The Walking Dead Recap: Daryl, Look Behind You! Seriously!

Finally a Daryl episode this week? Oh hell yes. Let’s get this SOB started…

-Mystery gunfire! Daryl takes a brutal skid, then gets back on like it’s nothing. Abe and Sasha go Bonnie and Clyde on their assailants. None of this seems to attract the giant walker horde, so I presume they got out in front pretty far.

-Into the Woods! Out in the woods!

-Daryl makes it to a complete stop before collapsing, because he’s cool like that.

-Crispy motorcyclist zombie! Or is it the smoking dude from Beetlejuice out on a joyride gone bad?

-Daryl must be out of gas. Walking with a dead motorcycle is shitty and heavy otherwise.

-Daryl’s exposed bare chest – and now his peeling off his jacket for the right to bare arms – just increased the ratings with women tenfold. Coincidentally, I give my wife a shirt like that every time she auditions for the role of Butch Prison Chick.

-How did you not hear that guy sneaking up, Daryl? Hunting’s supposed to be your thing.

-Fancy schmancy effects time, to simulate semi-consciousness.

-“You don’t say shit, and I don’t kill you.” I didn’t know you could say “shit” on AMC. Maybe this is a test swearing run for when Negan comes along.

-“We’re reasonable people.” Glad you explained that, because it was not obvious.

-You’re saying something, but I like the blackened zombies better than anything you are trying to explain to me.

-If you know Daryl will say anything to survive, why would you ask him at great length whether you should kill him or not? Logic, people. I know you’re out of your head and starving, but he’s not gonna say, “Yeah, you should totally just shoot me now.”

-Aaaand the kid has a medical condition, because they needed SOMETHING contrived for Daryl to sympathize with.

-Moss Man! Does he have a pine scent? I thought rolling stones gathered no moss, but walking zombies do? I mean, Walking Dead, Rolling Stones, same difference these days, right? Have you seen Jagger lately?

-Okay, so if Abe and Sasha hook up, what’s their couple name? Let’s decide now. Sashbraham? Abe-sha?

-Zombie behind glass door is cool. But what was that room used for by dead military dude in the pre-apocalypse world? Enhanced interrogations? Isn’t he an insurance guy, or was that just his cover story?

-Wow, those are some terrible public domain posters on the wall. What’s with the car-shaped paper cutout?

-So, zombie locked himself in before he zombified. Interesting that he choose not to shoot himself, I suppose.

-“You goin’ stag was not an option.” “Tell me why.” “Because you’re a woman driver.” [He didn’t actually say that last part, in so many words anyway. But he was TOTALLY thinking it]

– “Loose ends make my ass itch.” Line of the night.

-Thanks for the lecture on accountability, Sash. Most profound. It’s like you’re the Jiminy Cricket of the apocalypse.

-Off-topic – is Seth Rogen making a Madea joke in that new movie trailer? Which audience members that go to those movies will go to his too?

-If that guy had any real proficiency with a gun whatsoever, what Daryl just did trying to take it with a crossbow still in hand would not have worked and he’d be shot.

-So, to give back the stuff you took, you need to be bribed? And a hand-cut bit of wood works? This is like when Captain Kirk fools a Star Trek alien by learning its patterns.

-Oh no! The legs of some bad guys!

-Hi, I’m a bad guy, just gonna casually lean against this rock with a highly visible zombie inside it….OWW! Who could have foreseen that happening?

-“Walk it off.” Good advice for the recently amputated.

-Yes, why the hell did you come back to save this asshole, Daryl? OH RIGHT the sick kid just like I predicted.

-Box with the word “Taxes!” on it. Kudos, set decorator – I noticed that and I appreciate it.

-This zombie on the bridge sounds like my Dad’s sinuses.

-Ha! Of course dead military guy has a stash of Cuban cigars.

-What the hell was that slow-motion nonsense with Abraham risking face bites just to yell at a pinned corpse? Pretentious as hell, but I guess it got the walker riled up enough to shake free and fall, leaving the RPG conveniently behind.

-“Self-awareness is a beautiful thing.” Rubbing it in is not.

-Beer and air conditioning. Yep.

-“I like the way you call bullshit” is not a great pickup line. But looks like we will need a couple name for sure now.

-“I am here for you! Like always!” says Chris Hardwick. Hey, man, don’t pin this shit on me – I am NOT the one who said “You know what would make my favorite show better? Some skinny guy with too much hair product trying to impress cast members each week.”

-As things got harder, people got harder? Uhhhh…Abraham just got, uh, harder.

-What the literal hell is that? Zombies under melted glass, burned?

-Yep, guess so. Elaborately poor trap, that. And that puts an end to anybody needing insulin any more.

-Well, at least this time Daryl heard the guy sneaking up on him. Not quite quickly enough though.

-Wait, the bike had gas in it this whole time? Then wha…why…whu…Never mind.

-“Sorry.” “You’re gonna be.” That’s the Daryl we love.

-I can’t read that, Daryl. Uncover it some more? Oh hey, hidden truck! If he’d seen that there in the first place, we…wha…whuh…Never mind.

-Abraham trying to score with Sasha by wearing a uniform. Don’t we call that stolen valor, or something?

-WHAT? I don’t get a trailer for next week unless I watch the next show too? Gee, I could have done that if this weren’t ON MY DVR. All I want to know is if we finally catch up to the existing timeline, or go backwards and see it from another POV yet again.

-Also, your Glenn theory sucks. Yes, yours. And I include you show writers in this.