Dear J.K. Rowling – just go ahead and write more Harry Potter stories. You clearly want to.
In honor of what would be cousin Dudley’s 35th birthday, Rowling has revealed new details about his grotesque parents – how they met (at a boring office job), why they attracted one another (as the sister of a witch, she longed to meet somebody less interesting), what they did on one of their dates (decide for yourself if “dropped his battered sausage” is literal, a metaphor, or both), and why they resent Harry.
I’m not going to spoil it all here, as that would save you the time of creating a Pottermore membership (free) and futzing around with the Closet Under the Stairs area to figure out how to unlock the new material, which also reveals how the author picked out the characters’ names. Suffice it to say that if you like creating erotic fan fiction centered on repulsive characters, this is essential canon.