pretending there’s a king? Is the fake king her dead dad or dead son? I’m missing a bit there.

All in all, this was more confusing than last week. And not enough Dinklage.